separated in the same house; would wife come around

[american-woman]

He really needs to give as much info on their marriage pior to this happening so we can understand what has taken place and to better advise him. But it does sound like it is to late by his postings.

[american-woman]

Redblack66 you are going on a date with a female friend? Do you realize you are still married? In my state that is called adultry.

[redblack66]

He really needs to give as much info on their marriage pior to this happening so we can understand what has taken place and to better advise him. But it does sound like it is to late by his postings.

 

It is late, but I will be happy to read your views. As I said earlier, I wish to get to the bottom of things.

 

We are both very intelligent. Frequently we understand each other with a few words. Now she says we have nothing in common, but

intellectually, we have quite a bit.

 

Here are some issues. If you need more info, please ask. For me LS is not only a forum for help, but also a way to keep a diary of these difficult moments.

 

- I withdrew from family life to some extent. One reason is my depression, which I have been always taking care of. Another is, more significant, my wife frequently likes to tell me how to do things. For example, I would put suitcases in the trunk of the car,

she would come after me and re-arrange them. This is a small thing,

but practically nearly everything is like that. For me this is telling me: you do not know how to do things well, here how you are supposed to do them. There has been a lot of mothering in this relation, which I cannot take at all.

Another reason is, for example, we would go somewhere, she would get angry over something little, and I would just say why would I go if she is like that.

- She tried for many years to create the person she wanted or the person I was supposed to be. She recently admitted that this was not wise.

- Finances have been an issue. We have little left after all the bills are paid. She never understood this, and I never convinced her that this is the case. However, several times I showed her the spreadsheets I had, and we were in the red.

- She really wants to live close to her parents. There is no job for me there, and likely there is no good-income job for her either.

- A few times I did not go with them to her parents. Main reason is finances. It bothered me that she always pulled money from somewhere to travel, which is a significant amount, and never put such money into the family. She blames me for not visiting her family, but I have been many more times there than we have been to my family. Little things, but they accumulate.

- I have a very flexible work schedule, but also demanding. After we take a month for vacation, she expects me to go and spend more time

with them at the farm. The fact that I have a flexible job does not imply I have to take two months off. I still have to be on top of my field.

- She feels very insecure because of not having money or income herself. At the same time, she would not take on anything, even if I look after the kids.

- I never raise my voice. She explodes relatively frequently, and this puts me in a downward spiral combined with a depressive mood.

Apparently, her parents and siblings yell at each other a lot, and this is the norm in their family. I understand her temper. The problem is she does this when the kids are around, and I told her many times that she must not do this.

- She is very stubborn, and I am very stubborn.

[redblack66]

Redblack66 you are going on a date with a female friend? Do you realize you are still married? In my state that is called adultry.

 

I would not say a date. I am in a no fault jurisdiction, so adultry is not an issue legally. I guess two wrongs do not make it right. I want to be married, but I am told or shown every single day that we are separated and not married. According to my wife, we are separated, which means not married, and according to her, I am free to move on with my life and find my mate.

Confusing??

[ilmw]

I would not say a date. I am in a no fault jurisdiction, so adultry is not an issue legally. I guess two wrongs do not make it right. I want to be married, but I am told or shown every single day that we are separated and not married. According to my wife, we are separated, which means not married, and according to her, I am free to move on with my life and find my mate.

Confusing??

 

It sounds like your wife wants you to "move on" just so she can justify her own decisions.. actions..

 

You can by into her fantasy.. or bust it!

 

Your call..

 

ilmw

[redblack66]

It sounds like your wife wants you to "move on" just so she can justify her own decisions.. actions..

 

You can by into her fantasy.. or bust it!

 

Your call..

 

ilmw

 

I am sure that she is looking for any little thing to justify her actions.

So far, it has been difficult for her to justify them in the sense that I have been involved with others.

[bestadvisor]

We communicate very well now. We have generally communicated well. Strange?

 

To you maybe not, but, to the rest of us, based on what you've posted, it seems that you don't understand each other much and there is lots of guessing what the other one mean.

 

Regarding the date, you called her a "nice female." Obviously, you're some what interested. Do you plan to date if the opportunity comes along?

