I cheated, feel disgusted and remorseful

[leoparda]

WARNING - This is a Long post

 

I have been in my LDR now for about 15 months. I met my boyfriend in june of '06 we immediately connected and were inseparable. I met him at the end of my stay in a south american country while studying abroad last year and even considered taking a semester off of school to stay and be with him. In the end I decided it was best that I finish school first and then come back when I am done. At first we both figured we would never see each other again and accepted it as a small unforgettable opportunity that could have been much more. After coming back to the states it was very hard for me to reintegrate myself back into school, the culture and my life. All of my friends had either moved or graduated so i began a whole new school year friendless constantly thinking about the boyfriend i left behind and wanting to be back in south america.

One of my only friends who was left in town was an ex (which whom I had never consummated the relationship). Feeling very lonely and dissatisfied with my situation one thing led to another and I had sex with the ex. There were no feelings or sparks left between us. Neither of us wanted a relationship, but there was still an intense sexual attraction, and that was it. We slept together a handful of times in a span of a few months. Although there was no emotional involvement I was still missing my more recent boyfriend, constantly thinking about him. After about four months of being back home my conversations with the boyfriend (which had been going on since my return) began to get more serious and did not die out like we had expected. We both had been thinking about each other for months and began talking about when I would return. At this point I put a stop to the random casual hookups with the ex feeling extremely guilty but also understanding that I was not technically with my south american boyfriend since we accepted it was 'over' once i left the country. Now, however, things were changing and we were beginning to talk of my return and he even told me he was going to wait for me.

At this point I made the mistake of failing to define fully the relationship, as in are we missing each other and hoping to see each other? or are we a serious item? Our intense feelings and conversations indicated a true emotional desire to be together but we always talked of my return not as a specific date but as a probable "whenever it happens" type of occurrence.

This past summer, one year after my return (and consequently one year of NOT seeing or visiting him in person due to expensive plane tickets and a poor college student's income) I realized that a return to south america after I graduate would be impossible. The whole entire year I was working two jobs to pay for expenses and to try to save up to return right after i graduate. This was unsuccessful and left me very drained and depressed as I was working all the time with no gain. I soon realized that my return would have to be postponed. After telling this to him we decided that we would not put any specifics on my return and to just let things happen. By this point the effects of the LDR had been taking a toll on me. I would communicate to him how I felt and sometimes I would hold it in. I had (and have) very few friends who understand and sympathize for this situation. Most of them think it is a doomed unrealistic relationship.

Some of the LDR related problems had to do with his access to the internet and phone usage. He does not have a computer so he has to use internet cafes and phone call centers to keep in contact with me. This means he has to pay every time he writes or calls me. To me, the prices aren't expensive, but to him I know they are sometimes not affordable, so sometimes there would be a few weeks where we would not be able to talk. He is also a college student and has very very little money. He has even had to hitchhike home to his parents home a few times because he could not even buy a cheap bus ticket home.

During the point in time that I was realizing a return would not be possible this year I was very depressed and experiencing great anxiety over financial, school and relationship issues. I ended up having sex with a friend of mine during this time. I immediately felt disgusted with myself but continued to do this for a few weeks. I presented my situation to the counselors I went to and neither of them really thought it was an important situation even though I was obviously very upset and angry with myself. They offered me no real help. Even though I ended the sex and several months have passed I can feel it just eating me up inside. Sometimes I just break into tears because I feel so horrible. I don't know how to tell him either. I do not want to do it over the phone but I also don't want to wait 7 to 8 months either. I want to do it now! I don't believe in keeping anything from a significant other. I feel he deserves the truth, and if that means that he cannot be with me then that is the way it will have to be. I just love him so much and hate myself for what I did. I do not feel horrible because I am afraid I will lose him (although I AM afraid of this) but rather because I can hear his pain in the silence that will be there after I do tell him. He is very sensitive and I am afraid this will ruin his spirit and crush him. I do not have enough money to be able to go and tell him in person but dont know how to do this over the phone. It is not the ideal situation, but then again what is?

 

Even though our definition of our relationship is foggy emotionally I do feel committed to him. I am not a person who regrets and never have been. But this has been eating at me for so long. I wish it never had happened. And I hate myself for doing it.

 

~N

[leoparda]

sorry for posting this twice

[norajane]

Are you sure that he would see it as cheating? Since you left with no commitments, and you really have no plans to be together, perhaps he considered things fairly open-ended with no particular restrictions on either of you? Maybe he has also had sex with others?

 

Have you discussed what your expectations are of each other during this (very long) time when you don't see each other?

[leoparda]

I'm not sure that he would see it as cheating or not. Part of the reason I am concerned is that I took his virginity and was the first girl he had intense feelings and emotions for. When we talk about me coming back he refers to it as "when it happens" (with no concrete date) and then he'll turn around and say that he'll wait for me. The details have not been entirely hashed out regarding our relationship to one another, but we both have very intense feelings to one another. It really boils down to a lack of communication. On his part because he has never had a serious relationship before and on my part because I have somehow during my college years gotten myself into several poorly defined relationships (which leave me cautious to define things too soon for the fear of causing them to think that I want to be serious and consequently scare them off).

