separated in the same house; would wife come around

[redblack66]

How can it be a romantic when you actually bring the kids with you? By the way, it was disrespectful, even you were with your casual female friend, when you did that with the waitress.

The daughter is with her all the time. Me dating my wife is a bit tricky without the kids. First, I am not sure if it is a good idea. Second, I am scared of the serious talk that happens all the time.

 

Yes, it was disrespectful, and it is a bad habit I am battling watching other females. I will get MUCH better; it just takes time.

 

Tonight she is in a bad mood. I am trying not to be in her way.

I do not know why she is in a bad mood. Any clues???

[BestAdvisor1]

First, I am not sure if it is a good idea. Second, I am scared of the serious talk that happens all the time.

 

Why are you completely avoiding the serious talk? You would have to face it eventually, ignoring it is not the solution. You will find out more about her state of mind when these serious talk occur.

 

 

Tonight she is in a bad mood. I am trying not to be in her way.

I do not know why she is in a bad mood. Any clues???

 

redblack: "I noticed the breasts of the waitress, and my wife told me that I should not be looking if I am taking her to a romantic place."

 

Gee, I wonder why.

[redblack66]

Why are you completely avoiding the serious talk? You would have to face it eventually, ignoring it is not the solution. You will find out more about her state of mind when these serious talk occur.

I need time... Serious talk puts us backward big time.

 

redblack: "I noticed the breasts of the waitress, and my wife told me that I should not be looking if I am taking her to a romantic place."

 

Gee, I wonder why.

 

I hope this is the reason, but I doubt it.

[BestAdvisor1]

Is your home phone line in your own name? You should call the phone company and monitor phone calls. Is there a way you can access your phone record online?

 

If she's in bad mood, stay away! Do your own thing, preferrably not outside the house, that can put oil to fire.

[redblack66]

Is your home phone line in your own name? You should call the phone company and monitor phone calls. Is there a way you can access your phone record online?

The phone line is in my name. Monitoring her calls may be a contempt of court, as we are legally separated. Actually, it is not worth anymore trying to figure out what is going on between her and the outside world. I do not want to monitor teenage behavior...

 

I just started arranging my stuff, in case I may decide to move out.

I am not there yet, but I am preparing myself mentally. There is so much I can take.

 

If she's in bad mood, stay away! Do your own thing, preferrably not outside the house, that can put oil to fire.

 

I will do my own thing and will stay away. I have to do homework with my son in half an hour, after we have dinner right now.

[BestAdvisor1]

 

I just started arranging my stuff, in case I may decide to move out.

I am not there yet, but I am preparing myself mentally. There is so much I can take.

 

Wait, I thought we have established that you are NOT going to move out because of trillions of reasons including the perception of abandonment, how she has to make the move if she want to further the seperation of the marriage, etc, etc. What happened?

[redblack66]

Wait, I thought we have established that you are NOT going to move out because of trillions of reasons including the perception of abandonment, how she has to make the move if she want to further the seperation of the marriage, etc, etc. What happened?

 

I am not moving out yet. However, I want to be ready for anything that may happen. We are in a terrible limbo.

[Gunny376]

Her noticing the changes your making, working on your inner and outer game, her telling you she's still committed to seperation ~ divorce, telling you to quit doing what you've been doing (Is she trying to convince you or herself)? Her getting mad! All of this? Is telling me that its working?

 

The significant part is that you be steady, persistent, and consistent. Smooth, slow and steady. Be prepared to hear a steady stream of "NO! NO! NO! NO's! with a alot of :mad: :mad: thrown in! Ignore them!

 

Mind you? You might have to go the full gaulet as ilmw did? Seperate, divide up the silverware, sell the house, etc? Go a whole year and half?

 

Its too soon for a "full-court press" in so far as getting romantic ~ she's going to shoot you down just about everytime. She's got her wall up, but you're slowly breaching it, IMHO.

 

And things I'm throwing at you? You're the man on the ground and you're the one that knows the DW best ~ so you're utlimately are going to have to be the one that has to decide what to include in your skill set and what to leave out?

 

But, that's the thing? You're aquiring knowledge and skill that few men have ~ nor will ever have! And what you have, and will have? She's going to have a very hard time replacing. And certainly not "Farm Boy" ~ who's pretty much out of the game ~ he was just a hit and run opportuntist.

 

Its all well and good to "talk" about moving in with another mom, but I doubt she can tote the note on it for very long?

