separated in the same house; would wife come around

[bestadvisor]

Thank you all for keeping this going. I am really learning a lot and moving better and better...

 

I decided that it is healthier to let my wife go with our kids to her parents from 25th to 6th of January than to stay here and walk on each other, even if I am trying to avoid this.

It was not my first choice, but the atmosphere reached a point that this variant will be the best for everybody.

 

Make sure you keep yourself busy during that time....spend time with your other son, other family members, friends, etc. and try to stay away from your female friend while you can be vulnerable to entering an affair yourself.

[redblack66]

Make sure you keep yourself busy during that time....spend time with your other son, other family members, friends, etc. and try to stay away from your female friend while you can be vulnerable to entering an affair yourself.

 

Absolutely. I will spend time with my other son,

sleep, and try to catch up on work.

[Missy27]

It seems that it's ALL about you and about you being right. This post is Redblack's, stop hijacking it. I got negative responses from the other website because I make some negative comments about 1) cheating spouses and 2) betrayed spouses who won't let go while their cheating spouses cheats again and again and none of that applies to Redblack.

 

Missy, stop satisfying your own ego and I won't waste more time on you anymore.

 

OK worst advisor ~ you've got it ~ I've had enough ~ you've already run some very valuable people off of this site ~ and I KNOW that for a fact cause they've PM'd me about it.

 

You carry on with your advice ~ people will clock you soon enough ~ I've had enough ~ I'm outta here ~

 

Redblack ~ I'm sorry but I cant keep to this thread with what's going on.

I'll PM you with my real email address so you can keep in contact.

 

Good Luck RB ~ you'll be fine ~ !

[dgiirl]

You carry on with your advice ~ people will clock you soon enough ~ I've had enough ~ I'm outta here ~

 

Good. I might not have agreed with everything BestAdvisor has said, but you're just annoying and attacking every single thing she says trying to make this thread personal.

 

This is RB's thread, and he doesnt need to hear about your past dirty history with Best Advisor, and on a different site no less. What makes this site great is the vast majority of opinions one receives. RB's old enough and intelligent enough to pick and choose what advice suits him. If you have nothing valuable to advise RB personally, then please stop hijacking his thread.

[bestadvisor]

Good. I might not have agreed with everything BestAdvisor has said, but you're just annoying and attacking every single thing she says trying to make this thread personal.

 

This is RB's thread, and he doesnt need to hear about your past dirty history with Best Advisor, and on a different site no less. What makes this site great is the vast majority of opinions one receives. RB's old enough and intelligent enough to pick and choose what advice suits him. If you have nothing valuable to advise RB personally, then please stop hijacking his thread.

 

THANK YOU! That's why I didn't respond to her ennoying complaining.

 

Redblack, let's go back to your thread.

[redblack66]

THANK YOU! That's why I didn't respond to her ennoying complaining.

 

Redblack, let's go back to your thread.

 

At the moment things are quite. I have put VERY firm boundaries in place in terms of wife must not show disrespect. I should have done this earlier, but so be it. So she is pleasant, but that's all.

I just put the kids to sleep. She is Christmas shopping.

[bestadvisor]

At the moment things are quite. I have put VERY firm boundaries in place in terms of wife must not show disrespect. I should have done this earlier, but so be it. So she is pleasant, but that's all.

I just put the kids to sleep. She is Christmas shopping.

 

I wonder if she will get you something for Christmas? Are you getting her anything?

[redblack66]

I wonder if she will get you something for Christmas? Are you getting her anything?

 

She asked me if we should exchange gifts. I said I do not feel exchanging with her, but then I told her that perhaps we should do that. She just came with gifts for me.

[redblack66]

I see some of the messages in this thread (and perhaps others) have disappeared, because of technical difficulties.

 

An update follows. I am trying not to have relationship conversations, but seem to be dragged into them without much resistance from my side, and I regret after that. Really, there is not much to be said.

 

My wife tells me again that she wants financial separation and independence, but does not want a divorce. She said again that she is planning to live in celibacy and has no sexual desire whatsoever. I just said OK, but should not give me such a BS, as the facts show just the opposite. I even reminded her that we were in bed on our third date, which was not a nice thing to bring up, but just a reminder not to play this celibacy business. She tells me she was in it for about 5 years before she met me.

 

Her mind is set to live separately and keeping me as an option if she decides to come back to me. I told her that a divorce application will go through, as she has earned her away out of the marriage.

Apparently she thought that I always wanted out. I have had such thoughts, and perhaps it is normal to have them, but I never pursued them.

