Male and the things they do and say

[Kat]

I recently had a conversation with my other half, and he told me that he doesn't believe that I trust him. Well of course it hurt alot, but he also said that he understands and that we have years to work on it. My problem is that I believe that I do trust him, I just have this automatic pilot that sets in occasionally. We are all afraid of what people can do, but that doesn't mean we think they will.

 

We have talked about other people, and I explained to him that I have no desire for any other guy, i.e I do not look at another guy sexually, I don't flirt with other guys, I just feel sick thinking of being with someone else, because he is all I need. His response is that he trusts me, so that I could do things and he would trust me not to go further than I should. Only problem is he thinks that way about his actions too. I tell him I do not like someone and he simply says "But I don't do anything, so you should trust me" I explained that there is a big difference between trusting someone, and being hurt by someone's actions.

 

 

The latest conversation (we talk alot and ask questions of each other to get it all out in the open, I am sure some of you would see this to be a bad thing) I asked him if he gets turned on by other women, he kinda shrugged. I asked if a chick walked in with a low cut top and short skirt would he get turned on. He said no. I asked if a chick walked in topless would he get turned on. His response was, "well maybe" I asked why, and his response was "because it gets me thinking about my baby's breasts" I told him that was bull**** and he said "Well it sounded good". I asked him why he would get turned on by another women and he couldn't answer.

 

Am I wrong for getting upset by this? Is it something about the male being that has to get turned on by anything that moves? Does it make a male any less committed?

[yes]

i think its healthy for a man to be turned on when he sees a topless woman - in fact, i think he has problems if he doesn't get turned on (unless its not an attractive sight).

 

just because u'r committed to someone doesn't mean you don't find other people attractive. but because u'r committed, you don't go after these people.

 

that's my view,

-yes

 

PS too much talking about these things IS bad, i think ...

[clia]

Am I wrong for getting upset by this?

 

Yes.

 

Is it something about the male being that has to get turned on by anything that moves?

 

Yes. Men are wired differently than females. They are visual. I would be shocked to hear about a man who didn't get turned on by looking at an attractive woman. Your boyfriend sounds perfectly normal.

 

Does it make a male any less committed?

 

No. You obviously aren't feeling completely confident in your relationship if you are worried about things like this. Don't worry about it. Just because he sees a woman he finds attractive doesn't mean he is going to pick up and leave you for her.

[Kat]

Does anyone else have these "concerns"?

[Just A Girl2]

Asking your b/f if he'd be turned on if a topless chick walked into the room is an unfair question, in my opinion. He's either going to feel like he has to lie to avoid upsetting you, or he tells the truth and become all insecure..it's a no-win question for him.

 

You might be better off just focusing on the here and now, versus thinking up hypothetical questions/scenarios and then working yourself into a stew by his responses. Who needs undue stress?

[moimeme]

Kat,

 

Just because you find somebody attractive does not mean you are going to sleep with that person. Are you saying that there is not a single man that you think is attractive anywhere on this planet now you have a boyfriend, including the stars you might have had crushes on? I seriously doubt it.

 

No wonder your BF doesn't think you trust him!!! You don't!

If you did, you would believe him when he says that he might think another woman is attractive, but that doesn't mean he'll leave you for her. You have to realize that just because you are committed does not mean you are dead. It is a fact that men are visual and that they get turned on by visuals - but being turned on is not being unfaithful; it's normal and human.

 

You also should not tell him that he's lying when he says that seeing another woman reminds him of you because that's probably exactly what it does.

 

If I were you, I would try to work on my own insecurities because your lack of trust will hurt the relationship. It's the same with people who worry about a guy looking at porn sometimes (and I don't mean the addicts). Very often, the guys are using it to imagine things they want to do with their ladies - not with the people in the pictures.

[Bill]

I would be shocked to hear about a man who didn't get turned on by looking at an attractive woman.

 

It's called control.

[yes]

what are you controlling? the attraction! ah - so it does arise... but you can control it. the attraction part is healthy; the control part is the result of committment.

 

-yes

[Bill]

I was going to post a reason for how I am, but that contained too much personal information. I will stick with this; I'm quite different than everyone.

 

Everyone that knows me in person will agree fully.

[Kat]

From what I have read of Bill, I agree. I do not get turned on by another guy because I do not let myself. Why is that so hard to do?

[yes]

"I do not get turned on by another guy because I do not let myself."

 

You said it yourself! The attraction is there, but you surpress it. But the attraction is there, because you're human!

 

Same for guys - they look, they get attracted, they remember they have a gf they love.

 

I just don't see any reason at all to be upset.

-yes

[Kat]

I never said I had an attraction. I don't find myself looking at men in any other way than "he has a funny hat on" "Cool shirt" or whatever. I don't look further than that, I have no reason or desire. All males but my b/f are plain boring men to me.

[Just A Girl2]

When I'm in a relationship with someone I really care about, I also can see a gorgeous guy walk by and I notice but that's where it ends, I don't sit there and fantasize about them, wish they were mine, get all tingly inside....BUT...on the other hand, I'm mature enough to know that men are wired differently than women; they are inherently very visual. So your guy sees a hot topless chick somewhere, of course it's going to get his attention....he'd have to be in a deep coma not to notice...but that doesn't mean he's going to get a boner, nor does it mean he's going to think to himself "man I wish I had that" nor does it mean he's going to go home that night and beat off to thoughts of this chick.

 

You sound to me like someone whose entire total complete world is wrapped up in your b/f....you hang off every word he says, you take note of every little thing he does, and as you've said, he's "all you need." You come across as being extremely emotionally dependent on him for your happiness.....and maybe this is the root of your insecurity and inability to totally trust him, and the reason for your need to ask him these "loaded" questions.

 

All I can tell ya is that no man likes to be nit-picked and interrogated and grilled with hypothetical-loaded questions.........it reminds him of when he was a child and living at home with his Mother.

 

Your inability to trust him is YOUR problem, not at all his. From what you've shared, he's not done or said anything to cause you to mistrust him......

 

If you somehow think that living with him down the road here is going to help you to trust him more, think again. I predict that you'll watch his every move more, and analyze his every word and answer to the Nth degree.......and he's going to end up feeling smothered, mothered, mistrusted and resentful.

 

And Bill, you're a great guy, I'm sure...but sometimes your responses to things are totally cut and dry, black and white.....you're very sure of yourself, it would appear, but a lot of them sound extreme.....and you surely don't speak for the majority of men.

 

To say that you don't become attracted to hot chicks, or given Kat's scenario (topless chick)....that you wouldn't because you have "control".....that totally and completely indicates that you DO in fact feel some degree of attraction but that you CONSCIOUSLY suppress it.

 

People, we're not talking about a guy getting a raging hard-on here, when he sees a beautiful or sexy woman out in public.........we're talking about a guy finding someone pleasing to the eye. We're not talking about the guy drooling all over the place or getting a serious case of whiplash........we're just talking about him noticing.

 

Kat, whether you know it or not, it would seem to me that you're simply sabatoging your relationship, looking for trouble.......your insecurity with yourself and inability to trust men is manifesting itself in your need to ask your b/f controversial questions that he tries to answer truthfully, then you go and accuse him of being a liar. What the hell do you want from him?????

[jessicakicksbut]

I wouldn't worry Kat, he answered you honestly, and you should really respect that. You wouldn't want him to lie about it, right? I think every person, whether they are in a relationship or not, would find others attractive.

[Bill]

And Bill, you're a great guy, I'm sure...but sometimes your responses to things are totally cut and dry, black and white.....you're very sure of yourself, it would appear, but a lot of them sound extreme.....and you surely don't speak for the majority of men.

 

To say that you don't become attracted to hot chicks, or given Kat's scenario (topless chick)....that you wouldn't because you have "control".....that totally and completely indicates that you DO in fact feel some degree of attraction but that you CONSCIOUSLY suppress it.

 

I speak for myself, I never implied I was speaking for anyone else.

I never said, "I don't become attracted to 'hot chicks'". I said I don't get turned on. Those are two very different things.

[Just A Girl2]

Actually, all you said was "it's called control." You didn't actually specify as to whether you were talking about control over being attracted, or being turned on.

[Bill]

Read the "quoted" material in my post.

[niko1999]

I think everyone has some sort of insecureties in thier relationship, that is just the way it is. Just make sure that when you guys talk, its not just about the bad stuff. My boyfreind and I used to do tha, and it screwed things up horribly, but now things are good.

 

Anyway, I dont know of a single guy that wouldnt be at least somewhat excited by a chick with no shirt on(unles of course, as stated earlier, it was NOT a pleasent sight) He may think you are the most beuatiful woman around, but he is still going to find other women more attractive. Doesnt mean he is going to leave you for it, it just means he is human. And you should be secure enough that YOU can find other men attractive as well. There is a big difference betweeen doind a double take on someone, and actually persuing it. I think my boyfreind is the cutest guy on earth, but I can still look at another guy and drool for a couple of seconds over him.