 

Right now? You need to work on "friendship" (note ~ I did not say being friends!) and communication. Again, the book, "Why Men Don't Have A Clue and Women Need Another Pair of Shoes" will give you a better understanding of the differences in way men and women communicate. Also "GenderSpeak" and "You Just Don't Understand"

 

In so far as intergrating all this new found wisdom and knowledge with practical day-to-day application (To include romance ~ when the time is right?) Goggle Dr. Hellen Kreidman's "Light Her Fire" She's got a website and several books, etc. You can get Light Her Fire" in paperbook for less than $6 (less if you want to get a used copy off the internet?) Another one of her books is "How Can We Light Our Fire When The Children Are Driving Us Crazy"

 

You're going to have to be careful with the MM ~ Method. To apply it successfully you're going to have to go out into the field and experience numerous failures, before you acheive success. But, I PM'd you with it so that you access to it. A lot of good stuff. You do realize there's a free foumn that you can access by becoming a member. There's one for the guys that have participated in the "bootcamps" and another that's free for everyone else. Goggle "Attraction Fourmn"

 

And, yes. I did mean that you had lost value in the sense of the MM, but not to worry? You're well on your way to earning it back~

 

I don't think you should move out? That's just her talking her smack? But I do belive that you should give her the gift of "missing you" by not being so available. You can still help with the household chore, errands, child care. Just don't be at her beck and call.

 

She already thinks that you're seeing someone else, yada. yada, yada. And, I wouldn't intentionally attempt to make her jealous. What she fears most IMHO? That you will stop caring about her! Of course, she would never in a million years admit to this? But she fears it. I would give her a little more time wondering about what you're doing, and where you're going and "Why isn't he thinking about me?"

 

I read a book years ago about women who push their men away, and then panic and pull them back. I don't remember the exact title, but it was significant enough to be common among a number of women and women's psychology. Hopefully someone else will read this and re-call the title.

 

In the end? Its like Steve told Hellen? "There's just no way of tellin'" One thing about it RB, if yours and hers marriage does go south? You won't have a problem finding a replacement! And you'll be a better man, husband for the experience.

 

And I must say RB that your most recent posting imply a stronger and more confident RB than when you first started this thread. You've become more pro-active rather than re-active.

[Gunny376]

Double post deleted

[redblack66]

Her noticing the changes your making, working on your inner and outer game, her telling you she's still committed to seperation ~ divorce, telling you to quit doing what you've been doing (Is she trying to convince you or herself)? Her getting mad! All of this? Is telling me that its working?

 

I think something is working. When I arrived today, she was mad in the first half an hour, but then she was OK. So, we had dinner, I did homework with my son, put the kids to bed, read them stories, and then I went to buy a gadget I needed to fix the bathroom. I came home at 9:30, said good night, and I am out in my room. No woman can shoot this down.

 

About changes: I have done in the past wrestling, ballroom dancing, cross country skiing, etc. Now I started going to boxing. She is surprised, especially when all wifes around are complaining of husbands getting fat, and I am getting into a very good shape.

 

The significant part is that you be steady, persistent, and consistent. Smooth, slow and steady. Be prepared to hear a steady stream of "NO! NO! NO! NO's! with a alot of :mad: :mad: thrown in! Ignore them!

I am prepared to see a complete division of property and complete breakdown. I do not want it, I will have difficult time surviving it,

but I will make it.

 

Mind you? You might have to go the full gaulet as ilmw did? Seperate, divide up the silverware, sell the house, etc? Go a whole year and half?

Year and a half might be too long. We'll see.

 

Its too soon for a "full-court press" in so far as getting romantic ~ she's going to shoot you down just about everytime. She's got her wall up, but you're slowly breaching it, IMHO.

 

And things I'm throwing at you? You're the man on the ground and you're the one that knows the DW best ~ so you're utlimately are going to have to be the one that has to decide what to include in your skill set and what to leave out?

Pressing intimacy is out of question. My skill set is developing by a lot of thinking and analyzing, and unfortunately trial and error.

 

But, that's the thing? You're aquiring knowledge and skill that few men have ~ nor will ever have! And what you have, and will have? She's going to have a very hard time replacing. And certainly not "Farm Boy" ~ who's pretty much out of the game ~ he was just a hit and run opportuntist.

Can you believe: she is asking me to talk to the husband of one of her very good girlfriends so he starts treating her better. So, I am supposed to influence him with all my skills. Is not this amazing?

