Trying to get her back..Just might?

[yippkiyay]

OK So I have known this girl for years. We always caught each others eye and admired each other. Here’s where it gets complicated, She used to date a friend of mine. Well, more like a friend of a friend. He locked her in the house for three years was very abusive (psychologically) would go out do drugs and have sex with other women and come home. For three years he lived this double life and she had no idea. It crushed me to see him put her through this but it was none of my business. Finally she figured out his double life and left him once and for all. They have been broken up for two years now.

 

Over the course of the two years they were broke up we flirted but I always kept her at arms length because I felt a loyalty to him. I even went as far on a couple occasions of deleting her number from my phone. Well this past July/August we started seeing each other. We would hang out, talk on the phone, I made her dinner and then we were talking allot. Then she would come visit me at school and then I took her on a wine trail. And we started becoming intimate. We really had a great time together our personalities meshed really well. I mean I guys it was really great. So we were intimate for about a week (very intimate) and I started to freak. I had a gut feeling she was seeing someone else as well. I know, I know we didn’t have an exclusive talk. Well I started freaking out because I felt this enormous need to know exactly where it was going now, what kind of person is she really? Am I gonna marry this girl? This was a ll fueled by the fact that I was putting a friendship on the line and I wasn’t sure how other people were going to feel about the situation.

 

Let’s move back a little bit. After she broke up with him she changed a little. She started going out allot, dating allot, bars, my space the whole thing. She flies this freedom flag and has a wall up and was paranoid that I was gonna turn out controlling like her ex. He made her give up friends beat up her ex boyfriends etc. etc. She was kind of an abused child as well. Her mother bit her and beat her. She was adopted. Her parents were wealthy and never gave her money for college and she moved out when she was 18. Shes very independent but thinks the world is against her. SO my behavior of needing to now what is going on and pressing the fast forward button sent up a red flag for her.

 

I started prodding, investigating looking at her text messages etc. I know that’s not classy but I was trying to whey whether or not my loyalty should be with him or her. I had talks with some friends about it. Some said it was not a good thing. Some said he was a piece of **** and if I was gonna treat her right then it was worth it and she he should understand.

 

It was to late, She went out of town I assumed she was with a guy she used to date that she is still in touch with and is friends with her friends. She came home called me a bunch of times because she missed me and to come meet her. I had been getting hammered at my sisters all day, I was stressed because I didn’t know how to talk to her about this stuff. Was she doing anything wrong? I don’t know I meet her at the bar and long story short I act like a drunk jerk. I confront her about this other guy, I ask her about text messages, I pressure her about our situation with the guy she was with for three years, all while I’m hammered and its nothing butt diarrhea coming out of my mouth , I vaguely remember her telling me she just wanted to be with me and I got teary eyed. OH MY GOD! Shoot me.

 

Anyways she takes me home and puts me to bed. She sleeps in the other room. We hang out that day go to the zoo and stuff and have a great time. We go to a concert a couple days later and things seem great during the day. We go to a concert together a couple days later have a great time and even talk a little about what happened. I told her I didn’t want to share her with anybody else. I’ve read that guys never pickup when a girl is losing interest. I think this is when it started. We went home after the concert…no intamacy.

 

She calls me to come to lunch with her a couple days later, starts crying and tells me she doesn’t want t9o be intimate with anybody anymore. I tell her to take her space for the weekend and maybe we can see how we feel next week. She tells me to keep in touch. I do. Long story short I see her out with him (the guy she dated not to long ago) on Saturday night. She sees me out with this 20 year old Barbie look alike. I take the girl to a after hours and then drop her off. I could have nailed but I’m just not like that when I’m caught up in someone else.

 

I find out from her neighbor that she had him sleepover her place. I feel betrayed because when I first started dating her she played it off like I was the only guy who had been to her apartment in a long time. And now this? Boom she starts text me all day the next day. Asking e about the girl I was with I ignore her calls. The next day at 9 in the morning on labor day she asks me to come get my sunglasses. Oh by the way I sent her flowers over the weekend with a letter as well. I ignore her text. She calls me and asks me to come shopping with her.

 

Fine I go shopping and I start asking her questions about Saturday. She says she had no sleepovers. Later we are on her couch and she lays down on me and says she still feels safe in my arms but she still feels a little weird. I confront her about having him sleepover she cries says she’s confused and nothing happened. She wanted nothing to do with him but I spooked her.

 

I believe her I sleep over the next couple days, still no intimacy. We talk a few days later work things out and I think we are 100% back together again. We talk on the phone constantly over the next couple weeks she is constantly texting me but I feel like I’m begging her to hang out with me. I find myself competing with her friends. I start smothering her. Then one night she asks me if I drove by her house. I get offended. Her psycho ex used to do that kind of ****. I blow up on her. Turns out she was just wondering if I was in the neighborhood. She lives in a popular area. Real smooth on my part.

