separated in the same house; would wife come around

[redblack66]

RB ~ I think you DO need to make a decision as to where you're going to go with this ~ filing for divorce doesn't necessarily mean you have to actually go through with it ~ you can always call your w's bluff a little bit ~ as it is ~ you're not sure where she stands at the moment as far as actually divorcing you is concerned ~ and maybe you taking the decision to serve her with the papers ~ might encourage her to actually have to stop and think about what it is she really wants ~ either way ~ it's going to draw some sort of definitive conclusion to the situation ~

 

Well, I have thought about it. Last week, I was firm -- I am not applying for D. However, this Sunday I just went down emotionally.

There is so much one can take and give. Hence, it is not an infeasible option for me to serve her with the papers and tell her

that the only option for this to stop is if she gets working on getting together.

[bestadvisor]

RB ~ I think you DO need to make a decision as to where you're going to go with this ~ filing for divorce doesn't necessarily mean you have to actually go through with it ~ you can always call your w's bluff a little bit ~ as it is ~ you're not sure where she stands at the moment as far as actually divorcing you is concerned ~ and maybe you taking the decision to serve her with the papers ~ might encourage her to actually have to stop and think about what it is she really wants ~ either way ~ it's going to draw some sort of definitive conclusion to the situation ~

 

This is VERY bad advice. This is completely contradicting with you playing "cool" and trying to win her back. If you set on divorce, which you are not, then you should go for it. By giving her "work on this NOW or leave!" is no way of winning her back.

 

Redblack, you've been doing great. Just continue what you've been doing.

[redblack66]

Thanks for all the help through this difficult time. LS has indeed kept me going...

 

I read all your posts more than once and take what I feel I should apply and how. So, I am not blind, and I do not discard opinions.

 

I have been thinking a lot at 'logical' level, but I am really trying to see what is going on below the surface in my wife mind.

Surely, this is impossible, but there are clues that can guide me through the process.

[Missy27]

Just to clarify ~ serving your wife with divorce papers ~ does NOT mean that you are forcing her into making a decision of "work it out or leave" ~ Filing for divorce is NOT to be taken lightly ~ you really HAVE to be prepared for your W to take you up on the offer ~ ~ either way ~ your going to have a definitive conclusion as to which way she wants to go on this one ~ I wasn't advising that you file for divorce RB ~ Just throwing another persepctive into the mound ~

[bestadvisor]

I have been thinking a lot at 'logical' level, but I am really trying to see what is going on below the surface in my wife mind.

Surely, this is impossible, but there are clues that can guide me through the process.

 

I know you've been avoiding any serious talk with her; however, if things go well on her birthday, especially after giving her the presents, maybe you should consider the "talk" but don't say much, don't get defensive, just listen and let her talk. When was the last time you did that; just let her talk and listen?

[Ladyjane14]

Missy?... do you have PM yet?

If you're not sure, you can check your Profile page and see if it can be enabled.

[Missy27]

Yerp ~ ! Thanks LJ ~ just enabled it -

[american-woman]

Redblack66 lets keep your post here, we need not hijack littleflowers thread:). As I said before your wife is`nt leaving for a reason. And most if all DO NOT leave your home. It does not look good for court if it comes down to that. You need to keep a level head I know its hard. And I know its hard being nice when the one you love is pushing you away, but you must remember thats not your wife right now just someone who is in a BIG FOG. Keep showing her your love no matter how hard it is and keep posting here for help.

[redblack66]

Nothing exceptional today, but still a post might be interesting.

Sorry if I am 'polluting' cyber space.

 

In the morning, I left a message on the answering machine at home

that my son told me that I was the best daddy in the world. (During that time my wife takes him to school.)

 

I came home at 5:30pm, NC, and took the kids to find a present for mommy. I said 'Ciao', instead of bye. Having fun. On the way to the store, I called my wife to tell her that if she feels taking a break, I will feed them at the mall, so no need to prepare diner.

 

When I came home I told her she looked relaxed and happy. She said 'thank you', but I feel she is puzzled big time, particularly with my changed outfit.

 

This night, she did not get angry, which is amazing. I put my son to sleep, and she took more than an hour of bath. I think she was thinking there...

[american-woman]

You did wonderful keep up the good work. Try and not read so much into her.

And also take care of yourself work out, ect.

[bestadvisor]

Redblack, when you are going to execute my advice #1 (Truth telling about your faithfulness during the whole term of the marriage)?

[redblack66]

Redblack, when you are going to execute my advice #1 (Truth telling about your faithfulness during the whole term of the marriage)?

 

Haven't found an appropriate moment. Actually, I have said this many times.

[redblack66]

This morning the OM called my wife to wish her happy birthday. I am sure she talked to him, although I did not hear anything, just her voice.

