My wife has cheated!!!

[Birdman]

Here's my story..Me and my wife have been married for three years. For the most part our marriage has been good. The problem that I have is that it seems that she puts her friends before she puts me. Three times this year she has gone out to the club and hasn't come back home until 4:00 AM or 7:00 AM. This past summer she went on a vacation with her best friend. Now this is the kind of friend who is constantly having man troubles and sleeps around alot. The wife's friend has never had any respect for our marriage. while I was dating my wife I lived in another city and this friend of hers hooked my wife up with someone who my wife who was then my girlfriend ended up having an affair. I didn't find out until we were married and was actually in the process of leaving her when she said that she had been a faithful wife and what she had done was done before we were married. This put me in a difficult situation. I dealt with it and we moved on. i asked her not to have any communication with the guy and she agreed. However she has been communicating with his sparesly over the past few years. He lives in another state. Now in January she aske me if she could go to the islands with her best friend Melanie. I told her that it was cool. In march I found out that she had been communicating with the guy the she has had an affair with before we got married and I told her that due to her going back on her word I wasn't going to approve of her going with melanie. She played down the email stating that it was just a hello how you doing thing. When July came we talked about it again and she stated that she would never cheat on me and that i should start trusting her. So I did and she went to the island were she went on a date with some guy Melanie hooked hr up with. I read her chat log and she was bragging about it to her friends and she stated that she didn't do anything with the guy. On top of all that she is in middle of her friend Kim's affair as my wife is encouraging her to cheat on her husband due to them having major problems and has went on on dates with them and has passed messages. I read all of this in her chat log and immediately confronted my wife about what I had read. She started crying and stated that she only kissed him and that he was trying to get her to have sex with him but that she refused. She stated that she told him that she wasn't happy in our marriage and that it wasn't my fault. I asked her what the hell she meant and she stated that being married to me was like being married to a preacher in that I take my morals and values to heart. She stated that she feels that she can't live up to my expectations. She then stated that she doesn't want me to leave her and that she would do whatever it takes to make our marriage work.

 

1. Should I make her chose between her friends and our marriage. I problems always seem to arise when her friends are involved. Would I be wrong to ask her to drop her friends. I don't want to be the

2. We have great sex, we don't have financial problems.

3. She wants to go to marriage counseling.

4. Now she feels guilty and is kissing my ass. i don't like it and i want to tell her that it will be okay but at the same time I don't want her to think that i condone immoral behavior.

5. I have rebuilt my realtionship with god prior to learning of the affair and she comes to chruch with me but I don't feel that she is doing it for the right reasons.

6. I am not a controlling husband. I treat my wife as my equal. I have never cheated on her and have been put situations where I could have but I didn't. Like I said before my morals are very important to me.

 

I got married knowing that marriage is hard and I think that we can get past this but as long as she is associating with people who think that it is okay to cheat and has a best friend that has no respect for our marriage then I can have no peace. As of right now I am seriously leaning towards filing for divorce. I don't want to be a fool but at the sametime I want to be able to say that I did everything that I could to save my marriage. But isn't it up to her to prove that she wants to save her marriage? I haven't done anything wrong. What is it that I should ask of her or based on everything that I have typed is a sign that I should just proceed with divorce. I didn't want to make a decision out of anger.

[bestadvisor]

It seems that you have married the wrong woman; it seems that she is not marriage material based what you said she said.

 

IF you want to make it work, you have to make sure she let go of her partying friends and this other guy completely. Any contact with this other guy, email, phone, etc will be a deal breaker and what is a married woman doing paryting till the morning?

[Darth Vader]

She probably has slept around on you, you just don't have the evidence yet. When you do, then she'll be crying about how much it was a mistake, RIGHT! You should have never married her!

[Chrome Barracuda]

I'm sorry to say this but She sounds like a straight up ho! What kind of woman let's her friends hook her up on dates when she's already freaking married!!!! Does she think this is a game!!!

 

I think you should not only divorce her but expose her and all her friends!!! I mean start contacting all of the other husbands and boyfriends and hand them copies of the chat logs!!!

 

That melanie character deserves a hot one to the damn grill. She's one of those women who makes others miserable. It'sa time she had a taste of her own medicine!

 

Your wife is not marriage material that's just the way it is. She wants to run the streets she can do that as a single woman IMO. I'm sorry.

[Curmudgeon]

I asked her what the hell she meant and she stated that being married to me was like being married to a preacher in that I take my morals and values to heart. She stated that she feels that she can't live up to my expectations.

 

If you two are that far apart morally and ethically the marriage will only get worse. She may toe the line for awhile but her heart's not in it. It will be just a matter of time before she's off living her style of values which certainly doesn't sound like yours.

