The Wife Called me...

[Impudent Oyster]

I came here for the purpose of getting out of this situation. I admitted my wrongs, now I need help getting out. It's easier said than done...

 

Why can't you just block his calls, emails and threaten to tell his wife if he doesn't back-off? I think that would get your message across very effectively.

[Lyssa]

This is how I see it:

 

You can stay in this R. His W is going to interfere on every level and your R is going to greatly suffer from all the turmoil and drama...

 

You can end the R before it gets physical and save yourself all pain and drama that is pretty sure to follow.

 

It's not a point of him wanting to get caught...He got caught and apparently his W is not going to require any changes on his part and he's going to continue doing what he's allowed to do...

 

Honestly, since it hasn't been taken to that physical level, I think it makes the most sense to just end the R and move on...But it's your decision...

 

GEL

 

Gwyneth,

 

I'd go with GEL. He's just going to continue until he gets caught again and again.

 

If you want to get out of it, just don't return his calls. Change your number if that would help.

 

One more thing, you can always 'ignore' those who are giving you a hard time.

[mopar crazy]

Why can't you just block his calls, emails and threaten to tell his wife if he doesn't back-off? I think that would get your message across very effectively.

 

 

EXACTLY! It can be done.

 

I had an xBF who I broke up w/ b/c he cheated on me. He wasn't ready for a serious comment just yet. Wish he would of told me that B4 I accepted the diamond ring he bought me. Anyhow, he started contacting me again and I told him I was not interested in restarting our R. The last time we spoke he went home and tried committing suicide b/c I would not get back w/ him! I felt so bad, hoped he would get the help he needed, but I was not getting back w/ him b/c he was threatening suicide.

[ladybug63]

If you have not had sex with him why is it that difficult to let go?

Are you going to miss the texting and phone conversations?

It would be extremely difficult had you been intimate with him.

Chances are he is just trying to hold on to you until he get the opportunity to become intimate with you. You should just let that one go and move on. If the w is already calling you that should be enough for you to let him go.

[mopar crazy]

If you have not had sex with him why is it that difficult to let go?

Are you going to miss the texting and phone conversations?

It would be extremely difficult had you been intimate with him.

Chances are he is just trying to hold on to you until he get the opportunity to become intimate with you. You should just let that one go and move on. If the w is already calling you that should be enough for you to let him go.

 

I was an OW to a man in a CR, they lived together. If she would have been calling me I would have let the R go. I wouldn't want to deal w/ that also.

 

Gwyneth, I hope you can find the strength and courage to let this man go.

[NoIDidn't]

Wow...I come here for support on How to get out of this, and most of you are making me feel worse than I am. Thanks--such a Great group of human beings here. Does it make you feel any better by bashing me for the mistake I have admitted to? If you don't have anything nice to say, or supportive to say, then don't bother with the comments. I came here for the purpose of getting out of this situation. I admitted my wrongs, now I need help getting out. It's easier said than done...

 

No offense Gwyneth, but they are only responding to what YOU have said about another HUMAN BEING. Your comments about his W make her seem unworthy of him (clearly as you have learned from him).

 

Listen many of the ladies here have been there, done that. Insulting his W only based on what he has said to you is not very nice either. She's a nail tech. What exactly do YOU do on Wall Street? They have secretaries and janitors on Wall Street, too, you know.

 

I am sure that its easier said than done to get away from your feelings for him, but they are just that - feelings. You have said yourself that he has been unfaithful before. Do you really want that? Or do you feel that these intense feelings will make him faithful? Honestly, he dumped his ex to marry his W in less than 6 months. He must have had intense feelings for her at one time too.

 

Please think about the facts that you already know rationally. This man has cheated before. His W was crying and going through immense pain to see that he has done it yet again. He doesn't care much about her feelings. Do you think he will care much about yours if/when the time comes for him to cheat on you too?

 

BTW - I don't believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. But he has already done it more than once. You will not be able to teach this old dog new tricks until he is truly self-motivated to change on his own.

[norajane]

You see...when he and I are together, it's like talking to my soul mate. He gets me, and I get him in ways no other has Ever got me. I find it truly amazing the bond we have and how instantly connected we became.

 

You need to step back and re-read your own posts.:

 

At the same time, though, I would Always be insecure that he'd be cheating on me, just like his wife is. I'd always wonder if he's lying to me too.

Also, he said he is going to get a prepaid phone and not tell her about it so that he can call me, or he will reconnect his work cell phone and use that. He won't use his cell phone anymore and she changed the number anyway. He didn't even give me that number--maybe he did all three of us a favor by not sharing the number with me. I'll admit I'm a bit upset he didn't give it to me. I feel as if he doesn't trust me! I know, I'm being stupid.

 

Your 'soul mate' is a man you cannot trust, and who doesn't necessarily trust you.

 

Your 'soul mate' is a liar, a cheater, and a man who thinks nothing of sneaking around and deceiving people. Your 'soul mate' is a man who thinks it's just fine to get you involved in his marriage problems, to give you only part of his time, to make YOU have to sneak around and hide from his wife - your 'soul mate' doesn't think you deserve better, or he'd leave you alone. Your 'soul mate' who trash talks his wife but stays married nonetheless has probably cheated before, and will very likely cheat again...

 

Is that really a 'soul mate' or an opportunist cheater who sees you as an easy target?

[Gwyneth]

I didn't say he Is my soul mate--I said it's like Talking to my soul mate. I meant that it's good when we talk and are alone, but then reality kicks in at all other times. I am well aware that my soul mate would never hurt me, but let's face it, humans aren't perfect. He and I come from the same place--broken marriages, cheating, step parents, the whole nine yards, so we get each other in ways many people do not because they just were never there.

 

I'll admit, I do not care for his wife or respect her. I'm some what convinced she married him to become a US citizen. I am not going to ask him that though--I would rather Not know.

 

I'm not saying I'm a better person because I work on Wall Street. His point was that they struggle financially and to be married to me with a decent paying job would be a better life because there would be no struggles. He's not looking at the big picture. But he's also financially supporting her and her child, since she doesn't feel the need to receive child support from her ex husband, the father of her child.

 

Thank you all for your thoughts and comments. Some of you have helped, while others have made the situation worse for me mentally. I know i'm doing wrong, but it doesn't make me a horrible person. I have a lot of other good qualities in me. We all, and let's all admit this to ourselves, get caught up in bad situations that we need to get out of, whether it be relationship, crime, money, etc. I never intended to hurt anyone, and I feel that this is His marriage and if He wants to cheat, let him--I cannot control what he does, other than not being a part of this. I know he will just cheat with another.

 

Thank you,

Gwyneth

[LaughMachine]

It is his wife who is probaly very angry with you and him. I agree with everyone else which is HANDS OFF.

 

When you hurt someone I sometimes feel the crazyiness they do can be justified...unless it leads to violence.

 

If he is going to pursue something with you and if you are that important to him than he will make a getaway from his marriage. Seems like this man has no real morals :-/

[GreenEyedLady]

Wow...I come here for support on How to get out of this, and most of you are making me feel worse than I am. Thanks--such a Great group of human beings here. Does it make you feel any better by bashing me for the mistake I have admitted to? If you don't have anything nice to say, or supportive to say, then don't bother with the comments. I came here for the purpose of getting out of this situation. I admitted my wrongs, now I need help getting out. It's easier said than done...

 

Put people on ignore who are rude or unsupportive...No matter what you say to them, they'll still come back with even ruder comments...

 

Take what you need and leave the rest...