 

After she was done, she came to the living room and bingo, a digital picture frame with a lot of family memories. I am very pleasant. I felt asking who called, but just ignored in my mind the whole situation.

I just poured her coffee.

 

Then I gave her 5 CDs I recorded last night with top 100 songs of 1971. She is listening to them alone now, and I am in the basement going on with my business and writing this e-mail.

 

The birthday card is generic, with no emotions: it says from me and the kids nothing else.

 

If you read, what do you think/advice?

[Ladyjane14]

Nothing exceptional today, but still a post might be interesting.

Sorry if I am 'polluting' cyber space.

 

In the morning, I left a message on the answering machine at home

that my son told me that I was the best daddy in the world. (During that time my wife takes him to school.)

 

I came home at 5:30pm, NC, and took the kids to find a present for mommy. I said 'Ciao', instead of bye. Having fun. On the way to the store, I called my wife to tell her that if she feels taking a break, I will feed them at the mall, so no need to prepare diner.

 

When I came home I told her she looked relaxed and happy. She said 'thank you', but I feel she is puzzled big time, particularly with my changed outfit.

 

This night, she did not get angry, which is amazing. I put my son to sleep, and she took more than an hour of bath. I think she was thinking there...

 

 

It's easier when you're not following her around the house trying to get her to talk, isn't it?

It takes the bullseye off your forehead.

 

Remember... pleasant but not solicitous. You shouldn't ignore her, of course. But let her be the one to engage YOU in any sort of Relationship Talk. As AmericanWoman suggested, be a little more busy and active in your own life. Let her watch; let her observe your changes.

 

You're a port in the storm, an oasis in the scorching desert... and by coming to YOU, she can find serenity.

 

As the energy is dialed down, life begins to take on a new rhythm. Hopefully, that "new rhythm" will become insidious and comfortable, to the point where she can't imagine returning to the path of chaos. There's less to fight about when your adversary doesn't present you with a big ole target, right?

 

Now, I'm not saying she's not going to look for ways to alleviate her frustrations at your expense... she most definitely will. But when you're unflappable in the face of her tantrums, she's not getting a payoff for the behavior. She wants to justify leaving you. That's the payoff. When you're pushing or responding emotionally, you're feeding that negative energy.

[Ladyjane14]

This morning the OM called my wife to wish her happy birthday. I am sure she talked to him, although I did not hear anything, just her voice.

 

After she was done, she came to the living room and bingo, a digital picture frame with a lot of family memories. I am very pleasant. I felt asking who called, but just ignored in my mind the whole situation.

I just poured her coffee.

 

Then I gave her 5 CDs I recorded last night with top 100 songs of 1971. She is listening to them alone now, and I am in the basement going on with my business and writing this e-mail.

 

The birthday card is generic, with no emotions: it says from me and the kids nothing else.

 

If you read, what do you think/advice?

 

 

 

I think you did well.

I especially like the part where you ignored the OM. He's not worthy of your attention; he's beneath your notice. And you called "no joy" on giving her a payoff for her rationalizations. No target for aggression was presented. You left the area before the interchange could become negative... so her short-term memory reflects a positive interaction.

 

Cool.

I can't wait to hear how the rest of the evening goes. Make sure you have some juicy tidbits for dinner conversation, so you can turn her if she starts going negative.

[jmargel]

Can I ask again, why are you putting up with this bull****? I mean she is continuing to cheat on you and disrespect you and you sit there like a whipped dog.

 

Honestly I quit reading your posts and just read the last few, because I knew it would be the same old ****. What really has changed from a few months ago? What are YOU getting out of this marriage? The answer to both those questions is NOTHING.

 

She has ZERO respect for you and continues to show it by talking/being with this OM. Why are you so scared to stand up to her? This is NOT love, this is NOT a marriage. You seem to be in denial in some ways that this is actually happening, because you refuse to CONFRONT it.

 

Not sure how many more times you need to bang your head against this brick wall to actually start to think 'Wow, this really hurts, maybe it's time I do something else'. Get it? Start making some changes, start making some of your OWN decisions. Get her ass out of the house. She will not change until she is faced with the consequences of her actions.

[redblack66]

Can I ask again, why are you putting up with this bull****? I mean she is continuing to cheat on you and disrespect you and you sit there like a whipped dog.

Well, we are separated, legally, so in her mind is not cheating.

 

Honestly I quit reading your posts and just read the last few, because I knew it would be the same old ****. What really has changed from a few months ago? What are YOU getting out of this marriage? The answer to both those questions is NOTHING.

 

I agree with you. Well, there are changes in me, the way I understand the situation, etc. I feel the more mature person dealing

with a messed up person.

 

She has ZERO respect for you and continues to show it by talking/being with this OM. Why are you so scared to stand up to her? This is NOT love, this is NOT a marriage. You seem to be in denial in some ways that this is actually happening, because you refuse to CONFRONT it.