 

Its all well and good to "talk" about moving in with another mom, but I doubt she can tote the note on it for very long?

She is a tough farm girl, but will have difficult time just dealing with the snow in our drive way. There are many other things.

 

 

Right now? You need to work on "friendship" (note ~ I did not say being friends!) and communication. Again, the book, "Why Men Don't Have A Clue and Women Need Another Pair of Shoes" will give you a better understanding of the differences in way men and women communicate. Also "GenderSpeak" and "You Just Don't Understand"

I am getting them!

 

In so far as intergrating all this new found wisdom and knowledge with practical day-to-day application (To include romance ~ when the time is right?) Goggle Dr. Hellen Kreidman's "Light Her Fire" She's got a website and several books, etc. You can get Light Her Fire" in paperbook for less than $6 (less if you want to get a used copy off the internet?) Another one of her books is "How Can We Light Our Fire When The Children Are Driving Us Crazy"

So you can get an idea how resourceful I am. I have Light Her Fire

as MP3 files. I have them on my computer and cell phone. I play them as I drive or go to sleep. I do the same with other sources.

I am sure any sensible woman that knows what I am doing (on top of good appearance, education, and standing in society, not bragging) may jump pretty quickly :-)

 

You're going to have to be careful with the MM ~ Method. To apply it successfully you're going to have to go out into the field and experience numerous failures, before you acheive success. But, I PM'd you with it so that you access to it. A lot of good stuff. You do realize there's a free foumn that you can access by becoming a member. There's one for the guys that have participated in the "bootcamps" and another that's free for everyone else. Goggle "Attraction Fourmn"

I will get there. This is my next major project, but some of the ideas are useful now.

 

And, yes. I did mean that you had lost value in the sense of the MM, but not to worry? You're well on your way to earning it back~

Yes, I have. I know it. I used to be in the field in my own way.

It is not difficult to lose value when there are two beautiful kids and wife that I do not know what in the world is in her head.

 

I don't think you should move out? That's just her talking her smack? But I do belive that you should give her the gift of "missing you" by not being so available. You can still help with the household chore, errands, child care. Just don't be at her beck and call.

Yes. I did not do very well with my 180 so far.

 

She already thinks that you're seeing someone else, yada. yada, yada. And, I wouldn't intentionally attempt to make her jealous. What she fears most IMHO? That you will stop caring about her! Of course, she would never in a million years admit to this? But she fears it. I would give her a little more time wondering about what you're doing, and where you're going and "Why isn't he thinking about me?"

OK, this is the subtle point, or razor edge walk. I did not care that much over the years. No I am quite thoughtful about her. However, there is the danger of caring too much or too little.

 

I read a book years ago about women who push their men away, and then panic and pull them back. I don't remember the exact title, but it was significant enough to be common among a number of women and women's psychology. Hopefully someone else will read this and re-call the title.

Well, I feel that after I show persistent best husband/father behavior and pull the stunt of walking away, she will panic. I do not want to go there.

 

In the end? Its like Steve told Hellen? "There's just no way of tellin'" One thing about it RB, if yours and hers marriage does go south? You won't have a problem finding a replacement! And you'll be a better man, husband for the experience.

 

And I must say RB that your most recent posting imply a stronger and more confident RB than when you first started this thread. You've become more pro-active rather than re-active.

Thanks. Yes, I am becoming better. Several of my friends are amazed by the way I am dealing with the situation.

 

So today was another good day. Many thanks again.

[bestadvisor]

Can you believe: she is asking me to talk to the husband of one of her very good girlfriends so he starts treating her better. So, I am supposed to influence him with all my skills. Is not this amazing?

 

 

It seems that not only was she noticing your changes, but she might even be talking about it with others.

[Gunny376]

I think your on the verge of "critical mass" in that your mind is beginning to wonder WTF?

 

You come across as very intellegent, well-read, very well educated individual?

 

Me? I like to read. I prefer reading and learning over watching "Dancing With The Stars" or whatever its called? I could care less about Paris Hylton, or O.J.?

 

Me? I screwed up ~ but I was ignorant! I just didn't know any better! I married young. We were mentally, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually incompatiable!

 

I pursue knowledge for the sake of knowledge ~ a scholar's pursuit. Learning for the sake of learning?

 

Per your latest post? You've got "game" ~ all day long ~ you've got game!

 

What's crepping into your brain housing group ~ now? Is "WTF am I getting out of this?"

