separated in the same house; would wife come around

[redblack66]

A sign of strong inner emotional conflict?

I very much believe so.

 

Let her know that IF things does work out between the two of you (very slim chance) that she can come with you, because it's solely work.

She is thinking of coming even it things do not work out. BS.

 

 

They probably don't know the continue disrespect and disregard of your feelings by her by continue the affair through your phone at your own residence.

I am sure they do not know. She does not get it what she is doing.

Hope she will get it through parents.

 

What's her reaction to your anger with the phone calls? Just quite and not arguing back? Do you know what they talk about and what the

tones were like?

 

She has a great dose of insecurity in her personality, as far as I can see.

I told her this must not continue because is disrespect to everybody.

She played damn and asked me how to take her calls. I told her I mean one call. Then she asked me if I want her to stop talking to this guy. I told her that I do not want him to phone here and she can talk as much as she wants, but not in the house. She said 'I have to think about it.' This pisses me off.

 

She is very nice towards me after I put the boundaries in place.

 

Anyhow, I am looking forward for the whole thing to end and start my normal life. What do you think about the letter I posted earlier?

[BestAdvisor1]

She is thinking of coming even it things do not work out. BS.

 

If she's serious, this is interesting. Intesting meaning that she desperate won't let you go by taking this huge measure.

 

I am sure they do not know. She does not get it what she is doing.

Hope she will get it through parents.

 

Set your boundaries about her phone calls with OM in front of her parents. They need to know. Remember how good you felt when you initially disclose the affair to her dad?

 

 

She is very nice towards me after I put the boundaries in place.

 

Then you need to continue with your boundaries. Be firm and reasonable about them.

 

Anyhow, I am looking forward for the whole thing to end and start my normal life. What do you think about the letter I posted earlier?

 

Gunny already made a comment about your letter. You want my opinion? I disagree with Gunny's opinion.

 

You need to emphasize that you're a better person and husband now and you WILL be a better husband for some one whether it be her or someone else. Tell her that because whom you've become; a better husband, you deseve a better wife than she is now. Tell her you're not interested in a moody roommate but a loving wife and you can't find that in her now. If she doesn't change, you will have to let her go.

 

Your boundaries seemed to get her to respect you. Be honest and firm about your boundaries.

 

I think you're handeling those phone call better than most husbands. Ask her how she would feel if some girl is calling the house and you're answering them without any regard to her (your W) feelings.

[redblack66]

If she's serious, this is interesting. Intesting meaning that she desperate won't let you go by taking this huge measure.

I could not understand the let go thing.

 

 

If she doesn't change, you will have to let her go.

She will not change, or she will not change on time.

 

Your boundaries seemed to get her to respect you. Be honest and firm about your boundaries.

A LOT of respect. I let her "free" for a while, but being firm is very helpful.

 

I think you're handeling those phone call better than most husbands. Ask her how she would feel if some girl is calling the house and you're answering them without any regard to her (your W) feelings.

 

 

Well, people do call me, but not girls, let alone lovers. She thinks that these are girlfriends. I can give her the cell phone to answer it,

but I am close to let everything go and forget about saving things.

[BestAdvisor1]

I could not understand the let go thing.

 

It's almost like she doesn't want you right now, but at the same time, she doesn't want some one else to have you either (especially after the improvements).

 

I am close to let everything go and forget about saving things.

 

Before you give up, remember, kids are much better off if they grow up with both parents and you don't want to be a part-time dad to your two kids, do you? Not to mention that you still have these strong feelings and attractions for your wife.

[Gunny376]

Divorce law is about as ugly as it gets?! It can get down right ugly!

 

Anything you say, do, or write can and will be used against you!

 

To include letters, cards, notes, post-it-notes to buy a gallon of milk!

 

And this is true regardless if your in Canada, the US, Austria, New Zeland, wherever?

 

With that said? Don't live your life for your children.

 

Yes?! To a certain extent? But at some point and time you've got to live your life for yourself.

[Jade 02]

Hi redblack

If this thread is still about living together ,and being seperated,I have some things to say(I am also doing the same thing,Hubby is drunk) But I have to go to work,so I will sAAY MORE LATER.

 

bLESS YOUR HEART

[redblack66]

Divorce law is about as ugly as it gets?! It can get down right ugly!

 

Anything you say, do, or write can and will be used against you!

 

To include letters, cards, notes, post-it-notes to buy a gallon of milk!

 

And this is true regardless if your in Canada, the US, Austria, New Zeland, wherever?

 

With that said? Don't live your life for your children.