 

She doesn’t talk to me for a couple days. I start calling her she doesn’t return my calls. I text her asking her to please call me. She starts going off on me about how I am being needy and our personalities might not be right for each other. She says all kinds of red flags went up and she thinks I put something in my body to make me react the way I did. She assumes I was doing drugs like her ex did because we hang out with the same people. Its to complicated to early and she can’t take it anymore. She still wants to run to me when she sees me though. Then I start telling her about red flags she put up for me and she gets defensive and says we are beating a dead horse. She doesn’t want to be my mother constantly correcting me. The things I’ve done and the way I’m acting remind her of her as a teenager. She said she hates when I act like a girl god love her LOL. She says I’m constantly analyzing the relationship and she can’t take it anymore. All I’ve been trying to do is work things out! She starts telling me its none of my business what she does and other guys don’t constantly ask her what she is doing.

 

I immediately slip into NC. I send her a text the next day saying I’m sorry and maybe I will see her down the road. I say I guess I just always thought that if someone didn’t show interest in what you did then they didn’t care. She responds with “what?” I say its nothing to go on about hope things are good.

 

2 and a half weeks later I send her a text be cause to much NC with a short history might not work. I send a inside joke and a hello, I didn’t think I was gonna get a response. She immediately responds with a pet name she used to call me.

 

2 or 3 weeks after that I Instant message her on AOL-

Me: Hi

Her: Hi

Me: How have you been?

Her: Good and u?

Me: Good, Good

Me: I was gonna call u this week see what the latest and greatest is

Her: I don’t have a latest and greatest

OUCH! I thought I was dead in the water there

5 minutes later

Her: What have you been doing?

Me: Lots of work

Her: I’ll bet

Me: did you go to the game?

Her: No I didn’t

Me: It was fun but traffic was insane

Her: My boss said the same thing

I stop responding, Three days later (Friday) I send her this email:

 

I just realized I haven’t seen you in a month or so. Today

I laughed because we’ve had some fun together. I’m not gonna open old

wounds but want to address the result and bury the hatchet once and

for all. Maybe it started with questioning my loyalty to him, a

loyalty he didn’t deserve, but in the end he led me to you and I’m

thankful for that. Still though, my judgment was clouded and I didn’t

take into consideration your boundaries and where you were as a person

and your journey. I was selfish and tried to make you feel wrong for

feeling the way you did about the mistakes I made. I thought with

enough effort I could fix everything before I got busy with school. I

set aside stuff in my life and crowded yours. I thought I could play

God and lost my patience. I acted like a jerk. After that I figured

maybe only time could heal our friendship. I guess we’ll see. I’ve

had a change of heart these past weeks..or better yet a return too.

Either I?m crazy to be sending you this or I’d be crazy not too. It

bothers me I let so much unnecessary crap drive a wedge between us. I

miss you. I hope we can meet again for the first

See ya

She responded with this: a smiley face.

Now I’ve been doing all the things to keep my life in order. School Work, dating etc. Even reading self help books. I know eventually I’ll get over it and move on so I don’t need to hear all that. I just really want to start over with her an get your guys opinion on the matter. Some people think this smiley face was a good sign some think it was shallow. I’m just trying to take responsibility for what I did to contribute to the end. I really feel like things could have been allot better and there is no reason why down the road we can’t wipe the slate clean. I can’t change the past this has been a nightmare but I’ve learned from it. Yes I could move on but talk to me about the chances of us picking things up. I have been focusing on the negatives and seems to have filed up enough space.

[norajane]

our personalities might not be right for each other

 

I agree with this 100%.

 

You aren't right for each other, that's very clear. It's not supposed to be this hard, and there are too many issues to make it work. Neither of you truly trust each other. Both of you see too many red flags.

 

Maybe some time down the road when she's had time to deal with her issues and regained some sense of self, and when you have more control over your desire for her, you can give it a try. For now, give it a rest and let it go.

 

And for the record, a smiley face in response to your email is not a reason to hope - it's non-committal and means nothing.

[yippkiyay]

I partly agree with aside from the personalities thing. I believe she only said this because she was venting. Our personalities are what brought us together. It is extenuating circumstances that I let screw up my thinking and open pandoras box. Yes the damage is done. I've never dated someone who has been with a friend of mine before. I didn't know how to handle the situation and I opened Pandoras Box. A spiral began. When she said our personalities don't mesh is because at the taime she saw me as acting needy and needing more attention then she could give. In the end I was just going over board trying to fix things so I've backed off.

