Woggle Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 Why would you want to be with a woman that even wants to associate with people like that. Birds of a feather flock together and the fact that she is encouraging this in other women as a huge red flag. Right now she just wants the lifestyle you provide but be assured she does not love you.
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 Birdman mark my words that toxic friend mel is gonna be talking to your wife behind your back! Your wife is too damn weak minded to be trusted!!!! Didnt she swear on a stack of bibles she never cheated during the marriage but near the end you wrote She'll never cheat again?!!?!? Which one is it??? Birdman I know you want to stay married but you cant force a person to be in love with you, you can tforce them to have morals, you cant force them to distinguish what's right from wrong. It just is. Either they know it or they dont. Let her go bird, you'll be better off. Bish, woggle, Curg, Gunny , we all seen this before. She may not cheat now, but damn when she hits 40 then what??? When her homones go into overdrive, do you think she's gonna remain faithful to just you??? I dont think she can keep it in her pants. She's addicted to finding her feelings and feeling loved and feeling sexual. You are nothing in her mental world of her feeling good!!! It's all about her, you dont exist in her mind when she made those decisions, and trust me, you wont be thought of when she does it again.
Author Birdman Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 She considers kissing the guy as cheating and referred to it as much. I would have to agree on the weak minded part though. I kept telling her that melanie was jealous of our marriage and that sometimes the people we are closest too seek to destroy us as I have now found out. When we first got married my wife refused to go out with her and Mel threw her a punk card and said that I knew that you were going to change when you got married. While my wife has made up her own decisions those friends of hers are never too far from the scene of the crime.
Woggle Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Guys if a woman has a manhating friend that is always trying to interfere in the relationship that is a major red flag. I have friends that are not the most savory characters but I tell them that I don't agree with what they do. I am loyal because they gave me a place to stay when I was on the streets but I am my own man. Your wife apparently is not her own woman and lets her friends influence her like it is some high school clique.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 She considers kissing the guy as cheating and referred to it as much. I would have to agree on the weak minded part though. I kept telling her that melanie was jealous of our marriage and that sometimes the people we are closest too seek to destroy us as I have now found out. When we first got married my wife refused to go out with her and Mel threw her a punk card and said that I knew that you were going to change when you got married. While my wife has made up her own decisions those friends of hers are never too far from the scene of the crime. In the end its your call Birdman. If you choose to stay with her can you get past this stuff? And you must be very clear on WHY you choose to stay! Are you afraid to be alone? Do you like the power over her the guilt provides? Do you feel the need to be a martyr? ... ect.
4whatItsWorth Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 She suggested that she was willing to cut off her friends but that it would make her miserable but that she would do it. Well...telling you it will make her miserable is uncalled for. She is trying to make you feel bad for making her choose you over her friends. In the end, all she will have left for you is resentment. This won't end well... please don't stay married because of religious reasons - those are never the right reasons...
Darth Vader Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Am I stupid for wanting to work this out? she understands that her clubbing days are over and that she cannever go anywhere (vacation) without me. I never wanted to be a hypcrite as I feel that people get divorced without trying to fix the problem. Another part that is hard is that I never wanted to be the kind of husband that controls his wife. I aked her to get rid of her friends and she stated that she couldn't because she has known them for too long. I am still leaning towards divorce but I just want to make sure that I am doing the right thing and I hope that I am not going against my vows. In a way I think that she was waiting to see if I was the man who she fell in love with. She often calls me perfect and stated that things seem to go well for me. She told me that she has never met anyone like me as I see the world in black and white. there is good and there is bad. People often do immoral things and try to justify them. she told me that she kissed the guy just to see how if felt to kiss someone else. Her flight home got cancelled and she had to stay at the airport for 30 hours. Melanie calls me at work yelling at me talking about how I wasn't a concerned husband and that I should be on the phone with the airline finding out where my wife was. She knew full well what my wife had done but yet she called me and questioned my love for my wife. These are the kind of people that she associates with. Unfortunately her vows aren't important to her! Otherwise she wouldn't be out there flapping in the breeze! As far as you finding out about her affair "after" getting married, that just goes to show you how selfish she really is, I mean, you couldn't make your own decision about what you wanted to do with your own life?! It doesn't get any more selfish than that, in fact she made your decision without your say so, another words: You didn't have a say, about your own life! Isn't that disrepectful to you enough to drop this chic?!
