Death of Parent and Relationships

[NEONINK]

I've been dating someone that was primary caregiver to his parent with cancer. I've been mostly supportive and understanding, and we enjoyed each other's company even though the relationship never became deeply established because of the enormous responsibility of the caregiver to the parent. After the parent died, 8 months into the relationship, the day of the funeral my partner became irritable with me. My feelings were hurt because I thought I was being taken for granted, and my partner brought out the baggage from when we started dating. Pointing out the few times I perhaps had Princess syndrome... =)

 

We haven't really spoken in 2 weeks. I knew that my partner had already lost his wife because he chose to care for his dying parent for 2 years. Of course, his ex-wife showed up at the funeral, and now her pic's with the deceased parent are on the fridge (mine aren't).

 

I also knew there were some emotional wounds and perhaps he couldn't be there like I wanted, but I was willing to sacrifice especially since I have an adolescent child that I'm raising. We are two good people that have had difficult life circumstances placed on them, and I thought we were doing well, but then the finality of the death of the parent and caregiver role changed our relationship. I'm not sure what to do? I feel he hurt me by attacking me, he feels he can't trust me and that I let him down by fighting back. I'm not so sure I'm willing to sacrifice any longer.

 

Thoughts?

[Tony T]

You won't resolve these difficulties with advice from an Internet message board. Your first stop should be to have an in depth conversation with your guy during which you mutually dissect these issues and see if there are some things you can resolve. If he's going to be closed minded, I would recommend you go find another guy.

 

If after talking to him you see some potential for healing, then the two of you should get into counselling with a highly competent therapist who can assist you in understanding each other's positions and help find more compromise and middle ground. You can also learn very good techniques to resolve various conflicts that may arise in the future.

 

My guess is that he is now operating from a head space of grief from the loss of a parent and the abandonment of his wife during this period. This kind of loss has probably made him very slow to trust anybody.

 

It's up to you to talk with him and get the help you need to put it all back together if you value the relationship enough to work on it.

 

Good luck.

[moimeme]

I think you both need to realize that things that happen around a death or a funeral, especially arguments, will surely be symptoms of a great deal more than whatever you argue about. Any sort of very emotional and stressful time is bound to add extra stress to the relationship and certainly should not be used to take the measure of the relationship as a whole.

[NEONINK]

Thanks for the advice. A relationship means 'to relate', obviously we aren't relating, so I guess you could say there is no relationship. It's now been a month, and I haven't seen a great deal of effort from "him" to relate.

 

You can definitely call these extenuating circumstances that are rare in a relationship, but how much does that excuse behavior?

 

One would think that you reach out to the other in times like these, not push them away. That indicates as much also.

[loca]

Maybe you can send him a card letting him know how much you love him and you are there for him. It is not excusable behavior for him to completly ignore you, but people handle their grief differently. Some of us reach out our arms to embrace others for affection and support and others push the most important people away to deal with their problems alone (possibly to not place added stress and worry in their loved ones' lives). Give him time, if you feel like you want to be with him then maybe the two of you can work things out. Fighting on the day of his parent's funeral was just one more added stress. It is all up to you as to how much you are willing to forgive or not forget.

[bailchauntz]

[font=arial][color=blue]No one can really describe or understand the anguish one feels when mourning the loss of a parent, unless you have.

 

During that difficult time it was up to you to keep your wits about you and hold the world together for your partner. You were there to be supportive.

 

What did you do that provoked irritability?

 

Taken advantage of?

Why were you there? If not to be supportive and selfless.

That's what people do for each other during that difficult time.

 

 

What are you doing about your baggage?[/color][/font]

[NEONINK]

Your post points out what happened. It points a finger at me.

 

I feel I was there for my partner, in mind, body and soul. And that was my gift of support.

 

No, I don’t know what it is like to have such a great loss.

 

But, I do know that my partner was there from the first few days of cancer to the last labored breaths of life.

 

I know there must be NO GREATER PAIN possible than watching the person you most love and care about slowly die before your eyes. The pain must feel awful and seem even bigger than God at that moment in time. I think the hurt felt would have no comparison! I think the pain would be so large, I would be afraid it would swallow me up. When pain becomes so immense that you can’t handle it, I believe it turns to anger. And that is also a healthy stage. It’s nothing to be afraid of or ashamed of.

 

Some people get angry at God, some get angry at the person who died, and some get angry at the person closest to them. My daughter said she would get angry at the whole world. I probably would too.

 

I know how courageous my partner was, but I wonder if she didn’t inadvertently focus on me and my minor flaws instead of this ENORMOUS pain? What do you think Chaunce?

[Lila]

People grieve in different ways. Try to understand what he is going through and give him time to heal. You also need to sit down and talk to him about what you can do to help. If he wants you to stay gone for awhile so he can be alone, do it.

 

Death is one of the most stressful events in anyone's life and I agree with Tony that a chat website won't give you the answers to deal with this.

[NEONINK]

Yes people grieve differently. I'm grieving now. While she lost the parent. I've basically lost her. Nothing has been the same since the funeral in the last two months. She, caregiver of 2 years who lost her lover of 7 years in the process, seems to be stuck on the ex I think.

 

I get nothing now. Before when she cared for her parent, she was drained, but at least gave enough to keep the relationship alive, while I mostly did all the work to keep the relationship alive. But, how that she could take better care of the relationship, she's chosen the opposite route. Minimal calls, more photos of the ex up, we aren't loving anymore. I tried two days ago to be supportive again, loving and warm. That evening was nice. The next day, just when I'm feeling good about the r/s again, she out of the blue mentions her ex's name regarding something. So the rug gets pulled out from under me again. I get quiet on the phone. We hang up, and I don't hear from her again. She had a nice time out with friends last night... Nothing ever bothers her when she does these things. I fall apart.

 

Everytime I start feeling better about this, she says something or shows me that she wants me, but cannot 'play house' right now. So, she's basically getting what she does and doesn't want out of this. And I'm getting nothing but heartache. I tried ending it because she was always depressed or tired about somehting. She denies it is the ex, who's moved on.

 

After I said that's it... The next day, just when I'm feeling better, starting to feel like I have some control over my life again. She calls and says we need to talk, this doesn't feel right. She's became almost emotionally cruel.

 

I'm very sad. We tried the separation for a couple of weeks, but that didn't help. She didn't get the great ephiny of how much she loved me and didn't want to lose me. She only gets the 'I don't want to lose you', when I end it.

 

Last night she must have gone out with friends. Last night, I cried and suffered why...

 

I've told others to not feel sorry for themselves, but that's all I can muster up right now....