[norajane]

Don't underestimate how messed up she is after that 3 year abusive relationship, and all the acting out she's doing. It's not all you - she's not able to be in a real relationship at this point.

 

She should really be in therapy.

[Curmudgeon]

Curmudgeon's first rule of relationships: Never enter into one with someone who brings along more baggage than will fit in the overhead compartment.

 

Neither your history nor hers are very promising in this regard. Besides, you're still hanging with someone you say abused and virtually imprisoned her for three years. If this is how you choose or what you condone as friends then I think you're a long way from being ready for anything but a very casual relationship.

 

If you feel you have to remake yourself to fit her into your life then it's doomed. The same goes for her.

 

Granted, I'm years beyond the dating scene but I don't recall it ever being that complicated. Perhaps that's because whenever it turned to pure drama and there were more problems than pleasures, I'd bow out. It was a sure signal that it wasn't meant to be.

[yippkiyay]

I guess i thought after two years she would be ready to find common ground with someone. I understand why you would duck out because ogf the drama. Yet i also feel like the drama could have been prevented and its just a shame.

[Curmudgeon]

It probably could have been prevented and it's always a shame when a marriage or other significant relationship heads south. However, the good new is that it frees you to pursue others. One might end up better.

[yippkiyay]

I appreciate what your saying and that makes allot of sense. I guess I just don't really click very often with girls. Don't get me wrong where I go to school its Jappy girls from long island but they have no personalitys. So am I putting this one on a pedestal? I don't know. Will I fimd someone better? Maybe Obviously there are 6 billion people on the planet. Frankly what allot of people fail to realize is this: on these forums when things work out for people they stop chiming in. We are left with nothing but negativity. I've nailed girls that are wayyyyyyyy hot, I have dated. I can say that with the ut most confidence. But you have to play your cards right. I realy like someone that hits me plutonicaly. It makes the sex so much btter. I appreciate the critisism from you guys because I a learning from it though. Please continue.

[yippkiyay]

when do u guys think i should contact her again? if at all. maybe just wait to run into her again? that doesnt seem to happen often anymore

[Curmudgeon]

when do u guys think i should contact her again?

 

In a word, "Not!"

[carrotgirl]

OK So I have known this girl for years. We always caught each others eye and admired each other.

She used to date a friend of mine. Well, more like a friend of a friend. He locked her in the house for three years was very abusive (psychologically) would go out do drugs and have sex with other women and come home. For three years he lived this double life and she had no idea.

Yah. I'm trying to think of a way to say this without sounding judgmental but I'm at a loss. What is wrong with you? How do you figure you're a friend to this woman when you knowingly allowed her to be abused for three years?

[yippkiyay]

thats so unfair i only knew her in passing threw the guy she was dating. What am I supposed to do? Shes a big girl. You know how many times I've tryed to talk sense into women and they just don't listen? And then I look like the bad guy and she staays with him. She had to figure it out for her self

[birdie]

I agree. Carrot girl's comment was unfair

[carrotgirl]

You're saying you think it's excusable to KNOW of someone, anyone, friend or not, being abused? For THREE years? And for all that time it's excusable to stand by doing nothing?

 

Yah. I don't think it's at all unfair to question what part of this is the act of a friend.

[yippkiyay]

He was mean to har Allot towards the end and he cheated on her constatntly, how is that any of my business during a time when I hardly knew her? Am I supposed to rescue every girl on this planet?

[birdie]

You're saying you think it's excusable to KNOW of someone, anyone, friend or not, being abused? For THREE years? And for all that time it's excusable to stand by doing nothing?

 

Yah. I don't think it's at all unfair to question what part of this is the act of a friend.

 

so what would you do? considering that people are usually in abusive relationship for co-dependency reasons and they can walk away if they really want to.

[yippkiyay]

what? I feel like were getting off topic here

[yippkiyay]

Thinking about contacting her soon. What I get from the away messages she leaves on AIM maybe shes seeing some guy but shes miserable and he has been stringing her along. Then again maybe thats what she wants. any comments?

[yippkiyay]

I would just like to say that I ran into her last night and we nailded hard. thanks for all the negativity guys. allthough I will say read alloot of books and it helps. and rent the secret. negative bitches. HOLLA!

[yippkiyay]

I would like to apoliogiaze for my vulgar langueage last night. I had some pent up feelings with her. In the end noone should lose hope on this site. The best art is rooted in madness. (steveJobs) Presure can bend steel but it can also make diamonds (Russel simmons) Maybe I'll wind up with her maybe I won't. Its all in your game guys. Just play your damn cards right. Use your head and not your heart in a break up situation. If i did all the things my body told me to I would be dead now.