[jophil28]

You can't turn a Ho into a housewife !

Man I feel for you. This woman is unfit to be with you.

I know that you WANT to make this work BUT it ain't gonna get handled because of WHAT she is. Women like this are skilled actresses and liar's.

SHe is playing you, GEt a grip of your nuts and dump her a$$ while you still have SOME dignity left.

[Birdman]

Am I stupid for wanting to work this out? she understands that her clubbing days are over and that she cannever go anywhere (vacation) without me. I never wanted to be a hypcrite as I feel that people get divorced without trying to fix the problem. Another part that is hard is that I never wanted to be the kind of husband that controls his wife. I aked her to get rid of her friends and she stated that she couldn't because she has known them for too long. I am still leaning towards divorce but I just want to make sure that I am doing the right thing and I hope that I am not going against my vows. In a way I think that she was waiting to see if I was the man who she fell in love with. She often calls me perfect and stated that things seem to go well for me. She told me that she has never met anyone like me as I see the world in black and white. there is good and there is bad. People often do immoral things and try to justify them. she told me that she kissed the guy just to see how if felt to kiss someone else. Her flight home got cancelled and she had to stay at the airport for 30 hours. Melanie calls me at work yelling at me talking about how I wasn't a concerned husband and that I should be on the phone with the airline finding out where my wife was. She knew full well what my wife had done but yet she called me and questioned my love for my wife. These are the kind of people that she associates with.

[reboot]

Am I stupid for wanting to work this out?

Absolutely not. And pay no attention to the people here that tell you that you are. Just know that the odds aren't with you under the best of circumstances. But if you try, you'll at least know you tried. And I've read enough to know that sometimes it DOES work.

 

There isn't a right answer. If you want to throw her under the bus, that's perfectly acceptable too. The right thing to do here is what works for YOU.

 

Good luck.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Melanie calls me at work yelling at me talking about how I wasn't a concerned husband and that I should be on the phone with the airline finding out where my wife was. She knew full well what my wife had done but yet she called me and questioned my love for my wife. These are the kind of people that she associates with.

 

And let me guess this is the kind of future you want for yourself!!???

 

That damn friend melanie is no friend of your marriage she's as toxic as they come! and she's a corrupting influence!!!

 

3 years , no kids and she's already screwing other dudes!!! WTF!!!

 

That is grounds for termination!

 

I think your wife has a problem with boundries and knowing when to slow down or stop, she has no sense of loyalty or right and wrong. She does what she feels!!! How can you be with someone like that!! She does whatever she feels. So I guess cheating on her husband is just something she feels she needs to do.

 

I think your wife has so many issues that it's too many to fix. She needs to fix herself and she sounds childish and immature. If I was you I would divorce asap and move far away from all these people!!! You dont owe her crap!!!

 

Her friend can go to hell!!! Trust me , expose all of her trifiling little friends for what they are, they dont deserve the secrets of anonymity!

[reboot]

Oh yes, I agree with CB. Those "friends" have to go. That's a deal breaker otherwise.

[LakesideDream]

What's the question really? You married a woman knowing she had an affair when you were engaged. Your mistake eh?

 

You continue to be married to a woman who would rather be with her disreputable friends, to the point of her friends being the dominant personalities in her life. You know she "dates" other men behind your back.

 

You might think about where you will be in ten years, a couple of kids (who you will never be sure of parentage w/o a DNA test), and a miserable cuckhold. Is this what you want? A life of misery?

 

You can't "fix" people. They do what they do. You and your wife aren't "matched". She needs to be married to Larry Flint.

[Birdman]

Like I said in the post I didn't find out about the first affair until after we were married. Apparently the guilt was eating at her and one day she told me. She had just lost her job and must have felt that god was punishing her or something because i would have never known if she hadn't told me. I did tell her that if I would have known I would not have married her. I think that is why she didn't say anything prior to us getting married. I feel that everyone makes mistakes but at what I am coming to realize that it is a lying, cheating, and adultery are not mistakes they are personality traits.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Like I said in the post I didn't find out about the first affair until after we were married. Apparently the guilt was eating at her and one day she told me. She had just lost her job and must have felt that god was punishing her or something because i would have never known if she hadn't told me. I did tell her that if I would have known I would not have married her. I think that is why she didn't say anything prior to us getting married. I feel that everyone makes mistakes but at what I am coming to realize that it is a lying, cheating, and adultery are not mistakes they are personality traits.

 

Bingo!!!!! there it is!!!!!

 

You got it!!!

 

Sometimes once a cheater always a cheater!!! and definitely in this case to the nakid eye it sure as hell feels like it!