 

I asked her if she feel morally right that I sleep in the basement when I have been supporting for so long. Not only she feels right, but tells me that the other option is I am out of the house. This is a bit too much, especially when there is an empty room on the main floor, and I am not a danger by any means. I think it is difficult to build a life with a person that thinks this way.

 

We talked about putting the house on the market in February and selling it, splitting the proceeds and moving on. I told her that I really count on her doing her financial statement on time and not to delay the process. In a month, we must completely separate financially.

 

Also very interesting: she has been reading relationship books a lot. I can tell by the comments she makes and the phrases she uses. I am months ahead on this one.

 

On top of everything she tells me that every time the phone rings she hopes it is me.

I do not call at all when I am not at home.

Edited December 24, 2007 by redblack66

[bestadvisor]

 

My wife tells me again that she wants financial separation and independence, but does not want a divorce. She said again that she is planning to live in celibacy and has no sexual desire whatsoever. I just said OK, but should not give me such a BS, as the facts show just the opposite. I even reminded her that we were in bed on our third date, which was not a nice thing to bring up, but just a reminder not to play this celibacy business. She tells me she was in it for about 5 years before she met me.

 

And didn't she get in bed within a week after meeting this OM?

 

Did she expect (not to be confused with "want") you to be celibate as well? If the answer is "no," tell her, you completely support and respect her decision.

[redblack66]

And didn't she get in bed within a week after meeting this OM?

A week after she left me, and I felt tempted reminding her this as well.

Next time she talks about celibacy, I will remind her.

 

Did she expect (not to be confused with "want") you to be celibate as well? If the answer is "no," tell her, you completely support and respect her decision.

 

She does not expect anything from me. We'll have a Christmas dinner tomorrow and I feel cheering with glass of wine for the many years of celibacy ahead. Is this childish?

[PinkRibbon]

Just curious...I have read every post from the beginning but exactly how do you feel at this time about your wife? It is hard for me to pull out the exact feeling from the writing.

[redblack66]

Just curious...I have read every post from the beginning but exactly how do you feel at this time about your wife? It is hard for me to pull out the exact feeling from the writing.

 

VERY good question and very good observations.

 

I feel disgusted, angry, and loving. Strange. I feel she has lost respect for marriage, me, herself, etc. She is very angry about me, the past, perhaps her life and how it turned out to be, and this clouds her decisions, I believe.

 

I told her yesterday that she has to deal with her insecurity and immaturity (she wanted my honest opinion about her issues).

I also suggested that she goes for a depression screening. I hope she took this seriously.

 

I feel she is in a terrible fog and if she does not get out of it, she is going for a rude, rude awakening. I am concerned that she will drag the kids with her through a lot of nonsense in the future.

 

I feel at the moment everything is about her, and she does not get it that our kids need a father in their life.

 

On top of everything she claims she loves me. Does not want to live with me, but has a problem if I am away couple of days. Go figure it out. Tells me I am very smart and really good looking. (Her friends tell her that I am good looking. After being on the "separation" diet, I am in a pretty good shape.)

 

I am also curious: what is your impression about her and what may be going on with her? Things seem quite deep and not that simple.

[redblack66]

At the moment I am playing the audio version of "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus" to my wife:p

Having fun...

[Chrome Barracuda]

God, your wife is a nutjob, I swear! lol.

 

I think she still loves you and wants to be there. What other reason would she be trying to keep you around other than that. She's also dragging this thing out. She wants to have her cake and eat it too.

 

But I get it, your fed up and bout done.

 

If she got off her lazy ass, got into a great martial counciling program and fixed her issues, showed true remorse and a willingness to want to earn your forgiveness.

 

This wouldnt be happening right now.

 

But you keep moving forward no matter what. Actions speak louder than words and her actions dont speak loud enough!!!

 

Focus on your future.

[redblack66]

I just wanted to thank everybody for helping me in this difficult time.

 

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

 

My wife and I will have a 12 day break from each other, as she is going with the kids to her parents. This will be good for everybody.

[Bummed&Hurt]

Merry Christmas to you Redblack. Keep posting I'll do the same.

[PinkRibbon]

I personally think she wants her cake and eat it to. She wants you there but doesn't want you. She doesn't want to face adult responsibility of being on her own. Marriage is not a matter of when it is convenient and not convenient. I don't understand people like that.

[redblack66]

I personally think she wants her cake and eat it to. She wants you there but doesn't want you. She doesn't want to face adult responsibility of being on her own. Marriage is not a matter of when it is convenient and not convenient. I don't understand people like that.

 

Yes... My conclusion is the same. I do not understand either, but that's life. At the end, we have to take care of ourselves.

[Gunny376]

You know? I'm 17 years the other-side of where you're at?