[redblack66]

To you maybe not, but, to the rest of us, based on what you've posted, it seems that you don't understand each other much and there is lots of guessing what the other one mean.

 

We communicate well with respect to everyday activities, and in particular the children. However, I have decided to keep a distance

so I can try to disconnect myself as much as I can.

 

Regarding the date, you called her a "nice female." Obviously, you're some what interested. Do you plan to date if the opportunity comes along?

 

No, I am not planning to get into a mess before I sort out the present one.

[devastated402]

However, I have decided to keep a distance

so I can try to disconnect myself as much as I can.

 

Is this working out for you? I read through the first few pages and it sounds like thats what everyone is telling you to do. My wife told me she needs her "space" as well and I came back with being super nice. But from reading all the stuff in this thread, it sounds like im going about this the wrong way.

 

So, is the disconnecting working?

[bestadvisor]

Is this working out for you? I read through the first few pages and it sounds like thats what everyone is telling you to do. My wife told me she needs her "space" as well and I came back with being super nice. But from reading all the stuff in this thread, it sounds like im going about this the wrong way.

 

So, is the disconnecting working?

 

You need to be super nice at least for a while so that when she have to make a decision, she will remember the nice you. But, being super nice is not all about winnig her back; it's also about improving yourself. Again, you can only be "super nice" so long to someone who's constantly cheating on you.

 

Once you're becoming tired of it, you should keep your distance completely, but not rude ever. You shouldn't focus on that now, you should focus on being nice to her at this moment and exposure.

[devastated402]

You need to be super nice at least for a while so that when she have to make a decision, she will remember the nice you. But, being super nice is not all about winnig her back; it's also about improving yourself. Again, you can only be "super nice" so long to someone who's constantly cheating on you.

 

Once you're becoming tired of it, you should keep your distance completely, but not rude ever. You shouldn't focus on that now, you should focus on being nice to her at this moment and exposure.

 

Thanks, sorry. I didnt mean to jack the OP's thread. Good luck OP, i'll hope for the best for you as im doing the same for myself.

[redblack66]

Is this working out for you? I read through the first few pages and it sounds like thats what everyone is telling you to do. My wife told me she needs her "space" as well and I came back with being super nice. But from reading all the stuff in this thread, it sounds like im going about this the wrong way.

 

So, is the disconnecting working?

 

In August, when my wife told me she needed space and I became super nice, it did not work at all. I guess you know this: don't beg, don't pressure, don't convince, etc.

[american-woman]

You are married and seeing someone else is CHEATING. Regardless of what your wife is doing why not wait till you are divorced.

[redblack66]

Interesting, my wife wanted to resolve a small issue with me, and she approached me with "Can you help me understand why you decided to do..."

 

 

This is straight out of a relationship book, which I read, but do not remember the title.

[BestAdvisor1]

Interesting, my wife wanted to resolve a small issue with me, and she approached me with "Can you help me understand why you decided to do..."

 

 

I have a feeling that it's going to be very hard for you to live without her.

[redblack66]

I decided to go away from Thursday to Sunday noon. I told about this my wife last week, but last night she wanted me to cancel it and stay home because she found some part-time job for Friday evening and Saturday and somebody has to look after the kids.

I told her that a decision has been made and I am going away. I got the regular: your are the same, you will never change, you do not care about the kids, you leave them alone, you have to find child care, blah, blah. I told her this is how her life is going to be and my decision is not changing.

 

Apparently her tommy is a bit bigger and I asked her if she was pregnant. The answer was 'None of your business.' She is not, but this was a terrible answer to a question that is quite serious to play with.

 

Then she wanted to know again if I am going away with somebody.

And then my cell rang and she had to wrestle me to figure out who was calling. She could not.

 

What am I dealing with??? What do you think?

 

Nothing has worked so far, I have given up practically, and I am trying to move on...

I still like to post in my and other threads.

[bestadvisor]

Apparently her tommy is a bit bigger and I asked her if she was pregnant.

 

If she is, couuld it be yours? How are you sure she's not pregnant?

 

 

I decided to go away from Thursday to Sunday noon. I told about this my wife last week, but last night she wanted me to cancel it and stay home because she found some part-time job for Friday evening and Saturday and somebody has to look after the kids.

