Can't believe what I found about addict hubby!

[julkat]

Things have been going along pretty quitely. Since Thanksgiving, he hasn't been back (by the way, there wasn't anyone in the house but me when I asked him to leave, and I did take advice to not invite him back).

 

He stopped calling the kids and I since then. A week ago I received a credit card charge on one of our business acccounts for an online account. I called and asked him about it, and got a load of crap from him. I decided to log into his email - haven't done this in months. I used to check his email for him - he's not terribly computer savvy.

 

Seems the boy has been learning. I found that he has accounts at a russian bride online site, at least four dating sites, and had online sex just this morning. The dates on the threads are long before I even found out about the extent of his drug use.

 

I feel totally stunned. I guess I felt that things were in my control, and I'm starting to feel out of control. Up until now, I still felt that if he could turn the drinking and drugs around there might be a chance for us to mend this broken 20 year relationship. But I feel like I've just been dealt a deal breaker. We haven't been intimate much in the past 4 years (maybe only 4 times), but I actually thought we were just in a slump, and what alcoholic/addict really feels like having sex. Looks like I'm the only one going without sex here.

 

What really slays me is that he has given me such a hard time about having gained weight since the kids and two car accidents changed my body. I am overweight, but I did run a marathon in the spring so I'm not an out-of-shape overweight. I'm told I'm very attractive, blah blah blah. Anyway, his profile indicates that any size of woman is ok for him. Since when!!

 

I'm pissed off. Can't believe I've been trying so hard to save us. I feel like such an idiot.

 

GRRRRRR

 

Has anyone ever hired a private investigator to determine the extent of a spouses cheating? Maybe it's just online stuff? I that better than for-real cheating?

 

Maybe I should finally accept that my head and my heart say two different things and I have to stop feeling so I can start dealing with it.

[RecordProducer]

I am sorry about the car accidents.

 

You asked him to leave so you're separated now, right? So he decided to use the freedom and put his profile online. Nothing will happen, he won't meet anybody. And how can you know that any size is good for him? Don't read too much into what he writes on the dating sites. Regarding the online sex, it's ONLINE. Not real sex.

 

I've been through one divorce and will possibly go through another. I say, stop thinking about him. After 20 years of crap it shouldn't be so difficult. If you should reconcile, it has to be HIM who will beg you to take him back, so that you can set the terms - no drugs or booze. And in order that he chases you, you need to get him out of your mind.

 

Turn to yourself, start dating guys, enjoy the freedom, start a new hobby, have fun with your friends, meet new people, try new things. You might meet some guy, some serious and reliable person and not want to take your husband back. Your life shouldn't revolve around him.

 

If you were your sister, would you advise yourself to stay married to an addict?

[Bobby NoBrains]

Your situation is prolly coming as a shock to you because while you were preparing for one set of problems, you're getting more "attacks" about other things. I think you need to get over this man, which is easier said than done, but from what you say he's a real piece of work. On top of his addiction, now it seems he's got a second life, and who knows how many more and for how long. Don't try to understand everything that is happening. Sometimes life gives us problems that are outside our control. Accepting them as being outside your control will help you deal with it in a better way, because you will not blame yourself for his problems and will be able to deal with them objectively.

 

What you need to do is put yourself first in this situation. First take care of yourself and your kids. Be the responsible and normal parent, and get yourself and the kids out of this mess asap. Even if you want to help your husband, you are in no state at this time to deal with the increasing problems he has going on. Leave him to his fate for a bit. Protect yourself. Separate your bank accounts asap, and make sure you are not vulnerable to him in any manner. If necessary take the help of family and friends to make sure that even if he has to have access to your kids it is supervised or at least only when he is in a normal state and make sure he doesn't access the kids in an intoxicated state. Bring friends and family into your situation as soon as you can. They are usually a great help at least for a while until you get your situation back to normal for yourself. There's prolly more you should do but I've never been in a situation like this so I don't know what other advice to offer. But if I had a friend in this situation, the above is what I would advise. Good luck to you.

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby