I can't even refill the soap right.

[Touche]

Just curious, do you talk to your own H that way??

I for one admire any man who is willing to do the dishes. Even if he's not good at it. You married women don't appreciate how great you have it!!

 

Mr. Romantic, you fill up that soap dispenser with whatever you g**d*mn well please.

 

Of course not, honey. He's already a man..no need for me to ever tell him to BE one. Get it?

 

Trust me, I appreciate every single thing my man does. And I let him know it too.

 

But this isn't about me now is it? Back on topic please.

 

And yeah, I already said this has nothing to do with the damn soap, obviously.

 

Mr. Romantic, perhaps you should show that kind of spunk you displayed toward directx to your wife now and then? I'm not kidding. He is right.

 

And if you run away and don't want to acknowledge that some of us are right about this, then you just proved our point - that you're not being a man.

 

I really wanted to help but I'll go away now. Good luck, Mr. Romantic. I did mean well.

[Unluckilymadlyinlove]

Mr Romantic,

 

I see a lot of bashing of you on this forum.... "be a man," blah, blah, blah....

 

No one should be treated like that, and perhaps your wife didn't even realize she was being rude or perhaps had a rough day and took it out on you. She could just be a perfectionist, in which case, you need to explain to her that you are not.

 

I am in the same boat, accept the opposite.....nothing I ever do is good enough for my husband. WHen he makes me feel like that, I simply write him a letter/email to let him know how it makes me feel.

 

I suggest letting her know how it makes you feel, perhaps by email or a letter so you can think your thoughts through rather than just getting in a yelling match and possibly saying things you don't really mean.

 

This always works for me. He may not respond and if he does he is usually understanding and he always works on it....it is getting sooooo much better.

 

I know from being in your situation that it makes you not want to do anything because it is never good enough anyways....if I were you I would explain that too....maybe she won't be so quick to judge so harshly next time because she might be left to do it herself.

[Unluckilymadlyinlove]

To all the women bashing Mr. Romantic,

 

Everyone has things that bother them. We can't possibly know all the details of his situation or all the aspects of their marriage.

 

I am sure at some point or another you have all had things that may have seemed dumb to others that really bothered you in your relationships.

 

Mr. Romantic came on here because he was genuinely upset and wanted to get some advice. This is supposed to be a supporting forum, not a bashing session to make yourself feel better.

 

Go take your bashing out on your husbands and stop being mean to people on here just asking for advice. Mr. Romantic has done nothing to you and has been suprisingly nice give how rude you have all been.

[Touche]

We were telling the truth..not bashing. I was trying to help. Sorry you don't "approve' of my style. I'm not everyone's cup o' tea. I get that. But I was truly trying to help. It was obvious what the issue was to me and to some others.

[reboot]

To all the women bashing Mr. Romantic,

I hate to tell you this, but half the people posting in this thread are men.

[directx]

You know what dipstick, you must be a real man. I'm just a regular man.

You would no doubt tell your wife '**** off Bitch. If you don't like it, kiss

my ass'.

 

I don't have to run to a forum to complain. I did come to the forum to blow

off some steam rather than create more of a ****storm here at home by saying "'**** off Bitch. If you don't like it, kiss

my ass".

 

I guess I should be a real man.

Maybe you'd like to inspect my testicles. But then again, you'd probably

expect the same treatment.

 

Now if you weren't so scared of your wife and talk to her like this she might have some respect for you. Alas, she has, how do you Americans say, "the pants in the family."

 

Use the anger and emotion you unleashed on me and unleash it on her.

Let her know she married someone that is not a pushover.

[Toolate]

Oh stop the whining and be a man. My H and I always get after each other over stupid stuff like that. We just don't take it so seriously.

 

Obviously there's more that you're bothered by than just the stupid dishwashing liquid. So what's REALLY bugging you?

 

Care to talk about it?

 

 

Heh, you dont get it, this stuff can bring a man down to nothing. Its just the soap so what the big deal right? This smells like abuse.

 

MR, she will keep doing this until you make her stop. Or when the time comes and you are completley beat down from the nagging she will lose all respect for you. She obviously isnt going to quite, you have to step up, yes you may become an ******* in her eyes. But you know better.

[Mr. Romantic]

I think it's laughable that coming into the forum to discuss

"soap" turned into questioning one's manhood.

 

Brilliant.

 

OK, some of you get it, and I appreciate that.

 

 

And if anyone says "you Americans" blah, blah, blah without posting

where they are from, well they're just cowards. John Wayne my ass.

[OpenBook]

Heh, you dont get it, this stuff can bring a man down to nothing. Its just the soap so what the big deal right? This smells like abuse.

 

And people wonder why H's cheat on their W's...

[Scrivdog]

You people are a fine bunch. You spend your days berating guys in sexless marriages to help with the housework because that really gets the ladies hot - and in the same breath you s*t down the guy's throat because he doesn't like it when all he gets for his efforts is more bullsh*t from the wife whose work he's taking over.

 

Hey Mr. Romantic - I bet the sex life sucks, too doesn't it? Am I right or am I right?

 

I say go on strike.

[Woggle]

You people are a fine bunch. You spend your days berating guys in sexless marriages to help with the housework because that really gets the ladies hot - and in the same breath you s*t down the guy's throat because he doesn't like it when all he gets for his efforts is more bullsh*t from the wife whose work he's taking over.

 

Hey Mr. Romantic - I bet the sex life sucks, too doesn't it? Am I right or am I right?

 

I say go on strike.

 

So true. I will tell a woman that if she doesn't like the way I do things she can do it herself.

[directx]

I think it's laughable that coming into the forum to discuss

"soap" turned into questioning one's manhood.

 

Brilliant.

 

OK, some of you get it, and I appreciate that.

 

 

And if anyone says "you Americans" blah, blah, blah without posting

where they are from, well they're just cowards. John Wayne my ass.

 

Coward? Listen mate, I'm not the one with my me tail between me legs when wifey yells about me about a soap dish.

And hearing the meal 'yummy'. What are we, 12? Does she not talk like an adult?

She's got you trained well, blimey!

She don't respect you, comrad! Since you have some guts here, why don't you both use a computer and chat via forum!

Now there's and idea!

[Kasan]

Mr. R.,

 

Do you often cook dinner--if not, what were your expectations? Was this a prelude to a romantic evening?

 

Do you often help out at home? Is she appreciative then? What is this really about?

[EnigmaXOXO]

The foaming soap was low, so I grabbed the dishsoap and refilled

the dispenser.

 

NOOOO. That's the WRONG soap, it puts a coating on the pots that

ruins them. The soap is 'Sunlight Ultra' dish soap.

 

Sooooo all the goods get screwed by the one bad.

 

Is that how women keep score??

 

No ... that’s how you clean the dishes AND the kitchen floor at the same time.

 

The last time I put “foaming soap” in the dishwasher (by accident) ... I was wading through 3 foot of bubbles and couldn’t find the cat. :o

[Ladyjane14]

I think DirectX was certainly... er.. "direct" with his commentary, but nevertheless, I agree with his basic premise. I'm not talking about "manhood". There are some things that apply regardless of gender. One of those things is that people will treat you like you let them.

 

If I'd done similar to what your wife did... my husband would have made it NOT worth my while to needle him. Hell, I'd have done the same... the only difference being that I probably wouldn't have chucked the soap dispenser out onto the lawn.

 

There are times when facing conflict actually IMPROVES a relationship. When you're in a position where you're building resentment, IMO it's better to go ahead and hash it out. Resentment is poison, a strong one, which can eventually destroy your marriage. So, if you can't avoid conflict without harboring hard feelings... go ahead and engage. It's healthy.

[Cobra_X30]

Jesus,

 

No wonder I never wanted to post anything here.

 

Listen,

 

Some women are just ungrateful brats!

