The Wife Called me...

[Gwyneth]

Hello, I'm new here. Here is my story...

 

I had an innocent, secret crush on this guy who I knew was married. He out of the blue pursued me (I never made it obvious I admired him--I didn't even know him). He asked me for my phone number, and made the first phone call, and made the first move physically. He represented his marriage as one of failure and not worth it. Of course, I'm sure it's a line, as he complained about his marriage nonstop saying he never should have married her. Well duh...he only knew her less than a year before walking down the isle with her. Less than Half a year to be exact.

 

He and I exchanged numerous text messages for a three-week period...I'm talking about 1000 text messages. His wife was angry when she received the phone bill but he had this whole big lie he told her, and then told me that every thing was fine between them (likely story).

 

Well this month I guess she saw all the times he has called me (almost every day, and we talk for periods of time throughout the day). I have called him a handful of times while he makes the majority of the phone calls.

 

Well last week, my phone rang and three times for three minutes straight, there was a female breather at the other end just doing that--breathing. Five minutes later, same private number calls me, heavy female breather. I mean, she is That stupid not even to Mute the phone? Idiot. Half hour later, again...finally, she got to my voicemail at midnight when she called me one last time, and now knows my first name. The next morning I texted him to let him know I received some interesting phone calls the night before--he told me it was her, and he's in big trouble. He has that same lie, though, going on that he's telling her.

 

I'm not happy about this at all. I have tried putting an end to this affair but he doesn't want it to end and since my emotions are already tied in, yes, I'm weak and fall back into the trap. I'm stupid--I'll admit it. I have not had sex with him yet--it's just kissing and holding hands, talking on the phone, talking about daily problems together, etc. I often wonder what this is besides an affair. It's now hard to break away, but if she's going to play high school games and call me and just breathe in my ear, then this cannot go on. Either way, it cannot go on.

 

I just wanted some opinions of those who are the OW or OM as well, and tell me what you make of this, and lots of suggestions about how to deal with the affair and get out of it without getting hurt (if that's possible).

 

Thank you.

Gwyneth

[whichwayisup]

He is married, hands off. Just tell him you are not going to "date" him or be his "Friend" while he is still married.

 

He has been lying to his wife, so don't you think he's been lying to you as well? Don't believe a word what he says about his marriage or his wife. I bet his marriage isn't half as bad as he's made it out to be.

 

Also, his wife is not an idiot. She's upset and probably is figuring out what is going on. She probably doesn't know what to say to you - So actually, be thankful she's not talking - Yet! You may not enjoy what she has to say to you...

 

If you really want out of this affair before it goes too far just tell him goodbye. He isn't yours, he never was...Even if he's made it seem like he's available and his marriage is crap, it doesn't give you the right to pursue him back. You know he's married.

[lost4ever]

You will get hurt no way around it

[lost4ever]

I do not think the wife is playing games, more than likely she looses the nerve to confront you, or don't know what to say (don't get mad at her this is not her doing)

Next time she calls, let her know you know it is her and tell her if she feels like talk she has the number.

I really think that you don't know if your really like this guy, and the slap in the face that you may get stuck with him is making you back peddle fast...I know I wouldn;t want to listen to him cry on my shoulder when he looses his wife because of a couple of phone calls and hand holding to another girl...good luck!

[whichwayisup]

I often wonder what this is besides an affair. It's now hard to break away, but if she's going to play high school games and call me and just breathe in my ear, then this cannot go on. Either way, it cannot go on.

 

It's an emotional affair. And abit of fooling around.

 

I just wish you put yourself in his wife's shoes for one moment. Imagine what it feels like to have the man you love, the man you married, cheat on you.

 

Have abit of empathy for her, instead of calling her an idiot and accusing her of playing highschool games. I say you're lucky she hasn't knocked on your door and confronted you face to face! BE glad that it's just afew silent phone calls!

[MrsHellnoFire]

heavy breather?

creepy

[Gwyneth]

I can see this is an emotional affair.

