the bar scene and having fun?

[dominique]

we go to the bar every other weekend and it seems after a few beers my honey loosens up and relaxes and is so much fun that i want to just squeeze him all night long.

then the reality of it all hits the next day when he once again becomes his old grumpy self.

during the week he is really a bear to get along with, stressed from his job and things but then come the weekend when we go out he is such a different person.

when we are out, i sit and wonder how could i ever leave this guy, i love him so much, he is so much fun, he listens to me, he commincates with me, he is having fun, we are having fun together.

then the next day i wake up to a cold slap in the face with reality and wonder what to do?

why can't he just always be this way?

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "why can't he just always be this way?"

 

Do you really want to know? First, he has obviously not learned critically needed stress management techniques. If he had, he would not be so uptight and worried about:

 

1. Meeting all of his bills on time.

 

2. Living up to company expectations at work.

 

3. Finding a lady who can shift his attention away from problems when he's not at work.

 

4. Getting bombed or otherwise attacked by terrorists.

 

5. Getting layed off of work.

 

6. Getting robbed at the convenience store.

 

7. Making sure the car is properly maintained.

 

8. Ensuring his income tax return is filed on time.

 

9. Making sure his lady is happy with him despire all his concerns.

 

10. Ensuring that he gets his beers every other weekend so he can relax and turn into the nice guy that alcohol creates.

 

11. Making sure he remembers birthday's he's supposed to.

 

12. Making sure he keeps up with the latest medical information so he doesn't: get obese; catch SARS; develop cancer or heart disease; get prostate problems; get clogged arteries; develop kidney stones; get diabetes; etc.

 

And this list goes on.

 

This guy is an alcholic waiting to happen. If he gets so happy every other week when he gets a few beers in him, it's only a matter of time before he starts chugging every day.

 

Relief is just around the corner. Go to http://www.google.com and enter "stress management" in the search field. Help him be all he can be....short of joining the Army.

[Just A Girl2]

The poor guy is probably very stressed duing the week, due to work and work-related pressures and demands. What kind of work does he do? Is it a high-stress job? What do YOU do during the week to help lessen his load and stress? Anything?

 

Do you give him some time each day, after he comes home, to just have some time to himself to relax and unwind and de-stress? Or do you bombard him at the door with questions, problems and wanting to have big deep conversations or a list of complaints about things in your day or things you want him to do?

 

It's obvious why he's a lot more enjoyable to be around on the weekends you're out.....because he's relaxed and work isn't on his mind....and there's few pressures and deadlines and stress. Understandable.

 

If you feel that he's too grumpy for 5 out of 7 days and it's making you unhappy, then you are more than free to re-evaluate your relationship and decide whether you can be happy with him in the long term. He likely is the way he is and you're not going to change who he is....

 

You can complain about it, accept it and try to lessen his load, or find someone else. The choice is totally up to you.

 

So what kind of environment does he come home to after a day at work? Nice clean inviting home with a good meal to sit down to?

 

Do you work also? Do you pull your weight in the relationship or is it possible that he feels he has to bear the brunt of the responsibilities (financially, decisions that need to be made, bill paying, etc) in your home/relationship?

[Just A Girl2]

This guy is an alcoholic waiting to happen. If he gets so happy every other week when he gets a few beers in him, it's only a matter of time before he starts chugging every day.

 

Sorry but I have to disagree. That's a pretty big leap there. Tons of people go out a couple of times a month and have 3-4 beers and relax and have some fun, it surely doesn't mean they're on the road to becoming an alcoholic ROFL!

 

Maybe it's been several years now that they go out every SECOND weekend for a few drinks, to dance and have some social fun.......but suddenly you think it's just a matter of time before he starts drinking every day? Come on, that's pretty extreme to me. Having a few beers out in a social situation TWICE a month doesn't mean someone is on the road to being an alcoholic or daily drinker lol

[yes]

Somebody who's only happy after a doze IS on the path to alcoholism. Not because of the frequency, but because that's the only way for this person to be happy (I'm not saying that the case for your guy, dominique - is he happy under any other circumstances??)

 

This is from someone who has an alcoholic tendency (albeit controlled) - i know how it feels when nothing but a drink can make you relax.

 

-yes

[Just A Girl2]

I have tons of friends who have high pressure/high stress jobs (lawyers, stock brokers, financial advisors, etc) who are go go go during the week, very serious, always have work on the brain, often very uptight during the week.......then the weekend comes and they go out for a couple of drinks and know they have 2 days free from work where they can relax, not have to worry about work til Monday and can sit there and enjoy the company of others. They've been this way for many years and are definitely not alcoholics.

