my partner fights mean

[tired-of-it]

Ok, here goes with my problem. My partner of a long time fights really mean. Wouldn't lay a hand on a lady but man can he give it to me verbally -- name calling, blaming, insults, "hitting where it hurts." once we into a diagreement he gets so mad and angry, full throttle, no stopping him. i used to think it was normal to fght that way, cause my family did, but now i am meeting other couples who handle their problems so much nicer. i have given up that way of fighting years ago. We've worked on our fighting, so now we fight less, but whenever we do get into a disagreement he gets going so mean again.

 

when we aren't fighting he's a good guy. gets along at his work too. no one would believe he fights that way at home. but his brother told me he was like that at home as a kid and teenager. he fights that way with me in front of kids too. he can sometimes say he's sorry, but not often. he absolutely adores me. tried counselling, didn't help.

 

how many of you would put up with this kind of fighting from your partner? my mother still fights like that, but i have emotionally broken off from her -- just keep in touch with her the least i can to be civil. but what can i do with my partner and dad to my kids? not so easy to stay distant.

[jessicakicksbut]

You asked how many people would put up with this kind of fighting from your partner. Well, I did unfortunately, for almost 7 years. After 3-4 years into the relationship, he finally hit me. About 5 years into the relationship, he was still hitting me, and had me brainwashed into thinking that I could not live without him, and that if I left, he would kill himself. I am lucky that I got away from him, and so are many other women who had to put up with an abusive partner. It starts with insults and criticism, and escalates into full-fledged abuse with some men. What your partner is displaying is "red-flags" for an abuser, or a potential abuser. Do you really want to be involved with a man who continually abuses you, and may abuse your child/children that you had together? And even if he never physically abuses you, the mental and emotional abuse he is giving you can be far more scarring. I think you should really talk to someone at a local victims resource center, because what your partner is displaying is definately classified as abuse!

[tired-of-it]

whew, thanks for your honest answer. glad you got out. i'll look at it differently now.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Tired,

 

I'm curious about what communication strategies your councilor recommended, and for how long the two of you were able to follow his/her advice before slipping back into old behavior patterns?

 

You see, its one thing to have an objective third party analyze your situation and offer solutions, but often very difficult to put the plan into action even when we are made aware of the situation and how to "fix" it. Relationship recovery requires a team effort. If one of you "drops the ball" neither partner will win.

 

Have the two of you thought about returning to counseling? Perhaps you still need the support?...Or in this case, the "referee!"

 

Disfunction: The gift that keeps giving...

[Guest]

Dear Tired--

 

I agree with Jessica. The style the two of you have for relating and problem solving in your relationship is very unhealthy and destructive for BOTH you and your husband....and your children.

 

Kudos to you for recognizing it and deciding to stop participating that way!!

 

My childhood family also hits WAY below the belt, and I've lost precious years relating to my first husband of 10 years that way. I knew instinctively that certain things were 'below the belt' and I didn't know a different way to communicate or problem-solve.

 

His way was just to shove everything under the rug--which was a relief for a while, except that approach shuts down ALL feelings.

Including warmth and love and affection.

 

Needless to say, that situation ended in divorce, which was the hardest thing I've ever endured. I call it the natural fruits and consequences for our actions.

 

I also observe the members of my childhood family, and their outcomes and results. Hmmm...not a lot of inspiration and health and warmth there. Ick!

 

So--after lots of counseling, coaching, reading, etc. to unearth years of guilt, sadness and remorse and pain, I've finally learned some safe and healthy relating and problem resolution styles--SO IT IS POSSIBLE!

 

I now have a REALLY warm loving affectionate relationship with a new man. His family is SO kind, warm and loving. You can just feel it. And they are also honest. No conflict swept under the rug. It feels lighthearted and fun and supportive. SO IT IS POSSIBLE.

 

It took many years, and lots of digging through the past and being in pain, BUT it was sooooo worth it. For me, and for any children I might have.

 

GOOD LUCK TO YOU! And know that it's possible to make the change you're looking to make. And rewarding.

 

[km82794]

Wow you poor thing, we are in a very similar situation. The only difference is I am helping my fiance raise HIS three teenagers.

 

I have dealt with the vicious name calling in front of the kids, the blaming, the silent treatment, the control issues and have graduated to being pushed and shoved. Saddest thing is, this is my second time I've dealt with this sort of person. (I am divorced from a mental abuser as well).

 

I can' tell you what to do, but I will tell you how I am dealing with my own current situation.

 

After the last big blow up, in which he was 100% drunk and at fault, he threw a glass of ice water in my face. Sounds harmless, but you have to imagine this in the midst of a huge fight. After that night I left, putting all my belongings in storage.

 

It has been a month and I am currently trying to work things out with Sir Cruelness. We are trying to work on his anger as well as my own.

 

After telling him what I will no longer tolerate, I have put my foot down. You know as well as I do, you/we do not deserve this sort of punishment. I have decided that I am going to go to college to supplement my current income so that if he cannot put his temper in check, I can fully support myself on my own.

 

So far I have been back a month and it has gone rather well. Maybe it put a scare into him, maybe not, only time will tell. The thing is, maybe he hasn't changed, but I have.

 

There are many books on mental abuse in the library that I have found rather helpful. They explain alot of characteristics of a mental abuser, their reasoning, as well as how to cope. It has helped me to understand, forgive and move on. One sentence I repeat to myself has helped me, "I am noones doormat, unless I let someone walk on me" Best of luck to you !!!

[Amyandjs]

I agree with Jessica. You won't put up with hitting. Why would you put up with verbal/mental abuse. Put your foot down or leave.

 

My 0.02

 

Amy

[2SidestoStories]

As someone who is currently in the middle of a divorce as a result of what I'm coming to terms with as "abuse" (not a word I like to use, nor throw around, nor take lightly, mind you.) I just had to contribute a very major point: verbal and emotional abuse are among the hardest things to endure, explain, or accept as truly happening to you. However, not at all unlike physical abuse, the person on the receiving end will always have a very difficult time leaving the situation behind. The most frightening point to note about verbal/emotional abuse is that it is "the norm" for people, because more often than not, they grew up in an environment where it was happening constantly. They do not recognize what they are doing as wrong!

 

My deepest sympathies for you, tired-of-it; understand that if you make the choice to leave, it will be a da*n hard road, but so very worth your while that you will be amazed.

 

Kudos to the rest of you who have been able TO leave these same sorts of situations, and have found ways to not only cope, but to move on in your lives!

 

[sumdude]

Well, in my family I have an older sister who is verbally abusive a absolutely nasty when she fights. Alcohol is often the catalyst. Being the youngest I have often shied away from all confrontation, almost to a fault. My girlfriend comes from a broken family, full of nasty fights, backstabbing, unfaithfullness. She was also in a very abusive relationship for a long time in the past. Both verbally and physically.

 

I have a long fuse, more of a pressure cooker but I keep my temper in check. She has a short fuse, firecracker, she sometimes loses control of her temper. Either way when we argue, no matter how hot we get we somehow avoid the pitfalls of abuse. No nasty name calling, derogatory barbs etc. I think it's because we've seen the worst of it and try hard as hell not to go there. It takes a conscious effort and especially the will to do so. Your man has to be willing to see what he's doing and try hard not to do it. A time out in an argument can go a long way. If you see it going south fast try to find a way to say. "Wait, time out....10 minutes". Think about what you're actually fighting about and come back later and talk, debate, argue.....but not fight. Stay on topic so to speak.