Family is pissed at me over $25!

[redfathom]

LONG - Sorry!!!

 

My older sister asked me about a month ago if I would be interested in joining a "Scrapbooking Party". My sisters best friend just became a consultant, like tuperware (they have to host parties and make so many sells to get commissions), they figured if they could get six people then it would only cost $25 each a month per person (they have five). I told her back then that I might not be able to do it.

 

The reason, my H and I have a condo with one for those ARM loans (the ones in the news with all the forclosures) and our mortgage will reset in Feb. It will at that time go up about $500 if we are lucky. We are going to try to refinance but we have lost about $70K in our house so it will be dificult to refinance. Keep in mind my mom and sister who are made have never owned a home so they don't follow the market and don't know what is at risk.

 

Last week my I was supposed to watch my nephew play soccer and go hang with them at the scrapbooking party (to just hang out, I never said I was going to participate) but the game was rained out. I told my sister that I would not meet up with them then and run errands instead, she told me that was rude of me because her friend, the hostess/consultant, had set a place for me to scrapbook with them. So I went. Almost the whole time they drilled me on whether or not I would particpated and how $25 is not that big of a deal. I told them about my housing issues and there solution was to sell, umm...yeah and lose $100K. I told them that at this time that was not an option and that I would not know more until mid November when I went to see a mortgage broker. They still drilled me and told me I should give up on my other hobbies (I ice skate - $11 a week and I skate three times and get a lesson and take art classes - I want to be an artists) which I told them I was already planning on it if I needed to. They kept going on asking me if I was having fun and I told them it would and it would be nice to do a book of mine and my H vacation. So again, they kept pressuring me. So I finally snapped and told my mom I would not do a book what so ever. I felt bad after I left so I called my mom and apologized and told her I would like to do it.

 

So, I then asked my H and he said I should wait because of everything else I already do and our mortgage issues. I agreed. My sister called me two days later to talk about the scrapbooking thing and I told her I talked to my H and he said he would prefer me not to do it because of the money. She got pissed and started to again tell me how it's not that much money. I was at work so I told her I needed to go and would call her back, which I did not, because I knew how it would go. She is very good and pressuring people and I am too nice.

 

So today, I called her because we live in SO CAL and they are having the fire threats today. I called to see how they were and to let them know that they could stay with me if needed. My sister said, X (the scrapbooking consultant) said I could stay with them and that they have a truck and would come get our stuff if needed, the way she said it was like...yeah they are there for me. I said okay and asked to talk to my mom, my mom then tells me that she will go stay with my other sister (who has six people living in a two bedroom). So I get he feeling that they are pissed. Oh, I should mention that my sisters scrapbooking consultant friend lives 1 mile away from them, so that is not really evacuating! My nephew has asthma and already had an attack today! Honestly, you will go 1 mile away!!! I live 10 miles away, I think that would be better and we could have my BIL sleep on the couch so they could have there own room.

 

My other sister has asthma and allergies as does her son, and my mom has two dogs and a cat! What does she plan on doing with them. Anyways, it is obvious that they are pissed.

 

I should mention before you think I am being insensative, they have not been told to evacuate they are just prepping, which I plan on doing to, it would be stupid not to.

 

Obviously this is not the time to get into an argument with them, but it is apparant they are pissed at me because I CAN'T join there scrapbooking party.

 

Sorry for the long post! I just needed to vent.

[redfathom]

I have been staying in touch my one of my sisters about the fire (not the one involved in above) and she has been keeping me posted on things, my other sister (involved aboce) and mom have not. A friend at work just came and told me that Willow Rd in Lakeside was being evacuated (which is about .5 miles from where they live) so I called her and I said:

 

Me - "Someone just told me that Willow Rd is being evacuated",

My sister - in snippy tone "Willow Rd where? Alpine?"

I said, also snippy "No, why would I call you about an evacuation 20 miles away, it's the Willow Rd in Lakeside",

My sister, "X, I ALREADY KNOW that, they started to evactuate it last night, they said that on the news, where did she hear this?"