 

He often compares a life with me to his life with hers, saying that with me it would be easier and better, as I have a great Wall Street job while she only does nails. He struggles with her in many ways. Of course I'm sure he lies to me--the though has crossed my mind. We agreed this would be just for fun. He says he doesn't feel bad about cheating, but doesn't want to get caught. Yet, he will still text and call me even after he knows wifey is upset. I don't understand this man. A part of me doesn't care about her because a woman did this to my mother when I was just an infant. Also because he never gave me the opportunity to respect his marriage as he always puts his marriage down. I have put myself in her shoes, but feel that as a woman, I would Never just jump into a marriage after knowing the man for hardly six months, while moving my child into a home with this man. That to me is incredible.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think what is hard for you to understand is why a man who claims he is happy with you, would choose to stay unhappily married when he has an opportunity to have the life he wants with you. Unfortunately, regardless of how unhappy he is and how bleak of a future he sees with his wife - he chooses to stay married to her. So, the choice is now yours: continue to be this guy's 'other woman' and live from excuse to excuse he hands you for why he 'can't leave', or cut your losses and find a man who will move mountains for you, love you, and make you the 'only woman'.

[whichwayisup]

A part of me doesn't care about her because a woman did this to my mother when I was just an infant.

 

Then seek some therapy because using your mom as an excuse is really crappy. So in your eyes, because someone did this to your mom, it's okay for you to do the exact same thing? How about thinking of their kids!

 

Also because he never gave me the opportunity to respect his marriage as he always puts his marriage down.

 

This makes absolutely NO sense. You knew he was married even BEFORE you knew the state of his marriage. He ofcourse, isn't stupid. I'm sure he read you like a book and knew you had the hots for him well before you two started openly flirting and getting to know eachother.

 

You didn't respect the marriage period. If you did, you wouldn't have allowed yourself to get involved with a married man. There was a time when the ring on finger meant something, not only to the person wearing it, but to those who see it as well.

 

I have put myself in her shoes, but feel that as a woman, I would Never just jump into a marriage after knowing the man for hardly six months, while moving my child into a home with this man. That to me is incredible.

 

Yet it's OKAY for you have an affair with a married man???????????????????????? So, you don't respect her, though you respect him? Hello! It takes TWO to get married.

 

He says he doesn't feel bad about cheating, but doesn't want to get caught.

ALL MM say that. Trust me, he WILL feel bad when he's caught. When D-Day (discovery day) happens, he will turn this all around on you and make you the bad guy. You'll be the one who pursued him. You were the one who wouldn't let go...He'll tell his wife anything that she'll need to hear so HE can still be married to her. You'll be thrown under the bus...

 

Get out now while you still can. Go read some more threads in this section and see what the OW here have gone through, maybe you'll realize that the rollercoaster ride you're about to jump onto isn't worth all the pain and suffering.

[Gwyneth]

Thank you, whichwayisup. I think you have really helped me put things into perspective. And no, I don't need therapy--my life turned out great having divored parents (two B'day celebrations, two santa clauses and Easter Bunny's, etc.). I really do not think he had a clue I had the hots for him before he pursued me. I don't think he ever even noticed me. I just though "wow, he's hot..." and moved on. I was in a relationship prior to him making his move on me.

 

I don't want this wife to sue me or come after me. I'm sure he will feed her more lies and lines and tell her I'm the one pursuing me, but then why does he call me and I don't call him? That's evident enough to me, if I were the wife, that it's my husband, not her, making this a bad case of cheating.

 

I'm not trying to defend myself. He openly discusses how unhappy he is in his marriage with other people too--other men that is. His coworkers know he's unfaithful and his one coworker is helping him to cover his tracks. I know, that's sad. Hey, if it's not me then it will be some other woman. He already did this once earlier this year and his wife found out.

 

How he chooses to be in his marriage is his choice. And yes, I have the choice to be or not to be the OW. I know I'm wrong, and there is no excuse for my actions.

[whichwayisup]

You have alot of insight into your situation so I do hope that you think long and hard about what you want.

 

Sorry if I came across harsh, but to be honest, it's really not your business to judge them on why they got married within 6 months. As I said earlier, they BOTH decided to get married, so to just blame his wife and disrespect her for that reason is crazy.

 

Look, if he is SOOO unhappy in his marriage, he'll end it. I still think he's blowing smoke and just loving the attention people give him. Including you.

He's too lazy to tell his wife he's unhappy because then he'll actually have to change and work on the marriage, let alone work on himself. So, he's taking the easier way out by looking outside of the marriage. Yeah, he sounds like a real prize there...

 

Even if he did leave his wife, could you really trust him if he came to be with you?

 

You need to find a single man and have a loving relationship with him. Not some loser MM who has no balls to either fix or end his marriage.

