Update on my situation, and need some more !

[El-Producto]

Hi all, I've been away from the forums for quite awhile, and thought I'd update everyone on my situation, and I need some more advice.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t114972/ There is a link for those that don't know my situation.

 

Things have been going well. I'm getting along fairly well with my Ex, and she's gotten a really good job, and has stopped asking for any child or spousal support. I recently got a new job, which involves no more shift work, and an increase in pay.

 

About 3 months ago, I was reunited with a friend from high school, who was separated from her husband about the same time as my separation. She lives 5 hours away, and has 3 children. We started emailing back and forth, and then started talking on the phone. In a whirlwind of activity we are now "dating", and things have gotten quite serious.. too serious I think.

 

I'm really struggling with how to deal with this, and am looking for the sound advice of the forum regulars. I know the answer, but I'm looking for reassurance, because I think it's going to be tough.

 

I feel that things moved way too fast, and that I'm guilty for letting myself get this involved with someone so quickly. We only actually see each other about once or twice a month, with our schedules being so complicated and the distance. But we talk on the phone so much, and I'm burnt out.

 

I know she is lonely, and craves talking to me. But she calls 3 and 4 times a day, and wants to spend all evening talking on the phone. My problem is, I am enjoying my new freedom, and try to do lots of extracurricular activities. She gets upset when I don't want to talk, and when I don't return her calls/emails.

 

I'm afraid that all of this has really turned me off the relationship, not to mention the distance which is never going to change. Because both of us have shared custody of our children we are tied to where we live. I'm finding it exhausting, and not sure this is what I want.

 

However I'm very afraid to tell her how I feel, even though I know that's what I have to do. I know she's very much in love with me, and has thoughts of being together forever. I just don't feel the same way. I'm afraid though, that in the early time of our relationship I felt the same way, and now I don't. She is going to be very hurt, and I don't think she'll deal with this as well as I will, because she's definately not at the point that I am.

 

I know what you are all going to say, but I just don't want to do it.

 

 

Thanks all!!!

[GeminiWoman]

EP, I am not yet a regular on this forum but hope to be. I did read your thread about your breakup. So for what it's worth, here's my two cents.....

 

Background - I'm 3 months into a separation from my husband at my request.

 

I think your gut instincts about this relationship are dead-on. You have only recently separated and need time to be by yourself. Part of the healing process is learning to be by yourself and enjoying it. That is where you are right now - enjoying your freedom. It's a good place to be when you've gone through the hell of separation.

 

Your g/f sounds very needy. She has also only recently separated and for whatever reason she has latched onto you. IMHO, neither of you are probably ready for that serious of a relationship. This could end up being a 'rebound' relationship for you.

 

I think it's important to sit her down and tell her what you have said here and get her response. If she is in a rational mode, she will see what you are saying and agree. She will probably be hurt but if you don't do this, then you are leading her on and she will be even more hurt in the long run. You may not need to end it but it definitely sounds like you both need to back off quite a bit. The issue with the kids would make it very difficult for you to have a long-term relationship at this point in your lives. Plus, you owe it to yourself to 'play the field' a bit after just coming out of a long-term marriage.

 

If she is not in a rational state of mind, she will probably be very upset and will probably lash out at you. Sometimes when people are just ending a long-term marriage, they become very needy and get attached to quickly to the next person who comes along. This is not a good basis for a relationship and will eventually backfire. Personally, I think you would be doing her a favor by putting the brakes on this. As corny as it sounds, if it was meant to be, things will come together at a later date when you are both in a 'better' place. Cheers.

[El-Producto]

Welcome to the forums.. and thanks for the thoughts.

 

I agree with everything you've said ,and I know what I have to do. She is an amazing woman, and I'm not saying I don't care about her immensely, I just know that we are at different places with this relationship. It has been great, but recently I've been kind of "freaking out", when I think about it. I feel sort of rushed, and trapped... and I know this is going to hurt her, but I don't know what else to do.

 

It's driving me crazy, but I'm so afraid of hurting her. I really care about her.

 

My other question is... how does one "back off" from an intense relationship. I know I could do with a lot less phone calls. At the beginning the conversations were great, 3 and 4 hours would fly by. Now we often just sit on the phone not saying anything at all, or making small talk. It drives me crazy, but I know she thrives on the phone calls. She doesn't have the friends or the extracurricular activities that I do.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why dont you tell her upfront to slow the hell down!

 

I dont understand when people cannot just voice their opinions to their loved ones! Just tell her to ease up and take it steady. Set the pace for the relationship. And things will fall into place. You've met a good woman after your ex do you really want to start over because of a little insecurity on your part????