[Curmudgeon]

GEt a grip of your nuts and dump her a$$ while you still have SOME dignity left.

 

...the two of you bring a child into the world.

[4whatItsWorth]

she told me that she kissed the guy just to see how if felt to kiss someone else.

 

That is the most ridiculous excuse I have ever heard. So she never kissed any men before you? Well - tough luck even if she didn't cos the moment she married you she agreed not to!!

 

I'm sorry to say this, but your wife needs to grow up! Once she is married she can't behave like a single girl and go on dates - except if she's on a date with you! Chances are she will do it over and over again...she cheated on you even before you were married...and it says A LOT about her character.

 

Screw the vows she's broken - you cannot fix a person, she can only fix herself.

[Woggle]

She sounds like the women that posyt on that women's infidelity board. They have groups of friends where they all cheat on their husbands and they encourage each other to do it. She will do this again and again so it is best to cut your losses and file for divorce. I know you want to make it work but you can't with this woman and you don't want to waste anymore of your life. You still have time to meet a woman worthy of your love before you end up too bitter to even look at a woman after years of drama with your current wife.

[Cobra_X30]

She stated that she told him that she wasn't happy in our marriage and that it wasn't my fault. I asked her what the hell she meant and she stated that being married to me was like being married to a preacher in that I take my morals and values to heart. She stated that she feels that she can't live up to my expectations.

 

Birdman,

 

I just want to highlight this key point here, because you are unequally yoked in your marriage.

 

I know your confused, and that your heart and your mind are going in different directions, but I just want you to consider this.

 

Your wife does not share your morals or beliefs. In fact she resents them, because everytime she looks at you it reminds her of what a bad person she is deep down!

 

Do you honestly believe she can change who she is inside? It doesnt sound like she wants to. If you force that change on her... she will hate you for it in the end. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a woman like this?

 

Fly away birdman! Fly far, far away!

[seibert253]

I feel she's done alot more than just "experimental" kissing. She just hasn't told you and is afraid to. IF you want to work this out then there's a few manditories from her:

1. She has to be honest and upfront about EVERYTHING. Give her to opportunity to "come clean" about EVERYTHING. Then let her know that this is a deal-breaker and if you find out later that she's not been honest about everything, you're gone.

2. The old friends have to go, it's either her marriage or her partying friends

3. There is no exception to number 2

4. If you don't go to clubs, then why is she? If she wants to go to a club, then it is with her husband. (no exception to this rule either)

 

It's necessary to have friends outside of the marriage as she should. But, they should be committed to respecting your marriage, not tearing it apart.

[bestadvisor]

You should give her and your marriage a chance ONLY IF she is completely committed and willing to save your marriage by sever all contact with the OM and stop partying. If she is unwilling to let go of her partying friends and her partying, she is choosing them over your and your marriage.

 

You're not asking her to choose you over her parents or siblings, but you are asking her to choose your marriage over her destructive paryting friends and that is NOT unreasonable. If she says "No," you can see how committed she is to the "marriage."

[bish]

1. Should I make her chose between her friends and our marriage. I problems always seem to arise when her friends are involved. Would I be wrong to ask her to drop her friends.

 

 

No you wouldn't, because as long as she is with her tramp friends, you marriage will always suffer. She needs to decide, does she want to be a tramp, or a wife.

 

But really though, she is already a tramp...sorry to say it, but she is.

My situation almost mimics yours and in the end there was only one logical solution if you want to keep your sanity and be happy the rest of your life....DIVORCE HER.

 

2. We have great sex, we don't have financial problems.

 

So what if you have great sex. She likes giving that great sex to other men as well. You willing to live with that thought in your cabesa?

 

3. She wants to go to marriage counseling.

 

so?

 

4. Now she feels guilty and is kissing my ass. i don't like it and i want to tell her that it will be okay but at the same time I don't want her to think that i condone immoral behavior.

 

Well if you decide to stay with her, then her kissing your ass is the least she needs to be doing. I don't believe she can rectify what she has done...but if you decide to stay with her, she needs to bust her ass trying.

 

5. I have rebuilt my realtionship with god prior to learning of the affair and she comes to chruch with me but I don't feel that she is doing it for the right reasons.

 

if she is a cheater, then she ISN'T doing it for the right reasons.

 

 

6. I am not a controlling husband. I treat my wife as my equal. I have never cheated on her and have been put situations where I could have but I didn't. Like I said before my morals are very important to me.

 

I wasn't a controlling husband either. I was understanding and was happy to let my wife have her time with friends. I thought I was being that dream husband all the women talk about....boy did that backfire. My generosity got me bit in the ass.

