The Wife Called me...

[GreenEyedLady]

What I do not get is why I am being made out as the bad one here. I'm not the one cheating on my wife--he is. I have tried to stop this so many times but he isn't letting that happen, and plus I can't just avoid seeing him every day. He's part of my daily routine (he works where I need to go). I have tried avoiding him in that place but then I feel bad--I don't want to ignore him.

 

I'm not trying to justify my actions. And if it appears that way, I'm not trying to at least.

 

I know the child is not his. Why would he lie? Not all men lie, you know. The child is ten, and he's been with her only 2 years. His wife, her child, and he are of different ethnicities / races, which is how I can tell the child is not his. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure this one out. The kid's father was in the states as an illegal alien, but just went back home, and doesn't pay child support. He already knows that if I find out he lies to me about whatever that I will find a way to tell his wife--he knows I don't play games. Plus I could get him fired from his job big time...he knows that too. So, he's the one playing with fire because I have so much power over his life right now. Fired and divorced--and he said his job means more to him than anything. He is risking his marriage, but to play games with me and lie about his marriage and if the child is his would definitley mean I woud have to have him fired and tell the wife. It's just That simple.

 

You don't have to justify anything...

 

I want to caution you about what you've written here...and maybe you don't mean it the way it is written, but...

 

Most of the OW here love their MM...and what you are describing above is more of a "power" R...Love and friendship is not about power...it is based on trust and mutual feelings...Why would you even think about getting him fired or holding anything over his head? That's just not right...

 

I would never, ever even consider doing anything that might hurt my partner...we are a true partnership, a team and hurting him is like hurting myself...

 

I caution you to think about what is really going on and your part in this...

[toomuchpain]

What I do not get is why I am being made out as the bad one here. I'm not the one cheating on my wife--he is. I have tried to stop this so many times but he isn't letting that happen, and plus I can't just avoid seeing him every day. He's part of my daily routine (he works where I need to go). I have tried avoiding him in that place but then I feel bad--I don't want to ignore him.

 

I'm not trying to justify my actions. And if it appears that way, I'm not trying to at least.

 

I know the child is not his. Why would he lie? Not all men lie, you know. The child is ten, and he's been with her only 2 years. His wife, her child, and he are of different ethnicities / races, which is how I can tell the child is not his. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure this one out. The kid's father was in the states as an illegal alien, but just went back home, and doesn't pay child support. He already knows that if I find out he lies to me about whatever that I will find a way to tell his wife--he knows I don't play games. Plus I could get him fired from his job big time...he knows that too. So, he's the one playing with fire because I have so much power over his life right now. Fired and divorced--and he said his job means more to him than anything. He is risking his marriage, but to play games with me and lie about his marriage and if the child is his would definitley mean I woud have to have him fired and tell the wife. It's just That simple.

 

 

Hi I have not logged on to have a go at you.

 

I am a BW and have and am dealing with all that entails.

 

Dont sell yourself short there is no need for you to do that.

No one is perfect we all know that but you have had the warning, you know where this is leading and you have to stop it.

It wont bring you happiness in the long term.

 

You state that not all men lie and that is true, but im afraid your MM does as do all MM in relationships with OW.

 

I have had to change mine and my childrens lifes completly over a short space of 3 months. I had to do what was right no matter how much it hurt and it hurts like hell everyday.

 

It can be done and if you want a life built on love trust respect then you know what you have to do.

 

Good luck.

[justice]

Wow...I come here for support on How to get out of this, and most of you are making me feel worse than I am. Thanks--such a Great group of human beings here. Does it make you feel any better by bashing me for the mistake I have admitted to? If you don't have anything nice to say, or supportive to say, then don't bother with the comments. I came here for the purpose of getting out of this situation. I admitted my wrongs, now I need help getting out. It's easier said than done...

 

Number one the mistake was yours for ever considering any kind of relationship with a married man. Number two, just because she does nails doens't mean she's less valuable of a person than you. And third and last, you came here seeking honest advice, and you are getting it. If you chose to listen to it, it's up to you, but if you can't take the heat get out of the fire. You should not be seeing a married man so that is on your head.

[Gwyneth]

What is a BW?

 

I Never said I'm better than her because I work on Wall Street. I said that he made the comparison between she and I and how I have a great job. I never supported him saying that. I could care less about their financial problems. I have my own.