[GeminiWoman]

My other question is... how does one "back off" from an intense relationship. I know I could do with a lot less phone calls. At the beginning the conversations were great, 3 and 4 hours would fly by. Now we often just sit on the phone not saying anything at all, or making small talk. It drives me crazy, but I know she thrives on the phone calls. She doesn't have the friends or the extracurricular activities that I do.

 

Well, it's obvious that the number of phone calls is a problem, so i would suggest to her maybe limiting the calls to 3-4 times a week, once a day at most. Also the fact that she doesn't have any friends or hobbies is a problem. Do you really want to be with someone that dependent on you? Because it will only get worse with time. Try encouraging her to get out more and make some friends. I suspect that is exactly the reason she has latched on to you. To me, that says she's not very emotionally healthy. You don't say why her marriage ended but that may have played a big part in the breakup. It's very hard to live with someone who doesn't have outside interests and other forms of emotional support. My husband was like this to a large degree. It becomes very exhausting to be someone's only confidante. Also, in the beginning of the relationship it is natural to want to spend that much time trading information but after a certain point, unless you are both big talkers, it would get tiring. I'm sure you have other things you need or want to be doing.

 

I happened upon a 'long distance relationship' section here on LS last night. It was very interesting. They might have some good advice for you over there on how to maintain LDR without it engulfing your everyday life.

[El-Producto]

I know her lack of extracurricular activities is a problem, I've mentioned it in the past. She makes me feel bad when I go out to do stuff... something which really bothers me.

 

I know the stuff I need to address, but I really worry about her and how she'll react. She is a very intelligent, thoughtful person, but not always rational.

 

I'm tempted to pull back a bit, and see what happens, control the contact on my end. I don't want to make a mistake I might regret, she is a great woman and I don't want to mess up something that has the potential to be great.

 

I had another red flag recently as well. I was chatting back and forth on facebook with another co-worker, who happens to be female. We are good friends and that's it. This co-worker posted that we should go out for drinks sometime, now that we don't work in the same department. My GF took that as her hitting on me, but she only meant go out as a group. She got very jealous, and when I tried to explain it, she said that everytime she admits insecurity, I get upset.

[PWSX3]

You have gotten some very good advice here, & I have a feeling it is the same answers you have thought threw in your head.

 

If you don't talk it out with her then you are also hurting yourself as you have posted....

I see it this way, if she gets all pissed off then I don't feel this is a person you want to spend a lot of time with.

 

Like others have said it sounds like she really needs to find herself & who she is, it really sounds like she is using you to make herself happy & that isn't good for a relationship.

 

You need to tell her what you are feeling & then go from there, I have a feeling that will also help you see what kind of a person she really is.

[Bobby NoBrains]

I was putting myself in the shoes of your "gf" and trying to see how it feels. OP, if you don't feel that way about her you should tell her straight up without beating around the bush. That way is hurtful but it makes the situation simpler and gets you out of the hassles you're facing and in the long run it is the best alternative for you.

 

However, if you still want a relationship with this woman, but if she is crowding you too much and making you uncomfortable, then you should sit her down and talk to her, preferably in person. Let her know that her becoming too intense too quickly is stifling you in the relationship and because of your recent history you are not comfortable with this situation as it is right now. That you need her to help you progress in the relationship slowly one step at a time. That if she wants something nice out of this relationship she will have to understand how you feel and accomodate your feelings into her plans for the two of you without any promises of a long-term relationship.

 

Just make sure you're clear with her about what you want to say and how you feel, so that she is also able to take an informed decision based on the true facts of how you feel about her and about the situation. If she still does not change her behaviour, take that as a warning bell. But if she does, well, maybe you can have something nice going.

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[GeminiWoman]

EP, I don't want to be negative here but the more details you give us the more red flags I see. They're shooting up all over the place.

 

She sounds like a very insecure person. The lack of friends and hobbies, the jealously....this doesn't sound like something that has the potential to be great. It sounds like a train-wreck waiting to happen.

 

It also sounds like you are concerned you might not find someone better. And that's not the point. The point is, is this the type of relationship you want to be in? If not and she isn't able to see why these things are issues that she needs to address, then you need to walk away, regardless of what 'potential' you might see in the relationship. People marry everyday based on potential and then they end up bitter, disappoint, hurt and frequently divorced. You will never change another person nor can you rescue them from their problems. You need to look at what it 'is' not what it might be. Hope this isn't coming across as harsh. That is not my intent. Hugs.