 

"What's my "ROI" ~ (return on investement) of "time, effort, and energy?"

 

Well its "zilch, nothing ~ nadda!"

 

She's got one thing and one thing only to offer you? Sex!

 

You've heard of PMS?

 

You're quickly acquiring a case of TPUWHS! "Tired of Putting Up With Her S***!

[redblack66]

I think your on the verge of "critical mass" in that your mind is beginning to wonder WTF?

 

You come across as very intellegent, well-read, very well educated individual?

 

Me? I like to read. I prefer reading and learning over watching "Dancing With The Stars" or whatever its called? I could care less about Paris Hylton, or O.J.?

 

Me? I screwed up ~ but I was ignorant! I just didn't know any better! I married young. We were mentally, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually incompatiable!

 

I pursue knowledge for the sake of knowledge ~ a scholar's pursuit. Learning for the sake of learning?

 

Per your latest post? You've got "game" ~ all day long ~ you've got game!

 

What's crepping into your brain housing group ~ now? Is "WTF am I getting out of this?"

 

"What's my "ROI" ~ (return on investement) of "time, effort, and energy?"

 

Well its "zilch, nothing ~ nadda!"

 

She's got one thing and one thing only to offer you? Sex!

 

You've heard of PMS?

 

You're quickly acquiring a case of TPUWHS! "Tired of Putting Up With Her S***!

 

 

Your post is a real confidence building for me.

 

Yes, I am wondering WTF I am getting out of this. I am giving unconditional 100% high-quality behavior, maturity, and understanding. I went from a regular, clueless, hard-working man, to quite a knowledgeable and caring husband and father, up to the point that is unreal. This happened in 2-3 months. Think about 20 years the same upward spiral. (Any ladies here wanting such a thing; just joking.)

 

I told her yesterday that there is no way back for me towards my previous me. This is how I do things: if I decide something, I am applying myself completely.

 

As a recognition, I am getting headaches and sleepless nights, and a lot of nonsense. Yes, the only thing she can offer is sex, but it has not been the main source of attraction for me in this relation, so I am getting nothing.

 

Here is a quick recap from this morning. I was distant, she was pleasant. I made breakfast for the kids, made lunch for my son, and took him to school.

I said 'I have two sweet ideas after your yoga tonight. Just tell me if you are coming home or going out'. She said 'Why don't you tell me so I know.'

I offered her to watch a movie with me at home or to "send" her to a movie. She said let me see how I feel tonight.

 

Then she that this Friday we have to deal with finances (with the lawyers) and how to split vacations with the kids. Her comment was a needle in my heart, but I smiled and said 'Are you ready for Friday'.

She said 'No, but we must be ready.' She asked if I was ready, I said 'Kind of, but not much.'

 

Yesterday she told me that a friend of hers told her that we should date after we separate physically. I think this is her way of saying let's keep going. However, I will not date her if we are not living together. I am planning to be 100% out of her life in this scenario, and I am planning to meet women on a regular basis, just to keep sane.

 

Tomorrow we have a marriage counseling session. If she comes, I am planning to say (along the lines of LJ):

"I believe we can recover from this crisis, and we will have a very strong marriage, and I am committed to provide for our children the best future they can have. I do not want to file for divorce, but at the same time, I do not want to be bound on paper to someone that does not want to be married to me."

I will leave it at that.

 

It has been a hell of a ride...

[redblack66]

ving Us Crazy"

I read a book years ago about women who push their men away, and then panic and pull them back. I don't remember the exact title, but it was significant enough to be common among a number of women and women's psychology. Hopefully someone else will read this and re-call the title.

I think it is "Men are form Mars, Women are from Venus." Recommended; I am listening to the audio version.

[redblack66]

Friends, my situation is becoming like a "dark" soap opera.

 

My wife just called me to tell me that she wants financial independence, does not want to spend Christmas with me, and does not want to reconcile, and she never wanted to reconcile.

I have been stalling her life.

 

I told her that I respect her decision and wishes, and myself I have been working on moving on with my life, which is the truth.

(I think she anticipated that I would talk her out of her separation

business.)

 

I asked her if she wants me out of the house. She said 'I do not want

to take this responsibility and you grow up.' I said 'I have been growing up and I understand.'

 

I told her that if she wants out, 'Lets roll our sleeves, figure out the financial stuff, and minimize the lawyers.'

