I know it's over, and it never really began

[oppath]

She ended it, though I was going to end it. I'd been dating a girl for, well, only 2 months physically because it started long distance before I moved back to California; we had been friends for a couple years and had an intense month or two on the phone. She's an awesome woman and I have nothing but great things to say about her. It just wasn't right. How we communicate, who we were, just wasn't quite right.

 

About two weeks ago, I was falling for her and felt otherwise, but there has been some drama. Her ex was still in the picture, causing her to pull back. that freaked me out. As a result I haven't been quite as available either, meaning I was going to do my own thing, which caused some minor conflicts too such as me not having much time to talk because I was going out with friends, whereas I'd otherwise reserve 1/2 hour instead of 10 minutes, etc. I don't think either of us are ready for a commitment, but it comes down to 1 thing: we just aren't quite right for each other. Any reason I came up with would be an excuse. Same with her.

 

I was going to ask to meet her tomorrow so I could dump her; she just did it by the phone. If it is easier for her that way, so be it. We're pretty much in agreement though. She said "I'm not sure we're right for each other" though she seemed to feel moreso she wasn't right for me than the opposite, even pointing out qualities about herself that she felt weren't what I wanted . In the end, those things don't matter. We're not right.

 

We're pretty much in agreement on it, and it was good to discuss it and make it clear without giving a list of X,Y,Z reasons. Because we were honest and valued each other, I think a friendship will be possible in a few weeks even. She's a little bit concerned about sex if we were to hang out, but I'm man enough to say "NO" to her and not make a move (for several months at least; and I'd never make the move). It's in her court. She's been my best friend the past 3-4 months.

 

Still sucks though, but mostly, I feel some relief. 2-3 weeks ago I was hoping for commitment. She wasn't ready. Funny how compatibility becomes clear in short order sometimes. Nothing BIG, just some small things. Really small. I'm sad, but I guess I also feel relief.

[Pentula77]

Her ex was still in the picture, causing her to pull back.

 

No love triangles fellas, period...if guys followed this simple rule u could eradicate half the posts under breakups and second chances.

[oppath]

Word. I'm aware of that. Been there, done that. Brought me to LS. We actually ended things but then she shows up at 1am knocking on my window. This girl was smoking hot! Makes it hard to turn down. But she is also a friend. I pulled back too, but then couldn't meet her needs, and it became clear we aren't in the right spot, but mostly aren't right for each other.

[Lyssa]

It's weird that it's as if she was reading your mind. Not surprised seeing that she has been your best friend for the past 3 - 4 months.

 

You're taking this well because you were also thinking that you're both not right for each other... that's a good thing.

 

[[oppath]]

[Star Gazer]

I'm sorry to hear that, Oapie.

[oppath]

It's weird that it's as if she was reading your mind. Not surprised seeing that she has been your best friend for the past 3 - 4 months.

 

You're taking this well because you were also thinking that you're both not right for each other... that's a good thing.

 

[[oppath]]

 

well, not surprising in that if something feels off, both people probably feel it. Sometimes only one will accept it. In a way, she was NEEDY. She actually was mad at me last night because she asked me to call her after the football game, but before I went to a party so she could talk to me. Well, by the time I showered and changed -- it was only a 10 minute drive to the party. I waited until I arrived, then called. She was upset because I said I'd call her to talk but since I was at the party, it would have to be short. No matter what I'd only have 10 minutes. Needy, right? Well, yes, but I prefer to think something just wasn't right, which is why she wanted that validation or was upset. She didn't give me crap, was just disappointed. It's incompatibilities like that. We both sensed them. She probably sensed me being slightly aloof because I too pulled back, so she pushed a little. I accept my own behavior in it, but all it means is we are not right. She is my friend. It's easy to move on when it's clear, to both people, "we are not right." And I'm proud of myself for saying exactly that to her rather than some BS line about timing, yadayadayada.

 

Since my last breakup, I've vowed to always say "it's not working. We aren't right, so we need to change our status, so you can move on and find someone who can give you the relationship you deserve, because I am not that person." The only reason for a breakup is "it's not right" IMO. Even if timing/career plays a role, it's still not right.

