Can we live together but remain separated?

[MiaSydney]

My husband and i have been good friends all our lives (we were family friends and knew eachother as kids). We have a 3 year old son.

 

Due to realising we are very different people, have different lifestyles and are growing in different directions, AND finding it increasingly difficult to get along, let alone enjoy a sex life, we recently separated for a month (mutual decision).

 

This impacted on all of us, our son was extremely sad not waking up with dad every day etc. My husband is the best dad in the world and it really hurt him to be away from his son, as it would me.

 

While we were apart, our relationship improved immensely. The bickering and arguing completely stopped, we were being respectful and considerate to eachother, we even went on a few outings as a family and it went really well.

 

A week ago we decided to get back together and make it work, and already the bickering and arguing has begun again.

 

Im wondering if it can work, to stay together in the same house but be separated? I understand that my son would not be getting a good example of what a 'happily married' family is like, but if we were to stay married but fight all the time as many couples do, isnt that worse? At least if we stayed together, he would be getting both his parents all the time.

 

I am really concious of the importance of a father in his son's life (or daughter for that matter). I dont want to separate them, but i also find being apart from my son for long periods unbearable also.

 

Is anyone in a situation like this? I guess if my husband or i were to meet someone else and want to start a life with them, then we would possibly need to reconsider the situation. But for now, it feels right and my son comes before anything, for myself and my husband.

 

Please comment! : )

[Lizzie60]

Is anyone in a situation like this? I guess if my husband or i were to meet someone else and want to start a life with them, then we would possibly need to reconsider the situation. But for now, it feels right and my son comes before anything, for myself and my husband.

 

I think it is doable.. you have experienced the separation and it works better.. so why not give this new experiment a try...

 

What I find odd though... is that you say your son comes before anything unless there is a new person in your life or your husband's life.

 

Why can't the option of an 'open marriage' be looked into... if your child comes first... as you say?

[Gunny376]

Locally ~ I know of a couple like the two of you? That did the divorce thing ~ and when they told their children the oldest ~ 12 ~ told them!

 

"You do what you have to do, and what you like ~ but?!

 

I need my Mama and Daddy~ here everyday!

 

They're back together ~ not as Husband and Wife. She dated one loser, and another psycho!

 

Sounds like the two of you need to just give things a "rest"

 

Just work on being friends and being parents for now?!

 

No sex, no dating! The last thing you need to do is get emotionally involved with anyone ~ you need to give yourself a good two years of "breathing~time"

 

Time to "air-out" and just learn how to exhale again!

 

I realize that two whole years sound like a long time ~ but its really not!

 

Give yourself the gift of two years of figuring out who and what you're about ~ of slowing down ~ taking time out to just smell the roses! Appreciate the sunshine, the morning dew, etc.

 

I'd make a lousy divorce lawyer! I'd tell my clients? Get back with me in two years!

 

If I were you? I'd just chill the Hell out! Let him do what he will. Its not about him? Its about figuring out YOU!

 

GO SLOW!

 

Walking across a "mine-field" slow!

 

Slow down there "Kitten" ~ You're trying to live your life way, way too fast!

 

Live "Life" on your terms!

 

YOUR the one that decides what to put in ~ and what to leave out? YOUR the one ~ that's responsible for your HAPPINESS! You and you alone are the one in charge of putting a smile on your face ~ EACH AND EVERY DAY!

[White Flower]

Is anyone in a situation like this? I guess if my husband or i were to meet someone else and want to start a life with them, then we would possibly need to reconsider the situation. But for now, it feels right and my son comes before anything, for myself and my husband.

 

Please comment! : )

 

Hi MiaSydney,

 

I am in a situation like this. I suggested having an open marriage, but he cannot accept this. He says he wants to work on the M, yet will not go to MC or even talk to me. He is in limbo and is bringing the entire family into limbo with him. We no longer sleep in the same bed and the kids know we're going through tough times. Without an agreement of being separated and living under the same roof we are just two ships passing in the night. I continue to try communicating with him, but he is just not ready to deal with it.

 

I would strongly suggest coming up with an agreement that you both can live with. Don't put this off because you don't want to end up in limbo like me. I can see the value of living together for your child's sake, yet being separate in order to figure out what you want and where to go next.

[RecordProducer]

No sex, no dating! The last thing you need to do is get emotionally involved with anyone ~ you need to give yourself a good two years of "breathing~time"

No sex and love for two years?! You must be joking.

 

I don't think it can work. It's too painful to live like that and, as you said, not a good example for the child. I would suggest you move to houses that are very close to each other (within 10 min or so) and then be good friends. The child is small and will get used to it. He will be happy as long as he has both parents and they are not arguing all the time. The smaller the child the more easily he adapts. You should share custody and be very cooperative with each other.

 

Regarding reconsidering the situation when you meet someone, it just doesn't go that way. You won't meet anyone for as long as you live with your husband. Plus, moving out and stressing the child just because you met someone else doesn't sound healthy. If you split, it should be because of you two, not a third party. How would you feel if your husband was leaving the house to meet another woman, just to tell you a month later that he will leave (or even worse kick you out)?

 

While things are still civil and friendly, go through the divorce process (unless you want to work on the marriage) and decide on custody. Later down the road, he might fall in love with someone else and do things that he wouldn't have done. Men change when they fall in love - the ex doesn't exist anymore.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. A week ago we decided to get back together and make it work, and already the bickering and arguing has begun again.

 

2. Im wondering if it can work, to stay together in the same house but be separated?

 

3. At least if we stayed together, he would be getting both his parents all the time.

 

4. I am really concious of the importance of a father in his son's life (or daughter for that matter). I dont want to separate them, but i also find being apart from my son for long periods unbearable also.

 

5. Is anyone in a situation like this?

 

6. I guess if my husband or i were to meet someone else and want to start a life with them, then we would possibly need to reconsider the situation.

 

1. Whose idea was it? Yours, his? 100% mutual? The reason I ask is...

 

2. It can only work if both of you are 100% on the same page about how you feel about each other, and how comfortable you are making the transition from H/W to 'family members only'. If you and he love each other only as family, and there are no latent sexual or romantic feelings then it can work amicably. It did for me and my stbxH - we lived together for a while after separating so that he would be able to take advantage of the cheap rent at our place, and save up for this townhouse he wanted. We lived like that for nearly two years, and it worked just fine - however, once he got his place he was happy to move out and have his own place to call his own. It was weird, and kind of scary thinking of the implications of being separate like that - the whole 'part time parent' thing, the whole 'will I ever speak to this person again' thing... I won't say it was 100% easy making that transition, but I'm glad we did.

 

3. True, but when stbxH moved out - he didn't move far, and we have keys to each other's place (stbxH and I are still very close in that family way I mentioned - so there's nothing unusual really about this arrangement for us). Neither of us goes a day without seeing our daughter, unless she goes out of town with her grandmother or on a weekend trip with one of us out of town. I guess it works for us, because we are still close and have no problem being around one another, so we don't do the 'alternating weeks' thing - we do the 'every day we see each other and our daughter' thing. It works really well for us. Him moving out did not affect either of our lives as parents really, and there have been no negative effects on our daughter. She just saw it as getting a cool new place to hang out with her dad in when she is with him.

 

4. Why would it be long periods of time? I was afraid of that too, but it didn't happen that way.

 

5. I was. Cohabitation worked just fine. It was like living with any other family member. Its rare for it to work that way though - we were on the same page, and it worked for us. Sometimes we weren't on the same page, and it would get weird and hard - sometimes depressing. It won't be easy all the time.

 

6. He and I have moved on in our personal life, but it hasn't effected our lives as parents/friends. It is nice to have our own places to allow for emotional growth with someone else, while knowing that your role as a parent and friend to said parent won't suffer as a result.

 

That said, I would not suggest living with your H if you and he are doing it only for your child, and there are latent feelings there lurking about. stbxH lived together because we genuinely like each other, and it worked until we were comfortable with the split (knowing that being divorced/living separate wouldn't affect our bond as family/friends/parenting partners).

[MiaSydney]

Thank you all for taking the time to advise me, i really appreciate it as i dont know anyone in this kind of situation. I guess its comforting to know that it can work, or at least, that it can work with both parents seeing the child every day but from different homes.

 

This would be the most ideal situation, living really close in 2 homes, but my husband insists we could not afford that, and would be living with some single friends he knows if we were to separate (he would have a room set up at his parents/my inlaws house for our son, but my husband wouldnt live with them, only stay there on weekends that he has our son etc).

 

These single guys are part of my husbands band and so he spends a lot of time with them anyway (a couple nights a week). My husband is one of those people that doesnt enjoy being alone, at least not for long. He often takes our son to the band's house and my son enjoys it, although its not appropriate for him to stay there overnight etc.

 

Back to living together for our son's sake. I'll admit that it will be silly to make an arrangement that one of us moves out when we find someone. My son does come first, yet heres where im really confused:will him seeing me in a relationship where i am happy with someone else, and the same goes for his dad, benefit him more than us being together and just 'ok' with eachother, with no open affection etc?

 

I do 'like' my husband, im aware of his good points, and he is the best father i know. Im sure he likes me, but we have grown apart so much, its quite a typical scenario....with age he seems to have become more 'judgmental' and 'ignorant' to things and people, whereby in the beginning he was not this way at all. I have gone the opposite and am more open to new things, and feel like i am expanding in awareness as im getting older. Basically theres no intelectual stimulation for me in the relationship, and in order for me to be turned on sexually, i feel i need that.

 

I find im sexually attracted to other more intelligent men.....i know that must sound really pretentious, im really not proud of it at all, but i cant lie to myself anymore about the way i feel. I have denied it for ages. For all i know, he is attracted to women who can relate to him more.

 

We are about to go to counselling. Its my last hope at maybe reigniting some kind of desire in my husband to once again open his mind and at least be open to new things, or at least helping me to accept him and not need mental stimulation so much in my marriage, but through other means (i have friends who i can relate to but it doesnt feel like its the same!)

 

Once again, your comments are welcome and very valued!

[LucreziaBorgia]

My son does come first, yet heres where im really confused:will him seeing me in a relationship where i am happy with someone else, and the same goes for his dad, benefit him more than us being together and just 'ok' with eachother, with no open affection etc?

 

Your son will benefit more from having two happily separated parents in emotionally healthy relationships, than to have two parents together in an emotionally devoid relationship. My daughter did not have trouble with the transition when I started seeing someone new. She does not see my relationship with my boyfriend as having any negative impact on the "mom and dad" relationship of her parents. There is not a sense of him replacing her dad, or even coming close to that. I think the problem kids have with someone new in their parent's life comes more from that sense of the threat of parental replacement. If your child sees that your life with a new person is not a replacement, but rather an entirely NEW relationship then it will be a lot smoother going.

 

If you do go the living together for a while route, be open with your kid about it. We told our daughter long before the time to move out got there. By the time her dad got his new place, she was accustomed to the idea of us being separated and saw him moving out as 'gaining another home' rather than 'breaking the one we had'.