 

Dominique had written:

 

"we go to the bar every other weekend and it seems after a few beers my honey loosens up and relaxes and is so much fun that i want to just squeeze him all night long."

 

He loosens up and relaxes, yep, booze can do that......so can just having the weekend to not have to worry about work do that. Is alcohol use every second weekend interfering with his life? Nope, doesn't sound like it....based on what she wrote, is he starting to drink more often? Nope.

 

If someone who goes out twice a month for 3 or 4 beers, who's enjoying themself and relaxed is on the brink of starting to "chug" daily and become an alcoholic, then there must be millions of potential alcoholics walking around the world.

 

I'm pretty focused and stressed during the week, I come home with work on my mind and am already thinking about what I have to get accomplished the next day, etc. Although I don't really drink much (did when I was younger), if I had the chance and desire to go out with friends every couple of weeks to the neighborhood pub after work on Friday and have a few beer and have some laughs and such, I'd be very lively and friendly and outgoing and happy and humourous.........and I'd have a great time. Doesn't mean I'm an alcoholic. Sure, everyone is different but I think it's silly to make a big thing out of this and start freaking dominique out, by inferring that her guy could be an alcoholic in the making. Sounds like he's nothing more than a guy who works very hard all week, has a lot of job stresses and is actually able to sit down and relax every couple of weekends. What's the big deal? :-)

[Tony T]

I feel that anytime a person finds he can have some beers and suddenly feel relaxed and burden free, achieving a far more pleasant state of consciousness, there is an inherent danger that this drinking could become more frequent in time and volume. This is how most addictions begin.

 

No, I don't think that having some drinks every two weeks to feel good is a probelm at all. You say he becomes "a different person." But a factor in addiction is the realization that any substance, in this case alchohol, or drug can alter one's state of consciousness to the degree that life is far more pleasant sets the stage for a more serious problem. If you are telling your boyfriend how much nicer he is when he drinks, that too can encourage him to seek more alcohol.

 

If proper intervention does not take place, I think there is a very excellent chance that your boyfriend's drinking could escalate if it hasn't already. This is the way addictions start.

 

While I'm at it, you should have a doctor talk to him about depression. I've known people like this who responded well to anti-depressants...even though alcohol is a depressant....sometimes there is a paradoxical effect.

 

Your situation is not a good one and I would strongly recommend you seek professional help. There are problems here that could grow to the point of destroying your relationship. If that weren't the case, you would have seen no need to come here.

[dominique]

my boyfriend has some beers during the week if we go out for supper, other then that he don't really drink much anymore. he drank seven nights a week when we met a while back ago but he stopped all that when i told him i was not going to be in a relationship with someone like that, been there done that and don't need or want an alcoholic for a boyfriend. so tony is right about the possible impending situation except that in it has been down that road already. he was addicted to cocaine for ten plus years but clean for over five, but i think he switched one addiction for another even if he does have it simingly under control the fact that he has to drink to unwind and become someone much more tolerant makes me upset. he is other wise a good person, but high strung, very high strung and edgy, but come the weekend such a different person. i realize the pressures of work during the day/week can get to somoene but not everybody has to handle it with a beer or two or five. it just makes me feel sad that he has to drink beer to become someone totally more open to me. we use to go out seven days a week then down to every weekend, then down to just saturday nights and now to every other weekend, but he is afraid that i am trying to take control of his life and that soon i will have him going to bed every night at 9:00 p.m., that is what he is afraid of. i would not do that to him but still i wish he could unwind and be happy without the beer.

[Paul]

Hi Just A Girl2,

 

Originally posted by Just A Girl2

Maybe it's been several years now that they go out every SECOND weekend for a few drinks, to dance and have some social fun.......but suddenly you think it's just a matter of time before he starts drinking every day? Come on, that's pretty extreme to me. Having a few beers out in a social situation TWICE a month doesn't mean someone is on the road to being an alcoholic or daily drinker lol

 

Alcoholism is not defined by the frequency or amount of drinking involved, but the psychological dependence on alcohol. See other posts on this forum regarding alcohol dependence for more information.

 

It is perfectly feasible that this might raise a red flag.

 

Best wishes,

Paul

[Bill]

psychological dependence on alcohol

 

Just because something makes you feel different doesn't mean you are dependent on it. You all are jumping to unnecessary conclusions.

[yes]

if something is the only thing that makes you feel happy, how long do u think its gonna take to get addicted? c'mon.

 

-yes

[EnigmaXOXO]

Alcoholism is not defined by the frequency or amount of drinking involved, but the psychological dependence on alcohol. See other posts on this forum regarding alcohol dependence for more information.

 

 

Could not have been better said!

 

As the former wife of a recovering alcoholic, I could not agree more.