[oppath]

I'm sorry to hear that, Oapie.

 

I'll be allright . There are worse thing than becoming closer to someone who is cool, having great sex, and finding that you can't put a square peg in a round hole. IF anything, this frees me to find someone else, and I've had the urge to flirt a lot lately.

[Krytie TV]

Ahh, the urge to flirt can be very powerful. At least now you don't have to ignore it. Good luck Oppath

[Lyssa]

well, not surprising in that if something feels off, both people probably feel it. Sometimes only one will accept it. In a way, she was NEEDY. She actually was mad at me last night because she asked me to call her after the football game, but before I went to a party so she could talk to me. Well, by the time I showered and changed -- it was only a 10 minute drive to the party. I waited until I arrived, then called. She was upset because I said I'd call her to talk but since I was at the party, it would have to be short. No matter what I'd only have 10 minutes. Needy, right? Well, yes, but I prefer to think something just wasn't right, which is why she wanted that validation or was upset. She didn't give me crap, was just disappointed. It's incompatibilities like that. We both sensed them. She probably sensed me being slightly aloof because I too pulled back, so she pushed a little. I accept my own behavior in it, but all it means is we are not right. She is my friend. It's easy to move on when it's clear, to both people, "we are not right." And I'm proud of myself for saying exactly that to her rather than some BS line about timing, yadayadayada.

 

Since my last breakup, I've vowed to always say "it's not working. We aren't right, so we need to change our status, so you can move on and find someone who can give you the relationship you deserve, because I am not that person." The only reason for a breakup is "it's not right" IMO. Even if timing/career plays a role, it's still not right.

 

I don't know about other women but I'd probably call after the party or text to let my man know I am leaving, then again, I would only do that if I am fairly exclusive with the man already. If it was just a few months of it, then I'd just call after the party is over and catch up. Better yet, just wait till tomorrow or something. Hey, at least you called. Some men wouldn't call at all!!! LOL.

 

I think you have it figured out, Oppath. As long as you know it won't hurt you just as bad, then stick to what you believe in, you know...

[oppath]

Ahh, the urge to flirt can be very powerful. At least now you don't have to ignore it. Good luck Oppath

I think it's more the urge to be social. She said herself "I think you want a girl who is more outgoing than me, and I can be that person, but not right away in a relationship." She's actually correct, but that is not a knock on her at all.

 

I don't know about other women but I'd probably call after the party or text to let my man know I am leaving, then again, I would only do that if I am fairly exclusive with the man already. If it was just a few months of it, then I'd just call after the party is over and catch up. Better yet, just wait till tomorrow or something. Hey, at least you called. Some men wouldn't call at all!!! LOL.

I've been kind of aloof. She wanted validation is all. I'm good at calling, but I disagree she had a right to be upset. I think she knew it too.

 

The whole experience made me think about my last breakup too, how I contributed, the red flags I ignored, the girl being just out of a LTR, etc. I think it's time to take control of my life, including my dating life, and be selective and to BREAK my patterns. I've always been happy being single, I just haven't enjoyed dating, and I've made some bad choices. That's part of the learning experience.

[Trialbyfire]

If the ex is in the picture in a reciprocated way, then yes, it was the wrong time.

 

Your incompatibilities though, could have been worked through without too much effort from the both of you.

[oppath]

If the ex is in the picture in a reciprocated way, then yes, it was the wrong time.

 

Your incompatibilities though, could have been worked through without too much effort from the both of you.

 

Care to explain? If we're not right, we're not right. There have been issues from the beginning with her being upset over things that I can't logically agree with at all. I try to see someone's viewpoint, so if they are mad at me, I think "in what way did I contribute to this situation?" Sometims the conclusion is "this isn't a big deal, and it's not fair for her to make me feel bad about it." In the early stages of a relationship, I don't feel there should be issues like that at all. Ultimately, it is a communication problem, but I could list 5 examples of small little controlling/manipulative things she has done in our short time together, that I've never dealt with in other relationships so early. I mean, if it takes me an hour to call her back because my phone was on vibrate in the other room and I didn't here it ring, and I tell her that when she asks "why didn't you pick up," her saying "I don't believe you" is pretty damn unfair to me. I consider that an incompatibility that can't be worked through, and there have been several of those issues.

