CD111 Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Hi, I have recently realized that I still love and miss my ex. I was the dumper. We haven't spoke for months and dated for 2.5 yrs. The first year and a half of our relationship was great, amazing. I had nothing to grip about, he was happy, responsible, fun, treated me well, better then well. Then we moved to a different state to for me to go to graduate school. He had a hard time adjusting and that's when the problems started. He was always down on himself, lacked the confidence he once had and started to question my commitment to him when I was at school working on projects till 1:00 am with my classmates, yup some were guys. The situation behind our break up was this. I was going to graduate school full time, had a thesis and a demanding job on the side that took another 30 hrs a week away from me, but it paid for my school. I was alone stretching myself very thin. Well unfortunately a few months prior to the break up my ex was in a motorcycle accident, that scared the hell out of me, I was so glad he was ok. But he didn't have health insurance. Our relationship was strained due to my school, I admit it and in many situations I put my schooling before our relationship. He basically fell apart after the accident. He couldn't drive so I had to take/pick him up from work. He wouldn't get up on time in the mornings I was late to class repeatedly. I thought it would be wise to try to figure out if he could get any sort of assistance with his bills, he couldn't pick up the phone to make any calls or find out any information. I tried so hard to be supportive, the cheerleader, and do whatever I could to help him but things just weren't getting better. I know he loved me soo much and I loved him soo much. But I just couldn't handle anymore I would have had a mental break down and I am not kidding at all. It was the end of the semester I had papers to write, a conference to present at and a poster to make. I literally spent a month, every day at school 14-16 hours a day to finish up the semester. I had lost 25 lbs in 6 weeks. I was not a happy camper at all. I was a few days from loosing my mind. The break up was horrible, he said he would change and during the time we were still living together before he found a new place he did. He tried very hard to make it up to me. He eventually even proposed to me a week and a half after we broke up. He had had a ring for a year. I said no, I just wasn't ready and I wasn't. So, he has been very very hurt. He saw a therapist after our break up and during the time we were still living together before he moved out. After a few weeks of therapy he admitted he made a bunch of mistakes. I needed time to get myself back together and I felt like he needed to be on his own for a while to learn to be more self sufficient. I knew it would be one of the hardest things he had ever done. But despite all of that I haven't stopped thinking about everything almost a year later, I have taken that as a sign that well maybe we could make this work. A few days ago our paths crossed. Totally unplanned by both parties. We talked for a little while, were civil with each other. I have been a mess the last two days I realized that I still LOVE the guy and that's that. So I wrote him a letter a few days ago, admitting that I definitely made errors in our relationship too and was an ass sometimes, I was. I feel like I have grown alot in the last year and realized a few things. I told him the truth, that I miss him and that i I would like to talk about the possibility of giving our relationship another shot. But not if it would be like things were before only if we could prove to each other that we would be able to make the other person happy and be a good partner to each other. I gave it to him. I don't know anything about his life right now, as whether he is seeing someone else. He may well be. He may never want to see me again also. So now I am playing the waiting game. I am going with the fact that if he doesn't respond then he has made his decision. I would just like some thoughts. Based on the history what do you think? Is there a point in resurrecting this relationship or have I gone temporarily insane. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
sao2 Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Whatever happens it took a lot of courage for you to put yourself out there like that. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CD111 Posted October 21, 2007 Author Share Posted October 21, 2007 unlike probably the majority of the population, that's how I operate. I am not afraid to put my heart on the door mat and give the other person a full opportunity to hurt me. Why? Because there is always the possibility of it working out and I would kick myself if I didn't take that chance. thanks for the comment Link to post Share on other sites
Blurple Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 My Girlfriend used to stalk me.... that really shows love... JK Like you said in the I need her back post be more imnsertive. he is prolly mad at you.... well keep us updated... P.S. he might also think that contacting you will be a sign of weakness for him.. you have to re assure him that it isnt Link to post Share on other sites
