should I tell him?

[christiecat]

I've had my eye on a guy we'll call "Michael" for many months now. We've been flirting and then a little over a week ago he kissed me. At that time he got my phone # and said he'd call me. Well, by almost a week later he hadn't called and I was feeling like he must have lost interest. I was pretty upset at the idea of not having a chance with him. I went to my friends house and ended up getting drunk and I slept with a friend we'll call "David."

When I slept with David I thought I'd like to be with him, but the next day I started to feel differently. I finally realized that a big reason why it happened was because I was so upset over the fact that Michael hadn't called. I've spent the last few days being angry at myself because this could ruin any chances with Michael. We are all part of a group of friends that includes many other guys and a few girls. I've been good friends with all of these people for years. One friend found out that David had spent the night at my house and he told almost everyone about it before David or I had a chance to. I thought Michael had found out, but he finally called yesterday and apologized for not calling. He said he's been working a lot and that's why he couldn't call, but he wants to see me in a few days.

I would really like to date Michael, so I want to find a way to resolve this. I think I should tell him that I slept with David because he's going to find out sooner or later and it would be best if he heard it from me. But then again it will be very hard to tell him that and in a way it seems strange to since it's not like I cheated on him. So, in one way I feel that I should be honest and open and tell him what happened and that I want to date him. But, on the other hand I think maybe it's not something he needs to know because it's something I did when I'm not in a relationship with him. I also don't want to leave him in the dark and looking like a fool to our friends. Keeping my friendships with these people is the most important thing to me. I know that David is very understanding and will remain my friend even though I don't want a relationship with him. But, Michael may not be so understanding. What should I do? Does he need to know? And if so, what's the best way to go about telling him?

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "I think I should tell him that I slept with David because he's going to find out sooner or later and it would be best if he heard it from me."

 

DUH!!! And exactly why should you share this experience with David or anybody else??? It's this kind of mentality that got you into trouble in the first place. (I'll just go to bed with the guy now so he can see what I'm like in bed because he's going to find out sooner or later.)

 

Keep your mouth shut. If he finds out and he's mature, he won't even bring it up. If he does ask about it, you owe him no explanation whatsoever except to tell him that your involvement with anybody before him is personal, in your past and is over and done with PERIOD!!!

 

Your group of friends is pathetic. Even though you say you value them, they all apparently have big mouths and do not have your best interests in mind if they would talk about this. Friends are great to have but you don't have to share with them everytime a guy's penis is inside of you. There are some things that are personal. Have a party sometime and get the group in one room and discuss maturity and growing up with them. I think it's time.

 

Do you deal with all your disappointments over men by getting drunk and screwing your friends? This is something you really need to look into because you already know they've got big mouths and this personal stuff is going to be all over the front page of the National Enquirer. You need to do a careful review of your thinking here. You also need to do your drinking in places where "good friends" will be sure you don't do things you will regret....if you are so totally out of control of yourself.

 

So, bottom line....keep your mouth shut. David should keep his mouth shut. And I've already told you what to tell Michael if he brings it up. And if I were a female and a guy asked me if I had screwed somebody else recently, I would kick his royal butt and never speak to him again. If he did that, he would have absolutely no class whatsoever.

[christiecat]

First of all...I don't think being rude to people is going to help them at all. I came here looking for advice, not a judgement.

You said "Your group of friends is pathetic." Maybe we're all just 21 year olds still learning about life and relationships. No one is born knowing how to do everything right. And I don't see how one person having a big mouth makes everyone involved 'pathetic.'

And no, I do not always deal with my disappointments this way. I've been single and abstinate for a very long time. And I don't know everything about relationships because I'm 21 years old, so yes, I made a mistake. I don't regret what I did because I learned from it. I think it's good that I at least realized that's what I'd done instead of deluding myself about my feelings for either of the guys involved. And at least I'm trying to be honest and resolve this. I thought honesty was the best policy, especially when it comes to relationships. But, apparently I should be 'mature' which means keeping secrets from people I care about...which makes me look like a liar and may hurt them. That makes no sense to me.

Anyone else have some advice?

[yes]

i know how the college crowd is - everybody knows everything way too quickly.

 

i think tony's advice is good - don't tell M anything.

 

If he brings it up, simply ask how is it any of his business who you date? Is he going to write a biography of you?

 

If he asks if it's true that you slept w/ D - simply ask - why do you wanna know? do you keep a diary of who slept with who at home? etc - just make him look silly.

 

Until you two are exclusive, you're free to do whatever.

 

Now, it may create a bad impression - M may think you're easy, etc. But that can be fixed by holding things off with M - just take it slow.

 

good luck

-yes

[Tony T]

Sorry, I don't think all your friends are pathetic. Just the ones who stir shxt with their big mouths. You should dump them.

 

Yes, above, gives very good advice. If you don't take mine, please consider hers.

 

When I was in my teens, I had the tightest mouth in the South. I guess I should get used to the fact that others talk and gossip a lot more than I did.

 

One day, you will realize that zipping the lip about stuff that's nobody else's business is the best thing you can do to keep peace in your world. It's not lying to not tell somebody you went to bed with somebody.

[christiecat]

Thank you to both of you. I'm glad I am now able to see the other side of this. I'd really thought I should tell M, but now I see that's not the best way to go. I guess it didn't really occur to me that it is my personal business and not everyone has to know. I was always taught to be honest, but now I see that honesty is not the same as being an open book. And I realized how much of a pig my big-mouthed friend is being. But of course, there was a reason for it...I found out that the big-mouthed friend has a crush on me. So, he was jealous and I am going to have a talk with him.

I'm actually feeling very thankful for this experience because I feel like I'm learning a lot...especially learning to respect myself more. So again, thank you for the advice...it helped me see things in a different light.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "...now I see that honesty is not the same as being an open book."

 

Well good for you!!! If you learned something from this experience, then it wasn't all bad. Just remember, actions have consequences.