does he want out?

[31swf]

so this guy I've been seeing for just over a month told me on Saturday that he "wanted to slow things down" which I totally took in a negative way. He didn't understand why I was upset and kept saying "it's not a bad thing, it's not a bad thing" and that he wasn't seeing anyone else and didn't want to, and he loved spending time with me but he "wasn't ready to jump into a relationship with both feet yet" and he thinks I am. (which is true). He hasn't had a relationship in years, and he said that spending 3 nights in a row with someone is a huge adjustment from having no one for so long.

I said "I thought things were going really well, and he said they are, he just wants to go slow.

So is he just freaking out and just needs some time, or is this a way for him to slowly fade away??

[Tony T]

Every person has their own pace for taking emotional involvements. To some, it just doesn't feel comfortable to move quickly. I personally take a lot of time before I take the dive to commit to someone emotionally and I appreciate women who do the same. I don't think that's a decision most people are qualified to make after only one month...although many do.

 

People tend to place a lot more value on something when they have given it very careful consideration. A relationship based on a sound friendship and a period of getting to know each other is far more precious than one rushed into.

 

If you really like this guy and you place a value on a possible relationship with him, you will slow things down just like he says. As a general strategy, you should always do that. It's much easier to win somebody over by being coy and aloof than it is to show eagerness. You haven't learned that by now???

 

Respect this man's pace and don't read anything into it. It could be his method of operation, he could be scarred, it could be he hasn't made a decision yet, etc. There is no point in trying to analyze at this point. You've only been dating a month. But whatever his reason is, respect it. If in your mind you feel he should have made up his mind already, then stop dating him. And then I hope you will go somewhere and consider the reasons why you think other people ought to do things exactly the way YOU want them to.

[clia]

I don't blame him one bit for wanting to slow down. Three nights a week together after only a month of dating is moving very fast.

 

Have you read any John Gray? In Mars and Venus on a Date, he talks about different stages in dating. It sounds like your guy is possibly in the Uncertainty stage, while you are well beyond that. Your initial inclination right now is going to be to pursue him to get him to change his mind. Don't do that. Let him lead. Respect his feelings and don't hassle him about this. Date other men if it helps get your mind off it. If you pressure him or are too eager, you will scare him off.

 

You'll find out soon enough if this is his way of ending things with you. Just sit back and let him call you and ask you out. If he doesn't do these things, then you have your answer.

[31swf]

I got home around 6, and he had called at 545 and left a message. He said, " I was just wondering how your weekend was. I hope you're doing well. I just called to see how you were. Today I picked you up a little present, if you want to come over at some point, I'd really like to give it to you. Hope you're doing well. Give me a call."

 

I made dinner and was resting for a few minutes before I had to go to a meeting at 7. Then he calls back 1/2 hour later, but I didn't pick it up, because I figured I'll call him when I got back home. He leaves a message, "I hope you're doing ok, Please give me a call". So then I felt bad, because he sounded so worried.

 

After my meeting I called him back around 915. We chit chatted for a few minutes. I told him how crappy Saturday was and he apologized, but I assurred him it wasn't because of what he said, it was the crowds, cold, etc. I said, "I want to apologize for overreacting on Saturday." and he said, "no, no, you don't have to apologize for how you feel. Don't feel bad." and I said, "well I'm not usually like that, I was PMSing or something." Then he asked if I wanted to get together on Thursday, and then we went over our schedules for like 10 minutes, trying to find a time to get together. So I'm supposed to call him after work tonight and tell him if I'm coming over tonight around 9 or Thursday around 730. Probably Thursday, because I have to be at work early Wed morning.

[loca]

I would say wait until Thursday. Give him the space he needs, good job on not calling him immediately back. In my experiences, guys like it when we are not at their beck and call. Date around and let him make up his mind what he wants.

[31swf]

update on my situation:

 

He wanted me to come over on Tuesday night, but I said no. and made him wait until last night. it was hard because he really wanted me to (he asked 3x), but I did the right thing and said no.

 

So last night I went over around 8 pm after I went shopping with a friend, and we had a great time just snuggling on the couch and chatting. I spent the night but didn't say anything about what happened last time I saw him. and he didn't either.

 

The only thing he said was "my sex drive is low these days because of this medication I'm taking, which is partly why I just want us to chill". He didn't seem to have a problem last week or last night though. I don't know if this is an excuse or if he's waiting for his sex drive to get back to normal. I know he stopped taking the medication a few weeks ago.

 

And the little present he picked up for me was the book "The Four Agreements" which he also got for himself. He wants us both to read it so we can discuss it. It's a sort of a philosphical code of how to live your life in order to get the most freedom, happiness and love out of it. I wouldn't think he'd want to discuss something like that with some one he was just having a fling with. I'm taking it as a positive sign.

 

But he didn't mention getting together over the weekend, so I didn't either. I guess I'll just see what happens.

any advice?

[clia]

I think you should just wait and see what happens.

 

I also think that one month into a relationship is way too early for "sit around at home and cuddle hang out" type dates. Why aren't the two of you going out to coffee, dinner, a movie, or out on the town? (This is obviously JMO, but "hang out" dates require no effort on anyone's part. Too easy, too comfortable, and no indication that he is even trying to impress you. I don't do "hang out" dates for at least four or five months. I mean, I can sit around and watch TV or rent a video on my own. And then I can wear my raggedy pajamas!)

 

He didn't seem to have a problem last week or last night though.

 

Did you sleep with him last night? If so, this is dangerous for you--on one hand, things are going too fast and he doesn't want to jump head first into a relationship. On the other hand, he is still sleeping with you? That's not slowing down. It may be slowing down emotionally, but it's not physically, which can end up hurting you in the end. Please be sure and protect yourself.

 

I think at this point, you make plans for the weekend. Book it full--Friday night, Saturday day, Saturday night, and Sunday day. He has called you this week, and wanted to see you this week, which is good. However, he hasn't done anything beyond that to ensure that he has some of your time blocked off for the weekend. He hasn't taken you out or gone out of his way in any way. You were the one who had to go to his place, right? Men do like a challenge, and you are making this too easy for him. So, book your weekend full, and if he asks you to do something (which will clearly be last minute at this point), you can sweetly say that you already made plans.

[loca]

I agree w/ Clia. Make other plans and don't be so accessible to him. What kind of medication is he taking (just curious). I know anti-depressants lower sex drive. IMO, spend some time w/ him, but don't revolve your plans around him. Spend time w/ friends and family and keep busy. You need to make him work a little bit harder! Good luck.

[31swf]

yes, he's on antidepressants. (we're taking the same one actually, ha ha.) But we've had sex 4 times in the last week, so I don't see how his sex drive is too low.

 

I'm trying not to be too accessible. I didn't see him on tuesday, I let him know I was going out to dinner with a male friend. Then yesterday, I let him know I had plans with a friend, and I'd catch up with him afterwards. I'm trying hard to stay busy and let him know I do have a life away from him.

 

I do have plans this weekend, and I'm not planning on calling him at all. I still don't want to spook him or do anything to scare him off. But when I do talk to him next, I will suggest that we actually GO OUT somewhere and not watch a movie on his couch.

 

thanks for the input.