 

(((HUGS)))

 

GEL

[GreenEyedLady]

Thank you all for your thoughts and comments. Some of you have helped, while others have made the situation worse for me mentally. I know i'm doing wrong, but it doesn't make me a horrible person. I have a lot of other good qualities in me. We all, and let's all admit this to ourselves, get caught up in bad situations that we need to get out of, whether it be relationship, crime, money, etc. I never intended to hurt anyone, and I feel that this is His marriage and if He wants to cheat, let him--I cannot control what he does, other than not being a part of this. I know he will just cheat with another.Thank you,Gwyneth

 

Stay strong! Keep posting for support and ignore those who are only here to hear there own opinion over and over...

[Gwyneth]

Thank you, Greeneyes And all the others that are supportive and understanding yet do let me kindly know I'm wrong. I know i'm wrong, no one needs to be bitter about it toward me. I never said I'm not wrong. Geez.

 

He and I are actually emailing each other now but we haven't really discussed his wife and her phone calls to me.

 

I think some of you aren't really thinking what a divorce is all about. It's not as easy as, "honey, I'm leaving, filing for a divorce, and that's it...it's over." I think something like this takes time. Some times people have to find someone else before they move on...hello, we're only human, and most of us humans are this way. IT's backbone support. Nothing wrong with that, that's just the way some people are.

 

I also do not see anything wrong with a married man or woman finding another man or woman to be with while married. To me, this is a sign that there's a problem and either it needs to be worked out, attempted to be worked out, or the marriage is over.

 

I just do not think for my guy to end his marriage is as easy as ending a relationship.

 

I want to be his friend and support him. I think what he needs the most is a friend--someone to listen to him and be there for him. His wife doesn't do that. To me, that is what makes a marriage strong--friendship and support. Without that, what is there? Sex? People can get sex with anyone, including themselves.

[bestadvisor]

I know i'm wrong, no one needs to be bitter about it toward me. I never said I'm not wrong. Geez.

 

 

IT's backbone support. Nothing wrong with that, that's just the way some people are. I also do not see anything wrong with a married man or woman finding another man or woman to be with while married.

 

You're contradicting yourself. Either you're confused, in denial, or looking for justification for your own action and it's very possible all three of them.

 

Deep down, you know what you're doing is WRONG, but the the same time, you enjoy his attention/company and you're looking for ways to justifiy your actions. If you're a good person, one day, you will wake up hating whom you have become and what you have done.

 

There isn't many things out there worse for a woman to do than getting herself involved with a married man.

[serial muse]

Put people on ignore who are rude or unsupportive...No matter what you say to them, they'll still come back with even ruder comments...

 

Take what you need and leave the rest...

 

(((HUGS)))

 

GEL

 

 

I don't know - I agree that putting people on ignore who have nothing to say but insults is a useful thing to do...but I'm not sure that it isn't useful to point out to the OP that she's making a lot of assumptions about this man, his wife, his marriage, that she's coming down hard on someone she doesn't know because she's in pain and she wants to project it outward.

 

How can she move forward, and possibly get a handle on her situation, if she won't face it squarely, without adding the boosts of extra disdain and hate in there? I agree that it's creepy for someone to call and say nothing into the phone. But my first assumption, if I assumed it was the MM's wife, is that she couldn't think of what to say. Any number of things could be going on, but the OP has decided to make fun of his wife for her job and for how quickly they got married (and after all, he was involved in that decision too) and make nasty insinuations about why his wife married him in the first place. Why is any of that necessary? All it does, from what I can tell, is give him more power over you, Gwyneth, because by demonizing her you're really still buying into his stories (even as a part of you admits that he's probably lying to you too). Because even as you say you doubt him, you're clinging to the parts of his story that make you feel more important to him than her.

 

I know it's hard to let go of someone who made you feel special, Gwyneth, and I get that you're in pain. I wish you weren't in this position, and feeling this hurt. Truly. But do you really want to be free of him? Because if you do, I think the first step might be to stop trying to see things in a way that makes him look as good as possible, and try to start seeing them as they really are. In other words - he's really a cad, and she's not really a witch. She may not be someone you'd be friends with, or someone you'd admire in any way - but she's also not in any way your problem. She's a red herring. He's the problem here, and he's the one you have to deal with. If you want to be free of him, direct that fury and spite and disdain where it actually belongs. Trust me, that'll help enormously.