 

You've been told all of your life what that you need to do these things to make a marriage work smooth. But lets face facts, you married an A-Hole!

 

Back in the day, you'd just punch her in the face and she would shut up and not do it again. Now, its not so easy, you have to be a little more crafty about it.

 

So, listen I know you just want to vent. But Touche has a point, you have to treat her like a 2 yo right now. Verbally put her in the naughty corner!

[Kenyth]

I'm going to make a wild guess here. She's tired all the time and you run circles around her in the energy department? If this is the case, she may be very frustrated and jealous of you. She may feel completely inadequate and is taking it out on you.

 

Is she tired a lot? Does she have any minor conditions, such as hypoglycemia, allergies, or mild athsma? Is she overweight to the point where she gets tired easily?

[Touche]

Heh, you dont get it, this stuff can bring a man down to nothing. Its just the soap so what the big deal right? This smells like abuse.

 

MR, she will keep doing this until you make her stop. Or when the time comes and you are completley beat down from the nagging she will lose all respect for you. She obviously isnt going to quite, you have to step up, yes you may become an ******* in her eyes. But you know better.

 

People throw the word "abuse" around way too casually. This is NOT abuse. I assure you. I DO get it. I was actually in a real abusive relationship..yep for nine damn years. So I get it.

 

LJ, great post. You said what I was saying in a much more diplomatic way (that's nothing new though!)

 

Sorry, Open Book, you're barking up the wrong tree. This is NO excuse to cheat on your spouse. Mr. Romantic simply needs to change the dynamic he has going with his wife right now...not cheat on her. How will that solve anything? Is THAT being a man? Not in my world.

[LovinglyFrustrated]

My boyfriend complains to me constantly that nothing will ever be good enough for me. He says he puts in tons of effort, but that I am never happy with it, that I always want more. What he doesn't get is that I want consistency. He expects me to be satisfied if he cooks dinner twice in a 6 month period. I am grateful for everything he does, but no matter how often I praise him he won't get his act together and do it on a regular basis, so I get snippy. I know he doesn't deserve the bad attitude but it gets very frustrating. I wonder if you and your wife are in the same boat?

 

My boyfriend tells me that I need to be more vocal about what chores I need help with, but sometimes it feels like he doesn't even live here. He doesn't know where the cleaning supplies are, where the rags and broom are, etc. He does a half-assed job when he cleans because he "doesn't care about it as much". I could totally see him using the wrong soap, as you did, and me reacting like your wife did, not because of the soap but perhaps the principle behind it.

 

I work more hours than my boyfriend does and do about 80% of the chores on weekends, so I expect I am setting the standard for how things get done here. When he DOES do something, and doesn't put the same attention in it as I do, I get pissed off because I know if I can do it, so can he.

[Mustang Sally]

I think your situation is completely different!

 

It totally changes the dynamic when you dont even like your wife. It's easier to be a prick when your hoping for a divorce!

Doh!

 

Cobra!

You are naughty!

 

That being said, I will say that I think it's a bunch of xhit that men expect the congressional medal of honor for doing some basic household tasks!! (this includes YOU TOO, directx)

 

Jeeebuz! Does your W work? If she does, then maybe it's only fair that you do all this business that you expect nothing but her complete adoration for, every once in a while...

 

Do you give that back to her (your complete adoration) when she does this stuff for you everyday? Maybe she has a point about the soap and she was just trying to let you in on something that she's learned the hard way, ever think of that? Just an idea to consider....

[Kasan]

NOOOO. That's the WRONG soap, it puts a coating on the pots that

ruins them. The soap is 'Sunlight Ultra' dish soap.

 

Sooooo all the goods get screwed by the one bad.

 

Is that how women keep score??

 

IT SUCKS

 

I don't think that this is about keeping score at all--I am wondering you if are being a little too sensitive.

 

How was she supposed to tell you that you were going to make a potentially huge mess and ruin the pots? How come you didn't know this already--my husband would have! He fills the dishwasher up all the time.

 

And in the grand scheme of things is it really that big of a deal--or am I missing something here?

