MemoryLane Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Ok here's the deal: My friend "James" and I got into a girl, "Lauren" at the same time. We both met her the same night at a party, and both got her number the same night. He confessed his fascination to her that very night (he is always very emotional about it), so I dispatched it as him being him. I was going to give it two days to make myself not seem too desperate about her. The very next day he jumps on the opportunity and asks to hang out, so whatever, they hang out and get to know each other (talk to each other for 6 hours straight) while I'm kicking myself at home wishing I would have been the one to initiate it all. So they start to get involved, and I backed down because he already called "dibs". So I just let it go. They thought about dating but she just got done with a long term relationship, so they were never dating. He and her have been intimate (no sex). They had some drama which turned her off and made her notice he's not the one for her, but she has now focused all of her attention to me. She opened her heart up to me and confessed that she's liked me even moreso than my best friend...and that she knows it won't work with him but wishes she can have something with me. I've both happy and saddened by the news. I feel like I can't act on my impulse. I've never felt this way about someone else. We share so much in common and can have very deep and heart-felt conversations. I just don't know what to do. I value my friendship with the guy (even though if I met him right now he wouldn't be my friend for more than a month, he takes advantage of me as a friend and knows that because I've known him for so long that I'll always be there), but at the same time, I feel like I'm falling in love with the girl, and she has the same feelings about me. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
StaringContest Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 This sounds like a situation a couple buddies of mine had. One met this girl and really liked her. They hung out a bit (though nothing close to what your friend and his girl did). The girl didn't really like him. She liked my other friend. She and other friend started dating. They dated for awhile, but they've been broken up for at least 2 years now. I can tell the first guy is still bothered by it to this day, and he still holds a lot of resentment. You could ruin your friendship. You just have to decide which is more important to you. Link to post Share on other sites
confused_days Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 This is a situation of bros or hoes Its totally up to you and how you value your friendship etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MemoryLane Posted October 21, 2007 Author Share Posted October 21, 2007 You could ruin your friendship. You just have to decide which is more important to you. Which is what I'm worried about. I feel such a connection with this woman, and on top of that, my friend in the past year or so hasn't been the best friend he's always been. He's indecisive and doesn't follow through on plans we have to hang out. I have more best friends, but I don't want to be a jerk and just outright abandon him for this girl. I'm just completely stuck....and it's terrible. Link to post Share on other sites
StaringContest Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Let me remind you that you'll be breaking man law #1. I don't think the fact that he hasn't been the same for the last year is a valid reason to break it. He's still your friend, and if he's been your friend for a long time, he'll probably stick around longer than this girl will. Besides that, I don't like the sound of some girl who'd get physical with one guy and then confess her "feelings" for the guy's friend. Seems low class and tacky. I don't trust a girl who'd do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MemoryLane Posted October 21, 2007 Author Share Posted October 21, 2007 Let me remind you that you'll be breaking man law #1. I don't think the fact that he hasn't been the same for the last year is a valid reason to break it. He's still your friend, and if he's been your friend for a long time, he'll probably stick around longer than this girl will. Besides that, I don't like the sound of some girl who'd get physical with one guy and then confess her "feelings" for the guy's friend. Seems low class and tacky. I don't trust a girl who'd do that. Yeah true, but she THOUGHT he was great until after they became intimate and all this drama started with the two of them, and she was fed up, but only stuck with it because she kept wanting to see me (we'd all party together). I don't know. She wants us to meet up (without his consent) to talk over the feelings together (I'm choosing a public place so that we don't let our feelings get the both of us). Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedSarah Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 If you date this girl it will hurt your friend and you may even lose your friend. Plus if you date this girl she may not stick around. She just came out of a long term relationship, sounds like she is just looking for a rebound. Plus she is going with your friend, yet she tells you her feelings for you? I don't trust this chick. I think you should let your friend have the work, if they break up you can be there to comfort your friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MemoryLane Posted October 21, 2007 Author Share Posted October 21, 2007 Keep in mind they aren't dating at all. They're just "a thing". There's going to be no breaking up, they'll either start dating (which she's not down with) or they'll stop messing around. And not to mention I had friends with benefits with another girl (including sex, mind you) for about 3 months. As soon as we were done with everything, my "best friend" cuddled/made out with her at a party and basically betrayed me, so he has broken man law before I've had the chance to. I feel like he has what's coming to him. I was very easy on him about messing with a previous girl of mine (and not resorting into taking him to the ground), so maybe he'll have the same decency? Link to post Share on other sites