[GreenEyedLady]

Thank you, whichwayisup. I think you have really helped me put things into perspective. And no, I don't need therapy--my life turned out great having divored parents (two B'day celebrations, two santa clauses and Easter Bunny's, etc.). I really do not think he had a clue I had the hots for him before he pursued me. I don't think he ever even noticed me. I just though "wow, he's hot..." and moved on. I was in a relationship prior to him making his move on me.

 

I don't want this wife to sue me or come after me. I'm sure he will feed her more lies and lines and tell her I'm the one pursuing me, but then why does he call me and I don't call him? That's evident enough to me, if I were the wife, that it's my husband, not her, making this a bad case of cheating.

 

I'm not trying to defend myself. He openly discusses how unhappy he is in his marriage with other people too--other men that is. His coworkers know he's unfaithful and his one coworker is helping him to cover his tracks. I know, that's sad. Hey, if it's not me then it will be some other woman. He already did this once earlier this year and his wife found out.

 

How he chooses to be in his marriage is his choice. And yes, I have the choice to be or not to be the OW. I know I'm wrong, and there is no excuse for my actions.

 

What is it that you are wanting out of this R? Are you wanting it to go further or are you ready to call it quits?

 

Is his W having called you changed the way that you two interact or the R you have with him? And how did he handle her calling you?

[Gwyneth]

He says leaving her would be easier if their wasn't her child in the picture. They do not have children together, at least not yet. Doubt they will be any time soon as well, as she's always upset with him. She does have the right to be insecure, and he knows that. He's a bit naive and selfish and I truly believe he doesn't understand the concept of love and marriage--given his record and his past growing up as a child. I believe our past influences reflect how sometimes we behave in a marriage/relationship.

 

Prior to meeting and marrying his bride, he was in a 7 year relationship that ended the same year he married the wife. I say it's some kind of rebound but he refuses to believe so. He seems quite bitter about the ex and claims he never loved her. He said he cheated on her too. So I believe he truly is just an unfaithful man.

 

I also belive the line "once a cheater, always a cheater" is not true, becuase while my father cheated on my mother, he Never cheated on his second wife (she did to him with his best friend!). So to answer your question, would I want to be with him? Well, I have a few options here.

 

You see...when he and I are together, it's like talking to my soul mate. He gets me, and I get him in ways no other has Ever got me. I find it truly amazing the bond we have and how instantly connected we became. At the same time, though, I would Always be insecure that he'd be cheating on me, just like his wife is. I'd always wonder if he's lying to me too. I have been through so much myself and now know how to handle bad situations. Although this is a bad situation, I have never been involved wiht a married man, and never intended on being involved with a married man.

 

I want out, but I can't. He makes it Impossible for me to go. He won't let me go--he won't let go. That's the hardest part about this...

[Gwyneth]

What is it that you are wanting out of this R? Are you wanting it to go further or are you ready to call it quits?

 

Is his W having called you changed the way that you two interact or the R you have with him? And how did he handle her calling you?

 

She was hitting him and kicking him the whole night she was calling me. She was crying too. He told her she's making more out of it than it is (well of course...lies and lines).

 

He said it's messed up how many times she called me. I think she was trying to reach my voicemail to get a name. She finally did the last time she called at midnight. I just am Amazed how many times she called me, and quite frankly I'm annoyed and peeved she took this to a high school age level by just breathing in my ear. At one point I pressed a button on the phone because I really had no idea who it was--I suspected it was her. Well, he's the one who calls me from that same phone all the time....yet he didnt' want to get caught. So you guys tell me...because I think he Does and Did want to get caught.

 

Also, he said he is going to get a prepaid phone and not tell her about it so that he can call me, or he will reconnect his work cell phone and use that. He won't use his cell phone anymore and she changed the number anyway. He didn't even give me that number--maybe he did all three of us a favor by not sharing the number with me. I'll admit I'm a bit upset he didn't give it to me. I feel as if he doesn't trust me! I know, I'm being stupid.

[GreenEyedLady]

She was hitting him and kicking him the whole night she was calling me. She was crying too. He told her she's making more out of it than it is (well of course...lies and lines).

 

He said it's messed up how many times she called me. I think she was trying to reach my voicemail to get a name. She finally did the last time she called at midnight. I just am Amazed how many times she called me, and quite frankly I'm annoyed and peeved she took this to a high school age level by just breathing in my ear. At one point I pressed a button on the phone because I really had no idea who it was--I suspected it was her. Well, he's the one who calls me from that same phone all the time....yet he didnt' want to get caught. So you guys tell me...because I think he Does and Did want to get caught.

