Author redblack66 Posted December 28, 2007 Author Share Posted December 28, 2007 3 days with no contact. I will manage until 6th of January, when they come back. I feel good about it. She dials me for the kids, and I am so glad that she does not try to talk to me. Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 Hello Red, I have been following your thread for a while now and finally am chimming in ! I also live somewhat the same way EXCEPT my H is more cruel than your W, imagine that.....he tells me he is in love with me and acts like he wants the M, BUT then never wants to make love, touch, kiss or even come home at a decent hour. I Finally after a year of that BS told him I wanted a break and was moving to our lake house.....he did not like it, but it was SO GREAT for me to finally stand up to him after all this time. Like your W he holds the past in his hand and throws it at me whenever he feels like it or has done something I do not approve of....guess what I do not give a flying f--- what he thinks now. I am moving on without him ( he still not believe I am doing it) and I look forward to being with myself for a bit. He can live his miserable depressing life alone, but he will NO longer bring me down with him. I am an attractive, smart SEXY woman that is no LONGER his and that will kill him in the end. I tried to be nice and make it a civil break ( what he has worked hard for, but does not want whatever ) but it is not looking that way, oh well. What goes around comes around and his cake is gone.....he can eat **** now for all I care ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author redblack66 Posted December 28, 2007 Author Share Posted December 28, 2007 Hello Red, I have been following your thread for a while now and finally am chimming in ! I also live somewhat the same way EXCEPT my H is more cruel than your W, imagine that.....he tells me he is in love with me and acts like he wants the M, BUT then never wants to make love, touch, kiss or even come home at a decent hour. Very glad you posted. It is very helpful in my opinion to hear views from the opposite sex. What you write is very strange behavior. I understand "I love you but not in love" and not wanting to have anything physical. However, being in love and avoiding physical contact is way of controlling, if I understand this world correctly. I Finally after a year of that BS told him I wanted a break and was moving to our lake house.....he did not like it, but it was SO GREAT for me to finally stand up to him after all this time. It is very important to STAND UP. Then they seem to take notice. Like your W he holds the past in his hand and throws it at me whenever he feels like it or has done something I do not approve of .... Several times I walked way when the past was a subject of discussion, but many more times I was dragged into discussing it. Such talks give them a lot of false power, as far as I can see. Just eliminate it by refusing to talk about it. guess what I do not give a flying f--- what he thinks now. Great! I am feeling the same. I am moving on without him ( he still not believe I am doing it) and I look forward to being with myself for a bit. He can live his miserable depressing life alone, but he will NO longer bring me down with him. Glad you had the strength to do that. I am an attractive, smart SEXY woman that is no LONGER his and that will kill him in the end. I am sure it will. One reason is that the H loses control over you. My wife becomes unreasonable when she does not have the reigns. I tried to be nice and make it a civil break ( what he has worked hard for, but does not want whatever ) but it is not looking that way, oh well. What goes around comes around and his cake is gone.....he can eat **** now for all I care !Part of life. I gave so much. As Gunny would say: we did the best what we knew how to do. I would say I know better now and I will do better. I did not know better perhaps... I managed from coming with two suitcases, no money, no English to become pretty well known in the world in my type of work in about 6-7 years. Wife never understood what this meant, and did not understand that her good, very secure lifestyle required some hard work. I also packed all my clothes, including the wedding suit, that have any relation to my 11 years relation and I am donating them today. C'est la vie. Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 Very good RED ! You see it does get easier. You are so different now from what I read in October. At some point you stop feeling like a vivtim and start feeling like a person again. When I finally gained the control back in my life, I was so much better. When people gain contorl over you like your W and my H, it is like a vendictive sick high for them. They felt like a victim for so long, they just do not know better. Unfortunately after it is all said and done and they have beaten us to rock bottom and we are swimming and living in pure hell, we find our TRUE selves and stop the cycle....then it is really too late. Spouses like ours that had a chance to try and make a new better marriage and did not for whatever reason end up regretting what they get in the end, nothing and alone. I will be able to sleep at night knowing I tried, he will have nightmares, I am sure of it ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author redblack66 Posted December 28, 2007 Author Share Posted December 28, 2007 Very good RED ! You see it does get easier. You are so different now from what I read in October. At some point you stop feeling like a vivtim and start feeling like a person again. When I finally gained the control back in my life, I was so much better. Exactly correct. I hit rock bottom so many times. You know what: I have no regrets for going through this nonsense. When people gain contorl over you like your W and my H, it is like a vendictive sick high for them. They felt like a victim for so long, they just do not know better. Unfortunately after it is all said and done and they have beaten us to rock bottom and we are swimming and living in pure hell, we find our TRUE selves and stop the cycle....then it is really too late. Reading your post, is like listening to myself. Yes, they have this sense of power that they use in the most unproductive way. This desire for power is a result of insecurity and immaturity. This is what I believe. Spouses like ours that had a chance to try and make a new better marriage and did not for whatever reason end up regretting what they get in the end, nothing and alone. In my case she chose the easy way out: instead of working on things, escaping. If there were not kids, I would not worry that much. I will be able to sleep at night knowing I tried, he will have nightmares, I am sure of it !This is the MAJOR POINT: to feel you did everything you could do and not feel guilty until the end of your life. My wife left in August. It was much less painful if I said: it is over, move on. However, I would have felt guilty until the end of my days. I took things in my hands, had to discover her affair, had to go through counseling, had to tell her that I was willing to forgive her, that I wanted to make things work, and who knows what else. At the end of the day, I believe I am not the person that broke the family. I can live with that. I could not live with wife leaving, keeping me in the dark: may come back or may not, etc. and me feeling guilty for all the things I did wrong. If I did not go through this, I was not going to discover the OM. Bottom line is about $20,000 in lawyer's fees (my bill), she spent even more, a lot of pain, but I will be comfortable with myself until the end. No regrets whatsoever, except that physically I went down, but tonight I am going to the gym, and tomorrow I am taking a boxing lesson. Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 OMG, thar is so awesome that you are doing all this....feels good huh I like walking, not runnibg, but I thank god everyday that I am skinny because I really do not like the work out thing. I am not that big, so I just count my blessing and eat more junk You said something that made me think....I have always said I hate him for what he put me through and is trying to still do to me now...BUT if he had not I would have never tried to find ME. I have been tied down since I was 18, now at 41, I look and feel better than I have in my life. I have already had several offers to go out and turned them down (with a rain check of course) because I am not ready. My child is grown (19 and attends UGA) and he was the most important person in my life and still is.....I have rasied a wonderful son and that is my gift in life that keeps me real. So, you see some really BAD things are a bleesing in disguise I own both houses and all the cars, I will give him something, but I have earned what I have and like you lost a lot in my first marriage.....so forget about the money, you can make more.....I am in ATL, if you are ever around let me know....would love to meet some of my LS buddies, the survivors Link to post Share on other sites
Author redblack66 Posted December 28, 2007 Author Share Posted December 28, 2007 You said something that made me think....I have always said I hate him for what he put me through and is trying to still do to me now...BUT if he had not I would have never tried to find ME. I have been tied down since I was 18, now at 41, I look and feel better than I have in my life. The following should make you think too I have always believed in "You do not know what you lose when you win, and you do not know what you win when you lose." Think about it. I thought I met the perfect person, and indeed this was the case. It was a big win. Now, it is a big loss. I told her what happened has led to the worst and best times in my life. She jumped like I have met Miss America, and it is the best time in my life. The best part is that I needed this awakening. I was going nowhere in my life. I have already had several offers to go out and turned them down (with a rain check of course) because I am not ready. My child is grown (19 and attends UGA) and he was the most important person in my life and still is.....I have rasied a wonderful son and that is my gift in life that keeps me real. I do not see what more you can ask