This, however, has been going on way too long and I just need to take my responsibility as someone who has been more experienced in relationships (although they weren't the greatest ones) and initiate the conversation. I have let myself accept little things that he says or does (like saying he'll wait for me to come back) as indirect clues to our seriousness factor when in reality the actual words have not yet been spoken.

Whether or not the outcome of a "relationship status" conversation goes one way or the other, I am still not sure how he will react to my having sex with other people. Technically, if we were non-committed in definition, I should not have to worry. But it doesn't change how horrible I feel. I just know it will hurt him regardless. Even though we have not verbally committed there is still an undeniable, intense and growing relationship between us that would make something like this still feel like a betrayal of the heart. Even if it was only casual sex.

[norajane]

How long do you realistically think it will be before you can see each other again? Maybe you shouldn't make promises to wait for each other if it's going to be years?

 

I know I probably sound like your friends now, but you are missing out on meeting and being with someone who can actually be with you right there, right now. It seems like you're setting yourself up for a lot of longing and pain.

 

And really, there's a reason you had sex with those guys - you needed the physical affection and attention, you were lonely. I know you have feelings for this guy, but if it's not realistic to plan to be together, then maybe you want to reconsider saying no to all relationships for an indefinite time...what if you can never be with this guy?

[DOA]

I think this relationship has worn its shoes.

 

With so much 'betrayal' that has gone on, how can you expect to mend it?

 

You can only survive an LDR if you are willing to put the hard yards in. And yes, that means sacrifice. But it seems that you can't deal with being celibate for months on end before seeing your SO again and you admit that financing such a relationship is too tough. (I am not berating you - just calling it how I see it, I don't want you to be kidding yourself and waiting on a relationship that may never flourish).

 

You really need to re-evaluate. An LDR is going to drain you if you cannot cope with the demands that come with the nature of such a relationship.

[leoparda]

Norajane-

Thanks for your advice and willingness to listen to my situation. You actually don't sound much like my friends because my friends generally don't take much of an interest in the situation. It's nice to have genuine attentiveness and honest opinions for a change (I mean, you wouldn't have responded if it weren't so).

My plan is to work for about five months after I graduate (which will be much more lucrative to actually saving money) and head back to Chile (that's where he lives and where I was last year) at the end of May or beginning of June. I'll hang around job searching and interviewing while I test the waters of our relationship and see if it can take off where it left off. Depending on how that goes I'll probably look for a job in that area of the country or take off and go to another region or even another country. Although he is a huge reason I am returning I am also going back because I was planning on returning after graduation before I even met him. Five months was not at all enough time for me

As far as missing out on opportunities in the present, I have absolutely no desire to meet anyone else or be with anyone else. And I have met no one that has made me feel otherwise. You know, sometimes I wonder if I am just setting myself up for pain, longing, and disappointment. And I also know that it may never work. But something is there. Something that I have only felt once before and I am willing to return to give it a shot. It seems the best thing to do would be to decide to wait and see what unfolds when I actually return rather than prolonging our confusing situation. I actually did this once before when I realized I couldn't return as soon as I had wanted. We both decided to just wait and see what happens when I return, but then somehow things evolved to how they were before.

 

DOA-

Thank you as well for your advice. This is what I need! Honesty and real answers. I hate when people just tell you what they think you want to hear. All the things you said are things that have crossed my mind, I have to admit. Although, I don't believe that remaining celibate would have been a problem if we had actually defined the peramiters of our relationship while we are separated by distance. Both of these instances occured during times when I was incredibly unsure of not just a future for the relationship but mostly whether or not we would even be able to see each other again (the first time I thought we never would!).

 

You are right. A re-evaluation is needed here. Without it, I think it will make things worse. I have already been drained by worrying about our status let alone the distance factor.

 

As far as kidding myself about a relationship that may never flourish. My "rational brain" has brought this up several times but every time my romantic hopeful side has won the battle. I would rather pursue it, find out and be disappointed than to never know at all and regret missing a possible opportunity with such a special person.

[leoparda]

Thanks again

[LexiB]

out of curiosity, if you two want to see each other so badly, have you discussed the possibility of him coming here? Or better yet, him splitting the cost of your plane ticket with you? Any help he can give, even if it's just a fraction of the cost will definately speed up the reunion process, no?

 

and I dont think you have anything to feel extremely guilty about - you said it yourself, the terms of your relationship were undefined...

 

Good Luck w/ everything!

[latefragment]

wow I totally relate. i met someone on another continent whilst on holiday, and, while weren't anywhere near official/serious, the inability to communicate really frustrated me to the point of tears at times. first it's the fact that he had to pay to call me (and he can't really afford to, but he did anyway) and i was unable to find any kind of calling plan (whether it be VOIP or calling card, or otherwise) that will give me reasonable rates to call him (30 cents a minute+ WTF) and then he has spotty internet access so we can't even email. these problems make the time difference look like small potatoes. oh lord. i actually cried once about this - why is it so fricking hard to call somebody up without it costing a fortune?

[dancinggal]

Get a skype phone. Much cheaper for you to call him with, and just works through the internet. And if he gets one too, its free. Has been a lifesaver for us, even though its cheap to call each other (Australia is pretty good with the cost of calling cards) its still a pain to be continuously paying for phone cards. Give it a go!