 

Yes?! To a certain extent? But at some point and time you've got to live your life for yourself.

 

I am in a no fault jurisdiction and it does not matter if one has an affair and so on. I will live my life for myself. So far, I have lived it for other people.

I thought very carefully about my wife's actions, behavior, thoughts,

and I think I will be better off without her, as much as I love her. I think she has very deep problems, which may never be fixed. They are just part of her.

[redblack66]

I just had a quick conversation with my wife about her affair. She is in such a denial that is unbelievable. I told her that 95% of affairs die by natural death in 2 years, and often within 6 months. She says surprisingly 'What affair?', like I am talking about something imaginary.

 

Me bringing some of her facts, really puts her on the defensive side and she tries to BS me big time. Even managed to say 'Shut up', which is unacceptable.

 

I don't understand why I am wasting time discussing this; I guess it is pain an hurt. She has the balls to tell me to leave the living room because she needs space. I told her to call her lawyer if I am invading her space (I am not by the agreement).

 

All started with her parents coming today and me saying that they should know the truth because so far they know that I am the bad person in this marriage. If I am done, and I must be done as she is done and I have been in denial, I do not see much advantage talking to the parents, but still I feel they should know what contributed to our break up.

[BestAdvisor1]

Why are her parents coming to visit? Trying to fix the marriage?

[redblack66]

Why are her parents coming to visit? Trying to fix the marriage?

 

No, mostly to see the kids.

[LostinBama]

I just had a quick conversation with my wife about her affair. She is in such a denial that is unbelievable. I told her that 95% of affairs die by natural death in 2 years, and often within 6 months. She says surprisingly 'What affair?', like I am talking about something imaginary.

 

Me bringing some of her facts, really puts her on the defensive side and she tries to BS me big time. Even managed to say 'Shut up', which is unacceptable.

 

I don't understand why I am wasting time discussing this; I guess it is pain an hurt. She has the balls to tell me to leave the living room because she needs space. I told her to call her lawyer if I am invading her space (I am not by the agreement).

 

All started with her parents coming today and me saying that they should know the truth because so far they know that I am the bad person in this marriage. If I am done, and I must be done as she is done and I have been in denial, I do not see much advantage talking to the parents, but still I feel they should know what contributed to our break up.

 

Man, I feel for you. I understand the pain, but in many ways your situation is probably more painful than mine. But in the end the result is the same. I have not posted to your thread before because I frankly do not feel qualified to advise someone from my position. Nevertheless, it sounds like you are moving in the right direction. I think that neither one of our wives will ever learn what they are abandoning. Our attempts to try to point it out are counterproductive and probably only adds to their rationalizations. The old adage; "you can lead a horse to water" comes to mind. Hang in there buddy!

[redblack66]

Man, I feel for you. I understand the pain, but in many ways your situation is probably more painful than mine. But in the end the result is the same. I have not posted to your thread before because I frankly do not feel qualified to advise someone from my position. Nevertheless, it sounds like you are moving in the right direction. I think that neither one of our wives will ever learn what they are abandoning. Our attempts to try to point it out are counterproductive and probably only adds to their rationalizations. The old adage; "you can lead a horse to water" comes to mind. Hang in there buddy!

 

It is hard, but I hope I make it. No point of showing them what they are losing. They will figure it out in about a year. My wife has had VERY secure lifestyle with me, something that many of my female friends can only dream about. She will wake up only after she is on her own. Even if right now she decides to reconcile, I am not convinced I can accept her. So, in a way I am in an awful pain, but

not ready for her. She has a long walk to walk before gets to where she is supposed to be.

Besides, our sexual life has not been that great from day one, so I am getting convinced that what is happening could be very good for me.

[redblack66]

Friends, I don't know what happened to me, but I really want to get out of my marriage now. I was the one trying to save it, and I believe I gave everything from myself.

 

I am just convinced that my wife is very immature, and I will be much better of without her. She is in her fantasy land, and I do not feel she will come down to earth at all. She cannot bring anything to the table now.

 

I want out so badly, that I am worried that she may run towards me, and I hope this will not happen.

 

We have our meeting with the lawyers again on January 23th, and I am just impatient to get over with this chapter of my life.

 

As a small comment: she told one of our friends that I am a very good husband and a father. I wonder if Plan A has worked. On top of everything our friend asked my wife why she wants separation if I am so good, and my wife did not answer. I don't give a damn what she does anymore.

[PWSX3]

When I was talking to my best friend about my situation something he said to me has stayed in my head ever since, he said; have you done everything you could do for this marriage?