Me "on the radio just now and don't get pissy with me, I am calling in case you did not know this"

Her, "well we do, so I got to go"

Then I hung up.

 

Why does she have to get pissy with me because I tried to tell her, in case she did not already know, that they were going to evacuate less then half a mile from where they live, according to the news.

 

I am really pissed right now. I know it's a bad time to get pissed but all I am trying to do is make sure my mom and family are okay and when I call to talk to them they go off on me.

[Kasan]

RF--

 

I hate these "parties" and avoid them like the plague.

 

I ran into the same thing with my sister-in-law. She was selling some all natural facial crap and suckered me into sponsoring her. I know what you mean, it really ticked me off.

 

So I decided after stewing about it for awhile--that the next time someone approaches and wants me to participate in a party, (subsidize their business) I will give them a donation.

 

Maybe RF, you could cut them some slack right now--this is an extremely stressful situation for all of you right now. If my house were being threatened by a fire--well I can't even imagine how I would be. The most important thing right now is to be safe.

[redfathom]

Yeah, I am cutting them some slack, they are not actually threaten, the fire is actually about 20 miles from them and one 20 miles from us, I know the situation is unstable and I am trying to cut them some slack. I even called to fill them in on something I heard and she ripped me a new one, for so reason. It's obvious she is being hostle toward me and I have not done anything wrong. I guess I will tell her, that I will not call her with any fire updates which annoys her based on her reaction, if she will not ask me about ther stupid scrapbooking party. End of story, win-win.

[Kasan]

Yeah, I am cutting them some slack, they are not actually threaten, the fire is actually about 20 miles from them and one 20 miles from us, I know the situation is unstable and I am trying to cut them some slack. I even called to fill them in on something I heard and she ripped me a new one, for so reason. It's obvious she is being hostle toward me and I have not done anything wrong. I guess I will tell her, that I will not call her with any fire updates which annoys her based on her reaction, if she will not ask me about ther stupid scrapbooking party. End of story, win-win.

 

I am lucky I guess, I only have a brother, whom I see once a year at Christmas. I am not sure what your family dynamics are, but I agree that it is unfair of your sister to expect you to purchase something from her friend if you don't have the money. You shouldn't have to explain, apologize, and kiss her butt for this either.

 

But back to the family dynamics--is this how the family operates? In my case, I was the blacksheep in my family. I finally got to the point that I was sick of being treated that way. (There is always one in the family that seems to bear the brunt of this.)

 

So I changed how I interacted with them. They pulled their usual stuff, and I ignored them. They pushed, I resisted--it wasn't pleasant but they finally got the message.

 

I can honestly say when I didn't give a sh*t about what they thought things got better. To this day, they still try to manipulate me to get me to do what they want, but I ask myself first what is it that I want?

 

We are stuck with the families we have--most of mine I wouldn't have anything to do with--but they are family--you know the ties that gag and bind us.

 

Maybe you need to start setting some boundaries.....

[redfathom]

I just got off the phone with my other sister. I guess my mom, her husband, my brother, my sister, her husband and two kids are all at her house because the power went out earlier where they live. Once again, no one thought it would be nice to call me to let me know that they are okay and at my sisters. I am so mad that they don't even have the common courtesy to let me know they are okay.

 

Last time the fires came through SD four years ago, they lived across the street from me and they never called to tell me the fire was less then a mile from our house. I woke up when I smelled the fire. When I called my mom to tell her (thinking she was sleeping since it was 4am in the morning) she said she knew and they were already packing things up. Well, if you were packing things and lived across the street from your daughter it would be nice to call and let her know that you are preparing to evacuate because you can see flame from your window. The fires came with in .5 mile of us and then shifted.

 

Do I have any right to be mad that in a time of emergency my mom and sisters don't call to let me know how they are or to see how I am doing? I mean, I have talked to my two best friends and my BIL has texted me all day letting me know I should get water and fill up my gas tank and to stay in the house. But could my own mom call me and at least see how I am doing, no! And could she call and let me know that they went to stay with my sister, no!

 

I am so angry!!!

[redfathom]

Kasan,

 

My family dynamics are this, my mom and middle sister are BEST FRIENDS, they have never lived further then a block away. They wear the same clothes, have the same cell phone, etc. If one does it so does the other.

 

My middle sister always talks crap about my older sister and so does my mom, but then they act like best friends face to face. I am often not invited to do things, they go to dinner, movies, shopping, the zoo, sea world, etc and I am often not invited. Or I will call to see how they are and they will tell me that they are doing XYZ and I invite myself along.

 

I did not talk to them all for a year and a half because I yelled at my oldest sister for being a bad mom (I was watching my neice and went to her house and it was a mess, they had cat poop sitting on my neices bedroom floor and my neiced had not had a cat in two months) and they all told me to mind my own business. I guess they all get a say in how my neices and nephews are raised but not me. I mean my middles sister is so upset with the way my oldest sister raises the kids, she will let me watch her kids but not my oldest sister.

 

I am close to my dad and none of them are, why, because he set rules and boundries when we were younger and my mom has always been more of a friend. They all moved out of my dads house when they were around 13 but I stayed with him.

 

I always have to go to there house, they never come to mine. I have lived in my condo three years and my mom has been here twice and my sister's each maybe twice also.

 

I am the youngest and don't have kids so I guess my mom does not see the need to be as close to me as my other sisters.

[Kasan]

I am close to my dad and none of them are, why, because he set rules and boundries when we were younger and my mom has always been more of a friend. They all moved out of my dads house when they were around 13 but I stayed with him.

 

Well there it is--you stayed with Dad--how did your mom and sisters see this? Was it a betrayal in their eyes? (It doesn't matter what it was in your eyes.) Dad was the boundary setter, that is why they aren't close to him.

 

It sounds like you have been the outsider for most of your life. They just don't get you.

 

Look, sometimes you just have to face the fact that you will never be able to get what you want from family members. It makes you sad, hurts your feelings, but it can liberate you as well. You just don't have to live to their standards.

 

If your Dad is still alive--I would talk to him about this--he might have some great insight.

 

How is the fire situation? Stay safe.

[redfathom]

Hit the nail on the head. I have been an outsider, I am very differnt from them. And they have been jealous of my success to some points.

 

My dad is stillo alive, I talk to himabout once a week even if it;s for 5 min just to say hi.

 

The fire situation is very sad. I live close to one of the fires that flared up this morning. We can see flames on the mountain to the south and west of us and a neighboring city is being evacuated. I have been up since 2am packing the car and watching the news. At least right now we are okay, they have evacuated 300,000 people so we are very lucky right now.

 

Thanks for your insight and concern.

[Kasan]

The fire situation is very sad. I live close to one of the fires that flared up this morning. We can see flames on the mountain to the south and west of us and a neighboring city is being evacuated. I have been up since 2am packing the car and watching the news. At least right now we are okay, they have evacuated 300,000 people so we are very lucky right now.

 

Thanks for your insight and concern.

 

Fingers crossed that they get the fires under control soon. I feel pretty fortunate--we have to contend with the occasional blizzard--nothing at all like you are going through.

[loyalfriend]

You are not a bad person for putting your "home" over a "scrapbook".

 

Your sister and mother, obviously don't know the value of money.

 

With that said, I think that your family are a bunch of idiots, to even suggest you join their little "scrapbook" party after what you told them.

 

If they really cared that much, one of them would've offered to pay for your scrapbook, but instead, you get treated like an outcast.

 

From what I pick up about your family, they seem to be "jealous" of you.

 

I don't blame them for not wanting to go to your home if they had to evacuate, because they would seem even lower. They are probably just embarrassed, because they know they treated you like crap!

 

You will give them a place to live, but they can't seem to understand why you chose to save money for your home, instead of buying some superficial scrapbook. To top it off, they didn't even offer to give you $25.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't have even invited them to stay with me. I would've called to make sure the baby had somewhere to go, but screw them.

 

Do they usually stay away and not come around?

 

Does your husband like your mom and sister?