I told her that a decision has been made and I am going away. I got the regular: your are the same, you will never change, you do not care about the kids, you leave them alone, you have to find child care, blah, blah. I told her this is how her life is going to be and my decision is not changing.

 

I am sorry to say this, but you sounded a little cold and harsh the way you handle it. That's at least how it appeared. I would be 100% behind your firm stand and coldness if she wanted to hang out with friends, but she has a job responsibility, even if it's minimum wage job. At least work with her to get a babysitter. You're coming across as not only an uncaring husband, but more importantly, an uncaring father (at least to her) and that's not the way to handle the situation. You have become better than that, remmember? You might dislike what I've said, but you know me by now, I said it how it is.

 

 

Then she wanted to know again if I am going away with somebody.

And then my cell rang and she had to wrestle me to figure out who was calling. She could not.

 

Now, you have pretty much convinced her that you're having an affair, whether you want it or not and whether you care or not.

[redblack66]

I am sorry to say this, but you sounded a little cold and harsh the way you handle it. That's at least how it appeared. I would be 100% behind your firm stand and coldness if she wanted to hang out with friends, but she has a job responsibility, even if it's minimum wage job. At least work with her to get a babysitter. You're coming across as not only an uncaring husband, but more importantly, an uncaring father (at least to her) and that's not the way to handle the situation. You have become better than that, remmember? You might dislike what I've said, but you know me by now, I said it how it is.

 

She found the job this week, after she knew I was going away.

 

Yes, I am better than that. However, it is time to take care of myself. I have been sleeping in the basement like a DOG and paying all the bills in this house. When she gets upset, she tells me to leave the living room because she needs space. Last time I told her to call her lawyer and check if I can stay in the living room.

 

And I told her: 'If you want to play with my feelings, I do not want to be waken up on the weekend by your hubby from Australia, so I am away.' I have been too good.

 

 

Now, you have pretty much convinced her that you're having an affair, whether you want it or not and whether you care or not.

It does not matter anymore to me what she thinks. I cannot allow anymore anybody to have control over what I do.

[bestadvisor]

Redblack, I know you're angry, but once again, you have to keep the following in mind:

 

1) You have been doing great, your coldness can undo tons of the good things you have been doing.

 

2) You said you don't care what she thinks, but the truth is, deep down, you do. You can't fool yourself, it was just your anger speaking.

 

3) Let's not forget about the kids. You'll be dealilng with their mother for years and years to come no matter how the marriage turn out.

 

4) Did she intentionally get the job to intervene with your plan? If the answer is "No," step into her shoes for a minute. How does she feel and how is she going to deal with an employer who is not her boss yet to delay her postpone her starting date before she even start her job? I know how she treated you, but two wrong doesn't make it right. Not asking you to postpone or cancel your plan, but merely help or discuss with her about finding a babysitter.

[bestadvisor]

 

And I told her: 'If you want to play with my feelings, I do not want to be waken up on the weekend by your hubby from Australia, so I am away.' I have been too good.

 

 

If he still calls after the last time you talked to her and if she still talk to him in the house, the disrespect has gone too far and something needs to be done.

 

I still feel that she needs to be on her own to ever have a chance of waken up, because this is not working out.

[redblack66]

Redblack, I know you're angry, but once again, you have to keep the following in mind:

 

1) You have been doing great, your coldness can undo tons of the good things you have been doing.

 

2) You said you don't care what she thinks, but the truth is, deep down, you do. You can't fool yourself, it was just your anger speaking.

 

3) Let's not forget about the kids. You'll be dealilng with their mother for years and years to come no matter how the marriage turn out.

 

4) Did she intentionally get the job to intervene with your plan? If the answer is "No," step into her shoes for a minute. How does she feel and how is she going to deal with an employer who is not her boss yet to delay her postpone her starting date before she even start her job? I know how she treated you, but two wrong doesn't make it right. Not asking you to postpone or cancel your plan, but merely help or discuss with her about finding a babysitter.

 

I agree with you.

 

No, she did not get the job to intervene. She was arranging for babysitting, so we are OK. She had to ask her friends, and I cannot be that helpful there, because she asks the mothers she feels comfortable with. We have not had babysitters in the "normal" sense.

