StillSame Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 redblack, you avoided my question on why your first wife divorced you. You've mentioned that you are a great catch, but there was (maybe still is) some shortcoming about you as a husband. Your unwillingness to answer why your first wife left you at least raise some red flags in terms of your refusal to address some of your negative characteristics. Could it be that the reason your first wife left you is the same reason your current wife asked for space? I am asking hard questions, but you also know that I am asking the right questions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redblack66 Posted January 13, 2008 Author Share Posted January 13, 2008 redblack, you avoided my question on why your first wife divorced you. This forum is for people to express freely what they think, feel, etc., and usually people in a lot of pain. It is not for people to try push others to say what they may not want to say, or simply find it irrelevant. Link to post Share on other sites
StillSame Posted January 13, 2008 Share Posted January 13, 2008 (edited) This forum is for people to express freely what they think, feel, etc., and usually people in a lot of pain. It is not for people to try push others to say what they may not want to say, or simply find it irrelevant. Fair enough. Could you at least do yourself a favor and ask yourself: Could it be that the reason your first wife left you is the same reason your current wife asked for space? If the answer is yes, can you work on those issues that pushed them away? If you have already, can you maintain it and prevent the samething happening to your future wife? Recognizing fault is not necessary accepting blame; it's about self impoving. Edited January 13, 2008 by StillSame Link to post Share on other sites
LostHusband Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 Its not necessarily the husbands fault when the wife leaves - or vice versa. A person should never blame themselves and try to find fault in themselves when the other one leaves. Link to post Share on other sites
Missy27 Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 You know RB ~ the more and more I read of your thread ~ the more I think that you really will be better off without this woman in your life ~ certainly for the immediate future anyway ~ until she sorts her head out and realises what it means to be an adult and be married ~ you are better off on your own. You can be the most educated person in the world (man or woman) ~ with the highest IQ around and the powerful job ~ but it doesn't make you good at being married ~ your wife may be an intelligent woman ~ but it sounds like she has no idea about what it means to actually be married ~ she hasn't reached any level of emotional maturity so she's a fantasist ~ or has what Mel calls White Knight Syndrome (WKS) ~ She's waiting for this burly Australian bush man to sweep her off her feet and inject a bit of rough and ready into her life ~ but she's going to fall on her azz soon ~ cause its not real ~ you know ~ I know ~ he's going to kick her to the curb as soon as he's had what he wants from her ~ IF ~ IF ~ she even gets that far with him ~ she's setting herself up for one hell of a fall ~ and to a point ~ I think you should let her get on with it ~ like I've said before ~ sometimes ~ it takes someone losing something to realise exactly what it means to them ~ let her lose you ~ As for your everyday interactions with her ~ I think you're doing really well ~ ILMW's right ~ keeping contact to an absolute minimum is about the best thing you can do ~ she's already thinking about division of assets so be on your guard and dont let her get anything on you which might jepordise you if things get a bit messy ~ Also ~ make sure those babies are ok ~ they digest ALOT more information than what we might give them credit for ~ especially the 6 year old ~ this already seems to have effected him quite intensly ~ Link to post Share on other sites
Melovator Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 she hasn't reached any level of emotional maturity so she's a fantasist ~ or has what Mel calls White Knight Syndrome (WKS) ~ She's waiting for this burly Australian bush man to sweep her off her feet and inject a bit of rough and ready into her life ~ :lmao: I'm not going to write what came into my mind! And to set your mind even more at ease about any worst case scenarios- here's some quick info off the top of my head (I am NOT a lawyer!!! Do not rely on this info!!! This is my understanding of how things work)- if your W decided to up and bring her ass and the kids down here she would have immense practical problems- 1) getting a residency visa would be a pain in the ass, she'd probably have to marry him to get one and even that's no guarantee- we have a new government now but the last one sent a breastfeeding mother back to Russia! Basically the attitude seems to be that Australia is the greatest country on earth and so of course every bastard with a brain wants to live here and will lie get in, immigration presume everyone lies basically. 2) OM would have to agree to be solely responsible for her support for two years- that's a big freaking ask and the government likes its debt to be paid should he be unable to do that! If he's a farmer he CANNOT support her, to get by he's probably relying on Drought Relief subsidies of all kinds- he can't afford to scratch his own ass right now! The Country Women's Association are probably baking his bread! To be honest your W is probably (unfortunately) his fantasy relief from the completely dry and dying vista that is his reality. Not that you'd need concern yourself with such things but the male suicide rate is very high in the bush and farmers in particular are very highly stressed/ depressed. 3) If she did it and bought the kids my understanding (and again I'm not a lawyer!) is that our Fam Crt is very disapproving of such things and WILL order her and the kids on plane home and of she can't afford the flight then she ends up with a debt to the Aussie government which she MUST repay before being allowed to re-enter the country and then any subsequent visa application would be looked on VERY dubiously. 4) If she came by herself for a holiday say, she'd have to leave the country again before she could apply for residency, and if she overstayed her visa they would lock her up in a detention centre (charge her for her accommodation there and then charge her for her flight home too and again her chances of getting another VISA would be jack and well... sh*t) So all in all "Tell 'em they're dreaming!" (Quote from Aussie movie "The Castle") Take care Link to post Share on other sites
Author redblack66 Posted January 15, 2008 Author Share Posted January 15, 2008 :lmao: I'm not going to write what came into my mind! And to set your mind even more at ease about any worst case scenarios- here's some quick info off the top of my head (I am NOT a lawyer!!! Do not rely on this info!!! This is my understanding of how things work)- if your W decided to up and bring her ass and the kids down here she would have immense practical problems- 1) getting a residency visa would be a pain in the ass, she'd probably have to marry him to get one and even that's no guarantee- we have a new government now but the last one sent a breastfeeding mother back to Russia! Basically the attitude seems to be that Australia is the greatest country on earth and so of course every bastard with a brain wants to live here and will lie get in, immigration presume everyone lies basically. 2) OM would have to agree to be solely responsible for her support for two years- that's a big freaking ask and the government likes its debt to be paid should he be unable to do that! If he's a farmer he CANNOT support her, to get by he's probably relying on Drought Relief subsidies of all kinds- he can't afford to scratch his own ass right now! The Country Women's Association are probably baking his bread! To be honest your W is probably (unfortunately) his fantasy relief from the completely dry and dying vista that is his reality. Not that you'd need concern yourself with such things but the male suicide rate is very high in the bush and farmers in particular are very highly stressed/ depressed. 3) If she did it and bought the kids my understanding (and again I'm not a lawyer!) is that our Fam Crt is very disapproving of such things and WILL order her and the kids on plane home and of she can't afford the flight then she ends up with a debt to the Aussie government which she MUST repay before being allowed to re-enter the country and then any subsequent visa application would be looked on VERY dubiously. 4) If she came by herself for a holiday say, she'd have to leave the country again before she could apply for residency, and if she overstayed her visa they would lock her up in a detention centre (charge her for her accommodation there and then charge her for her flight home too and again her chances of getting another VISA would be jack and well... sh*t) So all in all "Tell 'em they're dreaming!" (Quote from Aussie movie "The Castle") Take care This is very interesting information on its own, let alone in this thread. I see the Australian government is protecting you well. My wife's parents have a big farm. He may be thinking that she will inherit 1/4 of it, and bingo. Not so easy, as the two brothers will not be pleased by that. They are probably suspecting this already. In addition, the winter is long and cold, and can be easily -30C (-22F) for days in a row. Farming in Canada is not easy either, and many small farms disappear. On top of everything, my wife has terrible allergies, and they were the reason she left the farm in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redblack66 Posted January 15, 2008 Author Share Posted January 15, 2008 Learned wife wants the OM badly to come and live in Canada with her. I am little upset, but that's all. Can't believe somebody can throw away 12 years together, family, and get into this mode after knowing a person for about 2 months. This is immature craziness. I am doing OK. I have difficulties concentrating at work, and this is my major problem. I went to the gym today and lifted weights for about an hour. Keep doing this. Link to post Share on other sites
StillSame Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Redblack, it seems like you have been spying on her emails. I wouldn't blame you for doing that. Is there any way you can communicate this news to her parents without her finding out so they can wake her up, make some sense out of her or at least put some weight or difficulty on this choice she's making? Is this guy willing to come to Canada? If so, how long can he stay legally? Link to post Share on other sites
Author redblack66 Posted January 15, 2008 Author Share Posted January 15, 2008 Is there any way you can communicate this news to her parents without her finding out so they can wake her up, make some sense out of her or at least put some weight or difficulty on this choice she's making? I have been thinking about talking to her father again because I am concerned that she will drag the children with her in her downfall, but I am not sure yet if this is a good idea. He cannot do much. She will not wake up, and the damage is so much, that I am not willing to wait for her to start repairing, and she will not. Is this guy willing to come to Canada? If so, how long can he stay legally?I don't know. It is not difficult to stay longer in Canada. Link to post Share on other sites
Kenyth Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I just want to say that I missed the fact that you live in Canada previously. My advice is based on my experiences in the US. Sorry for the mix-up. Link to post Share on other sites
StillSame Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 Learned wife wants the OM badly to come and live in Canada with her. I am little upset, but that's all. I am doing OK. I have difficulties concentrating at work, and this is my major problem. It's clear that you still love her. I have two questions for you: 1) When does he plan to move/visit Cananda? 2) If your wife change her mind now about seperation would you take her back? If the answer is "yes," when is the deadline (6 months, 1 year, two years) that you would take her back if she changed her mind and admit that she messed up? (I guess this all depends on answer to question 1, doesn't it?) Link to post Share on other sites