I told her I am spending Christmas with the kids, no matter what.

 

Now I had a message on my answering machine saying that 'She wasn't clear to me about the living arrangements in the house, and if I want to discuss this, I should call her.' I will not; had enough of BS.

 

She was not sure she wanted to go to marriage counseling tomorrow.

I said I am going myself, and if she wants to go herself, I will look after the kids. (We have a problem finding somebody looking after the kids tomorrow.)

 

Am I on the right track?

[Gunny376]

I could be wrong? But it sounds more as though she's trying to convince herself? And again? It may come all the way to divorce, before its all said and done.

 

And from your posts? I know you're growing weary of all this back and forth? I realize your hanging tough for the children, but at some point in time you've got to ask yourself if its worth it?

 

Me? I'd be the answer to her dreams! But that's me? I for one don't fear being and living alone.

 

Just stay steady, consistent, persistent. Don't react to her waffling ~ ignore it. Be steadfast, regardless of the outcome. In the long run of it? You'll come out fine.

 

IMHO? You're really in a win-win situation in the long run, with the exception of her and the children moving back thousands of miles to the family farm.

 

But even given that? You're a pretty smart and resourceful individual ~ you'll figure something out!

[BestAdvisor1]

Friends, my situation is becoming like a "dark" soap opera.

 

My wife just called me to tell me that she wants financial independence, does not want to spend Christmas with me, and does not want to reconcile, and she never wanted to reconcile.

I have been stalling her life.

 

Seems like she just got off the phone with OM and then call you.

 

There is going to be a plit either in physical seperation or divorce before things get better between the two of you (if it will). I definately see that things will get worse before it will get better. Better meaning you and her reconcile or you completely moving on. During the course of the next weeks/months, make sure you don't lose your cool. Stay calm, firm, and reasonable and let her be the crazy one.

[jmargel]

Dance puppet Dance!!

 

That's all she's doing to you. You have refused to try my suggestions. You really can't expect anything to change when you continue down the same path. Look back 10 pages, has anything really changed? Not really.

 

The problem with all of this, is these 'changes' you are doing for her. You say you're not but you are constantly trying to get her approval. She knows this without you even saying a word to her about it. You might even try to contradict this but it's as plain as day.

 

Her going back and forth on her moods is her way of continuing to disrespect you. She continues to have no desire to be with you because she doesn't value anything between you two. This is due to her 'personality problems', her attitude, her immaturity. These are root problems that you cannot fix. You might be able to fix or help ease some of the topics that have arisen between you two however she will also hold this disappointment she has in you because to her it is POWER.

 

Steal that power away from her! Take away her safety net! SHOW her, not tell her. Telling her words has no meaning to her. You 'improving' yourself has no meaning to her because it doesn't involve her.

 

You have alot of power, you just don't know it. You really need to stand up to her and not whimper away when she tries to push you around. I would get your papers, and finanicals together tonight and let her know that you are ready for friday and that you are tired of being dragged through the mud. That filing for divorce and trying to goto marriage counseling at the same time doesn't work. That you are done with this all and want the divorce. Otheriwise you'll continued to be dragged through the mud. You can't save a marriage with someone who has her kind of attitude.

 

Show CONFIDENCE! I can't stress that word enough. Live as like you are untouchable, that you WILL find someone who will treat you like you should be treated, that you are worth MORE than what she is giving you. You are not getting ANYTHING out of this marriage, not enough to stay in it. Make her understand this in any possible way you can.

 

The only way to win this game, is to not play it.

[redblack66]

Dance puppet Dance!!

 

That's all she's doing to you. You have refused to try my suggestions. You really can't expect anything to change when you continue down the same path. Look back 10 pages, has anything really changed? Not really.

 

The problem with all of this, is these 'changes' you are doing for her. You say you're not but you are constantly trying to get her approval. She knows this without you even saying a word to her about it. You might even try to contradict this but it's as plain as day.

 

Her going back and forth on her moods is her way of continuing to disrespect you. She continues to have no desire to be with you because she doesn't value anything between you two. This is due to her 'personality problems', her attitude, her immaturity. These are root problems that you cannot fix. You might be able to fix or help ease some of the topics that have arisen between you two however she will also hold this disappointment she has in you because to her it is POWER.

 

Steal that power away from her! Take away her safety net! SHOW her, not tell her. Telling her words has no meaning to her. You 'improving' yourself has no meaning to her because it doesn't involve her.