for. Just enjoy life. So, you see some really BAD things are a bleesing in disguise Absolutely. I am not religious by any means, but I also believe that there is something that guides us. I do not know what it is. I also believe that one cannot escape his/her faith. I own both houses and all the cars, I will give him something, but I have earned what I have and like you lost a lot in my first marriage.....so forget about the money, you can make more..... Forget about it. Recently I was in a very rich area with very expensive houses and yachts and I was thinking: if one is terribly ill or loses loved ones, nothing matters, nothing is relevant. I am in ATL, if you are ever around let me know....would love to meet some of my LS buddies, the survivors Sure. This will be interesting. I have not been there since 1999, but since then I declined a few opportunities to visit Georgia Tech. Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 You are so right.....I kept thinking when he first told me he wanted out that I was going to die. My already 128 thin frame dropped to 110 in 2 months. Little did I know he was doing me a favor by starting the beginning to the end of us. We have never been suited for each other and we kind of both knew it, crazy huh? We were Ken and Barbie, looked good on the outside, but it was all fake. So, now I can be me again and he can be whatever. Everyone that sees me now tells me you are more like you again and that is GREAT to see we really worried about you ! What is funny in our case is that our S had A and then they want out, like we did something wrong. Of course mine still claims his innocence, but he has not been the same since the OW. So, you see we win this time and lose at the same time. We are going to be JUST fine ! P.S. I am back up to 121, so that is a good thing ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author redblack66 Posted December 30, 2007 Author Share Posted December 30, 2007 Nothing substantially new in my life. This update is mostly for people going through similar nonsense. This is the third time I am through it (first wife, immediately wrong woman after her, and now second wife) so I have developed some survival tactics. At the very beginning, when I told a MC counselor that wife left his response was: that's GOOOOOD; now you have a chance to have fun. Start dating and have fun. Go to a yoga class: there are mostly women there. By "normal" standards this was a SOB MC, but he was right. He was betting his 50 f***ing years of counseling (his words) that if I start dating I will not be able to get rid of my wife (don't know about that but makes some sense). I am getting to the fun stage, but after a lot of unnecessary, unavoidable, self inflicted pain. So guys (and girls) if you read this and you are damped, GO and have FUN. Why? Because what you are doing is likely not going to work anyhow. So why do it. A partner is much more likely to come back to a fun, full of energy, confident person than to one that is trying to fix things. Some other cheap advice: change all your clothes. Do not worry about finances, try to survive. All my clothes that have anything to do with previous life are donated to a diabetes foundation. Go to a fragrance store and get some nice smells. I got rid of all my music and I am building a completely different music collection. Last night I bought some vitamins and protein shakes and I am going right now to work on my muscles. I used to be in a very good shape, and time to get it back. My 16 year old is pumping pretty well, so we are an inspiration for each other. I have some knowledge about body building so I am teaching him. I have done this off and on since I was 17, but the last 6-7 years I let myself go downhill physically. Go out with friends and have nice dinners and discussions about the world, philosophy, life. Check the concerts in your area and go. You will start feeling younger again. Smile a lot and everywhere. Don't say that I am doing so well; I am sure I will hit bottom again, but its frequency will be smaller and smaller. Last night I called to speak to the kids. My son asked me if I wanted to talk to mommy, but I wanted to talk to sissy. Mommy said hi, I said hi, but I said immediately good night and continued doing my work at home. Feels good. I wish I took this approach a long time ago. Link to post Share on other sites
jlr136 Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 Here I am on my 10 year anniversary alone. Me and my wife have been seperated for about 2 1/2 months now. She told me that she didn't love me anymore at least not like that. She said that she was confused and that she had been questioning her love for me for a while but didn't know how to tell me. A week later she told me that she had gotten in contact with a ex and feelings that she didn't know where still there came back. Eventually he told her not to call he needs time to think because of his own family issues. We have been going out with friends since every weekend. We have slept together twice since this happened. She has told me that she needs space and I have done my best to give it her. It kills me though. I changed my ways to be with her. I have never cheated on her. The only women I have ever been faithful to. We have a child together 5 year girl. She hasn't told me she wants a but she is looking for a place to live. I can't kick her out because of my daughter and because I don't want to. She has told me to go out and meet new people which I have but she has also made jokes about been with other women. I have tried to see other women but all I do is think of her. Can anyone give me some advice. I know this probably sounds like alot of rambling but I have downed a couple a beers. I figured it my 10 year anniversary and I should celebrate even if its by myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 CJ and RB? What your doing is "falling back" into your life! Which is a good thing! Your starting to find out that that there's life after all this BS! That there is life after all the "double-speak" and mind-trips! Good for you! Outstanding! And both of you are finding that you don't need someone else to complete you. Your acquiring and achieveing "self-actualization" and "self-realization" That you can actually live and breath without having someone else in your life! A lot of this comes from the day we're born? We just think we've got to have somome else in our lives or we're going to die and cease to exsist! Not true! Most of us "human beings" end up re-bounding from one relationship to another ~ because the concept of living and being single and alone is un-imagenable. I come from a long line of dirt-poor people. People that did back breaking work just to earn a day's wage. I earn three ~ four times what my Father did, six, seven, eight times what my Grandfathers did? But, I still have the lessons they taught me as a child. You can play now, and pay for the rest of your life? Or you can Pay now and play for the rest of your life! And, that's what I'm doing! My co-workers look at me sometimes and wonder why I'm dating the current woman I'm with? The answer? Because I'm more interested in what she's got between her ears than between her legs! And mostly because they know and understand ~ the chances of my being in the Sunday paper with them talking about getting married are next to slim and none. We're more than friends than anything else. I'm up-front and honest with them and they know that if they go to getting serious on me ~ I'll go NC on them in a heartbeat! A good book for both of you? "The Art of Living Single" forgot the author's name ~ but a good quick read. But, then again ~ both of you are already doing most of what the book recommends. Get your "happy-azz" busy living your life! Quit sitting around waiting for "it" to happpen ~ make "it" happen. I've been divorced for seventeen years? And by and large for the most part? I'm a pretty happy and content individual. I like myself, I'm comfortable in my "own skin" and with the exception of this and that? I like my life the way it is. And NO! Be in a relationship just to be in one? Uhuh! I rather be happy alone than married and miserable! One thing for sure and certain? You can't go wrong by yourself! The ex-hex is on her fourth marriage! He's eight or nine years younger than her. She's 52. You better believe they're not making it like bunnies as they were seventeen years ago! LOL! Me? Married Once! I paid up-front! Its play-time now! Link to post Share on other sites
StillSame Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Redblack, you haven't upated since last year...how about an update? Are you involved with someone? Link to post Share on other sites
Author redblack66 Posted January 9, 2008 Author Share Posted January 9, 2008 (edited) Redblack, you haven't upated since last year...how about an update? Are you involved with someone? I was debating if I should update, as I see there are more urgent cases on LS. Overall, it is not that interesting. My wife and kids were at her parents from 25th December to 6th January. During that time, I spoke to the kids every second day. When she got on the phone I was quick to say either 'bye' or 'good night'. So, nearly no contact. Since I picked them up on the 6th from the airport, I do not ask my wife any questions and do not make any comments on anything. Yesterday morning she asked me if I am free when we have the meeting with the lawyers. I told her I am canceling all my commitments and we are not changing the date. Today she asked me if I missed them. I told her I missed the kids, and did not say much. Also, she is gently asking me and trying to figure out if I was alone during this time, if I went skiing, if I stayed overnight somewhere, etc. No, I am not involved with anybody. I have to clean this mess first. Edited January 9, 2008 by redblack66 Link to post Share on other sites
StillSame Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Also, she is gently asking me and trying to figure out if I was alone during this time, if I went skiing, if I stayed overnight somewhere, etc. It seems that at this point, you're more sure than she is with the moving forward and moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redblack66 Posted January 9, 2008 Author Share Posted January 9, 2008 It seems that at this point, you're more sure than she is with the moving forward and moving on. Yep. I have a feeling that she may flip and decides to check in or drag this thing. I will update as my communications with her go. It will be a good study in human behavior and psychology. I am sure she is wondering "Why he is not working on this marriage anymore", "Why he is not interested in me anymore", etc. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 Hi, Just caught up on your thread... way ta go! Going grey.. as they say.. (not dark or no contact) is the best way to get through this. You can't go NC .. as you have kids. Kinda prelongs the "getting over it".. but it is second best. You sound like you are dealing with it/her is the best way possible... polite, to the point ... and to a minimum... Great work with the kiddies too... lots of contact with them... when they can't be with you... showing, that though you can't be with them... you still think of them... Hurts like hell, I know... but it is good for them. Anyhoo.. gotta run... Keep on doing what you are doing! ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Author redblack66 Posted January 9, 2008 Author Share Posted January 9, 2008 Hi, Just caught up on your thread... way ta go! Going grey.. as they say.. (not dark or no contact) is the best way to get through this. You can't go NC .. as you have kids. Kinda prelongs the "getting over it".. but it is second best. You sound like you are dealing with it/her is the best way possible... polite, to the point ... and to a minimum... Great work with the kiddies too... lots of contact with them... when they can't be with you... showing, that though you can't be with them... you still think of them... Hurts like hell, I know... but it is good for them. Anyhoo.. gotta run... Keep on doing what you are doing! ilmw Thanks for the encouragement. Yes, I am going gray for my own sake. I feel she is trying to figure me out where I stand with respect to her. I am just not saying anything. She asked me the other day if I will let her go with the kids in the summer for a month to her parents. She asked like nothing has happened and nothing will happen in the future. Saying that after her struggling to get away and live there, and planning to do this very soon, is confusing big time. I just said "it is up to you to go." Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 You're doing great RB, however I'm a little concerned about this business of her taking the kids back home ~ thousands of miles next summer without something in writing and binding in so far as parenting agreement. As they say in the Corps ~ "In God I trust!" ~ All others must sign the dotted line! Link to post Share on other sites
Kenyth Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 You're doing great RB, however I'm a little concerned about this business of her taking the kids back home ~ thousands of miles next summer without something in writing and binding in so far as parenting agreement. As they say in the Corps ~ "In God I trust!" ~ All others must sign the dotted line! Regardless, if you let her go out of state, she can move the jurisdiction to her new home state. Requiring you to travel to her residence every time she want's to take you to court, for every court date. You must also pursue all complaints in her home town. A fact that is not uncommonly used to the advantage of the custodial parent. Granted, most states will eventually allow the custodial parent to move. The requirements to prove necessity are generally very easy to meet, such as getting a new job that is better than your current one in the new location. The good thing is, as long as YOU REMAIN IN YOUR CURRENT JURISDICTION you have a very good chance to get custody of your kids if she want's to move. Once you let her go, all bets are off and you are at her mercy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redblack66 Posted January 11, 2008 Author Share Posted January 11, 2008 (edited) My title is soap opera, as I had tonight a short conversation with her, which is irrational, as far as I can tell. Enjoy. She tells me that still wants to go with the kids and live with her parents (2,000 miles away). Then tells me her initial proposal for access (3 times by one week plus one month in the summer) will be too much travel for the kids. I told her we wasted 3 hours with lawyers, her lawyer charged her for 6 hours, for something that she could have told me in the first place in 5 minutes, which is the access proposal. I asked her why she destroyed this family. She answered I did not go with them for Christmas to her parents (I did not go 2 or 3 times). Then she asked me what I had in my pockets. She thinks that I am caring recording devices. Then she tells me that during the holidays I have bugged the whole house with one of my friends and I have put a hidden camera in her bedroom. I told her in a whispering voice that I have done intelligence work in the past so she should not be BSing with me. I had enough of nonsense, so I said this seriously. Now she believes seriously that I am kind of a retired spy. Several times she told me I had a hidden camera in her bedroom, and finally I told her that I am masturbating downstairs watching her on the camera. What else to say to such a nonsense. I must lock my lips. She wants to change the meeting with the lawyer because our daughter has a 2 hour program and she will miss it. I am firm we are not changing this. Changing means postponing, as these lawyers are overbooked. Then we talked a bit about division of property, and she says that I will end up with the same assets as I came to Canada, which is nothing. After this comment I said I am not talking to her anymore and walked away. Since this response, she is pursuing me like the sweetest thing in the world. Actually, my lawyer talked about unequal division of property in my favor if I agree that they move. The problem is that if they are here, she will not work and will not be able to survive on child and spousal support, and I will not be able to make it paying so much support. If they go, she gives up spousal support. F---ed up situation. Friends, what do you make out of this. I told one of my closest friend the whole story in a bit more detail, and he just told me to get the h--l out of this marriage. My older son, 16 years old, tells me that these are signs of craziness. Edited January 11, 2008 by redblack66 Link to post Share on other sites
Melovator Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 Ahh yeah- definate mental health issues- if I was you I WOULD start carrying a recording device around because she's talking crazy! Do you want your kids 2000 miles away? What is it worth to you to have them close? Only you can decide what your willing to pay- money or time without your kids. if I was you I would be concerned about having the children far away with a mother who has mental health problems because there would be no real way to keep an eye on how her behaviour is impacting upon the children. Just my 2 cents! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 Ahh yeah- definate mental health issues- if I was you I WOULD start carrying a recording device around because she's talking crazy! Do you want your kids 2000 miles away? What is it worth to you to have them close? Only you can decide what your willing to pay- money or time without your kids. if I was you I would be concerned about having the children far away with a mother who has mental health problems because there would be no real way to keep an eye on how her behaviour is impacting upon the children. Just my 2 cents! Come On~ Mel! You know! I know! We'd spit beer, sand and salt in each other's eye! Just for laughs! (Dig at Mel) Link to post Share on other sites
Kenyth Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 Paranoia and anxiety for sure, though whether it's actual mental illness, is a whole different matter. One thing for sure is that she's a mess. She want's to continue her lifestyle without you in it, which isn't possible, and it's also the reason she want's to move back in with Mommy and Daddy. She wanted you originally to be her caretaker, which is why she wanted the seperation in the same house. None of this is panning out to plan and she's starting to stress out as reality kicks in. Man, you need to quit this BS, take it to court, and try and get your kids. Once she moves out of state with them, you'll have a nightmare for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redblack66 Posted January 11, 2008 Author Share Posted January 11, 2008 Paranoia and anxiety for sure, though whether it's actual mental illness, is a whole different matter. One thing for sure is that she's a mess. She want's to continue her lifestyle without you in it, which isn't possible, and it's also the reason she want's to move back in with Mommy and Daddy. Yes, agree. She is obsessed with horses, open spaces, and relatives. Nothing bad about it, but wake up, you have two kids and a father that is a professional and who cannot make a living there. She knew this damn well when she married. She wanted you originally to be her caretaker, which is why she wanted the seperation in the same house. None of this is panning out to plan and she's starting to stress out as reality kicks in. Yes, I think she has her internal struggle. Man, you need to quit this BS, take it to court, and try and get your kids. Once she moves out of state with them, you'll have a nightmare for sure.If I had unlimited supply of money, I would fight for custody. However, I am close to a point where I may go in a big whole and have nightmares for many years digging myself out. Another funny. She just asked me who I am meeting tonight. With my strange of humour, I said 'my f--- buddy', and then I said I was joking. She said, 'no, you are not joking', after which she is a sweetheart. Reverse psychology works on her, but this is more and more lack of confidence from her side. Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted January 11, 2008 Share Posted January 11, 2008 Well Sweetie, you know what I think....she if full of herself and a bit on the nut side Link to post Share on other sites
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