Ex called me, and I'm and scared...

[jgarrard28]

So for those of you who didn't see my post a few days ago, my ex has been reaching out to me subtly with text messages and Myspace visits and comments.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t132556/

 

This has been going ever since late September. The contact she's been initiating gradually becomes less and less subtle over time. This morning she called me. I was expecting it, but I didn't know how I was going to react to it until it actually happened. I didn't answer because I was curious to see if she would leave a voicemail. She did. She didn't sound very upbeat, and she wasn't specific about anything. She just said "Hey Joe, this is Elizabeth. OK, well, call me back whenever you can, OK thanks. Bye." From the tone of her voice she sounded a little nervous too.

 

I am feelings all kinds of emotions right now. First of all, I met a girl who caught my interest last night. I haven't been interested in a girl on this level since the breakup. It was just a weird coincidence. I'm really scared to find out what she wants to talk about, whatever it is. I'm not sure what she's doing. She "apparently" is really serious with this other dude, and she keeps trying to initiate contact. I'm afraid if I don't call her back, the next thing she's going to to is come to my house.

 

I didn't think I was going to feel this way. It's like when it starts happening the way you want it to, you realize that being on your own isn't so bad, and that maybe you don't even want to bother.

 

I don't know what she wants. It could be anything. Honestly, I don't think she's content with the situation she's in. I don't think she ever got closure on our relationship, she just kinda ran away from it and found a distraction. The problem is I've been working on myself and moving forward. For the first time in awhile, I REALLY don't know what I want.

 

What do you guys think I should do? Should I call her back? Is it rude to keep avoiding her?

[brothermartin]

First things first. Why did she really leave you? Dose the guy she's seeing now know that she's calling you? Do you want her back? Answer these questions honestly to yourself and then tell her if you're not O.K. with her constant attempts to reach you.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

Perhaps you should try and have a conversation with her to try and bring about a resolution. The conversation should be around the stuff that brothermartin talks about in the post above and also about you listening to her and her listening to you.

 

If you choose to go down this route start by preparing what you need to say based on brothermartin's comments (write it down if you think it will help). When you feel you are ready, contact her to arrange a comfortable time and place to have this conversation; she may try to have the conversation there and then or try to change the subject. Don't let her. Politely insist that the sole purpose of the call is to set up the meeting and that she can talk all she wants during that meeting. If she doesn't want to have the meeting then politely ask her to stop contacting you so that you can have the space to find resolution on your own.

 

If you do successfully set up a meeting, when it happens let her talk first and just listen. This means:

• Not interrupting
  
• Not defending yourself or attacking her (which may be quite difficult)
  
• Checking to make sure you've understood

After listening and checking that she has finished, say your piece. She may end up doing some of the things above i.e. interrupting, trying to defend herself etc. If she does, don't get caught up in it; simply politely ask her to let you finish just like you did when she was saying her piece.

 

When you're done you should both have a clearer view of what either of you wants.

 

Good luck.

[jgarrard28]

Well, I called her back. It was a casual conversation. There were a lot of laughs and it wasn't too awkward. It lasted for about 20-30 minutes. She still tried to make me jealous a few times, but nothing too bad. She made a few ridiculously odd comments I think to try to impress me. She eventually told me she called because she wanted to see how I was doing and what I've been up to. I kind of got the impression she was checking up on me to see if I was "outdoing" her boyfriend. That's pretty much the reason we broke up. She thought I wasn't being productive enough to be her boyfriend.

 

We never talked about the relationship once. I was surprised. I was sure it was going to come up somehow, but it didn't. I'm not quite sure how I feel right now. There definitely isn't closure yet though, that's for sure. I learned that I still have more feelings for her still than I thought I did.

 

Although this was a healthy conversation, I don't think it changed anything. We still have unresolved issues coming from both sides. I feel like we're cool with each other and feel guilty not talking to each other, but we don't quite feel comfortable either. I still feel like we're trying to make each other jealous, even if it's on a subconscious level. I don't think either of us knows what we want. I'm just sick of these games.

 

Right now I'm looking at it this way: She has a boyfriend and it's not me. As long as she does have a boyfriend, I shouldn't worry about what she's thinking because it's just going to drive me insane. I wouldn't mind her back in my life though as a friend. I've come to realize that time and space away has done it's job. It's healed most of the wounds. The only way we're both going to figure out what we want is to start ALL OVER. Back to the basics. We need to be back into each others lives. It's obvious. We didn't cheat on each other or abuse each other. We were really really close for a year. It's obvious she misses me. I don't think she wants to be with me right now, but I do think she's curious.

 

Your thoughts?

[brothermartin]

I think your're right. About everything. But try taking the high road and not doing or saying anything to try and make her jealous. No matter what she dose, stay nice. Since she's the one that left you, you dont have anything to prove to her. If she tries to tell you you do, too bad. She can only call a shot like that if she's still in a relationship with you, but she voided that right when she left.

[buffalobill]

Your situation is just like mine. My ex dumped me about 8 monthes ago for some guy she met at a bar two days prior. We were together for 3.5 years. The dude presented himself to her as a high-roller, buying drinks for everyone in her group. He wined & dined her for 2 monthes. NOw it turns out that he is broke and credit cards everything & is being sued for 14k in back child support. In addition, he is super needy & jealous., a real winner. She knows she traded down.

 

Anyway, I still have a thing for my ex, but I can take it or leave it. I have never been with anyone who I feel as comfortable & be myself. However, I also know she is toxic to me, and know if she betrayed me once she will do it again. In addition, I am dating a new girl that is twice as hot and more genuine.

 

Over the past 8 monthes we have been doing NC/LC about every 2 weeks. Only e-mail & sometimes we see each other in social settings which she puts herself in which she could easly avoid. When in these settings she is very friendly but no flirting. get this... she ALWAYS wears a special pair of dressy diamond earings that I gave her even when they don't go with her get-up. She definately trys to send me a message. What do think she is trying to say? He still presents to the world that she is very serious with the new dude. Does your ex do this to you? She wants me to make the first move but I refuse.