DazedandConfused66 Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 There is no clean solution to this problem. If you date her, there is at least a 90% (or higher) chance that you'll lose your friend. Worse, he'll conjure up all sorts of accusations that you intentionally lured her away and it'll get ugly. Unfortunately, as you've claimed he's the "emotional" type, I see this going 8 colors of ugly in a heartbeat. Life is filled with choices. Possible love/affection from a girl you don't know yet (and who doesn't like your friend) or long-lasting and loyal friendship are your two choices here. You can't pick both. Even if you DID manage to woo her and still keep your friend, how would you ever feel about the two of them being alone together in the future, knowing he had the hots for her at one point and may harbor resentment towards you for "stealing" her? Pick your path...you can only choose one. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedSarah Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Keep in mind they aren't dating at all. They're just "a thing". There's going to be no breaking up, they'll either start dating (which she's not down with) or they'll stop messing around. And not to mention I had friends with benefits with another girl (including sex, mind you) for about 3 months. As soon as we were done with everything, my "best friend" cuddled/made out with her at a party and basically betrayed me, so he has broken man law before I've had the chance to. I feel like he has what's coming to him. I was very easy on him about messing with a previous girl of mine (and not resorting into taking him to the ground), so maybe he'll have the same decency? Even though they are not dating he still likes the girl and is wanting/trying to date her and are doing date thing right? Even IF you did get with this girl who is to say your friend wont be hurt by you getting with her? Just because you found it fine for him to date girls you like does not mean he will feel the same way you would or react the same way you did. I still think you should stick clear of this girl. Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Life is like a buffet. You take what you want, and you go back for more. If they run out, it's your fault for not grabbing it earlier. I say you go for the girl. He's only made out with her a couple times? I am a VERY EMOTIONAL GUY but I'd understand and let my brah date her. Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon Blackberry Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 She seems kind of fickle. I don't think she liked your friend that much in the first place, but dated him just to have someone to date. I wouldn't go out with a woman like that. Let her go. There are other great women out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Fancee Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 I am not a man but how do you call that man law#1. If they were going together and had strong relationship for some time then I would understand the law. This is just a girl bouncing from one friend to another friend. How could think of loving her when she is so fast on her feet? Its just a sex thing with her. Soon as she has a chance with you and you have some other friends that will be her next victim. I got brothers - I have seen this so many times. But those girls didn't hang around neither of them. They just passed them to each other. Get you a tape recorder for your friend incase he thinks he would have had a chance with her. From now on when you get a number and your friend the number at the same time you compete,quickly- that way he can't blame you. I seen my brothers go out the girl one night and the other the next nite. However, doing this time they were not speaking(smiles). We all lived in the same house. This one girl was a girlfriend of mines and she would tell me each day -she was confused. She like this one and then she like this one.Those type girls they never really got serious about them.My girlfriend, was on the rebound also and went back to her boyfriend who she loved and he loved her. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 she just got done with a long term relationship Not worth messing up your friendship over a girl who isn't emotionally ready for a new relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 If you had to pick one or the other, would you (a) keep your friendship with him and give her up or (b) take a chance with her and give him up, realizing that (b) carries with it the possibility that you might eventually end up with neither of them in your life? I don't get the sense that you are really "that into" him. So it doesn't seem like that much of a mystery: realize that going after her almost certainly means losing him, there's probably no way around that. Link to post Share on other sites