 

and genearlly yes, guys do think about other women, that is why it is called a FANTASY! it doesnt mean they are going to act upon it, it is just a way to change the scenery, even if only for a couple of minutes. I think you need to just trust your boyfreind, he obviously trusts you, and chill out about the fact taht he is male, and he is going to do what he is going to do. If he wants to leave you for osomeone else, he will, and it doesnt sound as if that is happening anytime soon, so if I were you, I would tell him how I felt, and leave it at that. Sometimes just gently telling them how you feel will make a big difference.

 

My boyfreind just started getting Playboy, and I wasnt happy with it, I told him how it made me feel, He understood, and even told me that I could go through it and leave in what I wanted him to see Well, I ended up looking at the magazine myself(I hasd never seen a Playboy). But the point is, dont hound him, tell him how you feel, and remember, he is male, he is oing to look at and yes, even dream about, oother women.

[BadMan]

Great post!

 

I don't know what planet some of you people are from.

 

If you people are in denial about who you're attracted too, then I feel bad for you.

 

My favorite saying comes to mind,

" Just because you are on a diet doesn't mean you can't LOOK at

the menu".

 

Of course I'm at the other end of the spectrum, I find a lot of women attractive. I don't make a scene though. My wife is jealous like the original poster, but she's coming to grips with the fact that the world is full of beautiful women, including her.

 

 

Originally posted by Just A Girl2

When I'm in a relationship with someone I really care about, I also can see a gorgeous guy walk by and I notice but that's where it ends, I don't sit there and fantasize about them, wish they were mine, get all tingly inside....BUT...on the other hand, I'm mature enough to know that men are wired differently than women; they are inherently very visual. So your guy sees a hot topless chick somewhere, of course it's going to get his attention....he'd have to be in a deep coma not to notice...but that doesn't mean he's going to get a boner, nor does it mean he's going to think to himself "man I wish I had that" nor does it mean he's going to go home that night and beat off to thoughts of this chick.

 

You sound to me like someone whose entire total complete world is wrapped up in your b/f....you hang off every word he says, you take note of every little thing he does, and as you've said, he's "all you need." You come across as being extremely emotionally dependent on him for your happiness.....and maybe this is the root of your insecurity and inability to totally trust him, and the reason for your need to ask him these "loaded" questions.

 

All I can tell ya is that no man likes to be nit-picked and interrogated and grilled with hypothetical-loaded questions.........it reminds him of when he was a child and living at home with his Mother.

 

Your inability to trust him is YOUR problem, not at all his. From what you've shared, he's not done or said anything to cause you to mistrust him......

 

If you somehow think that living with him down the road here is going to help you to trust him more, think again. I predict that you'll watch his every move more, and analyze his every word and answer to the Nth degree.......and he's going to end up feeling smothered, mothered, mistrusted and resentful.

 

And Bill, you're a great guy, I'm sure...but sometimes your responses to things are totally cut and dry, black and white.....you're very sure of yourself, it would appear, but a lot of them sound extreme.....and you surely don't speak for the majority of men.

 

To say that you don't become attracted to hot chicks, or given Kat's scenario (topless chick)....that you wouldn't because you have "control".....that totally and completely indicates that you DO in fact feel some degree of attraction but that you CONSCIOUSLY suppress it.

 

People, we're not talking about a guy getting a raging hard-on here, when he sees a beautiful or sexy woman out in public.........we're talking about a guy finding someone pleasing to the eye. We're not talking about the guy drooling all over the place or getting a serious case of whiplash........we're just talking about him noticing.

 

Kat, whether you know it or not, it would seem to me that you're simply sabatoging your relationship, looking for trouble.......your insecurity with yourself and inability to trust men is manifesting itself in your need to ask your b/f controversial questions that he tries to answer truthfully, then you go and accuse him of being a liar. What the hell do you want from him?????

[loca]

Men are going to look. Sometimes I will see a pretty girl and even tell my boyfriend "wow she is really pretty." I notice handsome guys, but doesn't mean I am ready to jump on them. Kat don't ask your boyfriend questions if you don't want the answer. Just because you are in a relationship it does not mean you only find your mate attractive. And just because he finds them attractive does not mean he wants to bone them. Your insecurities are going to drive him away if you keep it up. A confident woman is an attractive woman.

[yes]

i also think checking out people together is fun. it shouldn't go overboard, however...!