 

don't worry about anyone thinking your controlling. If they say you are, tell them to go to hades....SHE did this to your M...not you.

 

I got married knowing that marriage is hard and I think that we can get past this but as long as she is associating with people who think that it is okay to cheat and has a best friend that has no respect for our marriage then I can have no peace.

 

Thats right...as long as she is with these tramps...you will NEVER have any peace.

 

As of right now I am seriously leaning towards filing for divorce. I don't want to be a fool but at the sametime I want to be able to say that I did everything that I could to save my marriage. But isn't it up to her to prove that she wants to save her marriage? I haven't done anything wrong. What is it that I should ask of her or based on everything that I have typed is a sign that I should just proceed with divorce. I didn't want to make a decision out of anger.

 

Deciding to divorce isn't out of anger. You are married to a cheater. Believe me ...I know. I tried to stay with my wife..but in the end, there is no good life with a cheater. I'd suggest divorce.

[Birdman]

She put her hand on the bible, looked me in my eye and swore that she has never had any sex of any kind with anyone since we have been married. She stated that she knew it was wrong and that she realized when she was with the guy that I was the one that she wanted. She told me that she had to fight for me to even trust her enough to let her go in the first place.She stated that she wanted to tell me as soon as she got home but that she couldn't. She is hurting I can see it and I can feel it. However that doesn't change what happened and the comany that she keeps. I told her that I was at the crossroads and I want to try but at the sametime too much has been done to go on. She stated that she wants to have a life with me that I was her friend. She promised that she would never cheat on me again and that she would not put her friends before me. She suggested that she was willing to cut off her friends but that it would make her miserable but that she would do it. She stated that she was willing to do whatever it took to keep our marriage. She has to know that it maybe over.

[reboot]

Words are meaningless. Wait and see if her actions match her words. If they do, then you may have something to build on.

[Cobra_X30]

She stated that she wants to have a life with me that I was her friend. She promised that she would never cheat on me again and that she would not put her friends before me.

 

Do you want to settle for a woman who just wants you as a friend?

 

Reboot is totally right! Look at her actions, not her words. She urges other women to cheat on thier husbands... doesnt that tell you something about who she is inside!

[jmargel]

The core of all of this is not her cheating. It's with her immaturity and her constant disrespect for you and others. Look at her actions, doesn't it seem like she is still a teenager? What does she do when you two get into an arguement?

 

She needs counseling, if you do want her to stay in this marriage make it very tough for her to get back in. I would suggest first, individual counseling for her, and that is the only way you would even think of taking her back. Even with that, there is no guarantee you will have her back as your wife, let her know this.

 

If you roll over and piddle on this, you will continue to live a miserable life. It's time for you to start making decisions.

[bish]

She put her hand on the bible, looked me in my eye and swore that she has never had any sex of any kind with anyone since we have been married.

 

So what...murderers swear on the bible too that they didn't kill anyone.

 

She stated that she knew it was wrong and that she realized when she was with the guy that I was the one that she wanted.

 

She realized this when she was with the guy? she thought to herself, "now I realize I love my husband.....but this feels too good...so I'm going to finish first."

 

She told me that she had to fight for me to even trust her enough to let her go in the first place.

 

LOL....then she gets that trust and what does she do?? Betrays it. She just proved your point.....you had reason to not trust her. Then when you loosened up, she showed you why she shouldn't have gone in the first place.

 

 

She stated that she wanted to tell me as soon as she got home but that she couldn't. She is hurting I can see it and I can feel it. However that doesn't change what happened and the comany that she keeps. I told her that I was at the crossroads and I want to try but at the sametime too much has been done to go on. She stated that she wants to have a life with me that I was her friend. She promised that she would never cheat on me again and that she would not put her friends before me.

 

That means....bye bye to those friends. If she is not willing to do that...then divorce her.

 

She suggested that she was willing to cut off her friends but that it would make her miserable but that she would do it.

 

I would have told her.."it will make you miserable huh?...then nothing left to say....get out"

 

Ya, she'll say she will cut off contact with the tramps...but then months later, she'll be getting angry that she can't go out with her tramp friends any longer.

Sorry...she proved she can't be trusted, especially when out with them. So she has a decision to make as far as I'm concerned....her friends, or her marriage....not both.

I would just make it easy for her and divorce her so she can go be like her friends....but that is your call.

 

She stated that she was willing to do whatever it took to keep our marriage. She has to know that it maybe over.

 

Willing to do whatever? dumping the tramps is first on the list...not only that, but she shouldn't whine and cry about how she can't go out with them either after that.....whining and crying that she can't go out with her tramp friends means that she wants to return to being a tramp herself.