abeliever Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 I have been on here a month or so and in my case and many others, the other Spouse never just comes clean? You have to uncover all that you can find knowing you will never find it all. I am asking - why not just tell your SO why you cheated on and give them closure? Why do they continue to just lie to your face knowing they are caught????? Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 It could be for various reasons. One could be BW/BH might actually leave them or ask WS to leave. WS probably isn't ready for that. Why start an affair then? A lot of reasons for that too. Another could be when a WS lies, BW/BH might just drop it and let it be. It's what I have read here anyway... At the end of it, it's probably the fact that you might actually lose the one you love - be it the BW/BH or OW/OM. Whichever is up to the person who cheated. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Some people lie to protect the OW/OM and their affair in order to keep it going. Some people lie because they don't want to lose their marriage. Some people lie because lying comes natural. It depends on the person and their circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
DazedandConfused66 Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Agree with LB. And.... Some don't 'fess up because, in truth, cheating is universally treated as a dishonorable act, even by the cheaters on some level. They may rationalize their behaviors, but nobody likes a cheater or to be labeled as such. So the shame of what they've done prevents them from giving voice to the act(s) to the person they've hurt. Same is true for the vast majority of criminals when faced in court by their victims...very few actually apologize or give personal voice to their actions and express regret for their crimes. I'm not attempting to draw an inference that cheaters=criminals, so don't go there. Just saying that shame is a powerful motivator to conceal and hide the truth of ones' actions. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 I have been on here a month or so and in my case and many others, the other Spouse never just comes clean? You have to uncover all that you can find knowing you will never find it all. I am asking - why not just tell your SO why you cheated on and give them closure? Why do they continue to just lie to your face knowing they are caught????? This is precisely the reason why you can never trust him again. And why the marriage is therefore doomed. Link to post Share on other sites
mopar crazy Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 My H lied b/c he said he didn't want to hurt me. He had already filed for a D and adding an A to the mess would have just caused me more pain. Even though he lied to me, I knew the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 I have a uncle who is 75 years old, and been married for 53 years. He cheated on his wife many times during that 53 years, and was caught. To this day he will not admit to it, even though on some occassions he was caught. I have no clue why. Hard to say I guess, different for different people I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
4whatItsWorth Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 I have a uncle who is 75 years old, and been married for 53 years. He cheated on his wife many times during that 53 years, and was caught. To this day he will not admit to it, even though on some occassions he was caught. I have no clue why. Hard to say I guess, different for different people I suppose. She should apparantly have kicked him out the very first time... Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 Because if they managed to pull off leading a whole double life behind their spouses back, an entire life that revolves around lies and secrecy why in the world would they come clean when confronted and expected to deliver truthful words? They are mere words, if their actions could be hidden so easily why would words be hard to hide? It was that easy to maintain and lie about a whole life while next to their spouse and the BS never caught on, so it should be even easier to tell lies once caught, in words. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 She should apparantly have kicked him out the very first time... I agree. And the sad thing is, to this day she struggles with the regret of not leaving. Of course she has mentioned several reasons fro not leaving and to each their own, but here it is all these years and years later and it still bothers her. I just couldn't see putting myself through that. Link to post Share on other sites
Havn_a_life Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 A cheating spouse doesn't want to come clean up front because it just makes him or her look stupid and selfish. Plain and simple. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 A cheating spouse doesn't want to come clean up front because it just makes him or her look stupid and selfish. Plain and simple. True. And when that person is/has been caught with plain evidence and still wont fess up, not only does it make them look stupid, and selfish but crazy too. Link to post Share on other sites
MsMartha Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 I caught my bf last night naked with a B*&^yatch lol He trying to tell me nothing happened..... They were "sleeping" together Yeah and I am THE QUEEN OF SHEBA Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 True. And when that person is/has been caught with plain evidence and still wont fess up, not only does it make them look stupid, and selfish but crazy too. That's so true. but I don't know what's crazier, the people who try to keep lying even when all the evidence is right in front of them that they are caught dead smack in an act OR the people who choose to humour these liars by staying with them and "giving them the benfit of the doubt" even though they are being lied to right to their faces. It's all crazy really. Link to post Share on other sites
xsianx Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 They lie because they don't want to hurt you any further, than they already are/have. Least that is why my WS never came clean about anything. All I'd asked him, was did he love her and he said yes.....that was all I needed to know. I couldnt have cared less about where they met, where they did it, what posistions they did it in.......he betrayed me, end of!! Adios!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 They lie because they don't want to hurt you any further, than they already are/have. Least that is why my WS never came clean about anything. All I'd asked him, was did he love her and he said yes.....that was all I needed to know. I couldnt have cared less about where they met, where they did it, what posistions they did it in.......he betrayed me, end of!! Adios!!!! Good for you xsianx for having self respect, it is beyond me how anyone can stay with a spouse that admits they actually loved another human being while still being married to them?? I think that some betrayed spouses will never know what the truth is with their spouses and if they did love or not. But the mere thought of living with that doubt for the rest of one's life is settling for a second rate life. what quality of life can a human being have when deep down they feel they don't really know their partner afterall! I'll never understand why people settle for a lifetime of that? Never. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 I'll never understand why people settle for a lifetime of that? Never. I don't understand it either. But, maybe it comes from a lack of self esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 I'll never understand why people settle for a lifetime of that? Never. I don't understand it either. But, maybe it comes from a lack of self esteem. yeah it has to be. How can you actually still love someone who spat in your face, who made a mockery of you who backstabbed you as they did and stompped all over your heart and on top of it might still continue to lie to you? You have to be so paralized by fear of being alone that you would rather keep a life of that than having to face the world alone. It's sad... Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 What's sad is people that can't see any viewpoint beyond their own. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmasMuse Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 What's sad is people that can't see any viewpoint beyond their own. I would say alot of people are like that. I think we all take others view points into consideration along with our own. I also think its whatever is up to that person in that situation or that have been in that situation. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 I have been on here a month or so and in my case and many others, the other Spouse never just comes clean? You have to uncover all that you can find knowing you will never find it all. I am asking - why not just tell your SO why you cheated on and give them closure? Why do they continue to just lie to your face knowing they are caught????? because they are sniveling chickenshi!ts.....thats why. Link to post Share on other sites
xsianx Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 yeah it has to be. How can you actually still love someone who spat in your face, who made a mockery of you who backstabbed you as they did and stompped all over your heart and on top of it might still continue to lie to you? You have to be so paralized by fear of being alone that you would rather keep a life of that than having to face the world alone. It's sad... Ditto to that! Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 What's sad is people that can't see any viewpoint beyond their own. And even sadder are people who demand that no one hold a judgement towards their actions (actions which harm other people), but are oh so anxious to judge the actions of others (actions that harm no one). Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 It's cognitive dissonance. Everyone wants to believe they are a good and honest person. Having to admit to a damaging lie or infidelity does not fit into their self-concept of being an honest person. When someone reaches that discomfort they can do two things, deny or accept. A lot people choose to deny because then they don't verbally compromise their self-perceptions. Link to post Share on other sites
Havn_a_life Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 Good for you xsianx for having self respect, it is beyond me how anyone can stay with a spouse that admits they actually loved another human being while still being married to them?? I think that some betrayed spouses will never know what the truth is with their spouses and if they did love or not. But the mere thought of living with that doubt for the rest of one's life is settling for a second rate life. what quality of life can a human being have when deep down they feel they don't really know their partner afterall! I'll never understand why people settle for a lifetime of that? Never. I think it depends on the cheating spouse, too. One can tell the difference between a WS who is still cheating and one who is sincerely sorry and remorseful and wants to work on the M. My H did a complete turn around after dday. He never saw the xOW again and even though it was difficult at times talking about the details of the A, because he felt stupid having the A, he did. It took some yrs, but I have to say, the whole thing wasn't as dramatic as I envisioned. He wasn't inlove with her. This I know because he had no problem dumping her. He never looked back, and certainly never has looked around for a second helping of any potential #2 OW. His only A was a wake up call for him, as he's explained to me. He saw what it did to his family, me and his kids. He saw how much it hurt us. This is why i believe he'll never cheat again. Did I take back a man who cheated on me? Yes. Hey, surprised me too! I don't think I'll regret that decision either. He's a totally different man now than before the A. Did I convince myself that him saying he never loved the xOW made it ok to welcome him back? Hell no! His actions after the A ended spoke volumes on why he went to her place in the first place. I like the man I'm M to now, btw. I like him alot better than the man he was for the 10+ yrs before the A (which lasted a few months). Link to post Share on other sites
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