 

Rather than call her needy or controlling, however, I believe we just aren't right, and there are times she was fishing for more devotion from me, because she sensed it too. I think that is more fair because I know this girl. She's quality.

[Trialbyfire]

Care to explain? If we're not right, we're not right. There have been issues from the beginning with her being upset over things that I can't logically agree with at all. I try to see someone's viewpoint, so if they are mad at me, I think "in what way did I contribute to this situation?" Sometims the conclusion is "this isn't a big deal, and it's not fair for her to make me feel bad about it." In the early stages of a relationship, I don't feel there should be issues like that at all.

Sure, I'll explain.

 

well, not surprising in that if something feels off, both people probably feel it. Sometimes only one will accept it. In a way, she was NEEDY. She actually was mad at me last night because she asked me to call her after the football game, but before I went to a party so she could talk to me. Well, by the time I showered and changed -- it was only a 10 minute drive to the party. I waited until I arrived, then called. She was upset because I said I'd call her to talk but since I was at the party, it would have to be short. No matter what I'd only have 10 minutes. Needy, right?

At this point, if you'd said something like, I ran out of time because I had to shower and change, so I've driven to the party first. Since I don't have to be inside this instance, we can chat right now, if you'd like. I enjoy talking to you.

 

Well, yes, but I prefer to think something just wasn't right, which is why she wanted that validation or was upset. She didn't give me crap, was just disappointed. It's incompatibilities like that. We both sensed them.She probably sensed me being slightly aloof because I too pulled back, so she pushed a little.

It's not a major compatibility issue since most people have insecure moments. During those moments, it helps to be gentle. If validation of insecurities becomes a consistent problem, it can be one of two problems or a combination of both. One, an insecurity within your ex and secondly, insecurity due to sensing the pulling back of a partner.

 

I accept my own behavior in it, but all it means is we are not right. She is my friend. It's easy to move on when it's clear, to both people, "we are not right." And I'm proud of myself for saying exactly that to her rather than some BS line about timing, yadayadayada.

I don't see that this incident is a major sign of incompatibilities so I think you're giving up too easy, unless there's way more not referenced in this post or the ex is a reciprocated issue.

[oppath]

Sure, I'll explain.

 

 

At this point, if you'd said something like, I ran out of time because I had to shower and change, so I've driven to the party first. Since I don't have to be inside this instance, we can chat right now, if you'd like. I enjoy talking to you.

 

It's not a major compatibility issue since most people have insecure moments. During those moments, it helps to be gentle. If validation of insecurities becomes a consistent problem, it can be one of two problems or a combination of both. One, an insecurity within your ex and secondly, insecurity due to sensing the pulling back of a partner.

 

I don't see that this incident is a major sign of incompatibilities so I think you're giving up too easy, unless there's way more not referenced in this post or the ex is a reciprocated issue.

 

I hope you're not right . I DID tell her "I have a few minutes to talk, I'm stepping outside and want to talk to you. How was your day?" I didn't say "I'm at the party and can't talk." I wanted to talk, and I said "you'll be back into town tomorrow, that's great! Would you like to hang out?"

 

She says "no, I'm mad at you. You told me you would call me after the game. I'm not going to hang out with you. You didn't call." But I DID call. At most I could have called her 10 minutes early, and I told her "I have 10-15 minutes to talk to you before I go into the party. How was your day?"

 

Again, if I don't pick up the phone, she'll imply "I don't believe you" if I say "I honestly didn't hear it ring." It does happen 1-in-5 times! I've never not picked up the phone when I heard it, but she'll tell me "I think you're lying."