Author redblack66 Posted January 16, 2008 Author Share Posted January 16, 2008 It's clear that you still love her. I have two questions for you: 1) When does he plan to move/visit Cananda? He says perhaps not this summer but for sure within two years. 2) If your wife change her mind now about seperation would you take her back? If the answer is "yes," when is the deadline (6 months, 1 year, two years) that you would take her back if she changed her mind and admit that she messed up? (I guess this all depends on answer to question 1, doesn't it?) I can't really predict the future, but I certainly do not want to go through the current pain again. In my state of mind now, the door is closed. Link to post Share on other sites
StillSame Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 (edited) He says perhaps not this summer but for sure within two years. Wouldn't it be funny if he says the samething next year? Can she honestly believe that he will be faithful to her within those two years and that there is no way he will be seriously involved with someone or even get married? Edited January 16, 2008 by StillSame Link to post Share on other sites
Author redblack66 Posted January 17, 2008 Author Share Posted January 17, 2008 Wouldn't it be funny if he says the samething next year? Can she honestly believe that he will be faithful to her within those two years and that there is no way he will be seriously involved with someone or even get married? Actually, I don't really care. What I feel for sure is that she is going for a big fall, and I will not be there to help her. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 She's doing cheap drugs with this fantasy! Link to post Share on other sites
Melovator Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 She's doing cheap drugs with this fantasy! Oh I can pretty much guarantee that she's got the 'cheapass' cowboy and not a real country gent. Real Aussie Country men don't cut another man's lunch, they might be yahoos in other ways depending on your POV (like all Aussie blokes really...) but they're honest and true and noble, or perhaps I just have some damn fool idealistic ideas from reading too much bush poetry as a youngster! This guys a pig. I can almost picture him in my head... :sick: Link to post Share on other sites
Author redblack66 Posted January 17, 2008 Author Share Posted January 17, 2008 Oh I can pretty much guarantee that she's got the 'cheapass' cowboy and not a real country gent. Real Aussie Country men don't cut another man's lunch, they might be yahoos in other ways depending on your POV (like all Aussie blokes really...) but they're honest and true and noble, or perhaps I just have some damn fool idealistic ideas from reading too much bush poetry as a youngster! This guys a pig. I can almost picture him in my head... :sick: This is a great posting. I am thinking to read this to her, just for the fun of it; surely I won't say where it comes from. Or perhaps I should not just bother anymore. All of you have been incredible help. I was much worse off if I did not come here. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 This is a great posting. I am thinking to read this to her, just for the fun of it; surely I won't say where it comes from. Or perhaps I should not just bother anymore. All of you have been incredible help. I was much worse off if I did not come here. Thanks again. LOL. You can honestly look back on yourself and see how far you have come, You sound stronger than since you first started. Welcome to your new life! Link to post Share on other sites
Author redblack66 Posted January 18, 2008 Author Share Posted January 18, 2008 LOL. You can honestly look back on yourself and see how far you have come, You sound stronger than since you first started. Welcome to your new life! Thank you. Appreciate your appreciation. I walked a long way with a very steep learning curve and very fast. I have my down days, and my life is in a mess. However, I am light years ahead in my understanding of relations and marriages. When I get into something, I get to the bottom of it and don't go half way. I put, I think, all the pieces of the puzzle what happened in the last months. My wife has not moved an inch. I read to her what Mel just posted, but she just said that she is not bothered by such things. Let her be. I can't figure out how in the world she is hurt by me going out and meeting people, but it does not matter anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Computers Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 OM drinks alot. Forget about your W for now, are you concern about your little girl? Statistics on this between step dad (or mother's boyfriend) and little girl living with such man, especially when he is a drunk, is not good. Be sure you warn and ask your W to keep her eyes on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 (edited) It doesnt meam a thing! Its ALL gravey! I'm A LIVE! Edited January 18, 2008 by Gunny376 Link to post Share on other sites
Author redblack66 Posted January 18, 2008 Author Share Posted January 18, 2008 It doesnt meam a thing! Its ALL gravey! I'm A LIVE! Yes, I must be getting alive. As hard as it is, live goes on, and I am in control of what I can control. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redblack66 Posted January 22, 2008 Author Share Posted January 22, 2008 It seems that the OM has dumped my STBXW. I checked my legal fees today, and I am so angry because of her getting into this s---, that indeed I do not feel talking to her. She is upbeat and pleasant around me, but I just don't talk. It will take me years to recover financially. After 15 years of hard work in Canada, I will be financially again nearly at point zero, if not in a negative state. I just sent an e-mail to my lawyer and among other things I said I want out as soon as we can make it. Link to post Share on other sites
Computers Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 It seems that the OM has dumped my STBXW. What makes you think he dumped her? Do you have solid proof that's the case? I checked my legal fees today, and I am so angry because of her getting into this s---, that indeed I do not feel talking to her. She is upbeat and pleasant around me, but I just don't talk. It will take me years to recover financially. After 15 years of hard work in Canada, I will be financially again nearly at point zero, if not in a negative state. Her affair caused you that much financial trouble? I just sent an e-mail to my lawyer and among other things I said I want out as soon as we can make it. What does it take for you to reconcile with her, now that things are "possibly" ended with OM? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts