When H/W cheats and is caught - why don't they just come clean?

[pollywag]

Well we should then acknowlege that there are different degrees of happiness. If people are happier after an affair, I can't imagine what a piss poor life they must have had before the affair. It's all relative isn't it, happiness comparable to what? I suppose if you took a homeless person who slept in their own vomit on a street corner and you gave them a carboard box to live in they could be happy too. Is that the same degree of happiness a Trump feels when they retreat to their dwelling? I doubt it. But a homeless not knowing any different would think it's the best they can feel.

[troutie jr]

He could have kept denying until doomsday of the A. He came to me. I don't think he cared about the OW because he dumped her so easily.

You can have your opinion of what you think went on, but I trust my heart. It may not make any sense to you, but it does to me.

We're happy now. And if I continued to mistrust what he said then we wouldn't be happy now.

He's come clean about the whole A, yrs ago, and we are happier now than we were before the A.

I could sit here and pound out time after time of how wonderful he is and how remorseful he was because of the A, but you have to put things the way you see fit.

I trust my H.

 

Again, when "Trust" is the subject, it is all about trusting "Self". So in essence what you are saying is that you are trusting yourself to take him back.

 

Trust has been betrayed by your H when he committed Adultry.

[Havn_a_life]

Again, when "Trust" is the subject, it is all about trusting "Self". So in essence what you are saying is that you are trusting yourself to take him back.

 

Trust has been betrayed by your H when he committed Adultry.

 

Yep, and he had to prove himself to be trustworthy again to me.

I gave him that chance. I did.

It paid off for him, not just me, because I knew if he f'd up a second time, he would be gone. He knew that too. He knew he'd used his get out of jail free card. There's only one in my Monopoly game.

 

I'll give anyone a chance, but screw me over again, you are history.

[cj1988]

Hello Bish, I will answer that question. When I was with someone else we were not living together. He got mad and moved in with his mother and did not want to see me etc....so I cried and begged for a month and then said f---- it I am going out. So, I started having fun, meet a friend, had a fun and he found out and came crying back saying we were just seperated. I guess that was when he was telling me to go the f--- home he was tired of my crying and buying his own house ( we lived in my house 7 years) So, does that sound like we were on a BREAK? If we were just taking a break, I would not have done it, but I was stupid and jumped on it. He has never let it go and said it was cheating, when EVERYONE we know says the same thing I did, we were NOT together so how is that cheating? He had 8 womens phone numbers in his truck, going to strip clubs and even called one of them and went to her house.....he was just hurt because someone has touched me and he could not handle it. He did not want me but did not want me with anyone else either. He swears he has never kissed, touched or f---- another woman in almost 13 years, no one but me.....yeah right ! I am just the little cheating w---- and he is innocent, my a-- ! The tape between him and his 1/2 sister was disgusting and very disturbing, I am not the only one that said that......he will not admit that the tape was even wrong, how can I believe there not more to it. If you let 20 people hear it and you do not tell them they are related they would think they were f---- too ! If you tell them they are siblings, they would PUKE, oh but he did nothing wrong and I better just leave it alone and stop being jealous and crazy ! I am not the crazy on talkning to my brother like an idiot " OH MY SWEET SWEET BABY" I love you so much baby" You better not have sex without protection dear brother, she is crazy and I would not put it past her and WE ( like they were a couple) are not going to have that! NOW, does that sound normal and all done in that I want to F--- you VOICE ! Now, who the hell is crazy, me for staying and wanting to work it out ! THis is the same man that came home last night drunk at 12:30 to avoid talking to me about our F----- up marriage ! Everything is my fault , never his, everything is bad and I am bad BLAH BLAH BLAH.....I am a 41 year old woman that takes care of EVERYTHING we have he does nothing but work, hang out with his buddy and drink and smoke dope ! I am a complete f---- idiiot and hate myself for loving him everyday and searching for the last bit of strength I have to move this month and LEAVE, he is leaving me NO choice. If he wanted me and this marriage he would act like it, he still does not even after D_DAY almost a year ago...

 

One last thing, he does not talk to dear sissy as much after finding out she is now hanging out with his best friends soon to be EX wife, the same one dear sissy and her husband screwed in our lake a couple of months ago. She dumped her brother, her toy for another now, how sick is that????? So, who is f---- up, it is not me in that way, just another, I am stupid !

 

SORRY IT WAS LONG HAD TO GET THAT OUT

[abeliever]

CJ-

 

I was not referring to your situation when I was talking about Jerry Springer life. I was talking about me! Ha! My H had 5 affairs and I stayed til this last one and this girl is pregnant and she isn't sure if its his. We still live together til the house sells and we own a business together. So yes I am living a Jerry Springer life.

 

So, you are not alone! We can lean on each other and encourage each other but WE WILL get thru this. Don't feel bad you tried to stay and work it out each person has their own level of their "last straw" and mine just took longer than most. But I am the eternal optimist, its a sickness! I have no regrets, I can walk away and have no doubt I did all I could do to save this marriage but it takes two.

 

Anyway, we are here for you and in your time of need you can email me or im me.

 

abeliever

[bish]

Since you cheated on him first, can you not see why he may have fallen for someone else?

 

that's a fair question.

 

 

So if that question is asked one can also ask, "can people not see how a resentment that is built in some marriages from one partner towards the other lead them to commit adultery out of spite or resentment?"

 

when a person chooses to stay and work on a marraige after betrayal but cannot let go of the resentment and allows themselves to go after another person out of spite, how is that different from what a person does when they cheat out of spite for problems in the relationship or for being neglected or whatever the reason might be?

 

First off, I think you know me well enough that I don't subscribe to the kind of thinking with regards to the question I posed. I was taking this question out of the "Cheaters' Manifesto". Nothing excuses or justifies cheating....NOTHING.

 

2nd....it doesn't surprise me that once again you turn this around on the betrayed.

[bish]

Hello Bish, I will answer that question. When I was with someone else we were not living together. He got mad and moved in with his mother and did not want to see me etc

 

And what did he get mad about? Must have been something pretty serious.

 

As far as you saying "f#ck it" and jumping on another guy...ok ...fair enough after he didn't want to talk to you....but again..what was the reason he didn't want to talk to you...were you messing around?

 

And yes, some people who are cheated on(or in your case I'll give you the benefit of the doubt...a break...whatever it was) get hurt and want to get back together with that someone. Then after they are back with that someone that hurt them....anger will set in later and they no longer see it as needing to hold on to the one they love, but thinking....how could this person do this to me. And then it starts.

 

Mind you, if you have ever read any of my posts...NOTHING excuses cheating in my mind.

 

but thanks for telling more of the story....but I still wonder why he moved out and didn't want to talk to you. Were you messing around? Or did he suspect you were?

[bish]

And what did he get mad about? Must have been something pretty serious.

 

As far as you saying "f#ck it" and jumping on another guy...ok ...fair enough after he didn't want to talk to you....but again..what was the reason he didn't want to talk to you...were you messing around?

 

And yes, some people who are cheated on(or in your case I'll give you the benefit of the doubt...a break...whatever it was) get hurt and want to get back together with that someone. Then after they are back with that someone that hurt them....anger will set in later and they no longer see it as needing to hold on to the one they love, but thinking....how could this person do this to me. And then it starts.

 

Mind you, if you have ever read any of my posts...NOTHING excuses cheating in my mind.

 

but thanks for telling more of the story....but I still wonder why he moved out and didn't want to talk to you. Were you messing around? Or did he suspect you were?

 

Oh, and you said you got "caught". If you truly believe you didn't do anything wrong...what was there to get "caught" about?

[cj1988]

BISH, thanks....NO, I was not cheating. We had a lot of fights for the 7 years about a lot of things, cheating was not one of them. We would fight about him staying out, me nagging about it, me being insecure, him being jealous, kids.......you name it. I did not cheat until he left, but the week before I was talking to a friend (my sister next door neighbor) and his WIFE (she was cheating) and trying to help. He broke into my house (my H, but not at that time) printed some e-mails took some items while we were apart and then accused me of sleeping with that guy, I was not.....my sisiter was helping them as well. The one I slept with was a guy I met and we started hanging out with a lot dancing etc....hell he was 21, i was 35, but my H actually thinks it meant more than it did, but the girl he was calling was 19......so you see....it killed him and he was upset, could not sleep for years JUST knowing I had been physical with another man......but he cannot unserstand why I am upset about him being VERY emotional with his new found 1/2 sister.......it was like he was in love with her, i know his tone of voice. It was more emotional than he has talked to me in 13 years......lots is lust behind it......the sad part this all started happening right after he and I finally got married last July (she was in the wedding) We got married and less than a month later, I catch them UNDER the dock supposedly talking at 3AM when everyone was asleep....but I sat there for 5 minutes and I did not hear a word.....they talked to each other all day long at work, but he stopped calling me....then I taped them and it was what I feared, the Hey bay, I love you baby.....I love you **** ! That is just gross !

[bish]

Well cj...doesn't sound like you were on a break...sounds like you were broken up. he didn't want to talk to you anymore....so your sitch is different...this wasn't a break. He pretty much told you that you 2 were through by moving in with his mom and telling you he didn't want to see you.

[cj1988]

BISH, exactly, that is what I have been telling him for years now and he swears we were on a break......he came over about 4 times in 4 months for a booty call and that was it, no dates nothing. He was in my driveway at 3AM, I was on a date and he freaked out. That is why if he has cheated he will justify it in his own little brain becasue SHE did it tome....but he is adimit that I am a cheater and he is innocent and always has been no matter what I think about the tape.....IT WAS my sister he says, that makes it even more gross to me that he can talk that way about me and she can dog me when she does not even know me.....I am the one that located that side of his family and they should have been grateful not deceiptful.......I was betrayed by 2 not just my H, it is hard to take and then I was the one punished for 5 months, he would not talk to me anymore, told me he wanted out, he would not touch and went as far as to say he loved me very much but was no longer in love with me the way I wanted him to be, oh but he is now.....whatever. I am 41 and know you fall out of love when you fall in love with another or think you have.

[bunset]

First off, I think you know me well enough that I don't subscribe to the kind of thinking with regards to the question I posed. I was taking this question out of the "Cheaters' Manifesto". Nothing excuses or justifies cheating....NOTHING.

 

2nd....it doesn't surprise me that once again you turn this around on the betrayed.

These statements bring a few questions up for me:

 

If nothing excuses or justifies it why bother to ask "why?".

 

Are you saying that every WS never perceived flaws in the marriage before the A, from their experience?

 

Do spouses think that once they get married, they are entitled to unconditional love, understanding, sex etc., no matter what?

Does one think that they have to do anything or give anything back to keep it?

Do they give or do anything to encourage love in the relationship?

What?

Is that what your spouse needs to sustain those feelings to give?

 

If you know all the right answers to those questions - How come?

 

And who should answer those questions?

[bish]

These statements bring a few questions up for me:

 

If nothing excuses or justifies it why bother to ask "why?".

 

If you have ever read alot of my posts, you'll see that I don't care "why" and I never asked "why". What matters is that it DID happen.

 

Are you saying that every WS never perceived flaws in the marriage before the A, from their experience?

 

Nope...I am saying that I don't care if they saw flaws and try to use it to excuse their lousy cheating ways. I saw flaws from her end...actually alot of them...but you didn't see me going out and dipping my wick in other women.

 

Do spouses think that once they get married, they are entitled to unconditional love, understanding, sex etc., no matter what?

 

To some extent yes...but if they aren't getting that unconditional love, then they need to talk about it with their spouse, and if that doesn't satisfy the situation, then divorce.

 

Does one think that they have to do anything or give anything back to keep it?

Do they give or do anything to encourage love in the relationship?

What?

Is that what your spouse needs to sustain those feelings to give?

 

If you know all the right answers to those questions - How come?

 

And who should answer those questions?

 

Some spouses are never satisfied and happy with what they have...they have to have something different....call it fickleness..whatever.

 

I've said all along that perfectly loving and affectionate spouses get f#cked over by their WS simply because the WS wants variety...not variety in what they do with their spouse, but a different face to look at when they are screwing.

 

Not all sitches are the same I know...but bottom line, and in answer to your main point, I don't care "why"...all that matters is it happened.

[bunset]

bish,

 

I can appreciate that you have set boundaries in your relationships, and the issue of infidelity seems to bring out a protective armour on you.

 

It is interesting how when people see situations differently and disagree that one can still find some validity in their contention.

[bish]

bish,

 

I can appreciate that you have set boundaries in your relationships, and the issue of infidelity seems to bring out a protective armour on you.

 

Well if anything came out of my lousy M, it was just what you said, it put a protective armor on. Played for a fool once, shame on them, play me for a fool twice, shame on me.

[cj1988]

BISH, I am sorry that happened to you and you know I truly understand. Hell, I waited 11 years to marry him, he begged me for years, I finally decided to trust that he was not going to hurt me and then.....so you see you never know someone even after years. It is like everyone wants what they cannot have instead of wanting what they do have. I think it is especially wrong when they KNOW what it is like to be cheated on and still do it to someone else. They just shows they are more selfish than you could ever imagine. I do believe with all my heart what goes around comes around and everyone that comes and goes in your life has a purpose. I believe that all things good and bad make you a better person in the end and if they do not it was not meant to be.

 

So, do not think all women are like you EX, we are not. I married the man I love and wanted to give my life to him and he was not ready I guess, i do not know. He still swears he has been faithful to only me 13 years, I do not believe it and that is all that matters, too many clues he has not and it is in my GUT.

 

He is still cold and moody, avoids me most of the time. I am sweet and want him physically now more than ever and he is just there. So, you see maybe things were not what they seemed for years, maybe he wanted me because he thought I did not want him and now it is the reverse. A cruel game I am not willing to play. I am a smart attractive woman that has a lot a head of her and will not settle EVER. I love life and will leave him if need be. He says I am the only one that talks about leaving, but what does he expect. I come home everyday, he does not, drinking with his buddy he sees all day. I want this life, he runs from it instead of doing something about it. Why would he want to leave he has it made, he works and plays and has me as his lieel whore when he wants it, that is not love, that is content, I want more.

 

I am sure when I do leave him he will realize he wants me then, but too late. I just wish he would wake up now and realize that before it gets that far and I am close to leaving now. Do yoy have any suggetions as a male that could help wake him up? Hell, he knows I have a male friend I talk to sometimes (just a friend in a happy relationship) but does not care. My old H woudl have not liked that at all. What is wrong with him? He is happy around everyone but me and our boys, depressed, moody, why would he want a life like that? Or why does he want to change it, I am right here waiting and willing to do that ......I am exhausted and out of ideas !

[abeliever]

CJ-

 

Reading your posts was like being inside my head. (Hey get out of there!) Its a very upsetting spot to be in whether to stay or go? Because correct me if I am wrong. At least this is what I felt at one point. If I am going to go thru all of this moving out, seperating assets, deciding who gets what, then in the middle of it all or just after its all done and then HE decides he wants it all back the way it was. If this happened you would resent him? So why not just realize now before you go thru all of that madness. (at least that was how I felt).

 

I was (well still am in it) in the same situation. I would watch him be so nice and helpful to anyone around him until I came into the room and boom his whole attitude changed. I would think damn, there it is again, what is it that would make him treat me like this I am his wife? It used to hurt. We still live toghether (til house sells) he still continues to be this way at times. (I think he is bi-polar his sister, mom and dad are) Nowadays sometimes I just don't care. I don't have the feelings I once had for him. I actually think I don't really love him anymore. He could bring the hooters girls in our home and all go to his room and it wouldn't bother me! Its weird to feel this, is it normal? I never could understand people who said "I just don't love you anymore?" I would think people are weird I have always cared and even still love my exes in some small way. But I don't fell that way towards him. I have had friends say its because of all the pain and him putting all his gf in my face all summer that a part of me died that loved him. I guess so its not there.

 

But my heart really goes out to you. Until you can come to terms of either you just stop caring and plan to move on without him, or try to work things out. There is no way to get thru that nawing pain other than to keep yourself busy. I went to our basement nightly and started going thru things and packed his stuff and then mine. Labeling what all was inside and throwing other stuff I wouldn't want to take with me away. I just started doing things that would make me not think about what was going on.

 

We went to counseling for 6 wks but he wouldn't really open up and the therapist said until he does I am doomed. He would just sit there and he would ask him a question and he wouldn't acknowlede the Dr. So one cannot work on a marriage and expect it to work by themselves, it takes two. I went for a while longer myself, got what I needed and realized no amount of counseling was going to change whatever he is feeling. I wish he would have never done any of it (cheating) and although he at times says he wished I would just forgive him and work things then he does a 180 degree turn and then I am dirt to him. Or he is im with another woman. So its his demons not mine!

 

So with all of the back and forth(2-3 yrs of it), I realized its time. I have to get thru the fear of being alone, and on my own. I got pregnant my first year in college and so its been me and my daughter's father ( 10yrs together) of whom I didn't marry he was worse than this H, to marrying him. I think if I had the courage a long time ago when the first affair happened who knows, maybe I would have been happy by now. You know that hind sight thing is a well you know. Fear can stop you in your tracks, believe me. When I start to feel unsettled, I find myself thinking there are a lot of people with a lot more problems than I have. I can pay my own bills and take care of myself and my daughter is doing well on her own. I try to be grateful even for the bad things. How else would you know your alive!

 

Best of Luck!

abeliever

 

Wishing much luck.

 

abeliever

[cj1988]

Abeliever, I printed your response and read it about 5 times last night. Yes, I do think my H is bi-polar. He does have demons and said he has them all his life, who does'nt? I know I have mine as well, but they do not effect me in such a manner as to have to be stoned or drunk.

 

I love him very much and hope that one day he can settle waht is inside of him, but after reading your response I realize that I cannot help him anymore than I already have at this point. When I met him he was looking for something and to this day I guess he has not found it yet. I am not sure if you have read all my threads, but my story is just unreal. His attachment issues are worse than anyone I have ever seen. My story is definitely Jerry S. and if me tyring to work this out after what we have been through is not love I have no idea what it was.

 

At this time in our lives, I think the lies, the secrecy and the tarnished feelings and damaged souls, we have no other choice than to move on. I have tried everything to make him see that he is loved and what kind of life we can have and if after a year he has not snapped out of it and got over whatever is eating him, he will not.

 

So many things have been pointing to US not being together from the beginning 13 years ago, I am shocked we have made it this far. Instead of him realizing that he has a chance to have a normal life, he choses to have a different life, full of drugs and alcohol, he will never heal that way. I am not a smoker and a causal drinker, so you know that is a big clash. He is as your H hot and cold. He is never really mean unless he feels I am trying to tell him what to do, although he knows I have every right to....he holds grudges, resentment and anger towards me and that is terrible, no wonder he cannot bounce back, he does not want to. I am a good woman and have made some bad choices in our relationship, but he has as well. No one is perfect and I do not want to be. I do think I will be fine without him at some point, my son will be leaving in a month as well for college. I do not think he will make it. Not my problem any longer.

 

I sat in my car thinking about everything we have been through over the years and the signs or flags I missed. It is like we have been doomed from day one. He like your H will not open up and when it does it is brief and what he wants to talk about, anything that is important to me, he does not care and makes a big deal about. So, as you see they are all the same, selfish. I am not like that at all. I love openly and honestly as I expect the same.

 

Thank you for your story and help, it did open my eyes a little more and I know I have a major decison to make in the next 2 weeks. I am ready either way. I am strong and strangely enough look forward to be single the first time in my life. I just pray that we can somehow remain friends and end this nicely, but I do not see that happeneing. Until he honest with himself about what he has done and who he is, he will not be able to have a relationship with anyone, sadly including his son.

 

Keep me in your prayers and if you ever want to just talk, send me another e-mail address and that would be fine !