[Gunny376]

"DOLT!" (Slapping forehead "Homer Simpson" ~ style!

 

There's several things that are going on here ~ the first and foremost is that you went and got your happy azz a girlfriend!

 

You see, you're thinking ~ from back in tha' day? But in "post-divorce" world you go out on a second date with some women ~ you've got yourself a girlfriend! And I mean that literally!

 

I've actually have gone out with more than one woman on a second date ~ who told me! "I've got myself a boyfriend!"

 

And man oh man ~ Have you ever got yourself a girlfriend! Your deep behind enemy lines now my friend!

 

Sorry to laugh at your expense~ its a "rookie vs vet" thing! Can't help but laugh! Don't sweat it? You'll get better at it as time goes by! :lmao::lmao:

 

Another thing that is going on here is with you! You're getting your self-confidence back from the divorce. You went into this relationship with your "girlfriend" (:lmao:) feeling a little needy and wanting some reassurance that you were such a bad guy afterall? That you still "had it" and that you were attractive, yadda, yadda, yadda! And you got it? And now that you got it? You're feeling better about yourself and about your life and your ready to move on and forward with your life! AKA as

 

"Thanks for being there for me! But, I'm feeling a lot better about myself ~ NOW! And now I don't need you anymore?

 

And so you won't to break it off with her or at least lower it down a notch or two. Because in your heart of hearts? You know, I know, this isn't ever going to work!

 

You're five hours apart, she can't and won't leave where she's living and neithe will you? You know that whatever she's got to offer, you can find just as good if not better ~ just as much as if not more locally ~ without the five hour commute X 2 a month!

 

And three kids? By another man? I'm all about if a man loves a woman ~ really loves a woman, that her having three kids ~ but hearing "You're not my Daddy!" X's 3 gets old, quick, fast and in a hurry like~ especially when you're the one that's putting a roof over their head, clothes on their back, and bringing the bacon home?!

 

The fact of the matter is? You're going to have grow a thicker skin! Not every gal you meet is going to be the "one"

 

And your going to just have to tell this little gal? "This isn't working for me!" Just that plain? Just that simple!

 

You're free, single and over 18, where you go and what you do and who you do it with? Isn't anyone's business but your own. She's got a problem with that? That's what it is! Her problem!

 

Your most recent post? Is the reason I tell folks not to get serious for at least one year if not two after the ink is dried on the divorce papers!

 

People think ~ "I've got my divorce papers! I'm free! I'm off the roller-coaster!"

 

WRONG!

 

It takes a good year or two get off the emotional roller-coaster for most!

 

Some people never get off it! Thirty years after the divorce ~ they're still crying in their beer!

[Ladyjane14]

You already know what you have to do, EP. The fact that you're having so much trouble doing it just proves that you're not ready for this level of commitment yet. That's conflict avoidance, my friend. And in order to be healthy in your next long-term relationship, you need to be comfortable handling conflict.

 

It's my WORST thing btw, so I feel ya.

 

I don't see any reason why you can't have this conversation over the phone. Sure, she might like it better in person... but I think you need to have a way to bring the conversation to a conclusion without feeling pressured. Call it a handicap if you will. Just make sure you include these words so there's no chance of miscommunication... "I need to break up with you".

 

Go ahead and apologize if you feel like you've misled her. But, don't be too hard on yourself either. That's a grown woman, and she knew you were just coming out of a bad break-up. We each have to take 100% responsibility for our own actions, and you weren't in this alone.

[El-Producto]

Well, I stuck with my guns and was honest about my feelings. Needless to say it didn't go over well. She barely spoke to me for about a week after, acting very strange on the phone. Then about 1 week after I told her.. I get this email saying that she's sorry but she's seeing someone else, and it wouldn't be right for her to talk to me anymore, so she is removing me from facebook, and won't be emailing either.

 

 

I was shocked.. pretty big change for someone that only a week before was ready to marry me.

 

All in all I'm really glad.. it shows that my intuition was right... and you know what? It feels great to be single!!! I'm just going to have fun, but not get involved with anyone for a LONG time.

 

 

Thanks again for the solid advice all.

[notspiritual]

Congratulations for avoiding another poisonous woman!

[GeminiWoman]

Congratulations on making a healthy choice. You did a great job identifying the problem and dealing with it. That is step in the right direction in finding a healthy relationship. Obviously, the woman has issues. Cheers.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Goddam!!!

 

You dodge more bullets than NEO himself!!!

 

Good for you, your gut was on point!!!

[Gunny376]

Ya did good! Proud of ya!

 

Re-claim your life!