[GreenEyedLady]

I don't know - I agree that putting people on ignore who have nothing to say but insults is a useful thing to do...but I'm not sure that it isn't useful to point out to the OP that she's making a lot of assumptions about this man, his wife, his marriage, that she's coming down hard on someone she doesn't know because she's in pain and she wants to project it outward.

 

There's nothing wrong in pointing out respectfully...but there are plenty of posters on this forum who don't choose to use that strategy and those are the ones that when someone is in need of support, should be put on ignore...

[GreenEyedLady]

Thank you, Greeneyes And all the others that are supportive and understanding yet do let me kindly know I'm wrong. I know i'm wrong, no one needs to be bitter about it toward me. I never said I'm not wrong. Geez.

 

He and I are actually emailing each other now but we haven't really discussed his wife and her phone calls to me.

 

I think some of you aren't really thinking what a divorce is all about. It's not as easy as, "honey, I'm leaving, filing for a divorce, and that's it...it's over." I think something like this takes time. Some times people have to find someone else before they move on...hello, we're only human, and most of us humans are this way. IT's backbone support. Nothing wrong with that, that's just the way some people are.

 

I also do not see anything wrong with a married man or woman finding another man or woman to be with while married. To me, this is a sign that there's a problem and either it needs to be worked out, attempted to be worked out, or the marriage is over.

 

I just do not think for my guy to end his marriage is as easy as ending a relationship.

 

I want to be his friend and support him. I think what he needs the most is a friend--someone to listen to him and be there for him. His wife doesn't do that. To me, that is what makes a marriage strong--friendship and support. Without that, what is there? Sex? People can get sex with anyone, including themselves.

 

You've made a lot of valid points here, some of which some people will not agree with...But you seem to have thought it out and that's what's important...

 

Welcome!

[norajane]

To me, that is what makes a marriage strong--friendship and support. Without that, what is there? Sex? People can get sex with anyone, including themselves.

 

As long as he's not getting it from you, then you might have a prayer of not falling head over heels and ending up heartbroken. Otherwise, you're setting yourself up for a long road of pain.

[KATANYA]

I could not help but wonder what happened when your MM got caught a few months back with another OW? How did he handle it? How long had he been involved with the OW? Where is she in the picture now?

 

I ask these questions only because it seems to me your MM has a track record of becoming intimately involved with women very quickly and dispensing of them even more quickly (ex, wife, other OW.....now you!). I am not saying this to be rude but because you may want to weigh out for yourself how YOU are any different then all of these other women to him. Obviously, each of them have filled SOME void in his life and it sounds like he very much needs to always have SOMEONE in the wings. I'm not saying you are no different then these other women, maybe you are THE ONE for him and he for you but I'm just seeing red flags with how he seems to always have 'another one' waiting. Even you point out that if it were not you it would be someone else........how can that be if you were the ONE for him.

 

I know you say you want out but I don't think you are really 'there' yet. (Again, not a dig....we have all wanted OUT at some point but really couldn't take the leap!) And you wanting to be his 'friend' and 'backbone' will be VERY hard if you feel this much connection emotionally and physically (even with no sex yet?!) with him. What happens is that you now have two people (you and him) who are not objective.

 

As far as his W is concerned, I agree with you that you should not ask about her nor should you judge her.....I am assuming you have not met her and don't know her. Are you even sure she is what he says she is? Are you sure the child is not his? Are you sure they are financially strapped? Again, this is not in any way disrespecting you but so many women on this site have been lied to and mislead by their MM until they have become emotionally and physically hooked! Keep your eyes open and your heart protected because at the end of the roller coaster ride, there is usually only one prize that the OW gets.........a broken heart!

 

Hope your story is different!