 

You have alot of power, you just don't know it. You really need to stand up to her and not whimper away when she tries to push you around. I would get your papers, and finanicals together tonight and let her know that you are ready for friday and that you are tired of being dragged through the mud. That filing for divorce and trying to goto marriage counseling at the same time doesn't work. That you are done with this all and want the divorce. Otheriwise you'll continued to be dragged through the mud. You can't save a marriage with someone who has her kind of attitude.

 

Show CONFIDENCE! I can't stress that word enough. Live as like you are untouchable, that you WILL find someone who will treat you like you should be treated, that you are worth MORE than what she is giving you. You are not getting ANYTHING out of this marriage, not enough to stay in it. Make her understand this in any possible way you can.

 

The only way to win this game, is to not play it.

 

Well, you are right as usual. Tonight and tomorrow I am working on my financial statement and likely filing for divorce, unless miracle happens, but I do not expect such.

 

I am not keeping her informed about my plans. I am in charge of my life.

[american-woman]

Good going she does`nt need to know about your plans keep her in the dark there. I`m sure she will get a big jolt when she see`s divorce papers. Best of luck to you.

[ilmw]

Hey Rb,

 

Just read back several posts like you asked.

 

I can't really add to what everyone has said. As some much excellent advise has already been given.

 

What I will add is this. Like with anything in life... if you believe it, then it is real to you!... What I mean by this is; You will not convince anyone of your hard fought for changes... unless YOU actually believe them yourself. You have to talk the talk... and walk the walk...

 

This is how I became... I believed in what I was doing. I started to know where I was going... and knew I could walk that path alone... if need be, for the rest of my life.

 

Time truly is the best teacher... and character builder.... I believe Gunny mentioned me in an earlier post... ie: how my DW and I seperated all are assests... and moved apart... that lasted 1.5 years... It was truly the best thing that happended... in the long run for are relationship. It sucked it had to come down to that... and a lot of people got hurt along the way. But in the big picture... we have a new appreciation for each other... and I have a lot more respect for her than I did before..

 

Now... I want to make this clear... I have been given a lot of advise on here... Most of it great... but what you have to learn to do... is apply what is appropriate for you relationship/situation. Some of the things that were suggested to me.. Just would not have worked... as my situation was not the same as... well yours... or anyone elses.

 

I took what worked for me... I applied it along with all the books I had read. Now... this did not get me my wife back. But it did make me a better man. I believed I was a better man... and still do. This change was forged in my own personl fiery hell. I am changed... but I had to lose my family... to get it back.

 

Now.. I am lucky... I do believe that. I was able to save my family... and reunite with my wife. This does not mean it will happen for you. I know you want it more than anything... I know... I was there. Been there, seen it, done it... etc! What I finally learned was... you can only control YOU... so don't worry about what you can't. Just learn to bend like a tree in the wind (or some Zen thing like that)

 

Also... believe nothing what she says.... She such a haze... and most likely so full of anger towards you (possibly not warranted) but all the same... anything you do... that seems to be an attempt to "Win her back" will back fire... Yup.. I tried it... and it just pushed her away!

 

I told her... many months later... after a lot of heart ache... "I'm done with this... I am moving on" The thing is... I meant it.

 

Now we are back together... She likes the idea... I don't need her... which funnily enough (no, not actually funny, but you get the idea) is one of the reasons she had enough of me... and wanted to get away from me... among other things..

 

The seperation.. allowed me to find me... the real me (but better)... and through the reading, personal counselling... and LS... I learned to make the changes stick... BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN THEM.

 

rb... are you seeing a theme here? YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE. You can't go on without it... It's like having faith... It helps to see you through hard times... Do what ever it takes to get it.

 

Stop worrying about HER... and worry about you (and take care of the kiddies)

 

There will come a point, when you will "wake up" and will say to yourself..."screw this" I feel, that is when you start taking back your life.

 

And.. in closing... if you do not believe in your changes... she will smell it a mile or 2.2 km's away;)

 

KEEPING READING OTHER THREADS TOO... I LEARNED A LOT FROM OTHER FOLKS SITUATIONS.. AND ADD TO THOSE THREADS... IT MAKES WHAT YOU ARE LEARNING STICK.. AND BECOME REAL.. LIKE PRACTICAL EXAMS

 

ilmw

[Gunny376]

Hey Rb,

 

Just read back several posts like you asked.

 

I can't really add to what everyone has said. As some much excellent advise has already been given.