 

I was able to tell myself; no I had not & there were things that I could do & so I have worked on those things, I have learned a lot about how my growing up had a lot to do with how I am now, I learned that things are a LOT different now then they were 26 years ago when we got married.

 

You are starting to sound a lot like many people here, they want there marriage to work, you start to learn what really was going on, who that person you did marry has changed & maybe that person isn't the person you want to be with anymore. It is a lot easier to look or blame the other person for what is going on but when you turn around & start looking at yourself & trying to better yourself then I feel things really change for the good.

 

I really feel that in most cases the person that leaves isn't the one that ends up being happy because they haven't hit bottom, they just move on to someone else in hopes of making themselves happy instead of really looking at what "they" need to do....

 

If you read most of the stories here, after the divorce the one that got dumped moves on, sure you won't ever forget but you move on & learn from what happened, but I really wonder if the person that started the miss with the "I love you, but I'm not in Love with you" BS really is better off in the end?

 

Keep learning, keep working at making yourself a better person & I bet when it is all over with you will be saying just what you are thinking; wow I'm so much better off now then I was with the "X"......

[jmargel]

I believe I should try to behave in a way so she feels very comfortable and not pressured around me

 

Are you kidding me? While she continues to CHEAT on you? She continues to disrespect you and your children by having this affair right in front of all of you.

 

That letter and lecture is just that to her. Even in the letter you are whimpering out.

 

If I were in your shoes and that conversation happened, it would go something like this:

 

"Get your clothes, your suitcase and leave. I will not be around someone so disrespectful, immature and selfish anymore"

 

And MEAN it. Help her if you need to. When are you going to stop giving her chances? Stop trying to be her psychologist, all that does is make you look weaker. This guy has the balls to call your house and have your children listen in on your wife's conversations with her?

 

I can see why she disrespects you, because you allow it. You are tolerating her behavior. Get your OWN checking account and take out as much as you can out of the joint account because I can GUARANTEE that she will be buying this OM Christmas gifts with YOUR money. Make her life HELL.

 

What does it take for you to really rail into her? (verbally, not physically) Does she need to be ****ing him in front of you? There is NO marriage, she throws you a bone now and then. She is showing NO remorse and actually the complete opposite. She continues to try to justify it, which means this affair is not going to stop. Remember the main issue here is not the cheating, it's the constant immaturity and disrespect towards you and your children. She has disrespected you on many levels, more than just the cheating.

[redblack66]

When I was talking to my best friend about my situation something he said to me has stayed in my head ever since, he said; have you done everything you could do for this marriage?

 

I believe I have done everything I could do. Surely, other people may not say the same, but it is important what I believe so.

 

...

 

You are starting to sound a lot like many people here, they want there marriage to work, you start to learn what really was going on, who that person you did marry has changed & maybe that person isn't the person you want to be with anymore. It is a lot easier to look or blame the other person for what is going on but when you turn around & start looking at yourself & trying to better yourself then I feel things really change for the good.

 

I really feel that in most cases the person that leaves isn't the one that ends up being happy because they haven't hit bottom, they just move on to someone else in hopes of making themselves happy instead of really looking at what "they" need to do....

 

I believe this. I have hit rock bottom. I needed it to realize what the other person is about and to feel good about giving up. Yes, the other person has to hit the real life, if not rock bottom, to realize what they have and do not have. My wife has not moved in any positive direction. Actually, her views, attitude, actions point into a negative directions.

 

If you read most of the stories here, after the divorce the one that got dumped moves on, sure you won't ever forget but you move on & learn from what happened, but I really wonder if the person that started the miss with the "I love you, but I'm not in Love with you" BS really is better off in the end?

 

No, they are not going to learn and work on themselves.

We do what we know how to do; we do better if we know better. They do not know better, because they do not have a real reason to learn.

 

Keep learning, keep working at making yourself a better person & I bet when it is all over with you will be saying just what you are thinking; wow I'm so much better off now then I was with the "X"......

 

 

I bet too. Even if it does not happen, if feel right about myself now.

[redblack66]

Are you kidding me? While she continues to CHEAT on you? She continues to disrespect you and your children by having this affair right in front of all of you.

 

That letter and lecture is just that to her. Even in the letter you are whimpering out.

I realized that.

 

If I were in your shoes and that conversation happened, it would go something like this:

 

"Get your clothes, your suitcase and leave. I will not be around someone so disrespectful, immature and selfish anymore"

She always says this is the kids house and she cannot leave.