[GirlZilla]

I think what is hard for you to understand is why a man who claims he is happy with you, would choose to stay unhappily married when he has an opportunity to have the life he wants with you. Unfortunately, regardless of how unhappy he is and how bleak of a future he sees with his wife - he chooses to stay married to her. So, the choice is now yours: continue to be this guy's 'other woman' and live from excuse to excuse he hands you for why he 'can't leave', or cut your losses and find a man who will move mountains for you, love you, and make you the 'only woman'.

 

 

BRILLIANT!!!!!!!

[Chrome Barracuda]

I'm not gonna be on her thread to encourage her to replace the wife or cheat with a married man.

 

But let's face facts here, 90% of men cheat it's to get sex, pure and simple!

 

If his wife came knocking on your door and he was standing right there next to her who do you think he would choose?

 

All that history and time and money and children they got together. You aint gonna get him to leave that. and if he do, what happens if he cheats on you.

 

So much for a soul mate huh?

 

I'm a dude and I can tell you how the story always if not ends.

 

Trust me this guy is lying to you about everything and your falling for it hook line and sinker. And whats' worse is you just dont seem to care.

 

How sad!

[Gwyneth]

No, the child is not his. I saw a picture of the child and clearly the child is not his. He's too old to be his and hers anyway.

 

I never said I want to be in a relationship with him. And just because I say he might be happy with me doesn't mean it's becuase he's unhappy with the wife. Don't most people find it a happier time to be with friends than the spouse they are unhappily married to?

 

I have not had sex with him nor do I plan on it. I have some grounds. He knows the deal--no sex until he leaves her. He also knows that if he wants to be with me, he has to leave her. But as I have said, I will be his friend and support him if he needs someone to talk to. I don't see the harm in that. He's allowed to have friends. He calls me. He pursued me. And as I have stated before, It's not all that easy to just pick up and leave your wife. Maybe for some it is, but there's a lot at stake here.

 

I also never made fun of her for having a manicurist job. I just wanted to clear that up. There's nothing wrong with that--he apparently feels there is.

[Chrome Barracuda]

No, the child is not his. I saw a picture of the child and clearly the child is not his. He's too old to be his and hers anyway.

 

I never said I want to be in a relationship with him. And just because I say he might be happy with me doesn't mean it's becuase he's unhappy with the wife. Don't most people find it a happier time to be with friends than the spouse they are unhappily married to?

 

I have not had sex with him nor do I plan on it. I have some grounds. He knows the deal--no sex until he leaves her. He also knows that if he wants to be with me, he has to leave her. But as I have said, I will be his friend and support him if he needs someone to talk to. I don't see the harm in that. He's allowed to have friends. He calls me. He pursued me. And as I have stated before, It's not all that easy to just pick up and leave your wife. Maybe for some it is, but there's a lot at stake here.

 

I also never made fun of her for having a manicurist job. I just wanted to clear that up. There's nothing wrong with that--he apparently feels there is.

 

 

But gwyen right now your justifying what your doing!

 

The child aint his? How do you know have you seen the DNA test?

 

I have rules?

 

Right there you say your only gonna sleep with him until he leaves.

 

Stop justifying bad behavior, leave him alone. Your treading too close to the danger zone!

[Gwyneth]

What I do not get is why I am being made out as the bad one here. I'm not the one cheating on my wife--he is. I have tried to stop this so many times but he isn't letting that happen, and plus I can't just avoid seeing him every day. He's part of my daily routine (he works where I need to go). I have tried avoiding him in that place but then I feel bad--I don't want to ignore him.

 

I'm not trying to justify my actions. And if it appears that way, I'm not trying to at least.

 

I know the child is not his. Why would he lie? Not all men lie, you know. The child is ten, and he's been with her only 2 years. His wife, her child, and he are of different ethnicities / races, which is how I can tell the child is not his. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure this one out. The kid's father was in the states as an illegal alien, but just went back home, and doesn't pay child support. He already knows that if I find out he lies to me about whatever that I will find a way to tell his wife--he knows I don't play games. Plus I could get him fired from his job big time...he knows that too. So, he's the one playing with fire because I have so much power over his life right now. Fired and divorced--and he said his job means more to him than anything. He is risking his marriage, but to play games with me and lie about his marriage and if the child is his would definitley mean I woud have to have him fired and tell the wife. It's just That simple.