[DazedandConfused66]

Many women have no idea that they are critical of their spouses when the household chores are shared. This is a VERY common issue and you hear about it in almost EVERY MC resource out there. Women are given specific advice on how to NOT criticize their husbands and yet...they still do it.

 

But I have to somewhat side with the women posters here. When my wife critiques my performance on household chores, I calmly face her, eye to eye, do it the way she requests (if not already done) and tell her that my way was acceptable in getting it done NOW but if she's really concerned over it, I can do it her way next time.

 

Now I'll be blunt...we dont have that kind of formal chat....it's more like:

 

Her: "Hun, why did you use bleach on these? Now the sheets don't smell good."

Me: "The sheets are clean, they'll be dirty and smelly in another week. Sorry about that, next time remind me first ok?"

 

Done. No drama, no week-long sniping matches over it, etc. Just move on.

 

I don't think you need to rail on your wife. I do think you need to push back a bit and REMIND her that you don't appreciate the critique when YOU are doing the job. As long as it's done and the kids aren't dead and nobody is forced to wear pink t-shirts, it's not the end of the universe.

 

Over time, I've trained her (deal with it ladies) to not critique me when I help out. She's a SAH mom, she has a VERY tough job, I appreciate and respect everything she does. I say thank you quite often for little things....socks clean, laundry done, a savory dinner that didn't come completely out of cans and boxes, kids having straight teeth, etc. And in return, she no longer harps when I don't do things "just so."

 

It just ain't all that important in the grand scheme of things. No sense making a federal case out of it on either side. If she criticizes you, grow some backbone and push back a bit. Do it in a way that she knows you aren't upset at her preference for the way things NORMALLY get done, but that the critique isn't necessary or welcomed when YOU are doing it.

 

It's when YOU get angry over little things and SHE continues to goad you by doing them that things get ugly.

 

This is a very common topic with both Chapman's "Five Love Languages" and Gray's "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus." I suggest you both read those and practice some of the tips on ways to deal with this kind of sniping.

[Touche]

^Now THERE'S a MAN! That's what I'm talking about. You sound like my H, D&C.

[Integra]

Mr. Romantic..

 

Read Dazed's post over and over.....

 

This is what is meant about being a man.. You

don't have to be a confrontational frell-nix to

tell your W you didn't like the way she talked

to you. But you do have to tell her... For some

of us, it has taken years to be able to communicate

in the way that Dazed in describing.. But it has

been worth it in many, many ways..

 

I gotta tell ya though. For you not to know what

type of soap is used in the dishwasher, shows

(just by your post, I could be wrong) that you

don't help do the dishes very often.. This could be

part of the reason why your wife got snappy about

it.. Maybe you not knowing how to do it, was just

enough to bring up resentment from her, about you

not doing the dishes very often.

[Cobra_X30]

That being said, I will say that I think it's a bunch of xhit that men expect the congressional medal of honor for doing some basic household tasks!! (this includes YOU TOO, directx)

 

Jeeebuz! Does your W work? If she does, then maybe it's only fair that you do all this business that you expect nothing but her complete adoration for, every once in a while...

 

Do you give that back to her (your complete adoration) when she does this stuff for you everyday? Maybe she has a point about the soap and she was just trying to let you in on something that she's learned the hard way, ever think of that? Just an idea to consider....

 

Well, we all bring our own personal experiences into this particular topic.

 

Honestly... if this was a woman complaining about how her husband nitpicks everything she does, I dont think the responses would have been the same.

 

Fact is... it's not a husbands job to stop his wife from bieng an unappreciative jerk. Thats her job! He just needs to make sure that he is contributing and not dumping extra work on her lap.

 

I can feel the anger and exasperation in the OP's post. This guy's wife is so focused on the one thing wrong that she misses the entire picture. Sounds foolish and spoiled to me!

 

Obviously if she wants him to do this stuff more... she should perhaps consider making this a pleasurable experience instead of crapping on his work!