She is angry at me no matter what, whether I am good or bad. I know I can undo many things, but I also know that doing good sometimes has negative effect.

 

I have not slept on a proper bed since 20th of September, except for the 5 days I was in France. So, I am sleeping on a normal bed now.

Yes, two wrongs do not make it right, but there are also limits on how much one can take.

[Missy27]

I decided to go away from Thursday to Sunday noon. I told about this my wife last week, but last night she wanted me to cancel it and stay home because she found some part-time job for Friday evening and Saturday and somebody has to look after the kids.

I told her that a decision has been made and I am going away. I got the regular: your are the same, you will never change, you do not care about the kids, you leave them alone, you have to find child care, blah, blah. I told her this is how her life is going to be and my decision is not changing.

 

Apparently her tommy is a bit bigger and I asked her if she was pregnant. The answer was 'None of your business.' She is not, but this was a terrible answer to a question that is quite serious to play with.

 

Then she wanted to know again if I am going away with somebody.

And then my cell rang and she had to wrestle me to figure out who was calling. She could not.

 

What am I dealing with??? What do you think?

 

Nothing has worked so far, I have given up practically, and I am trying to move on...

I still like to post in my and other threads.

 

She's losing control and she doesn't like it.

 

You going away for a few days on your own will do you both good. You've been cooped up in the same house together for X many weeks so some space will provide you with a good opportunity to re-charge your batteries and for her to gain some clarity on the situation. I dont think spending a few days completely apart will do you both any harm at all ~ go for it ~ it's not as if the situation could get any worse is it ~

 

With regards to her comments about you leaving the children alone ~ She's just trying to make you feel guilty about going ~ ignore it ~ the children ARE your main priority ~ but what you've been going through will have taken its toll on you emotionally ~ it's better to have a few days off and wind down than to be a cranky daddy because you're just too tired to deal with the children. As for your wife ~ she needs to realise that once you two are divorced ~ she's going to have to deal with the children all day every day for the majority of the time ~ this will shoot a bit of reality into her system ~

 

Go ! Enjoy Yourself ! ~

[stillafool]

It sounds like she still loves you but wants you to kiss her a&&. I didn't read your entire thread but when you do go away for a few days come back happy as heck and in the best mood. It wouldn't hurt to let her think there's someone else interested in you. Maybe then she'll stop all the games.

[redblack66]

She's losing control and she doesn't like it.

 

You going away for a few days on your own will do you both good. You've been cooped up in the same house together for X many weeks so some space will provide you with a good opportunity to re-charge your batteries and for her to gain some clarity on the situation. I dont think spending a few days completely apart will do you both any harm at all ~ go for it ~ it's not as if the situation could get any worse is it ~

 

With regards to her comments about you leaving the children alone ~ She's just trying to make you feel guilty about going ~ ignore it ~ the children ARE your main priority ~ but what you've been going through will have taken its toll on you emotionally ~ it's better to have a few days off and wind down than to be a cranky daddy because you're just too tired to deal with the children. As for your wife ~ she needs to realise that once you two are divorced ~ she's going to have to deal with the children all day every day for the majority of the time ~ this will shoot a bit of reality into her system ~

 

Go ! Enjoy Yourself ! ~

 

Missy, you are so right! I am enjoying myself big time, for the first time since the end of July. I just came from skiing and going in the outside jacuzzi.

 

I called today home to say proper goodbye to my inlaws, who are visiting and leaving tonight. (They were not at home when I left.)

I am sure I surprised the hell out of everybody.

 

I refused to answer any questions from my wife about my whereabouts. She asked where I was, I said 'It does not matter.' Then I turned off my cell and I am untouchable until Sunday noon.

[redblack66]

It sounds like she still loves you but wants you to kiss her a&&. I didn't read your entire thread but when you do go away for a few days come back happy as heck and in the best mood. It wouldn't hurt to let her think there's someone else interested in you. Maybe then she'll stop all the games.

 

I agree 100% with you. I may tell her, when she asks me if somebody was with me: 'I am moving on', or 'I am not a loser', meaning I do not go by myself, or whatever I invent.

If you have some really cool suggestion, let me know. I am pretty inventive, so I will nail her with an answer that will make her think.