 

I also never said I wanted to have him fired or tell his wife--he is just aware that this is a fact, as he brings it up quite often, that if he hurts me, he knows I could do these things to him. I would never--I'm not an evil person. I have some values.

 

I never intended or even imagined having an affair with a married man. I have always put down women who have engaged in such affairs. Never say Never though, because you just do not know what you will do in your future. I have said I would never do many things that I ended up doing--ie. smoking cigarettes, driving an SUV, getting myself into stupid debt, etc. We are all human and don't write her claiming that you people would Never consider doing this to another person's spouse because believe me--if it's the right moment, you will. Temptation is so amazingly powerful--it kind of changes who you are for a moment. Yes, I chose to be in this situation, but I also came here to seek advice on how to disengage myself from this situation. I have gotten nothing but criticism from a handful of you. I know I'm wrong--I didn't come here to be told over and over that I'm wrong and a horrible person. I'm not directly trying to justify my actions. Aren't we all defensive at times, though?

 

Some of you have a really bad way of putting things in words.

[Havn_a_life]

I'm sure some posters on here have had opportunities to cheat on their spouses, etc.

I have, but I value myself, my children and my M to my H more than my vagina.

 

It's easy when you look at it that way, to just say no to a M person.

 

btw, BW stands for betrayed wife.

[whichwayisup]

Temptation is so amazingly powerful--it kind of changes who you are for a moment. Yes, I chose to be in this situation, but I also came here to seek advice on how to disengage myself from this situation. I have gotten nothing but criticism from a handful of you. I know I'm wrong--I didn't come here to be told over and over that I'm wrong and a horrible person. I'm not directly trying to justify my actions. Aren't we all defensive at times, though?

 

Okay the bottomline is this. IF you really want the affair over, you'll do all that is necessary to end it. You tell him you don't want to be the OW and it would be easier for you (and him) if the friendship ended completely (as you cannot stay 'friends' with someone you've had an affair with, or are inlove with, it just doesn't work), and to go no contact.

 

Then, you cry, grieve and do all that you can to get over him. Respect the NC, it's there for a reason.

[Havn_a_life]

If she wants to impress me, she should dup the MM and find a single man.

One who doesn't have a W and kids waiting at home.

[BlueEyedSarah]

I think your the one who is going to have to end it. He is married, means hands off! If he was divorced then maybe, but he isnt, he is still married...

[Gwyneth]

People...do you read only what you Want to see? I NEVER said anything bad about her being a manicurist. I said He made the point about me having a better job...I also come with a lot of debt (student loans, grad classes, etc.). I NEVER put myself on a higher ranking than her because she does nails...never ever.

 

I'm weak, I'll admit that. I don't like being the dumper, but the dumpee. I have Always had a hard time breaking things off, including friendships with friends who have betrayed me. I just have a forgiving heart that always sees a positive in a negative. I know, I'm retarded...

 

However, he knows that the minute I find out she is pregnant, it's OVER. I will Not be the OW when there is a child involved. Nope...nope..NOPE. That to me is more serious than just a marriage. I know, I'm being retarded again, but children are so special and innocent. Yes, she has a child from a previous marriage, I do understand how this will effect this child, but he is not this guy's child. To me this makes a difference. I woud be devestated if my step father cheated on my mother, but let me tell you...I was secretly excited when my step mother cheated on my father since she was the OW in my father and mother's marriage.

 

The wife though abuses him..did I mention this? She hits him and kicks him. Okay, I can understand she gets upset about whatever, but Abuse is NEVER the answer. I feel kind of bad for him. Does he hit her? I don't know--probably in defense, but abuse is not something I intend to engage in. My step mother abused me emotionally and mentall...no fun.

 

I think if you are truly committed to your marriage and family, and if you truly love your spouse, you just woudln't cheat. Fantasysing (sp) and cheating are two different things.

 

What about polygamists and swingers? What makes it okay for a woman to have sex with a swinger, but not a regular married man? Ever wonder about this?

[nittygritty]

People...do you read only what you Want to see? I NEVER said anything bad about her being a manicurist. I said He made the point about me having a better job...I also come with a lot of debt (student loans, grad classes, etc.). I NEVER put myself on a higher ranking than her because she does nails...never ever.

 

I'm weak, I'll admit that. I don't like being the dumper, but the dumpee. I have Always had a hard time breaking things off, including friendships with friends who have betrayed me. I just have a forgiving heart that always sees a positive in a negative. I know, I'm retarded...

 

However, he knows that the minute I find out she is pregnant, it's OVER. I will Not be the OW when there is a child involved. Nope...nope..NOPE. That to me is more serious than just a marriage. I know, I'm being retarded again, but children are so special and innocent. Yes, she has a child from a previous marriage, I do understand how this will effect this child, but he is not this guy's child. To me this makes a difference. I woud be devestated if my step father cheated on my mother, but let me tell you...I was secretly excited when my step mother cheated on my father since she was the OW in my father and mother's marriage.

 

The wife though abuses him..did I mention this? She hits him and kicks him. Okay, I can understand she gets upset about whatever, but Abuse is NEVER the answer. I feel kind of bad for him. Does he hit her? I don't know--probably in defense, but abuse is not something I intend to engage in. My step mother abused me emotionally and mentall...no fun.

 

I think if you are truly committed to your marriage and family, and if you truly love your spouse, you just woudln't cheat. Fantasysing (sp) and cheating are two different things.

 

What about polygamists and swingers? What makes it okay for a woman to have sex with a swinger, but not a regular married man? Ever wonder about this?

 

 

Is he looking for someone to financially support him? Why would it matter to him which one of you had the higher paying job?

 

Your ignoring MAJOR red flags. Its almost like you'd be okay with having a dead man in your bed just so long as he visits every so often.

 

Set your goals a little higher up on the food chain than this. This guy has nothing to offer you but his problems. Why would you want a man like that?

 

You should be looking for a reciprocating relationship. He is unavailable and has no problem dragging you down with his problems that he has no plans to do anything about.

[Gwyneth]

I never said I want him. I merely came here for advice on how to get out of this.

[Impudent Oyster]

I never said I want him. I merely came here for advice on how to get out of this.

 

And you've gotten it...you just don't want to take that advice.

 

I don't think you want to get out of it, it's easily done, so what's stopping you?

[bish]

I never said I want him. I merely came here for advice on how to get out of this.

 

Uh....leave the R....

[nittygritty]

I never said I want him. I merely came here for advice on how to get out of this.

 

Tell him not to ever contact you again.

[Gwyneth]

Yes, I know. Except, I have to deal with him every day, as I have said before. There is No way for me to get around this. That's where the problem lays--the fact that he's an every day part of my life.

[whichwayisup]

However, he knows that the minute I find out she is pregnant, it's OVER. I will Not be the OW when there is a child involved. Nope...nope..NOPE. That to me is more serious than just a marriage. I know, I'm being retarded again, but children are so special and innocent. Yes, she has a child from a previous marriage, I do understand how this will effect this child, but he is not this guy's child. To me this makes a difference. I woud be devestated if my step father cheated on my mother, but let me tell you...I was secretly excited when my step mother cheated on my father since she was the OW in my father and mother's marriage.

 

Don't you think this kid looks up to his step father? For 2+ years he's been part of the family. Just because he's not blood related, doesn't mean that your MM doesn't think of him like a son. They all live together, that makes them a family.

 

The wife though abuses him..did I mention this? She hits him and kicks him. Okay, I can understand she gets upset about whatever, but Abuse is NEVER the answer. I feel kind of bad for him. Does he hit her? I don't know--probably in defense, but abuse is not something I intend to engage in. My step mother abused me emotionally and mentall...no fun.

 

Have you actually seen this with your own eyes? Or is this what he's told you?

And, you think he may be hitting her? Even in self defense, it is WRONG! If he is being abused, then he should get out the marriage. To stay and allow that behaviour is HIS problem, let alone the fact IF he is hitting her, HE is also abusing HER. Sick..(That is, if any of that is true)

[whichwayisup]

--the fact that he's an every day part of my life

 

You're an adult. Do the adult thing and take responsibility. Make some tough choices and EXCLUDE him from the 'every part of your life'. Stop putting all this on him, that you're too weak to say no...You don't want to BE the dumper, you prefer to be the dumpee. That's an excuse because you don't want to be the bad guy and stand up for yourself. Sorry if I'm sounding harsh here, but Gwen, if you want your life to be happier, and healthier, then DO something about it. To stay the OW in his life, even the friendship part of it - Isn't good for you. He will hang on to you as long as you let him... He will put up with whatever crap is going on at home because YOUR friendship with him makes it easier for him to cope. He won't end it because HE is has it all now. A wife at home, family life, a roof over his head....Then he has you to meet his other needs.

[Gwyneth]

Believe me when I say I am Not meeting his other needs. I am not having sexual relations with him, if that is what you mean. Yes, he kissed me once, but that was it. NOw it's more of an emotional thing. So he likes me...I might like him...it's a difficult situation and we are all in a bad situation. Escape--sure, because that's so easy. I try, and am trying. I'm trying to be strong but when it comes to men, I've always been weak. I do not know why, but I know I need to learn How to not be so weak. I'm not easy--I have values when it comes to my body. I don't just sleep with anyone. I never have and never will. I don't want to be a part of a marriage of another man and woman...I never wanted that for me. I have so much going for me...career, happiness, great health, etc.

 

I get that this child looks up to him as a dad, but to me it's different than a bio child. Why? I do not know--I guess because I have always been a step-kid and was also the child whose parent was cheating on the other parent. So, I lived it all. I turned out okay though. Maybe me being in this twisted affair though is a result of my upbringing. Maybe this is me now reacting to me back then. I don't know--seems like Anything and Every thing I say is some kind of excuse...maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

[GreenEyedLady]

If she wants to impress me, she should dup the MM and find a single man.

One who doesn't have a W and kids waiting at home.

 

Why would she need to impress you? Who are you?

[GreenEyedLady]

Believe me when I say I am Not meeting his other needs. I am not having sexual relations with him, if that is what you mean. Yes, he kissed me once, but that was it. NOw it's more of an emotional thing. So he likes me...I might like him...it's a difficult situation and we are all in a bad situation. Escape--sure, because that's so easy. I try, and am trying. I'm trying to be strong but when it comes to men, I've always been weak. I do not know why, but I know I need to learn How to not be so weak. I'm not easy--I have values when it comes to my body. I don't just sleep with anyone. I never have and never will. I don't want to be a part of a marriage of another man and woman...I never wanted that for me. I have so much going for me...career, happiness, great health, etc.

 

Maybe me being in this twisted affair though is a result of my upbringing. Maybe this is me now reacting to me back then. I don't know--seems like Anything and Every thing I say is some kind of excuse...maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

 

I'm going to give you some advice...Don't worry about justifying yourself...They'll never let up...Decide what you really want and learn not to care what others think...

 

It could be that he'll eventually leave his M and when he separates, you can begin a R...There's nothing wrong with that...Leave the naysayers to do what they do best...

 

GEL

[torranceshipman]

Hey Gwyneth,

 

If you need advice on how to get out of this - and you say its hard cause he's a part of your life (you work together?) - well, here's my advice. My ex 'MM' (had a common law wife anyways) was also my boss and long standing 'family friend'...turns out he was no friend as he lied to me and his girlfriend, and it was pretty pathetic when I found out what a sad loser he really was! When you find out a man has no integrity, character or backbone, then where's the attraction? Me and my friends laugh about it now, I am so shamed that I was involved with such a hideous bloke lol, but at the time he sucked me in and lied a lot, and was very manipulative, and I believed those lies for a while, about him supposedly leaving his girlfriend and making the decision to be honest etc etc.

 

But when I saw the light after he acted like a retard, and realised he was totally lying -I ended it, the crap hit the fan and...we then worked together for another 6 months. Cause I'd made the decision to move on, it was perfectly do-able - for me anyway, although he stayed pretty bitter! I'm dating a hottie now, we are having a great time, life is great, and that whole experience told me that there are weak, negative people out there, who have no problem lying and becoming emotional leeches just to get their little kicks. It was a big learning experience for me - I'd NEVER get into a situation like that again, and I still feel bad for his girlfriend-she could do a lot better and she still doesnt know the truth.