She cannot leave the kids with me.

 

And MEAN it. Help her if you need to. When are you going to stop giving her chances? Stop trying to be her psychologist, all that does is make you look weaker. This guy has the balls to call your house and have your children listen in on your wife's conversations with her?

 

I can see why she disrespects you, because you allow it. You are tolerating her behavior. Get your OWN checking account and take out as much as you can out of the joint account because I can GUARANTEE that she will be buying this OM Christmas gifts with YOUR money. Make her life HELL.

Actually, I saw two shirts that did not look for me.

 

What does it take for you to really rail into her? (verbally, not physically) Does she need to be ****ing him in front of you? There is NO marriage, she throws you a bone now and then. She is showing NO remorse and actually the complete opposite. She continues to try to justify it, which means this affair is not going to stop. Remember the main issue here is not the cheating, it's the constant immaturity and disrespect towards you and your children. She has disrespected you on many levels, more than just the cheating.

No worry: my lawyer is preparing a divorce application and I am indeed impatient to finish with this. No relationship talk anymore, nothing.

 

Her parents are here and I will expose this thing to her father again?

I wonder sometimes if there is any point in doing this.

On Thursday I am going skiing for the weekend with a nice female and staying in my friend's apartment. Moving on...

 

This morning she said something disrespectfully and I ignored her. Then she comes and says 'I was not respectful, this is what I wanted to say...'

[BestAdvisor1]

On Thursday I am going skiing for the weekend with a nice female and staying in my friend's apartment. Moving on...

 

I can't help but ask, is this some type of date? Any potential that something might happened between you and this "nice female?"

[BestAdvisor1]

On Thursday I am going skiing for the weekend with a nice female and staying in my friend's apartment. Moving on...

 

I can't help but ask, is this some type of date? Any potential that something might happened between you and this "nice female?"

 

I think it would be a very bad idea for you to jump into any type of relationship right now. Wait at least untill the divorce is finalized.

[redblack66]

I can't help but ask, is this some type of date? Any potential that something might happened between you and this "nice female?"

 

I think it would be a very bad idea for you to jump into any type of relationship right now. Wait at least untill the divorce is finalized.

 

Just friends, sleeping in different rooms.

[redblack66]

I just went with her father for a drink. I just presented to him my point of view. He *does* believe me that his daughter is involved with his summer employee. He will not interfere with my wife's decision, and I made clear to him that my conversation with him is more or less that he knows the truth, and it is not my intention to convince him to interfere.

My conversation with him went very well. I think I did the right thing,

although I wondered if I had to bother at all with him, but he is a reasonable man. He also believes that I have not had affairs in this marriage.

 

Your views on this event will be very helpful. I am totally ignoring my wife, and she will be ignored for a long time.

[Gunny376]

I just went with her father for a drink. I just presented to him my point of view. He *does* believe me that his daughter is involved with his summer employee. He will not interfere with my wife's decision, and I made clear to him that my conversation with him is more or less that he knows the truth, and it is not my intention to convince him to interfere.

My conversation with him went very well. I think I did the right thing,

although I wondered if I had to bother at all with him, but he is a reasonable man. He also believes that I have not had affairs in this marriage.

 

Your views on this event will be very helpful. I am totally ignoring my wife, and she will be ignored for a long time.

 

HONOR

 

INTEGRITY

 

FAITHFULLNESS

 

DECENCEY

 

FORTHRIGHTNESS

 

TRUTHFULLNESS

 

Are all words that come to mind when I read this post!

[redblack66]

HONOR

 

INTEGRITY

 

FAITHFULLNESS

 

DECENCEY

 

FORTHRIGHTNESS

 

TRUTHFULLNESS

 

Are all words that come to mind when I read this post!

 

I do not understand what you mean exactly. I need to apply the above words, or I have done this in your opinion? Please clarify. I am a researcher by nature and work, and generally I try to get to the bottom of things.

[BestAdvisor1]

Your views on this event will be very helpful. I am totally ignoring my wife, and she will be ignored for a long time.

 

How was your relationship with your wife a year ago, two years ago, ten years ago? Do you communicate well with each other? What did she mean to you? What did you mean to you? Was it a lousy relationship from the beginning or was it very meaningful at one point?

[redblack66]

How was your relationship with your wife a year ago, two years ago, ten years ago? Do you communicate well with each other? What did she mean to you? What did you mean to you? Was it a lousy relationship from the beginning or was it very meaningful at one point?

 

We communicate very well now. We have generally communicated well. Strange?