Darth Vader Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 She put her hand on the bible, looked me in my eye and swore that she has never had any sex of any kind with anyone since we have been married. She stated that she knew it was wrong and that she realized when she was with the guy that I was the one that she wanted. She told me that she had to fight for me to even trust her enough to let her go in the first place.She stated that she wanted to tell me as soon as she got home but that she couldn't. She is hurting I can see it and I can feel it. However that doesn't change what happened and the comany that she keeps. I told her that I was at the crossroads and I want to try but at the sametime too much has been done to go on. She stated that she wants to have a life with me that I was her friend. She promised that she would never cheat on me again and that she would not put her friends before me. She suggested that she was willing to cut off her friends but that it would make her miserable but that she would do it. She stated that she was willing to do whatever it took to keep our marriage. She has to know that it maybe over. Cheaters will do all of this, and still Lie! Words mean nothing! Another way of saying it is, talk is cheap, action is what counts!!!!!
Darth Vader Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Guys if a woman has a manhating friend that is always trying to interfere in the relationship that is a major red flag. I have friends that are not the most savory characters but I tell them that I don't agree with what they do. I am loyal because they gave me a place to stay when I was on the streets but I am my own man. Your wife apparently is not her own woman and lets her friends influence her like it is some high school clique. Hmmm, Birdman, sounds like your wife is a "Follower"! She'll basically do what she's told!
Author Birdman Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 I am not afraid to be alone. I truly believe that if i left my wife today I maybe be single for about a month. I just don't want to look back and say that I didn't give her a chance. Hell if I leave I can go and live with my mother rent free. I have a good paying job and I could really live the "player lifestyle" if I so chose. Plus our lease isn't up until spring. I am preparing myself mentally to divorce her and have made plans accordingly. The apartment is our only financial connection. Both our names is on the lease and I don't want to mess up my good credit. I have my own furniture, car, bank account, etc. Just my luck she is probably pregnant and that is going to complicate everything. If she is not I will start using condoms or not having sex at all. A part of me wants her to think that everything is okay and one she comes home from work and all of my stuff is gone with a note. I don't want to become a bad husband because she is a bad wife. If I do go ahead and file for divorce everything and everyone will be exposed I will make sure that everyone including her family (who thinks that she is so sweet and innocent) will know wht happened. I don't want my reputation and good name smeared.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I just don't want to look back and say that I didn't give her a chance A chance to what? It seems to me that she had several chances. I'm sorry but I see betrayers as the worst kind of people. Every day you look Judas in the eye and think... for what? Was it worth it? Do you think that is a good reason to stay... just to see if she wont blow a second chance? If you stay, stay because you love her and cant live without her!
abeliever Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Hello and Welcome! I am truly sorry to read your heartbroken story. We here have been thru a lot of this same betrayal. So the comments comes from passion of past regrets of our experiences. If you read other threads from here you will see most times the cheating spouse doe NOT come clean. It is a noble thing to want the truth- as many of us before you wanted that closure. My friend, do not look for it as it may never come. She swore on the bible!??? My soon to be ex swore on his precious 7 yr old childs life that he would never cheat on me again then 1 hour later called his OW. So most often times they do not tell the truth or own up to what they have done. They will say and do anything drastic to keep whatever it is they are trying to hold on to and for whatever their reasons are. Take time and read some of the betrayal on here you will see a perfect pattern that MOST cheaters (not all) do not learn from their mistakes nor do some regret them. (those stories are on here too) With that, it comes to you. Leave her out of it. Do you want to look over your shoulder? Daily? Hourly? Monthly? Yearly? Because my friend I have a and did until I could not longer. I like you wanted to give that chance to save the marriage and did many times because of my vows that I took. I too did not want to be a bad wife, its not about that its about love, respect and honesty. Most people forget that and the work you have to put in to have a GOOD marriage. This is a question you must answer. We here can only offer advice and share our experiences. You must live with whatever decision you make. I wish you much luck. We are here if you need us! abeliever
Faith4u Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 She is acting like she enjoys drama in her life. She also puts herself in weakening situations like dating when she is already married? That does not make sense because she knows they she is doing it and it she knows what she is doing. She is finding pleasure in that and yes, she thinks it is a game. It seems to me that she feels that you are better than her, that you are doing what a married couple should do, stick eith one partner and she is making you feel that you are preaching but you are not. You are being nice, you are saying OK that she goes on vacation with a girl that has no morals at all, you are giving her the trust and she is playing you. You can work out the marriage if that is what you want. I do not think that she is being fair with you, and I do not think that she will respect your wishes unless she decides to understand that she needs to associates with friends that are decent and good. I am sure she sees that her friend sleeps around etc. she is not blind. She likes her! You are in love with that woman because you are tolerating a lot. You should not feel that you are preaching. You are not. I am a woman and I give you right. Marriage is not for everybody. Are you willing to live with a woman that needs a spicy adventure and you have been only married 3 years? and you have no major problems as you said... Imagine after 10 years of marriage. Think twice before you stay with her. You can still turn around. Am I stupid for wanting to work this out? she understands that her clubbing days are over and that she cannever go anywhere (vacation) without me. I never wanted to be a hypcrite as I feel that people get divorced without trying to fix the problem. Another part that is hard is that I never wanted to be the kind of husband that controls his wife. I aked her to get rid of her friends and she stated that she couldn't because she has known them for too long. I am still leaning towards divorce but I just want to make sure that I am doing the right thing and I hope that I am not going against my vows. In a way I think that she was waiting to see if I was the man who she fell in love with. She often calls me perfect and stated that things seem to go well for me. She told me that she has never met anyone like me as I see the world in black and white. there is good and there is bad. People often do immoral things and try to justify them. she told me that she kissed the guy just to see how if felt to kiss someone else. Her flight home got cancelled and she had to stay at the airport for 30 hours. Melanie calls me at work yelling at me talking about how I wasn't a concerned husband and that I should be on the phone with the airline finding out where my wife was. She knew full well what my wife had done but yet she called me and questioned my love for my wife. These are the kind of people that she associates with.