 

What I will add is this. Like with anything in life... if you believe it, then it is real to you!... What I mean by this is; You will not convince anyone of your hard fought for changes... unless YOU actually believe them yourself. You have to talk the talk... and walk the walk...

 

This is how I became... I believed in what I was doing. I started to know where I was going... and knew I could walk that path alone... if need be, for the rest of my life.

 

Time truly is the best teacher... and character builder.... I believe Gunny mentioned me in an earlier post... ie: how my DW and I seperated all are assests... and moved apart... that lasted 1.5 years... It was truly the best thing that happended... in the long run for are relationship. It sucked it had to come down to that... and a lot of people got hurt along the way. But in the big picture... we have a new appreciation for each other... and I have a lot more respect for her than I did before..

 

Now... I want to make this clear... I have been given a lot of advise on here... Most of it great... but what you have to learn to do... is apply what is appropriate for you relationship/situation. Some of the things that were suggested to me.. Just would not have worked... as my situation was not the same as... well yours... or anyone elses.

 

I took what worked for me... I applied it along with all the books I had read. Now... this did not get me my wife back. But it did make me a better man. I believed I was a better man... and still do. This change was forged in my own personl fiery hell. I am changed... but I had to lose my family... to get it back.

 

Now.. I am lucky... I do believe that. I was able to save my family... and reunite with my wife. This does not mean it will happen for you. I know you want it more than anything... I know... I was there. Been there, seen it, done it... etc! What I finally learned was... you can only control YOU... so don't worry about what you can't. Just learn to bend like a tree in the wind (or some Zen thing like that)

 

Also... believe nothing what she says.... She such a haze... and most likely so full of anger towards you (possibly not warranted) but all the same... anything you do... that seems to be an attempt to "Win her back" will back fire... Yup.. I tried it... and it just pushed her away!

 

I told her... many months later... after a lot of heart ache... "I'm done with this... I am moving on" The thing is... I meant it.

 

Now we are back together... She likes the idea... I don't need her... which funnily enough (no, not actually funny, but you get the idea) is one of the reasons she had enough of me... and wanted to get away from me... among other things..

 

The seperation.. allowed me to find me... the real me (but better)... and through the reading, personal counselling... and LS... I learned to make the changes stick... BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN THEM.

 

rb... are you seeing a theme here? YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE. You can't go on without it... It's like having faith... It helps to see you through hard times... Do what ever it takes to get it.

 

Stop worrying about HER... and worry about you (and take care of the kiddies)

 

There will come a point, when you will "wake up" and will say to yourself..."screw this" I feel, that is when you start taking back your life.

 

And.. in closing... if you do not believe in your changes... she will smell it a mile or 2.2 km's away;)

 

KEEPING READING OTHER THREADS TOO... I LEARNED A LOT FROM OTHER FOLKS SITUATIONS.. AND ADD TO THOSE THREADS... IT MAKES WHAT YOU ARE LEARNING STICK.. AND BECOME REAL.. LIKE PRACTICAL EXAMS

 

ilmw

 

OUTSTANDING POST ILMW! SIMPLY OUTSTANDING!

In short?

 

You've GOT to live for yourself! You can't live your life through and for someone else?! Perpetually identify your weaknesses and seek selfimprovement and self-actualization. Seek to live up to your full potential as who and what you are on every level ~ in every role!

 

While jMargel, Lady Jane, Dropdeadlegs, MzPixie, DARosster, Lakesidedreams, (to name but a few) may disagree on the subtiles of this and that ~ one thing we all have achieved and obtained is complete and total self actualization ~we know who we are, and what we're about? We don't need someone else to complete us and our lives? And with that, comes self-autonomy.

 

We're each and everyone completely fine with the concept of being single and alone for the rest of our lives. Its someone comes along? Great! If not? Great!

 

The single greatest bar to true intimacy? Over-dependence/neediness?

 

"I" (ilmw) myself and others know the truth! That contary to popular belief? Men and women aren't meant to live together for extended periods of time ~ and the only way to do so? Is for each individual to achieve complete self actualization and autonomy ~ and take it one day at a time, appreciate it and value it ~ one day at a time ~ to never take it for granted ~ one day at a time.

 

Forever and ever? Comes one day at a time!

[redblack66]

Hey Rb,

 

Just read back several posts like you asked.

 

I can't really add to what everyone has said. As some much excellent advise has already been given.