 

This is how I see it:

 

You can stay in this R. His W is going to interfere on every level and your R is going to greatly suffer from all the turmoil and drama...

 

You can end the R before it gets physical and save yourself all pain and drama that is pretty sure to follow.

 

It's not a point of him wanting to get caught...He got caught and apparently his W is not going to require any changes on his part and he's going to continue doing what he's allowed to do...

 

Honestly, since it hasn't been taken to that physical level, I think it makes the most sense to just end the R and move on...But it's your decision...

 

GEL

[RecordProducer]

Next time she calls, let her know you know it is her and tell her if she feels like talk she has the number.

I wouldn't do this. This will confirm that you're in touch with him and indeed are his mistress.

 

Just stay out of it. If the emotions you have for him are so strong that you can't ditch him, then staying in an affair is going to be much more detrimental for your happiness.

 

You are wasting your time with him. He is married and his comment that he is in trouble indicates that he does care about his marriage and won't leave his wife. He is trying to cover his traces right now with a bunch of lies. Isn't that a turn-off for you? Do they have children?

[mopar crazy]

I can see this is an emotional affair.

 

He often compares a life with me to his life with hers, saying that with me it would be easier and better, as I have a great Wall Street job while she only does nails. He struggles with her in many ways. Of course I'm sure he lies to me--the though has crossed my mind. We agreed this would be just for fun. He says he doesn't feel bad about cheating, but doesn't want to get caught. Yet, he will still text and call me even after he knows wifey is upset. I don't understand this man. A part of me doesn't care about her because a woman did this to my mother when I was just an infant. Also because he never gave me the opportunity to respect his marriage as he always puts his marriage down. I have put myself in her shoes, but feel that as a woman, I would Never just jump into a marriage after knowing the man for hardly six months, while moving my child into a home with this man. That to me is incredible.

 

OH THIS JUST PISSES ME OFF! He thinks life would be greater fo HIM b/c you have a better job and she just does nails! What an A@@HOLE! He just wants your MONEY honey! And he puts his W down for her job? I would rather see her be a SAHM w/ her children but I know some woman just can't do that and get by financially. If that is the case, at least she has a job.

 

I agree w/ WWIU, you need therapy if you have no thoughts or concerns about having an A w/ a MM b/c this happen to your mother when you were an infant. And that brings up another ?. Did your own mother tell you this when you were older? You would not be able to remember this from being an infant unless your mom or someone else told you about it.

 

Just b/c he has no respect for his W and M doesn't mean that you don't have to. Does it make it right so it gives you the green light to disrespect it?

 

And last but not least, just b/c you wouldn't M someone you've known for less than six months doesn't mean it's wrong. There are many happily M couples out there that only knew each other for a short time b4 they got M, doesn't make it wrong. And for those ppl that do get M early into the R does it make it right their spouse has an A b/c they got M too soon? NO!

 

Plz do yourself a favor and go find a SG. Being involved w/ a MM is NOT worth what it brings.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

He often compares a life with me to his life with hers, saying that with me it would be easier and better, as I have a great Wall Street job while she only does nails.

Oh, so it's about the money, then. Gotcha. Apparently she must have lied to him when she met him, telling him she was a CEO of a company because he STILL married her, right? Since he finds her so beneath him because she's 'only' a lowly nail tech, she must have lied about her profession to him in order to snag him. My point is that it was certainly fine with him when he MARRIED her that she didn't have a career that brings in the big bucks, so why all of a sudden NOW has she become a lowly nail tech? What an ass - comparing your jobs and saying how much 'better' it would be for him with you. What a complete INSULT it must be to be measured by your earning capacity.

 

 

Of course I'm sure he lies to me--the though has crossed my mind.

LOL - ya think?

 

A part of me doesn't care about her because a woman did this to my mother when I was just an infant.

Well that's the way to go. You saw what some woman 'did' to your mother so it's A-ok to pay it forward to someone ELSE, is that it?

 

Also because he never gave me the opportunity to respect his marriage as he always puts his marriage down.

Of course he doesn't respect his marriage. He's out looking for fun on the side. That's obvious. Why do you need HIM to make you RESPECT something you should respect just out of common human decency? You don't need his permission.

 

I would Never just jump into a marriage after knowing the man for hardly six months, while moving my child into a home with this man. That to me is incredible.

Yet, you'll jump into an affair with someone you know is lying to you and you KNOW is lying to his wife. What a catch. Just think - if you're lucky enough to WIN this prize, it will be YOU heavily breathing on the other end of the phone when you discover a ton of calls on his cell bill. Won't that be fun?

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

He says leaving her would be easier if their wasn't her child in the picture. They do not have children together, at least not yet.

I've heard of MM using their own kids as an excuse to stay where they WANT to stay, but now you've got a guy using a child that isn't even bilogically his? Wonder what excuse he'd use to stay if she didn't have a kid from a prior marriage? Maybe the family dog? An attachment to her Aunt Tillie in Toledo? How utterly transparent this guy is.

[mopar crazy]

I've heard of MM using their own kids as an excuse to stay where they WANT to stay, but now you've got a guy using a child that isn't even bilogically his? Wonder what excuse he'd use to stay if she didn't have a kid from a prior marriage? Maybe the family dog? An attachment to her Aunt Tillie in Toledo? How utterly transparent this guy is.

 

LOL! And she is falling for ALL of it! SAD!

[OpenBook]

Why do you need HIM to make you RESPECT something you should respect just out of common human decency? You don't need his permission.

 

Uh, so it's OK for HIM to disrespect his OWN MARRIAGE... but SHE should be held to a higher standard than him, and adhere to (whose??) sense of "common decency". Riiiiiiiight.

[bish]

Of course, I'm sure it's a line, as he complained about his marriage nonstop saying he never should have married her. Well duh...he only knew her less than a year before walking down the isle with her. Less than Half a year to be exact.

 

Well of course he'll say all of those things...true or not...he wants in your pants.

 

Well last week, my phone rang and three times for three minutes straight, there was a female breather at the other end just doing that--breathing. Five minutes later, same private number calls me, heavy female breather. I mean, she is That stupid not even to Mute the phone? Idiot.

 

Uh...ever occur to you that she didn't care if you heard her breathing? Ever wonder that she is devestated because her husband is messing around with you...sex, no sex..emotional affair...whatever the case may be.

 

And you are messing around with somone's marriage(ya i know, he complains about his marriage..yadda yadda yadda)....but it is HER that is stupid?...uh...ok

 

Half hour later, again...finally, she got to my voicemail at midnight when she called me one last time, and now knows my first name. The next morning I texted him to let him know I received some interesting phone calls the night before--he told me it was her, and he's in big trouble. He has that same lie, though, going on that he's telling her.

 

I'm not happy about this at all.

 

Well maybe next time you'll know better than to get involved with a MM.

 

I have tried putting an end to this affair but he doesn't want it to end and since my emotions are already tied in, yes, I'm weak and fall back into the trap. I'm stupid--I'll admit it. I have not had sex with him yet

 

Yet?

 

 

--it's just kissing and holding hands, talking on the phone, talking about daily problems together, etc. I often wonder what this is besides an affair. It's now hard to break away, but if she's going to play high school games and call me and just breathe in my ear, then this cannot go on. Either way, it cannot go on.

 

If someone who is devestated that her husband is messing around with some other "woman" and she calls and doesn't want to say anything...just sit there is being "high school games"...then you tell us...what would you call a woman that gets involved with a MM?

 

And any MM that cheats on his wife is a jerk. So what makes you think that he'd never cheat on you?

[bish]

I can see this is an emotional affair.

 

He often compares a life with me to his life with hers, saying that with me it would be easier and better, as I have a great Wall Street job while she only does nails.

 

Ah, so you are superior and better than her eh? Now we understand your mindset...you are all that and a bag of chips, and she deserves to be dumped on.

 

Ah, snobbery never ceases to amaze me.

[Gwyneth]

Wow...I come here for support on How to get out of this, and most of you are making me feel worse than I am. Thanks--such a Great group of human beings here. Does it make you feel any better by bashing me for the mistake I have admitted to? If you don't have anything nice to say, or supportive to say, then don't bother with the comments. I came here for the purpose of getting out of this situation. I admitted my wrongs, now I need help getting out. It's easier said than done...

[Impudent Oyster]

Uh, so it's OK for HIM to disrespect his OWN MARRIAGE... but SHE should be held to a higher standard than him, and adhere to (whose??) sense of "common decency". Riiiiiiiight.

 

Maybe she should try respecting herself then. What kind of person KNOWS and ADMITS that it's wrong to get involved with a MM and does it anyway? One with zero self-respect.

 

If she respected herself she'd find it very easy to tell this player to hit the road instead of letting herself be used by him.