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[crushed in NC]

I am in need of some advice, here is my story.

I am 46 and have been married twice, first husband 20 years. Husband now 9 years. My husband just recently lost his mother in July and seem to shut me out. I have been worried sick about him because he needed to talk to someone instead of keeping it bottled up. I ask several times for him to let me help him through this but he insisted he was fine. I found out 4 day's ago that he found someone at work that he felt he could talk to about losing his mother. He began shutting me out from his world which was rare because we do everything together. I received my cell bill which both phones are on and came across a number that was showing up constantly. I decided to ask him about this instead of driving myself crazy digging for information. When he came home from work Tuesday afternoon I told him that I suspected he was doing something wrong and he admitted it. He told me that he began talking to this woman at work about how hard it had been on him since the loss of his mother and they became close, he said that this has been going on since August but it was only one kiss and that is as far as it had gone. He did say that they talked everyday several times and he didn't know where it might have gone had I not questioned it. I don't know where to go from here I am trying to deal with this but have not made a decision on rather to try and save the relationship or just call it quits. I need advice on what I should do.

[brothermartin]

At this point, I think your question should be to him. What dose he want to do? Dose he want to see where things can go with this...woman, or dose he want to work things out with you and try to save his marrige? And do you want to keep him? If you do, do you think you can really forgive him and not make him suffer for what he's done? The ball should be in his court. Whatever decision he makes, you have to decide if thats what you want after. For now, push him to make a decision. Thats the least you deserve.

[norajane]

Before making a decision to work through it, I think you need to find out why he felt the need to start talking to this other woman about his mother's death instead of talking to you. You said that you and your H did everything together, so why did he suddenly shut you out? Why did he turn to someone else? He said he didn't know what would have happened with that woman - meaning, he could have taken it into sex and a full blown long term affair - if you hadn't found out. Why was that a possibility? Why was he so open to that?

 

There was something within him that allowed him to do something like that - you need to understand whether that was a bad reaction to grief (which does NOT excuse his behavior at all!), or whether he has a character flaw that allows him to rationalize cheating and lying to you.

 

You also need to find out what he plans to do about this, and what he will do to try to rebuild trust. Will he cut off ALL contact with this woman? Will he give you free access to his passwords for cell phone and email so you can check to see whom he's talking with? Will he openly discuss his issues with you so you can try to resolve them? Will he go to a marriage counselor with you? Has he even apologized for betraying you, for hurting you, for abusing your trust?

 

Or is he reluctant to let this woman go and end things with her? Is he behaving as though it doesn't matter if he loses you?

 

If you choose to forgive him, it will be a long road for you, and it will be a roller coaster of emotions on a daily basis. You don't have to make a decision immediately - and you'll likely change your mind more than a few times as you go along.

 

Start with marriage counseling, and maybe an objective third party can help you through these discussions.

[TryingToHeal3]

He's lost sweetie. It was terrible to kiss her and talk to her like he did, but you have to cut him a break because of the traggic event that just occured. I know how you're feeling, believe me...but don't call it quits.

[mental_traveller]

Losing your mother does not make you cheat, sorry but I don't think that's any excuse at all. You're his wife and should be the one he leans on for support in a tough time, not some office floozy who is happy to chase a married man. Do not buy that excuse.

 

You need to know if it was just a kiss or something more. People usually lie in this situation and don't reveal the whole truth at first. I would keep pressuring him to see if he cracks and admits to more things. If he sticks by the story for a long time, like a month, then he may be telling the truth, but you can never tell with these things. That's why personally I would just end a relationship over any cheating at all - if they admit something small then for all I know it could be much worse, and why should you have to deal with that doubt? But you are married for 9 years, and if it was just a kiss, then maybe you are prepared to overlook that.

 

Really we can't make the decision for you, it's your call. What I would say is insist on absolute 100% truth and get *all* the details. Really interrogate him multiple times about it, and if he changes his story or refuses to answer everything, you know he is lying - in which case he has almost certainly had sex with her multiple times.