 

Walk away for goodness sake, he's making you miserable, making you compromise who you are, making you lower your standards, take on his emotional crap....just ditch the idiot and carry on working with him - I did, I saw my ex every day for that 6 months but whatever, it was do-able....be strong, do it for respect - for you, for the W and for that poor kid. Its not the kids fault that he/she isnt the biological kid - doesnt matter what your take is, that kid still looks at that man and thinks thats my dad, and you're helping to jeopardise that...I bet you're a nice person but right now you're struggling trying to justify all this, and its a struggle cause its making you feel bad about yourself - once you get out you'll think God, I can't believe I let that happen.

 

So my advice...just get out now, and doesnt matter how closely you work together or whatever - it 100% can be done (still working together) if you make the decision to move on. You just have to be really strong and do it. No mean feat, but you can do it and you'll then be proud of yourself. Plus I look back now and think...thank GOD I didnt end up with that guy, talk about being careful about what you wish for. It was a lucky escape for me, and if you dump him, and start dating cute single guys, very soon you'll feel exactly the same as me! (-:

[bish]

However, he knows that the minute I find out she is pregnant, it's OVER.

 

Well...for a guy that is supposedly abused by her and can't stand her...he sure likes having sex with her don't he?

 

What about polygamists and swingers? What makes it okay for a woman to have sex with a swinger, but not a regular married man? Ever wonder about this?

 

Because the regular MM made a committment to his wife....swingers can go f#ck each other all they want til their hearts are content and have no right to complain about it.

[NoIDidn't]

I never said I want him. I merely came here for advice on how to get out of this.

 

I'm going to give you some advice...Don't worry about justifying yourself...They'll never let up...Decide what you really want and learn not to care what others think...

 

It could be that he'll eventually leave his M and when he separates, you can begin a R...There's nothing wrong with that...Leave the naysayers to do what they do best...

 

GEL

 

GEL

 

I really don't understand your posts sometimes. Gwyneth has stated in the above quote that she came here looking for how to GET OUT of the A, not justify it. Yet, all she has done is make excuses for staying by repeating what he has said about his W and stepson as if it was a justification for the wavering.

 

She said she doesn't want him. She said she wants out. Why does it seem like you are trying to give her the typical false hope that he MIGHT leave and then she can have him? That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. She said she doesn't want him.

 

How does giving her the advice that she purports to want, but then tries to wiggle out of, make others naysayers? I don't see how that was helpful.

[Havn_a_life]

People...do you read only what you Want to see? I NEVER said anything bad about her being a manicurist. I said He made the point about me having a better job...I also come with a lot of debt (student loans, grad classes, etc.). I NEVER put myself on a higher ranking than her because she does nails...never ever.

 

I'm weak, I'll admit that. I don't like being the dumper, but the dumpee. I have Always had a hard time breaking things off, including friendships with friends who have betrayed me. I just have a forgiving heart that always sees a positive in a negative. I know, I'm retarded...

 

However, he knows that the minute I find out she is pregnant, it's OVER. I will Not be the OW when there is a child involved. Nope...nope..NOPE. That to me is more serious than just a marriage. I know, I'm being retarded again, but children are so special and innocent. Yes, she has a child from a previous marriage, I do understand how this will effect this child, but he is not this guy's child. To me this makes a difference. I woud be devestated if my step father cheated on my mother, but let me tell you...I was secretly excited when my step mother cheated on my father since she was the OW in my father and mother's marriage.

 

The wife though abuses him..did I mention this? She hits him and kicks him. Okay, I can understand she gets upset about whatever, but Abuse is NEVER the answer. I feel kind of bad for him. Does he hit her? I don't know--probably in defense, but abuse is not something I intend to engage in. My step mother abused me emotionally and mentall...no fun.

 

I think if you are truly committed to your marriage and family, and if you truly love your spouse, you just woudln't cheat. Fantasysing (sp) and cheating are two different things.

 

What about polygamists and swingers? What makes it okay for a woman to have sex with a swinger, but not a regular married man? Ever wonder about this?

 

Oh, and him cheating on her isn't going to be emotionally abusive to her? please!

I'd beat his a*ss too!

[Havn_a_life]

I'm going to give you some advice...Don't worry about justifying yourself...They'll never let up...Decide what you really want and learn not to care what others think...

 

It could be that he'll eventually leave his M and when he separates, you can begin a R...There's nothing wrong with that...Leave the naysayers to do what they do best...

 

GEL

 

Yep, I'm sure he's tired of all those beatings he's getting from the wife and he's juussstt about ready to pack it in.