 

It has nothing to do with the frequency and/or amount. that is where the term "weekend alcoholics" derive. A person's psychological dependency (or addiction) begins when they can only feel "happy" or "high" with the aid of a substance. The irony is, these individuals are often MORE depressed than the average person when they are without their chemical crutch.

 

Perhaps, Dominique, this might explain your boyfriends constant moodiness...

[dominique]

yes he is/was a weekend drinker but now we only go out once every other weekend but during the week he is quite moody and quite the bear to live with so i try not to be home much because he works out of our house. for instance today, i don't know what was wrong with him, but he woke up seemingly in a good then just as fast, turned grumpy and went to a morning mass service. came home and called me at work and was still being an axxhole.

now this evening he is much better thus he says the day time makes him all crabby because of work, so who knows. still it is know fun going through this on a daily basis, just waiting for the weekend and or the evening for him to chill out towards life and towards me as well.

 

thanks guys for this lengthly discussion, it has been most informative.

[Just A Girl2]

Alcoholism is not defined by the frequency or amount of drinking involved, but the psychological dependence on alcohol.

 

Well let's see now.....considering I have several aunts and uncles who are alcoholics, and seeing how I dated an alcoholic (and lived with him), and seeing how I worked many years in alcoholic/drug detox/rehab, I think it's pretty safe to say that I'm already aware of this.

 

However, I think many of you here are totally jumping to conclusions.

 

Just because dominique's boyfriend is moody and a grumpy bear during the week, but loosens up and is more easy to get along with EVERY SECOND WEEKEND when he's out for a few beers, that sure the heck doesn't mean it's a red flag that he's an alcoholic. Of course at the time dominque posted, we didn't know that he DID have a hx of alcoholism.

 

There are many many things that can make a person a bear to live with.

 

-depression

-high stress job

-financial troubles

-unhappy with their partner/relationship

-poor stress management techniques

-etc etc

 

To say that because this guy goes out socially with his g/f every 2 weekends for a few beers, he's going to likely start drinking every day is crazy, IMO.

 

I dated an alcoholic for 9 months, lived with him for 3. When I found out he was an alcoholic (he was very good at hiding it), I made it clear that he had to either commit to quitting drinking/go to AA regularly/get professional help with getting to the root of WHY he drank..or I was ending things with him. He did all of the above......for a period of time. It came to be known that he'd had a long standing previous history of cocaine abuse, and had been drinking since the age of 12 yrs old. I didn't find this out til the end of our relationship.

 

For the first few weeks after I found out he was an alcoholic, he was good at going to AA and not drinking. Then he became increasingly moody and grumpy........and before long he was trying to 'change the rules'.....he wanted a new rule stating he could only have 2 drinks a weekend IN MY PRESENCE (as opposed to being out drinking with friends). Before long, he was hiding bottles all over the house, and drinking during the day. This is not someone who could go 2 weeks without a drink, and most alcoholics couldn't....if they're so anxious and antsy because they're not able to have a drink.

 

If Dominque's b/f's moods and such were related to being angry about not being able to drink, and craving it so bad that it was making him hostile and constantly grumpy when not drinking, you can rest assured that he'd be pushing for weekly weekends out to have a 'few beer'....and he'd be trying to get dom to bend the rules so that he could "have a couple drinks during the week." Or he'd be sneaking off in the day to drink.

 

Do you think that heroin addicts can go for 2 weeks without a hit? Hardly.

 

I just think that people should be advising dominque to look at all the possible reasons for her b/f's moodiness during the week....and not just automatically accuse him of being an alcoholic because like millions of people, he enjoys a few beer every couple of weeks.

 

Again, work can really screw people up if they're in a high stress job........they live it, breathe it, sleep it. Why is it so hard to imagine that the guy is able to loosen up on the weekends he goes out because he's not thinking about work and is actually out with friends, out of the house, away from work, likely in a place where there's laughter and conversation and dancing and stimulation?

 

who knows, maybe he's just bitterly unhappy in his relationship?

[dominique]

i am sorry i did not mean for this to become such a debate and i hope no one will have hard feeelings towards any here for this. my point in the whole thing was that he seems the most relaxed and happywhen we go out every other weekend. not saying that come evening he is not in a better mood too because he is, just saying that he is the most relaxed when we go out and i don't know if it the beer or the atmosphere, all i know is that he changes into someon much more happier and easier for me to get along with as well. he does have a very high stress job, so i can appreciate that in him, but to make his life miserable on a daily basis because of his job thus making me miserable as well, is not something i think is normal for a person. i wonder if president bush treats his wife with so much disdain as the war raged on. we use to go out every weekend, every saturday night could find us in the bar. then after years and years of that i told him finally that i could not take it anymore so could we try every other weekend and he agreed. now we go out to eat more often as well since he can have a beer sometimes two when we go out to eat. coincidence? i don't know but i doubt it. my only point is that i wish he could be as relaxed and happy and fun at home that he is at the bar. i do believe he is happy in our relationship, i have no reason to believe otherwise. he is always telling me how much he loves me and how much i mean to him, he rarely falls short on the compliments and that is when he is in a good mood only to fall back into his stressed out feelings.

so hopefully this clarifies somethings here. and thank you everyone for the long posts, it has all helped me see things in many different ways.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Dominique,

 

Hear is one indicator that will help you determine the difference between a "social drinker" and a potential "alcoholic."