 

She's played the "if you loved me you'd do this" card on me several times. I don't love her. It's too soon for that, and that is straight up manipulation so early in a relationship.

 

I completely agree that small insecurites are normal and need to be treated gently. But I disagree that I should be made to feel like I am a bad boyfriend because she doesn't get exactly what she wants.

 

Keep in mind, that only 2 weeks ago she breaks it off with me over IM because "I just can't do this, I can't give 100%" because I call her and her ex boyfriend was at her house, wanting more information about their breakup. Then she shows up knocking on my door at 1am a couple nights later. My emotional needs aren't being met at all in this relationship, and I'm left feeling insecure about myself and like I am a bad boyfriend.

 

I don't believe I need to reassure her twice a week because it takes me an hour to return her phone call. That's a bit much for me. She's told me several times since we started talking dating "I don't believe you. I think you are lying." when I have NEVER lied to her.

 

In fact, she was saying stuff like that BEFORE she dumped her ex. Yes, we started talking before she left her ex. That's not healthy in my opinion. But when she had a boyfriend, and we were talking about MAYBE dating when I moved back, she'd ask "did you hook up with any girls at that party" and I'd say "NO" and she'd say "I don't believe you." COME ON. She had a BOYFRIEND. We hadn't even been on a date yet.

[Trialbyfire]

I hope you're not right . I DID tell her "I have a few minutes to talk, I'm stepping outside and want to talk to you. How was your day?" I didn't say "I'm at the party and can't talk." I wanted to talk, and I said "you'll be back into town tomorrow, that's great! Would you like to hang out?"

 

She says "no, I'm mad at you. You told me you would call me after the game. I'm not going to hang out with you. You didn't call." But I DID call. At most I could have called her 10 minutes early, and I told her "I have 10-15 minutes to talk to you before I go into the party. How was your day?"

 

Again, if I don't pick up the phone, she'll imply "I don't believe you" if I say "I honestly didn't hear it ring." It does happen 1-in-5 times! I've never not picked up the phone when I heard it, but she'll tell me "I think you're lying."

 

She's played the "if you loved me you'd do this" card on me several times. I don't love her. It's too soon for that, and that is straight up manipulation so early in a relationship.

 

I completely agree that small insecurites are normal and need to be treated gently. But I disagree that I should be made to feel like I am a bad boyfriend because she doesn't get exactly what she wants.

 

Keep in mind, that only 2 weeks ago she breaks it off with me over IM because "I just can't do this, I can't give 100%" because I call her and her ex boyfriend was at her house, wanting more information about their breakup. Then she shows up knocking on my door at 1am a couple nights later. My emotional needs aren't being met at all in this relationship, and I'm left feeling insecure about myself and like I am a bad boyfriend.

 

I don't believe I need to reassure her twice a week because it takes me an hour to return her phone call. That's a bit much for me. She's told me several times since we started talking dating "I don't believe you. I think you are lying." when I have NEVER lied to her.

Ah, now that you've explained the relationship and the conversation a bit more in-depth, it provides more insight into her, that wasn't evident in the previous posts.

She says "no, I'm mad at you. You told me you would call me after the game. I'm not going to hang out with you. You didn't call."

This is manipulation. You're a bad boy, so you don't get the pleasure of my company.

 

She should have said, "Right now, I'm still angry at you but I do want to see you. Let's talk when I get back into town."

 

As for the not picking up the phone thing, that's kind of diva-like.

 

No one should be constantly accused of lying, unless it's true.

[oppath]

Ah, now that you've explained the relationship and the conversation a bit more in-depth, it provides more insight into her, that wasn't evident in the previous posts.

 

This is manipulation. You're a bad boy, so you don't get the pleasure of my company.

 

She should have said, "Right now, I'm still angry at you but I do want to see you. Let's talk when I get back into town."

 

As for the not picking up the phone thing, that's kind of diva-like.

 

No one should be constantly accused of lying, unless it's true.