 

but just because somebody else is attractive - that means nothing, because the r/s is so-so much more than that.

 

 

 

-yes

[Kat]

I still think today's society has gone down hill. The majority of you are making me feel like an idiot because I do not look at other men, and I should, just like my man SHOULD look at other people, because him loking at other people his healthy.

 

Does anyone see how flawed this statement is? It has nothing to do with human nature, it has to do with the warped society we live in today, trying to make it ok for people to look elsewhere, cheat, do whatever. But, keep it so that it is all 'natural'.

 

I am not an idiot for not perving at other males, and it doens't make in insecure in my own self the fact I "can't look elsewhere". Nor does it make me insecure of the fact that I do not like the idea of my b/f looking at other women. You just don't do that... you are in a commited relationship, you are commited to one person, and you have NO desire to look elswhere. If you do, then really, think about it, why are you with this person.

 

Now my b/f doesn't look at porn because "that is what males so", he doesn't try to pick up chicks at a bar to help his self esteem along, then drop them at the end of the night and come home to me. I asked him a hypothetical, which won't happen any time soon.

[Just A Girl2]

I don't read anyone putting you down for your adamant stance that your guy is "all you need" and that you will not ever look at another guy. If you "feel like an idiot" for feeling this way, it's self imposed because not one single person here has mocked you for feeling this way. In fact, I myself said I could understand you're feeling this way.

 

HOWEVER (and this is the point many are trying to make here): you simply can't expect to impose your beliefs or values on your b/f. You are not clones of one another. He is freely and totally entitled to feel whatever way he does about things, and part of loving him should involve having the maturity and wisdom to accept him the way he is/feels, or finding someone who better shares your feelings/views/values.

 

If I were your b/f right now, I think I'd be getting pretty antsy about this prospect of living together in the future......because if I were him, I'd be thinking "oh God, I have to be so careful what I say, she's going to constantly ask me loaded questions and if I tell her the truth I'll flip her out and if I fib to her to spare her hypersensitive feelings, she'll simply get upset and call me a liar."

 

I don't think it's society that has the problem.......I think a lot of it is simply basic human nature, and in this case, basic male nature.

 

If I were insecure like you, and my b/f expressed that he didn't think I trusted him, I don't honestly think I'd be asking these kinds of 'touchy' questions........what point would it serve? A "good answer" I wouldn't believe, and an answer that stirred up my insecurities would make me feel worse.

 

Kat, you're going to drive your guy away. Think back to why you two stopped living together in the past. Were your insecurities part of the problem? Did he feel smothered?

 

As for your other post, asking how people who've been cheated on have overcome being hurt, I think you're being rather melodramatic here. Almost everyone within the ages of 16 and 50 has been cheated on at one point in their life. You get through it by learning to be real and openminded and realizing that not everyone is a clone of each other.......for every cheater out there, there is a good person with a good heart who will be true to you. Not all guys are the same. While one may cheat and hurt you, there are 10 who won't. Nobody said life was going to be a bed of roses. You are hurt, you heal, you buck up and stop living in the past and playing the victim.

 

My very first relationship I was cheated on (ages 18-21). I was cheated on in my next serious 3 yr relationship (22-24). Then in my marriage (24-27).....and likely in another 2 shorter long term relationships. Geez, you'd think I'd be one paranoid walking-wounded, thinking all men are dogs and vowing to never trust another again. THat couldn't be further from how I feel. I don't give my trust overnight, it has to be earned (as it should be), but each painful time in past relationships was a chance for me to learn and grow and it's made me who I am today. I don't sit there and wallow in my past, nor do I expect guys I date now to somehow have to "make up for" the pain caused by past guys.

 

I think if you hope your upcoming living-together relationship is good and lasting, for you and your daughter's sakes..you really should get youreslf into some counselling, as soon as you can.

[sue108]

I experiance a lot of the same feelings you do. I'm like you, I honestly don't look at men unless I am dating them, and I never find them attractive unless I am in love with them. My friends scope out men and always wonder why I don't join in. I don't know why it is so hard for people to believe that we don't check out men and find them attractive. I get very upset when I see my boyfriend checking out another girl in front of me, or when he starts telling me how attractive he thinks some women he saw was. I just don't understand why he has to do this. I never once have thought he would cheat on me, it just makes me feel really insecure and inadequate. I am also guilty of asking loaded questions occasionally where there really is no safe answer. I think that these types of questions are unfair to our men, but still I slip up occasionally. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

[Kat]

Thanks sue, it is nice to know that I am not alone in how I feel