[Chrome Barracuda]

What I do not get is why I am being made out as the bad one here. I'm not the one cheating on my wife--he is. I have tried to stop this so many times but he isn't letting that happen, and plus I can't just avoid seeing him every day. He's part of my daily routine (he works where I need to go). I have tried avoiding him in that place but then I feel bad--I don't want to ignore him.

 

I'm not trying to justify my actions. And if it appears that way, I'm not trying to at least.

 

I know the child is not his. Why would he lie? Not all men lie, you know. The child is ten, and he's been with her only 2 years. His wife, her child, and he are of different ethnicities / races, which is how I can tell the child is not his. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure this one out. The kid's father was in the states as an illegal alien, but just went back home, and doesn't pay child support. He already knows that if I find out he lies to me about whatever that I will find a way to tell his wife--he knows I don't play games. Plus I could get him fired from his job big time...he knows that too. So, he's the one playing with fire because I have so much power over his life right now. Fired and divorced--and he said his job means more to him than anything. He is risking his marriage, but to play games with me and lie about his marriage and if the child is his would definitley mean I woud have to have him fired and tell the wife. It's just That simple.

 

Right you aint cheating! he is! but your aiding and abetting! lol. Your the accomplice to the crime (of passion) for which it is...

 

Your in the fog, lets be honest. You may not be justifying but what are You doing to end this illict affair!!!??? Only You control yourself!!! You control your own actions!!! You say he wont stop! I've known woman that want things to stop make it stop. Dont be weak, do what must be done.

 

By what you said at the end, you seem to get this sick a distorted pleasure of holding his fate in your hands. What kind of woman does that, one that likes the idea of power, the one who likes to manipulate the story and pull the strings.

 

Gwyen the table of cards is gonna fall sooner or later. I'm just letting you know that now. What happens if his wife comes knocking on your door? She already got your number. Are you gonna be ready if the day comes?

[RecordProducer]

He says he doesn't feel bad about cheating, but doesn't want to get caught.

What a lovely person!

 

A part of me doesn't care about her because a woman did this to my mother when I was just an infant.

Was your mom the OW or the wife?

 

Also because he never gave me the opportunity to respect his marriage as he always puts his marriage down.

So your respect for others depends on what certain scumbags say about them? And you think you're more valuable than she if you have a Wall Street job. Did it ever cross your mind that she takes care of her child and probably cooks, cleans, and takes care of the scumbag she married? I can imagine a guy telling his prospective mistress "You're so great... my wife just does her nails... all day long... she sits on her big, fat ass, doesn't do anything; she just nags and eats and sleeps and spends my money..."

 

You won't believe how many women actually buy this crap. And you're one fo them too, because you don't have respect for his wife - basing on what he told you about her. This society was raised on the notion that those who were degraded should be equally respected. And here comes a woman who claims that if a man doesn't have respect for his wife - she doesn't either.

 

I would Never just jump into a marriage after knowing the man for hardly six months, while moving my child into a home with this man. That to me is incredible.

And I would never jump into an affair with a married man. To me, THAT is incredible. Apparently, she was stupid for marrying this peice of sh*t.

 

Two self-imagined big-shot wannabes discriminating a naive, unemployed, cheated woman. Looking for excuses to justify their actions.

 

You think you will have fun, but you'll end up wounded and humiliated when he gets bored of you and chooses his wife over you, after years of dragging you along. What kind of a compliment is that coming from a lear and a cheater who doesn't feel bad about it? If you're so good, why can't you find a man who will want only you? Why do you settle for being somebody's concubine?

 

You're putting yourself in a game, convinced that you can play and win. But what you fail to see is that you are the figure he controls - and he is the player.