I have never lied to her. Issues abound. I choose to look at it as WE ARE NOT RIGHT rather than she is manipulative. I know she is going through some insecure moments right now too, with her breakup, moving to a new town and a new job, her sisters divorce and being fired and her finanically supporting her and her kids. I really feel she just wants some security while dealing with these changes in her life.

 

When I say we are not right, it is because I am willing to talk things out and compromise. I am willing to accept my role in a fight. I understand feeling a little insecure and needing reassurance. If she were to just say "I'm disappointed, I was really hoping to talk to you" I'd say "that's sweet of you that you were looking forward to it so much. I have a few minutes and I want to talk to you." Instead it is "you aren't giving me what I want so I am going to punish you." I think a great compromise is "I can't talk much right now, but I didn't know you would be back in town tomorrow. Can we meet up?" That shows I want to spend time with her. I didn't even have a chance to say "after the game, I showered and changed, and drove straight to the party, and as soon as I got here, I called you so I could talk to you for a few minutes because I know you want to talk." This was the 5th instance of something like this in the past two months, and it is wearing me down. I feel like I am a bad boyfriend. I am more than willing to acknowledge "I understand why you would feel disappointed. Can I make it up to you by doing x,y,z" but the answer is "no. You can't. Your compromise sucks."

 

I really think she is struggling with her life changes, and that is why she is acting this way, but I walk away feeling bad about myself. I've had gf's. I know what it is like for them to be insecure and need reassurance or for me to upset them. I've rarely walked away feeling "I'm bad and am doing something wrong" but that is how this girl is making me feel.

[Trialbyfire]

Don't get me wrong. I didn't think you were lying. I wanted to insert the addendum for people that do lie and should be called to the carpet for doing so.

 

The only revision I would add, is regarding any discussion about the amount of time you have to talk to her. If you look at it from her perspective, she waited for you to call. In mentioning that you now only have a few minutes or little time to talk to her, kind of rubs salt in the wound. I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm just suggesting that you consider this aspect.

 

Anyways, I need to crash since it's been a full day for me. I am sorry that this happened. Breakups are no fun.

[oppath]

Don't get me wrong. I didn't think you were lying. I wanted to insert the addendum for people that do lie and should be called to the carpet for doing so.

 

The only revision I would add, is regarding any discussion about the amount of time you have to talk to her. If you look at it from her perspective, she waited for you to call. In mentioning that you now only have a few minutes or little time to talk to her, kind of rubs salt in the wound. I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm just suggesting that you consider this aspect.

 

Anyways, I need to crash since it's been a full day for me. I am sorry that this happened. Breakups are no fun.

 

I do consider that aspect. I understand feeling disappointed, but I talk to her every day, we are not exclusive (because she wasn't ready), and she knew I was going to be busy. I fully understand that she was waiting for me to call and when I did, I didn't have much time, and I understand how that could upset her.

 

For me, this is the 3rd time in 2 weeks I've inadvertantly upset her, and the 3rd time she has essentially punished me when I tried to make a counteroffer or compromise to show her I care, when 2 weeks ago she actually broke it off with me because it was too emotionally draining for her, because she was sometimes confused because of her ex. I've been trying to give her space because she said she needed it. But if every 4-5 days, she gets mad at me for not reading her mind, we aren't compatible. I'm sure I give her little reasons to feel disappointed. I accept that and take responsibility for it. That means I am not quite right for her. The way she reacts means she is not quite right for me.

 

I really feel like she gets her needs met, and I don't get mine met, and I end up feeling like I am a bad boyfriend. I don't want to feel that way. With the right person, I won't feel that way, and we won't have these issues.

[Trialbyfire]

I do consider that aspect. I understand feeling disappointed, but I talk to her every day, we are not exclusive (because she wasn't ready), and she knew I was going to be busy. I fully understand that she was waiting for me to call and when I did, I didn't have much time, and I understand how that could upset her.

