mental_traveller Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Wow, wow, just wow. Mel is right. You need a new therapist. That's just downright wrong and irresponsible on his/her part to say such a thing. I can't believe it. Yet again, this confirms how that community is more f'ed up than anyone (shrinks, therapists, et. al.) Please get someone else. That's just bull plain and simple and you're smart enough to know better. I can tell. So are you saying that men *don't* find younger women more attractive? Or do you agree that it's true but think the therapist should have lied about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author morelaugh Posted October 21, 2007 Author Share Posted October 21, 2007 You aren't going to look like a 20 year old, so you can't appeal to your husband that way. But in every single respect other than having a youthful appearance, you can appeal to him. So if you are making every other side of you as sensual and attractive as possible, then yeah 99% of men would be happy with that. But 99% of women do not make that effort, and often do not even know how to. As an example, he may well watch porn because he likes the idea of just some kind of dirty nasty sex. If you never do that together, he will use porn to scratch that itch elsewhere (or if no porn, he'll just use his imagination). But if he were getting that from his wife, he probably wouldn't have the desire to look at porn or fantasize about someone else. Now I have no idea what itches he might need scratching - it all depends on the individual. The question is, do *you* know what he really wants? Have you ever discussed it? Maybe he wants you to bend down when you are in the car, unzip his fly and give him a blowjob; maybe he wants to come home from work and find you naked in a bubble bath with some champagne on ice. Who knows, it depends on his taste. But until you find out what makes him tick, you aren't going to be able to satisfy that side of him. Trust me, when a guy is fully satisfied with a woman sexually, porn is the last thing on his mind because the real thing is much better! But if the sex life is average or worse, then yeah he is going to think about that, and that'll mean using porn sometimes (or a lot). IMO you need to discuss these things and open up to each other. Don't necessarily have a formal talk, but when you're getting touchy feely in bed, say you are feeling a bit naughty and ask him to tell some of his fantasies, get an idea for what he likes. Then take it from there! Yes, yes and yes. I’ve done all that and more. You have to trust me on this – I can be very creative in the sex department and I know he appreciates that. We talk and I know what he likes very well. And vice versa. But even when our sex life was at its best, he would still look at porn. Maybe even more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author morelaugh Posted October 21, 2007 Author Share Posted October 21, 2007 Depends on the guy you married. Let me ask you this... what does a 20yo woman have that you dont? Younger firmer body. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Not "polite?" Not "right?" No, try cretin. MT, I'm not saying men don't sometimes find younger women attractive. But when they love their wives and have the right values, it's not even a consideration...get it? So MT, you think the therapist advised the OP in the right manner? Also, MT I think you're wrong. My H and I engage occasionally in watching soft port. It turns us both on..doesn't mean we have any issues between us. It's just a change of pace. And it's something we BOTH enjoy...not just him. And Cobra, you were brilliant too! Too funny. I mean ABSOLUTELY, brilliant. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Yes, yes and yes. I’ve done all that and more. You have to trust me on this – I can be very creative in the sex department and I know he appreciates that. We talk and I know what he likes very well. And vice versa. But even when our sex life was at its best, he would still look at porn. Maybe even more. morelaugh, I now remember your story. Your husband deliberately stares at younger women in their teens, at their chests and bodies, while you're around. Now he enjoys porn. It appears to me that he's aware of your issues but chooses to ignore or negate them. Are you two in marriage counciling together or are you the only one going through individual counciling? Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Younger firmer body. Do you want to remain with a man who is that shallow and superficial? Screw him! (Or don't) This whole thing is just sad. I'd tell him to go for it...I'd show him the damn door if that's the way he feels. Do it, laugh. See what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Younger firmer body. Really? Tighter skin? Is that so important to him? Ok, what your therapist is trying to tell you is that this porn star represents some kind of fantasy to your husband. Now I'm not sure what that is. Some guys like midget porn... I cant figure it out. What I can tell you is that he needs to make sure this fantasy is in check! Seriously... your real... flesh and blood. You cant compete with a fantasy in his mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author morelaugh Posted October 21, 2007 Author Share Posted October 21, 2007 But that’s the fact, isn't it? They do have younger tighter skin. Even if I leave him, this fact won’t change. I can’t hope to find someone who will not notice that they do have firmer bodies. We all know, men look and notice things like that. And appreciate things like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 I have a question... If your husband likes to watch teens (porn) maybe he's the one who should consult a therapist... he's the one with the problem... (border line pedophile)... What I see here is a therapist who is trying to make you accept that he likes younger skin and it's okay to do so and you just have to accept it.. and in my book this is sooo wrong... I just don't get it when a man gets aroused by a 13-14 yr old... he's sick IMO.... I think you need to re-evaluate who needs therapy... Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 But that’s the fact, isn't it? They do have younger tighter skin. Even if I leave him, this fact won’t change. I can’t hope to find someone who will not notice that they do have firmer bodies. We all know, men look and notice things like that. And appreciate things like that. This paragraph concerns me. It tells me that you don't have sufficient confidence in yourself, as an attractive woman. Why? Link to post Share on other sites
Author morelaugh Posted October 21, 2007 Author Share Posted October 21, 2007 Really? Tighter skin? Is that so important to him? Apparently no. He is happy to be with a carrot and have occasional chocolate cravings, if you know what I mean. I am the one who is not happy with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 But that’s the fact, isn't it? They do have younger tighter skin. Even if I leave him, this fact won’t change. I can’t hope to find someone who will not notice that they do have firmer bodies. We all know, men look and notice things like that. And appreciate things like that. 10 bucks says that, tight skin has absolutely nothing to do with what your H is looking for in porn. Its the fantasy... maybe the idea of a woman that comes with no repsonsibility appeals to him. Maybe its the lack of work required. In the end he is just bieng selfish, and perhaps he is even addicted to the fantasy at this point. HE has to decide to get some help. This isnt somethign you need to just get over. He needs to fix this problem. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Yes, yes and yes. I’ve done all that and more. You have to trust me on this – I can be very creative in the sex department and I know he appreciates that. We talk and I know what he likes very well. And vice versa. But even when our sex life was at its best, he would still look at porn. Maybe even more. Ok, so it looks like it is entirely his issue. What age did you first meet? Did he look at porn then? If so then it's nothing to do with your age, it's just that he is a porn addict! In that case he would look at porn even if you were a 20 year old supermodel. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Apparently no. He is happy to be with a carrot and have occasional chocolate cravings, if you know what I mean. I am the one who is not happy with that. Cravings = Fantasy So, I'd say you should be a little miffed! That make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Also, MT I think you're wrong. My H and I engage occasionally in watching soft port. It turns us both on..doesn't mean we have any issues between us. It's just a change of pace. And it's something we BOTH enjoy...not just him. Soft porn is different. I can guarantee you that her husband is not looking at soft "couple-friendly" porn. He will be looking at 20 something chicks getting banged in graphic and degrading ways. He may well have some "acceptable" porn to pop up when his wife comes to the room, but when he is alone he will go back to harder stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Wow, you have no idea how rare this is on here, laugh. We ALL agree that this is HIS problem and not yours. What do you think of that? Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Soft porn is different. I can guarantee you that her husband is not looking at soft "couple-friendly" porn. He will be looking at 20 something chicks getting banged in graphic and degrading ways. He may well have some "acceptable" porn to pop up when his wife comes to the room, but when he is alone he will go back to harder stuff. Ha ha, speak for yourself! But really, even if that's the case, he can compromise and give that up and switch to watching other kinds of stuff with her instead of without her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author morelaugh Posted October 21, 2007 Author Share Posted October 21, 2007 Without trying to quote everyone… - Yes, we are both in therapy - The girls he looks at are not as young as 13, I don’t think he’s into really young kids - I think I look really good for my age, but not nearly as good as I used to 20 years ago - Why do you think he is an addict? I read many posts on this forum and it looks like most normal men look at porn - I’m totally not into soft porn. Something more serious - yes. Degrading – well can be even hot –as long as it is only for sexual purposes and doesn’t extend to real life… I am far from being asexual church lady – I just feel so inadequate when my H shows his desire for those young hotties - something I will never be again… I naturally stopped being attracted to 18 you boys, I wish it was the same for him. How can I be happy with him, how can I be sexy for him when I know that he finds them more sexually attractive. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Without trying to quote everyone… - Yes, we are both in therapy - The girls he looks at are not as young as 13, I don’t think he’s into really young kids - I think I look really good for my age, but not nearly as good as I used to 20 years ago - Why do you think he is an addict? I read many posts on this forum and it looks like most normal men look at porn - I’m totally not into soft porn. Something more serious - yes. Degrading – well can be even hot –as long as it is only for sexual purposes and doesn’t extend to real life… I am far from being asexual church lady – I just feel so inadequate when my H shows his desire for those young hotties - something I will never be again… I naturally stopped being attracted to 18 you boys, I wish it was the same for him. How can I be happy with him, how can I be sexy for him when I know that he finds them more sexually attractive. I already told you. You say "There's the door honey. Don't let it hit you on the way out." Guaranteed he's not going anywhere. I mean it. It's a shame you even have to resort to that but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do. It's a shame you have a man who is making you feel that way, but if you don't want to leave him then you gotta call him on his nonsense. Either that, or suffer in silence. As someone else said on here, take back the POWER! Link to post Share on other sites
Author morelaugh Posted October 21, 2007 Author Share Posted October 21, 2007 Put it this way: If I knew he was watching hard core degrading porn for the action (and not for the woman who look better than me) I’d be more than happy to join him. Look, I don’t mind or try to control the type of porn he’s watching. I can’t get over the fact that he gets aroused by the women he finds more attractive than me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author morelaugh Posted October 21, 2007 Author Share Posted October 21, 2007 I already told you. You say "There's the door honey. Don't let it hit you on the way out." Guaranteed he's not going anywhere. I mean it. It's a shame you even have to resort to that but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do. It's a shame you have a man who is making you feel that way, but if you don't want to leave him then you gotta call him on his nonsense. Either that, or suffer in silence. As someone else said on here, take back the POWER! You may be right, but I don't really want the power. I want a man who desires me. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Put it this way: If I knew he was watching hard core degrading porn for the action (and not for the woman who look better than me) I’d be more than happy to join him. Look, I don’t mind or try to control the type of porn he’s watching. I can’t get over the fact that he gets aroused by the women he finds more attractive than me. How do you really know that though? Maybe it's YOU who is being too insecure? I don't know anymore. I'm just asking. Could that be the problem? Look, you've obviously got to do something differently. Whether that's watching what he wants with him or whatever. Stop comparing yourself to those women. Men, as a rule, aren't attracted to insecure women. Be proud of yourself and how you look. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Without trying to quote everyone… - Yes, we are both in therapy - The girls he looks at are not as young as 13, I don’t think he’s into really young kids - I think I look really good for my age, but not nearly as good as I used to 20 years ago - Why do you think he is an addict? I read many posts on this forum and it looks like most normal men look at porn - I’m totally not into soft porn. Something more serious - yes. Degrading – well can be even hot –as long as it is only for sexual purposes and doesn’t extend to real life… I am far from being asexual church lady – I just feel so inadequate when my H shows his desire for those young hotties - something I will never be again… I naturally stopped being attracted to 18 you boys, I wish it was the same for him. How can I be happy with him, how can I be sexy for him when I know that he finds them more sexually attractive. The thing is.. even if you were a stunning 20 yr old..he would still find other 20yr old hot? You can't win on this one.. so what? You too, I'm sure, find other men more attractive than your husband in those porn movies.. and?... does that make you bad? I think you need to relax about this.. you are way too jealous and jealousy is a poison. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Put it this way: If I knew he was watching hard core degrading porn for the action (and not for the woman who look better than me) I’d be more than happy to join him. Look, I don’t mind or try to control the type of porn he’s watching. I can’t get over the fact that he gets aroused by the women he finds more attractive than me. The two sentences bolded conflict. Men watch porn for the express purpose of being aroused. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 You may be right, but I don't really want the power. I want a man who desires me. Trust me. Most men love a woman who has power over them. Try it. You'll see. He'll desire you like never before. Link to post Share on other sites
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