Faith4u Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 In my opinion you should not care at this point what the family thinks. Her parents will always be on her side. Same as yours. This is what parents do in general. I also think that you want to forgive her and try again, you have to be prepared that she will do it again one day and when you start restriciting her from doing all that you used to let her do, she will hide from you. You are not supposed to father her! You are her husband, her chosen partner for life. Based on what you are saying about her and the events... I do not see how staying with her will change her habits. If she can not give up some trouble friends for you, she is choosing them over you. I have some questions for you: What is her say about all that she has done so far? What makes you feel that she deserves another chance? How many chances are you willing to take before you call it quit? Are in LOVE with ( still in love ) ? -------------------- I am not afraid to be alone. I truly believe that if i left my wife today I maybe be single for about a month. I just don't want to look back and say that I didn't give her a chance. Hell if I leave I can go and live with my mother rent free. I have a good paying job and I could really live the "player lifestyle" if I so chose. Plus our lease isn't up until spring. I am preparing myself mentally to divorce her and have made plans accordingly. The apartment is our only financial connection. Both our names is on the lease and I don't want to mess up my good credit. I have my own furniture, car, bank account, etc. Just my luck she is probably pregnant and that is going to complicate everything. If she is not I will start using condoms or not having sex at all. A part of me wants her to think that everything is okay and one she comes home from work and all of my stuff is gone with a note. I don't want to become a bad husband because she is a bad wife. If I do go ahead and file for divorce everything and everyone will be exposed I will make sure that everyone including her family (who thinks that she is so sweet and innocent) will know wht happened. I don't want my reputation and good name smeared.
MrsHellnoFire Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 An exclusive serious relationship is exactly that! Nothing less. The fact that she uses the following statement as an excuse: "well we weren't married so it didn't count" in inexcusably filthy and is a defensive tactic that is pretty poor imo. She proved that she cannot be trusted. If she cheated on you before she even married you, then I don't think she was that into you in the first place. It sounds like she's using you(for whatever reasons) and does not love you. She gets her jollies on the side. Is this really acceptable? She didn't have sex? Are you going to take a lying cheater's word for it? I wouldn't. This might sound a little off the deep end, but get her to pass a lie detector test before you continue further UNLESS it truly does not matter to you and you are willing to work on the marriage regardless. There really needs to be two people working on this marriage though. She was all for LYING and disrespecting you until you found out about it. Sounds like her latest try is due to the fact of her fear (for whatever reasons) of you leaving her but I don't think that is the right reason to try (or pretend) working on a marriage.
MrsHellnoFire Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Absolutely not. And pay no attention to the people here that tell you that you are. Just know that the odds aren't with you under the best of circumstances. I think odds are with him a little here. Afterall, his wife doesn't want him to dump her in the trash. He doesn't sound like he's ready to face the truth here either. But all of this doesn't change her character or stop her from cheating. He will remain in this marriage for as long as he is able to accept her dispicable behavior. So, in other words, as long as two people remain in denial and/or needy.. the marriage could last forever. Sorry, I just don't see her changing who she is anytime soon. A person who even encourages her friend to have an affair? Wow.
MrsHellnoFire Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 she told me that she kissed the guy just to see how if felt to kiss someone else. Interesting. She tries the concept of "dating" after marriage..
MrsHellnoFire Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 She put her hand on the bible, looked me in my eye and swore that she has never had any sex of any kind with anyone since we have been married. That might mean something to you, but does it really mean anything to her? You don't seem to know really anything about the woman you married. It's come down to the fact that "her word" and her honor, loyalty, and dignity mean literally nothing when she is backed into a corner and fearful of being kicked to the curb. She's in self-preservation mode and she can say anything she wants and it won't mean anything.
MrsHellnoFire Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Just my luck she is probably pregnant and that is going to complicate everything. If she is not I will start using condoms or not having sex at all.. So you were trying to have a baby? Sounds like she wants to tie you down for life. Yeah I think I would use some condoms from now on too. And don't let her dissuade you in that area either.
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