sao2 Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 unlike probably the majority of the population, that's how I operate. I am not afraid to put my heart on the door mat and give the other person a full opportunity to hurt me. Why? Because there is always the possibility of it working out and I would kick myself if I didn't take that chance. thanks for the comment I am like that as well. It's like anything in life. We would rather make mistakes by being too foolish than by being too safe. I think what you did is just fine and completely appropriate. If after some time you don't hear back you may want to follow up, depending on the nature of your relationship together. I would say give it at least 3 weeks(there I go telling you to play it safe). Link to post Share on other sites
dbtmarley Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 As you have probably guessed your boyfriend seems to have been going through a depression. If he has not sought out help for it there is a good chance he is still a mess. The only reason I come to this conclusion because of the details you gave and the changes he presented that caused the break up. They were very similar to things I had gone through. It was a battle and I have to admit the doubt still creeps in sometimes no matter how hard I try. You know when I first started reading your post my first impression was that you did not do enough to help him through it, but as I read I realized you probably did too much. I hope he continued the therapy. I think you did the right thing for the two of you by breaking up. He has to be right for himself and you right for you before either can be anything good for each other. I don't think you put yourself out there per say with the email, you cared for the guy and like you said it caused you to be a mess for the last few days. You recognized this and got those feelings off your chest. If things heat up between the two of you, take it slow. See if he has changed.... gotten better I mean, hopefully for him he has. If he is with someone new you can bet your a$$ he has not changed and he is most likely putting someone else through the grief of his depression the same way he did you. I think you did well. For both him and you. Please keep us updated! Thomas Link to post Share on other sites
Author CD111 Posted October 21, 2007 Author Share Posted October 21, 2007 You're right I know at times I did do too much. It was just easier and faster for me to do it. I took almost a parental role at towards the end. But in many situations it had to do with his health. Ex. broke his ankle. It too me nine days to convince him to get a cast. NINE DAYS. I found the clinic and took him there. He just wanted to let it heal on it's own and that it would be fine; even though, the x-rays definitely showed it was broken. I just didn't want it to heal wrong and him have problems with it for the rest of his life. There I went acting like his mother. Link to post Share on other sites
Blurple Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 He tried to propose to you... you said no.. I bet that killed him inside... Call him up and ask him were your ring is.. LOL The best thing is to take Niceguys advice in the "I need her back" thread. you cant expect him to RUN back to you after what you did to him.. from what you said you sounded like a great gf.. he should understand that everything become to much,,, being a good mate doesnt leave in a time of need... You have to gradually show him that you are back for good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CD111 Posted October 21, 2007 Author Share Posted October 21, 2007 It killed me to say no when he proposed. I just didn't want to spend the rest of my life being his mother as opposed to his girlfriend or his wife. I had started to loose respect for him and no longer saw him as my equal. It wasn't good. But I knew his heart was in the right place and I still loved him, but couldn't marry him at the moment. I told him I just wasn't ready to marry him at that point. He wouldn't take that answer. All I am hoping for right now is a sign. Patience is not one of my best virtues. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
yippkiyay Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 I so feel you there my patience is non existant stay strong Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 Just go at what pace is best. You know him well enough to know his pace by this point. If he sees YOU making effort, even just a little bit, he will notice. Ease back into. I like to say "Start over without ever really starting over." Meaning, just go out and have fun. You had an initial connection when you two first met. That will never go away. Dont say you want to date him again, just start doing it. Good luck to you! I wish my ex would do this! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CD111 Posted October 23, 2007 Author Share Posted October 23, 2007 I am in no big hurry, by no means and it would actually probably freak me out if he called and spilled his guts about how terrible his life has been without me. LOL However, the last time I saw him before recently, he totally ignored me. To make a long story short. After we broke up I continued to rent the house we had for five more months. When I moved out I got the deposit back. We each paid half, so half of it was his. I didn't know where he lived or anything and had it in my wallet for a long time. I was on the verge of just sending a check to his parents and it would somehow get to him, but I ran into him at a place I thought he no longer worked and I went in to look at hoodies. Anyway, I thought GREAT i can give him the money, the last thing I wanted him to say was....and then she didn't even give me my half of the deposit back. LOL. He hid in the back with a bunch of co-workers and when I asked one of the guys to get him, he wouldn't come over. I wrapped the money in a note that said here is you half of the deposit and gave it to an employee to give to him. I was pretty pissed. Most other people would have just kept the money. It wasn't a few dollars either. I just know I would be livid if I didn't get my half back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CD111 Posted October 23, 2007 Author Share Posted October 23, 2007 Blurple, to add an answer to your last comment, he proposed to me after I broke up with him. It's not like he proposed and I said no and then dumped him. Link to post Share on other sites
Blurple Posted October 25, 2007 Share Posted October 25, 2007 I however still think you need initiate a little bit more contact with him.. When was the last time you talked to him or tried to call him? Link to post Share on other sites
cookiecat Posted October 25, 2007 Share Posted October 25, 2007 man, when i read your story, it really spoke to me. i had a similar thing happen, where my boyfriend and i moved across country (from sf to ny) for me to go to graduate school. like yours, he fell into a depression... he just wasn't adjusting well. he walked out on his job (we both worked at the same place too), and just became really withdrawn and deeply depressed. it was hard for me, because i was making new friends, and then school started, and that just consumed me, to which i know you can relate. he moved out eventually into a new place, because it just wasn't getting any better between us. i hoped that us moving apart would help us get a handle on our problems. however, he just became even more withdrawn and depressed, to the point where i felt like there was nothing else for me to do but break up with him. a month later, i decided that i couldn't go through with the breakup, so i made contact. he was a MESS. not only that, but i found out he had booked a ticket back to san francisco he told me he needed me and loved me though, so even though he was going back, we decided to stay together. well, a year later, things weren't really much better for us. they were for him, because he was back in his comfort zone. our relationship was in a bad state though, and he eventually broke up with me last summer. i actually just posted a thread about his behavior, just 20 minutes ago. we have been talking again recently, for the first time in months, and it's just torture because i still love him so much, but he seems to be aloof and is sending me mixed signals about whether or not he's interested in working things out. i kind of laid it out for him and said that i still cared about him, and wanted to work things out. only, of course, if they could be different. it just wasn't healthy or happy, the way things had got to be. he has been aloof since, and not made any effort to bring the topic up with me again (although, okay, it's only been one week since i laid it out for him. i have a sinking feeling he's not going to get back to me). also like you, i just like to put myself out there too. especially with someone you have had such a long relationship with. i don't see the need for any other way. and btw, when i say 'put myself out there', i don't mean, be emotional and hysterical and dramatic. i just mean, be honest and straightforward, as rationally as possible anyways, good luck with your situation. our stories are different in that he never proposed to me but i did feel a connection to your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CD111 Posted October 28, 2007 Author Share Posted October 28, 2007 I haven't talked to him in 9 days. I have a sneaky suspicion he has a girlfriend. Wish he would just tell me if he did. The way I see it is whatever happens happens, sure getting some sort of positive reaction from him would be great. However, I just hope he isn't taking this as an opportunity to try to hurt me because he knows how I feel. By not reacting at all and just letting me sit and wait. As a pay back in a sort of way. But it's his prerogative. Currently, I don't see this going anywhere and I am ok with that if that's the way my life is supposed to go. I feel good about the fact that I gave it a shot. At least this way it will be easier to move on and yeah, I will have to get over the fact that I still care about him, but I will. Plus it wasn't all bad, I have learned tons from this experience and hopefully can make better decisions next time. Link to post Share on other sites
