velos142 Posted May 5, 2003 Share Posted May 5, 2003 I am 39 & recently single after the dissolution of a tumultuous five-year relationship. I recognize that I am still deeply in recovery (it has only been two-weeks since we broke up) & sorting through all of the factors that made the relationship unworkable. I am, of course, heart-broken, disillusioned, angry, & feeling pretty down about myself in general – all normal feelings from what I gather in perusing the forums here. Underneath all of these emotions is a sincere acceptance of the fact that, while I dearly love my ex we were not positive influences in each other’s lives together & that therefore the break-up was for the best. The problem I am concerned with has more to do with the future than with the past. I am worried about dating (when I am ready to start). This is going to sound weird but I have never asked a woman out. The periods of my “dating” life have been very brief & what I generally find is that relationships just happen without my taking any initiative. I am not trying to come off as arrogant or anything. I am not devastatingly handsome or wealthy or anything: in fact, I am very average looking with a very average income. I am almost awkwardly shy around new people & find it very difficult to express myself cogently in new situations (e.g. here). Yet, relationships have just seemed to fall into my lap. I meet a person I like, we hang out casually (usually in a group of like co-workers or something) & then start “dating.” It seems like the process is reversed. So, now that I am single & older, I am quite frankly terrified of getting out there & completely at sea as to how to go about it. Living where I live (a large Midwestern city where potential partners are measured by their resume rather than their capacity for care) does little to ease my fears. I would appreciate any feedback or input you all might have to offer. Peace Velos142 Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted May 5, 2003 Share Posted May 5, 2003 [color=indigo] I can understand your fears, considering that relationships in the past have just fallen into your lap, as you put it. I think the first step here would be to take the initiative for once. When you're ready, actively seek to date women. People take many avenue's to do so. I think the shyer people tend to seek the online personals. You get to know someone over e-mail, then advance to the phone, and then eventually to meet. It is a slow process, but reassuring for others because you can establish right away what you want from a relationship. If you want some of the names of popular online dating sites, drop me a private message, as I cannot post them directly on here. If this way isn't appealing to you, then I would suggest you join local clubs in areas that you are interested in. Joining groups like that are a great way to meet new people without the pressure of having to date. I am sorry to hear about your recent breakup. It is good that you realize it was for the best though. When you're ready, I have a feeling that you won't have a problem fitting back into the dating scene again. Best wishes! [/color] Link to post Share on other sites
SeekingRealLove Posted May 6, 2003 Share Posted May 6, 2003 Hi velos142, I'm 37 and going through pretty much the same thing you are. Being married for almost 9 years and then getting thrown into the "ocean" with all the fish is a scary thing. I joined one of the online dating services and found it a great way to talk to ladies. I have kept my expectations low and have viewed it as a way to meet new friends. The first dates are awkward, but it gets easier after each one. Good luck, Seeking Link to post Share on other sites
Author velos142 Posted May 6, 2003 Author Share Posted May 6, 2003 Thanks for your input. I have been looking around the dating sites & they seem a very viable, non-threatening experience. I wonder however just how one goes about intiating contact with the people on in the service? Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted May 6, 2003 Share Posted May 6, 2003 [color=indigo] My advice to you is to sign up on the site and then they tell you how to make contact with the other members who seem interesting to you. All services require a monthly fee and some are cheaper then others. Best wishes to you! [/color] Link to post Share on other sites
SeekingRealLove Posted May 6, 2003 Share Posted May 6, 2003 velos142, It is pretty easy to make contact with people on the "match" sites. You build a profile and do searches on your matches. You read the profile and view their pictures. If you like what you read and see, you send them an anonymous email. If they like your profile, they will reply. After a couple of emails going back and forth, you can give them your phone number and talk to them on the phone. If you both like what you hear, then you can set up a date. I usually do the lunch thing so it only lasts an hour. If that goes well, you can set up something more elaborate. Most women either like walks in the park or to attend a sporting event. If you have any questions, just email me. Seeking Link to post Share on other sites
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