Yes, in many ways I am in denial.

 

Not sure how many more times you need to bang your head against this brick wall to actually start to think 'Wow, this really hurts, maybe it's time I do something else'. Get it? Start making some changes, start making some of your OWN decisions. Get her ass out of the house. She will not change until she is faced with the consequences of her actions.

 

It is very easy and difficult (at the same time) just to prepare a divorce application and all will be ended. I cannot get her out of the house.

In terms of my decisions, yes, I am working in parallel on finding a higher paying job and moving on completely when I decide it is completely over. It is over in many ways, but it is worth the effort.

 

I have talked to her earlier about the OM. If she does not have respect for herself and our family, she is free to keep going with him. She does not have respect for me: fine. There are perhaps other women that will be happy to have me.

Yes, the hurt I am experiencing is significant.

[bestadvisor]

This morning the OM called my wife to wish her happy birthday. I am sure she talked to him, although I did not hear anything, just her voice.

 

Did he called her cell or house phone? How do you know for sure it's the OM?

[redblack66]

Did he called her cell or house phone? How do you know for sure it's the OM?

 

The house phone is her phone, I have my cell. I do not touch the house phone. I heard her saying 'bye X', his name, so I am sure.

My point is: she does not have respect for anybody, including herself.

Let her be. Am I too nice or just logical??? I must function at a higher

emotional and moral level.

[bestadvisor]

 

I have talked to her earlier about the OM. If she does not have respect for herself and our family, she is free to keep going with him. She does not have respect for me: fine. There are perhaps other women that will be happy to have me.

Yes, the hurt I am experiencing is significant.

 

How's her reaction and responce to the talk and your hurt?

[redblack66]

How's her reaction and responce to the talk and your hurt?

 

As I recall, she did not say much. I asked her explicitly two weeks ago if she is remorseful for what she has done. She did not say much,

just the BS, it is not about our relation, blah, blah...

 

How to interpret this 'silence'? I am not looking for signs of she coming back. I am also learning for my next life.

 

Bringing this talk now will give her ammunition to justify herself, I believe.

 

I hope she feels guilty inside, but who knows. Perhaps people can change so much that they believe what they are doing is right, even if it is not from a common sense perspective.

[bestadvisor]

Do you have your home phone record? Do you think this is the first time he calling her at your house or her calling him from your house? It's one thing to be nice, it's another thing to be a doormat. You need to set guidelines.

 

If she has any guilt, after the talk you had with her, the phone calls to your home should stop. Make sure there are no such activities going on when you're at work.

[Missy27]

Hey RB ~ !

 

I think you handled the situation with OM on the phone beautifully ~ well done ~

 

Simply by noting your W's most recent reactions to her encounters with you ~ it seems that your actions are JUST starting to register in her brain a little ~ and that's a really positive thing ~

 

There will be times when your W's affair "fog" momentarily clears and her perspective will shift ~ it's at these times that she'll remember her most recent encounters with you which is why your consistent every day actions are hugely important at the moment ~ if she recalls positive feelings and relates them directly to you ~ even at the brief times when the fog lifts ~ you never know ~ it MIGHT take a little longer for it to return each time ~

 

You're doing great RB ~

[redblack66]

Hey RB ~ !

 

I think you handled the situation with OM on the phone beautifully ~ well done ~

 

Simply by noting your W's most recent reactions to her encounters with you ~ it seems that your actions are JUST starting to register in her brain a little ~ and that's a really positive thing ~

 

Thanks for the encouragement. I am quite down at the moment by the fact that the OM called, but I will be OK. I will have a talk with my wife at some point and let her know that if she has respect for herself and this family, which is gone in her mind, no man should call her at home, even if we are separated.

 

Yes, I think she will register.

 

There will be times when your W's affair "fog" momentarily clears and her perspective will shift ~ it's at these times that she'll remember her most recent encounters with you which is why your consistent every day actions are hugely important at the moment ~ if she recalls positive feelings and relates them directly to you ~ even at the brief times when the fog lifts ~ you never know ~ it MIGHT take a little longer for it to return each time ~

 

You're doing great RB ~

Thanks so much. Yes, I am handling well for the turmoil and pain I am dealing with.

[redblack66]

Do you have your home phone record? Do you think this is the first time he calling her at your house or her calling him from your house?

Second time I know he called.

 

It's one thing to be nice, it's another thing to be a doormat. You need to set guidelines.

Oh, yes, I will set guidelines, but again, we are legally separated.

 

If she has any guilt, after the talk you had with her, the phone calls to your home should stop. Make sure there are no such activities going on when you're at work.

 

I do not think she has any guilt at the moment. I feel she may have it in the near future.