Blurple Posted October 28, 2007 Share Posted October 28, 2007 Keep your head up and move on with your life. You cant expect him to make any moves within 9 days. Keep up what you already have been doing. Try making contact at 30 days. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CD111 Posted November 4, 2007 Author Share Posted November 4, 2007 Well surprisingly. I didn't expect to hear from him at all. He did get a hold of me and asked me to go to dinner with him. To tell you the truth it kinda freaked me out. I definitely think taking things really slow right now, as has been recommended by some of you, is the best way to do this. I think both of us have good reason to not be too hasty. I definitely want to hang out with him, so I am stoked about that and hopefully we can work on burying the hatchet first since we treated each other like **** after we broke up. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted November 4, 2007 Share Posted November 4, 2007 Take it easy and treat it like a first date. Dont talk about you guys unless he brings it up. If he does, dong argue about anything. Just agree and if starts to bother you, change the subject. After you two have kind of "reconnected" after a few dates, then maybe start to discuss things. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CD111 Posted November 4, 2007 Author Share Posted November 4, 2007 Well, I think we just need to hangout a few times and reconnect and see how things go. I really don't know anything about what he has been up to for the last year. If our lives are even headed in the same direction? What are his plans for the next few years? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CD111 Posted November 7, 2007 Author Share Posted November 7, 2007 Alright, so after he invited me to dinner. I responded and said I would like to spend some time with him, but I wasn't ready for the whole dinner at a nicer restaurant thing and asked if we could do something more low key. He said that would be fine and I emailed him back my schedule for this week. This numerous emails were exchanged on Monday. I haven't heard back from him at all, yet. Not really stressing it, but I do find it sort of weird. I am pretty busy so I would like to know what would work for him so I don't make other plans. I feel like I am going through the dating etiquette motions. Like he is letting me sit and wait just because he can. ugh Link to post Share on other sites
Author CD111 Posted November 12, 2007 Author Share Posted November 12, 2007 Well after a week of no response he emailed me. He basically said he ended up having no time to meet me last week and that we could try to get together this week. I will send him my schedule for the week and see if it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 I got an email from my ex about meeting up for a drink or something (I think you know my backstory...) this week. Well she called me this morning (less than 12 hours after she sent an email) to figure out our schedules. I have a lot this week to do and so does she and tonight happens to be our only night to maybe meet up this week. Best advice is to just take it nice and slow. Try not to think about anything to do with the "future" or where you guys are heading. If you truly do have a shot at a second chance/reconcile, just take it nice and slow. Do the low key thing a couple times and slowly work up to an actual nice dinner date together. You will find you guys will probably start to talk about the good ol times. Thats when you should get a good idea on where you both stand in regards to the two of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CD111 Posted November 22, 2007 Author Share Posted November 22, 2007 Hey Niceguy27, thanks for asking about how things are going. Things are pretty much not going anywhere. LOL Nothing really materialized on his part, this could be the fact that this a few days ago was the 1 year anniversary of the break-up. I am probably the LAST person he wanted to see. But other then that, oddly enough, since I wrote and gave him that letter I have really been at peace about the situation. Sort of like it's out of my control. He knows where I stand. I have pretty much stopped analyzing the situation also. A person can go crazy doing that. I have a weird feeling I will hear from him again though. I seem to hear from him when I expect it the least. How are things for you and your ex going? Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 Good to hear. Once you get past that point it does get a lot easier now that youve accepted things and can get back to your normal self. We are still apart. She has been dating someone new for about a month. Crazy how she can jump from a likely marriage with me to someone so quick so soon. Ive accepted things for what they are I guess. We are starting to fall into this habit of meeting up around once a week. Just as buddies. She has said a few times at how much more laid back I am now. I still keep my distance and dont really keep in touch throughout the week. I am also back in touch with a friend from school whom I havent seen in almost 10 years. I will be going on a date with her sometime soon. All in all...I still have hopes that one day my ex and I will get back together. We both had talked (when we first split) that we can both see us finding each other down the road again. I look back and we werent really all that settled in life yet. She was starting clinicals and my business was still struggling. Time does help with everything. Taking things slow and making sure you keep yourself first are the most important steps to follow I think in order to make things work out for all of us. Link to post Share on other sites
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