 

What I will add is this. Like with anything in life... if you believe it, then it is real to you!... What I mean by this is; You will not convince anyone of your hard fought for changes... unless YOU actually believe them yourself. You have to talk the talk... and walk the walk...

Thank you for the insightful posting. Well, I do not have a choice,

but to fix myself.

 

 

This is how I became... I believed in what I was doing. I started to know where I was going... and knew I could walk that path alone... if need be, for the rest of my life.

 

Time truly is the best teacher... and character builder.... I believe Gunny mentioned me in an earlier post... ie: how my DW and I seperated all are assests... and moved apart... that lasted 1.5 years... It was truly the best thing that happended... in the long run for are relationship. It sucked it had to come down to that... and a lot of people got hurt along the way. But in the big picture... we have a new appreciation for each other... and I have a lot more respect for her than I did before..

 

Now... I want to make this clear... I have been given a lot of advise on here... Most of it great... but what you have to learn to do... is apply what is appropriate for you relationship/situation. Some of the things that were suggested to me.. Just would not have worked... as my situation was not the same as... well yours... or anyone elses.

 

I took what worked for me... I applied it along with all the books I had read. Now... this did not get me my wife back. But it did make me a better man. I believed I was a better man... and still do. This change was forged in my own personl fiery hell. I am changed... but I had to lose my family... to get it back.

 

Now.. I am lucky... I do believe that. I was able to save my family... and reunite with my wife. This does not mean it will happen for you. I know you want it more than anything... I know... I was there. Been there, seen it, done it... etc! What I finally learned was... you can only control YOU... so don't worry about what you can't. Just learn to bend like a tree in the wind (or some Zen thing like that)

 

Also... believe nothing what she says.... She such a haze... and most likely so full of anger towards you (possibly not warranted) but all the same... anything you do... that seems to be an attempt to "Win her back" will back fire... Yup.. I tried it... and it just pushed her away!

 

It is good to hear not to believe what she says. I am trying not to believe :-). She is very firm: no reconciliation.

 

I told her... many months later... after a lot of heart ache... "I'm done with this... I am moving on" The thing is... I meant it.

I don't have to tell her. I have to just try to move on. She will figure it out.

 

Now we are back together... She likes the idea... I don't need her... which funnily enough (no, not actually funny, but you get the idea) is one of the reasons she had enough of me... and wanted to get away from me... among other things..

 

The seperation.. allowed me to find me... the real me (but better)... and through the reading, personal counselling... and LS... I learned to make the changes stick... BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN THEM.

 

rb... are you seeing a theme here? YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE. You can't go on without it... It's like having faith... It helps to see you through hard times... Do what ever it takes to get it.

 

Stop worrying about HER... and worry about you (and take care of the kiddies)

 

There will come a point, when you will "wake up" and will say to yourself..."screw this" I feel, that is when you start taking back your life.

 

And.. in closing... if you do not believe in your changes... she will smell it a mile or 2.2 km's away;)

 

KEEPING READING OTHER THREADS TOO... I LEARNED A LOT FROM OTHER FOLKS SITUATIONS.. AND ADD TO THOSE THREADS... IT MAKES WHAT YOU ARE LEARNING STICK.. AND BECOME REAL.. LIKE PRACTICAL EXAMS

 

ilmw

 

 

I believe that if we go through this, we will be in a good shape. However, I also have doubts that my wife will not grow up in her own way. She needs to face the real world before she grows up.

 

Thanks again.

[redblack66]

This morning my wife was disrespectful. I said when you start talking with more respect, come and talk to me, and I went to my room. Right now I am working on my financial statement.

She is VERY respectful and sweet. as much as I don't care.

 

Simple lesson for newbies: don't allow disrespect, no matter what.

[PWSX3]

As Ilmw & Gunny & others have posted, each situation is different & each of us might get to the same place in a different way, but that place is being happy & in control of ourself.

 

Just like all the other guys I also tried to convince my W to stay & just like everyone else it just pushes them farther away. Once me & my W started talking again she said those last couple weeks whenever I talked to her she just heard Charlie Brown, Wa-wa-wa-wa..... She said it didn't matter what I did or said she was going to move out because that is what she had planned & worked herself up to do so I doubt your W is any different.

 

She has set in her mind to split & there is NOTHING you can do about it, so just start moving forward. If the time comes & she decides she wants back then worry about that then but for now she is GONE, FINISHED, BYE-BYE...