Timberlane Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 The girl doesn't like your friend anymore, so he has no claim. It's fine for you two to start dating. A good friend would discuss that he is about to do this, reminding the other friend that you respected his attempt and implying you would appreciate the same respect for yours to get something going on with the nice girl. Good friends will step back and not interfere or cause trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MemoryLane Posted October 23, 2007 Author Share Posted October 23, 2007 The girl doesn't like your friend anymore, so he has no claim. It's fine for you two to start dating. A good friend would discuss that he is about to do this, reminding the other friend that you respected his attempt and implying you would appreciate the same respect for yours to get something going on with the nice girl. Good friends will step back and not interfere or cause trouble. Well he actually called it quits with her last night. Not because he found anything out, he just realized they don't have anything common and they're just friends now. But I'm going to take it really slow and wait for the fog to pass before I initiate anything with her and she said the same. She really wants to be with me and is begging to see me...but I'm going to hold back for a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Timberlane Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Let her know you are interested at least and go see her whenever you like. I assume your friend doesn't keep tabs on you? At this point it really is not his business. It is only a courtesy to tell him. He is done with her as it is. Link to post Share on other sites
StaringContest Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Before you get involved with her, tell him you're interested in dating her. If he says it's ok (which I don't see why he wouldn't if he dropped her), then he can't justify being mad about it later, and he can't hang it over your head that you "stole his girl". (My buddy throws this in my other buddy's face sometimes even though he never technically stole her either.) But DON'T tell him you know she's into you. He's a lot more likely to be upset if he knows she likes you. Link to post Share on other sites
rcaliguy Posted October 26, 2007 Share Posted October 26, 2007 question, how old are you and this girl? this i think can determine whether and how serious you should really think about it. i was in a similar situation where my "best-friend" from high school and a girl dated. they dated for about 8 months or so and later we ended hanging out (the girl and i). eventually the girl and i dated for over 3 1/2 years. honestly, she's still someone i hold near and dear to my heart and currently in love with. AND it was TOTALLY worth losing the friend over for. he was a terrible friend, one of those that you obtain from school as a kid but later become distant as you figure out what your morals and life plans are. "the girl" and i are currently not together but still talk and i'm working on some personal things at the moment and would like to salvage the relationship. we actually love one another a lot and if all works out, we'll probably end up together forever. (long story but there are things i need to work on). so, it's not easy to just say, "hey man, bro before hoes". there are different factors to consider and who knows...she may be the oen who steals your heart. i think i just made your decision even harder. most importantly i would say is, what are your intentions? if you plan on just hooking up with her...i'd say move on to someone else. if you really like the girl and see something possibly developing, figure out if it's worth it. i chose the girl and i don't regret it AT ALL. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MemoryLane Posted October 28, 2007 Author Share Posted October 28, 2007 Since my post we've been intimate with each other but haven't had sex. She really wanted to have sex with me but I decided that my friend must know my intentions with her before we become too serious. Although I, myself, wanted to have sex also, we didn't NEED it at this time, and I thought it would be better to take things slowly and she whole-heartedly agreed and respected my decision. I finally told him that I'm interested in her and that I'm going to ask her out, albeit I know exactly what she'll say (yes). He told me that he is a little bit pissed, which is understandable, but he's "OK" with it, which is good. He just said he won't talk to her anymore because he just won't be able to I guess...whatever that means. I think me and the girl aren't going to start being serious until a week or so from now. We need time to let all of this drama blow off our shoulders and ease into the relationship instead of trying to rush things. And to answer a previous posters question: We are both in our low 20s and want a serious relationship. I have randomly hooked up/partied for the past year or so and I'm ready to be committed in a relationship. It's not about sex (as I have already postponed it with my current girl), but we're connected on an emotional and intellectual level with each other. We love to go out and have a good time as well as cuddle and watch a documentary together. We listen to around the same genre of music (she's really into the "indie" scene I guess you would call it), and she also has a nerdy side (we listen to the same podcasts). She's great and pretty much everything I'd wish for in a girlfriend. So yes, this is beyond the sex. My intentions are elsewhere. My deep understanding and comforting of her has caused her to get over her past relationship quickly, as it didn't happen when she was talking to my friend. He was a jerk and not understanding, which made him just as bad as her ex. She told me that I'm much more than anyone she's previously dated, so that makes me feel fantastic. Link to post Share on other sites
rcaliguy Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 it's good to hear that you've taken the right steps in heading the direction that you are. being respectful and considerate are very important. also, having a relationship that is more than just sex is the best thing that can happen. i agree that taking things slow is a great way to start. get to know her and you'll see that the relationship will blossom. (and i speak from experience, be honest with her and yourself) i say this because it sounds as though you really like this girl and you talk about having a serious long term committment with her, and the last thing you want to do is mess things up. =) good luck and keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
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