 

For me, this is the 3rd time in 2 weeks I've inadvertantly upset her, and the 3rd time she has essentially punished me when I tried to make a counteroffer or compromise to show her I care, when 2 weeks ago she actually broke it off with me because it was too emotionally draining for her, because she was sometimes confused because of her ex. I've been trying to give her space because she said she needed it. But if every 4-5 days, she gets mad at me for not reading her mind, we aren't compatible. I'm sure I give her little reasons to feel disappointed. I accept that and take responsibility for it. That means I am not quite right for her. The way she reacts means she is not quite right for me.

 

I really feel like she gets her needs met, and I don't get mine met, and I end up feeling like I am a bad boyfriend. I don't want to feel that way. With the right person, I won't feel that way, and we won't have these issues.

Only you and she can decide how much work you want to put into a relationship, in order to make it happen. Anything is possible, as long as you're both committed. If it's too much work, I agree that many times, it's just not worth it. The odd time, it is worth it.

[birdie]

I agree with TBF. It sounds to me oppath that you were just going through the initial nervous stages of the relationship and may have given up too soon. ok, the ex was in the picture (is he still around?) and that made you nervous. otherwise I don't see any incompatibility issues, all the stuff you and TBF mentioned can be worked through with a bit of space and time.

 

I don't even think she was that manipulative. It happened to me when I felt a guy pulling away and felt that I had to chase him a bit so I didn't meet up with him when it felt that he was taking me for granted. I think that's a pride thing and I was very straight up about it.

 

So all I'm saying is that at this stage it sounds like you have a communication issue because it is very hard in the beginning of a relationship to trust the other person and to be open

[oppath]

Let's get this straight. 2 weeks ago, she broke it off with me! Then she knocks on my door 2 nights later.

 

Last night, she says to me "I don't think we're right for each other."

 

She's not exactly making it easy for me.

 

My best friend, who dated her briefly years ago, doesn't think we are right for each other.

 

Is it possible, we are just not right?!?!

 

I feel like I have to walk on eggshells, that I'm just going to disappoint her over and over. It's been nothing but "I'm mad at you; you're lying; your compromises suck" for 2 weeks. I don't know what she wants. I can't read her mind. I do accept some responsibility for inadvertently hurting her, and I am more than willing to say "I am sorry" and offer a compromise, but if she won't accept them, if she wants to punish me for it, well, no. It makes me feel bad about myself. No girl should make me feel bad about myself. No girl should make me feel insecure. The woman who is right for me will make me feel secure and confident.

 

And I am interested in other women. If it were right, other women would hardly cross my mind. I want someone who will sweep me off my feet, not someone who makes me say "I'm sorry" 2 times a week.

 

I haven't pulled away. She wanted space to deal with issues. She said "I can't do this right now." I still called her every day. She has been too busy to see me when I wanted. So I make other plans. Then she gets mad at me for having plans, when she told me she wouldn't be able to see me to begin with.

[ncpd25]

Oppath,

 

What were the circumstances with her ex? Had she recently broke up with him before dating you? I was in a similar situation recently and I felt like she was cheating on him and I was the "homewrecker".

 

I experienced things like telling my ex things such as "I Love You" and her response would be "Really?". I typically felt as if she didn't believe me some of the time. I felt like I was talking endlessly to try and convince her of things.

 

My ex broke up with me as she had to deal with all of the "baggage" from her ex. She said she had a lot of issues with trust with him for the 4 years they were together. I honestly believe my ex ran back to her ex.

She originally told me they broke up several months before meeting me. Turns out , she was lyig to me. I believe she broke up with him a week or two before meeting me.

 

Did your ex get cheated on by the guy she previously went out with?

 

I'm sorry your having to deal with your circumstances. I'm still reeling from my break-up. I've been NC for a month now.

 

I wish you the best!!

[birdie]

oppath,

 

understand what you are saying and you are right, she shouldn't make you feel this way. she sounds very anxious though, it is hard to tell whether she is like this usually or if it is to do with her previous relationship.

 

you know best how to deal with it of course and understand that she broke it up with you - although she probably sensed that you were going along those lines.

 

I just think that maybe if possible in the near future you should try to see whether the two of you can talk and discuss what these arguments were really about

[shadowplay]

how were you guys incompatible?