 

Most of us who drink "socially" on occasions, know when to put that last drink down when we've had too much. Usually before we've become inebriated.

 

An alcoholic, whether they drink only on the weekends or not, won't stop until he/she is trashed...normally beyond the point of being able to function normally. They don't have that internal sensor that tells them "I've had enough."

 

For the "social drinker," alcohol works as a depressant. It relaxes us and we get "sleepy." For an alcoholic, the effect is quit the opposite!...Alcohol works almost like a "stimulant" and they get a burst of energy and may even feel "more livelier" while it is in their system. The "crash" only comes later when they have drank too much to the point of passing out.

[Just A Girl2]

For the "social drinker," alcohol works as a depressant. It relaxes us and we get "sleepy." For an alcoholic, the effect is quit the opposite!...Alcohol works almost like a "stimulant" and they get a burst of energy and may even feel "more livelier" while it is in their system. The "crash" only comes later when they have drank too much to the point of passing out.

 

Do you have some kind of scientific reference for these statements? I ask because this doesn't make a lot of sense.

 

Alcohol is a depressant, period. Whether it's consumed by a social drinker or an alcoholic. It depresses certain things in the body.

 

I drink very very rarely but when I do have 2-3 glasses of wine the odd evening if friends are over, I don't get sleepy....I feel bubbly and comical and you can't shut me up, I'm full of spunk and energy. Now of course if I drank 2 bottles of wine, I'd become sleepy. Alcohol is not a stimulant for anyone who consumes it.

 

And not all alcoholics drink til they pass out. I have several aunts who are alcoholics, they're in their early 50's......from the time I was a kid, I don't ever remember them without a "social drink" in hand. For special occasions or on the weekends, they always have a drink in their hand.......it's part of their lifestyle, I guess. They don't "pass out drunk", but they are definitely alcoholics because not a day could go by that they wouldn't have a drink.

 

When I was younger and more into the club/party scene, I was not an alcoholic.....could take it or leave it, but sometimes would drink more than I should have (drinking too quickly, then the alcohol finally kicked in) and I'd pass out. Why? Because I had too much for my liver and body to process and because it's a DEPRESSANT, I passed out. I may have done this a few times in my life......what, because I passed out that means I was an alcoholic? Currently, many years later, without any thought to it, I drink maybe 4 times a year, and could take it or leave it.

 

There seems to be a lot of unfounded "facts" about alcoholics and alcoholism being posted here. I have to shake my head.

[yes]

Question: what's wrong with a bit of alcohol, even if every day, if it doesn't harm anyone?

 

Many people have a glass of wine daily. It's part of their lifestyle. Are they alcoholic? hell no.

 

I think the bottom line is that everything is well if done in moderation.

 

-yes

[EnigmaXOXO]

http://www.ephidrina.org/alcohol/effects.html

 

Here’s the “scientific” explanation of how alcohol, in “small doses” actually behaves as a “stimulant”. But it will be difficult for you acquire full understanding of this complicated subject without further educating yourself. There is actually a difference between alcohol addiction and dependency, and I would highly recommend reading any of the numerous books on the subject if you are truly interested in learning more.

 

As for my own personal insight, I have attended YEARS of Alanon and counseling sessions as a former wife of a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I am also the mother of an active alcoholic and heroine addict (currently on the Methadone program)…as well as a former youth councilor who worked closely with the children and families of substance abuse.

 

Because I had too much for my liver and body to process and because it's a DEPRESSANT, I passed out. I may have done this a few times in my life...what, because I passed out that means I was an alcoholic?

 

No. Many of us have done this at one time or another. However, if this has become a constant…if you drink for the sake of “getting drunk”…If you have asked yourself “do I have a problem”… then you probably do.

 

http://www.psybersquare.com/recovery/rec98_am_i_alcoholic.html

 

And here is another fact that may surprise you!:

 

Some of us are alcoholics and don’t even know it. The disease is hereditary, and many of us who have history of this in our families are at risk of this disease. Just because you haven’t drank enough to trigger it, doesn’t mean the underlying potential isn’t there.