 

And I've had to "chaw" down on some leather to get there! I'm here to tell you! I've had to "bite the bullet" to get there! Bit some knuckles!

 

You CAN'T make someone respect you! BUT you can make DAMN sure they DON'T disresect you!

 

No! I wasn't the prefect husband! No! I wasn't the perfect father! BUT I was the best that I knew to be at the time?!

 

At the time?

 

I gave all ~ all that I had? All that I knew to give! All that I had to give!

 

ALL GAVE SOME!

SOME GAVE ALL THEY HAD!

I GAVE ALL THAT I HAD!

You?

 

You gave the best you had to give at the time! You gave all you had!

 

Quit beating yourself up for giving and doing the best you had at the time!

 

Be in "Peace" and go in peace!

 

You gave, did your best ~ at the time at hand!

 

Go and rub some sunshine on your face!

[redblack66]

You know? I'm 17 years the other-side of where you're at?

 

And I've had to "chaw" down on some leather to get there! I'm here to tell you! I've had to "bite the bullet" to get there! Bit some knuckles!

 

You CAN'T make someone respect you! BUT you can make DAMN sure they DON'T disresect you!

 

No! I wasn't the prefect husband! No! I wasn't the perfect father! BUT I was the best that I knew to be at the time?!

 

At the time?

 

I gave all ~ all that I had? All that I knew to give! All that I had to give!

 

ALL GAVE SOME!

 

SOME GAVE ALL THEY HAD!

 

I GAVE ALL THAT I HAD!

 

You?

 

You gave the best you had to give at the time! You gave all you had!

 

Quit beating yourself up for giving and doing the best you had at the time!

 

Be in "Peace" and go in peace!

 

You gave, did your best ~ at the time at hand!

 

Go and rub some sunshine on your face!

 

Exactly correct: I gave a lot.

 

I have reached a state where I am very comfortable with myself: I do not feel guilty and I am not beating myself up anymore for anything. It took me some time of intensive thinking, observing, and self educating.

 

I am making plans for my single life, and it is going to be fine.

Yesterday I did 12 miles of cross country skiing--not bad after months of falling apart and picking myself up. The next days I am in the gym everyday.

 

On the positive side: I am really thinking and educating myself how to be the best one can be in a relation with a woman. There are nice and reasonable women out there that deserve what many of us here "deliver" to unreasonable partners.

 

On the weird side: I made a few joke with STBX like I will show up naked in your bedroom. So she contacts her lawyer, my lawyer contacts me, etc. Next goal: shut up and do not talk to her. Yesterday I talked to the kids on the phone and refused to talk to her.

[bestadvisor]

On the weird side: I made a few joke with STBX like I will show up naked in your bedroom. So she contacts her lawyer, my lawyer contacts me, etc. Next goal: shut up and do not talk to her. Yesterday I talked to the kids on the phone and refused to talk to her.

 

 

Were you try to seduce her? Why can't she just say "don't do it" and be the end of it? What is she hoping to accomplish by contacting her lawyer? Revealing intimate communication between H and W to third party is so wrong.

[redblack66]

Were you try to seduce her? Why can't she just say "don't do it" and be the end of it? What is she hoping to accomplish by contacting her lawyer? Revealing intimate communication between H and W to third party is so wrong.

 

Simply I was just joking, no desire whatsoever for seduction. I do not know what she is trying to accomplish, and I do not think it matters at all. She also has a lot of time on her hands.

 

We both agree that we do not want to go to court to resolve our issues.

[PinkRibbon]

Sorry but I took it as a joke also. Seemed kinda funny but then again when people are stressed who knows what they think.

 

Sounds like you are doing so much better! Wow 12 miles of skiiing. That is awesome. Just curious how long did it take you to get to this point?

[redblack66]

Sorry but I took it as a joke also. Seemed kinda funny but then again when people are stressed who knows what they think.

 

Sounds like you are doing so much better! Wow 12 miles of skiiing. That is awesome. Just curious how long did it take you to get to this point?

 

Yes, people are very stressed in situations like this. My wife has been having stomach pain for months and cannot eat very much because of upset stomach. I had the same pain in August-September, but it went slowly away.

 

I am trying to be much better. If you are down, believe that good times will come, and they will. Make plans about what you really want to do and have fun. It has been two steps forward, step and a half backwards, but things should be going up.

Now I am with my 16 old son at home and having really good time.

 

Hitting rock bottom is the worst time in ones life, but can be a very positive thing.

 

I did cross country skiing in the university team like 18 years ago. Last time I did it was in 2000. Not bad for nearly 42 years old, especially after nearly half year of incredible stress, smoking and no sleeping, and little exercise.