My husband never wants sex

[xxbaddgurl83xx]

My husband and I have only been married for about 5 months.... and we haven't had sex in almost 4 months! He never wants it no matter what I do. He says that it isn't me, he just doesn't have the desire to do it. But someone can only be turned down so many times before they start to believe that something is wrong with them! He has actaully been to the doctors twice because he thinks it is a medical issue. The doctor ended up giving him viagra. Not because he has a problem in that area (because he doesn't) but the doctor said that it may help his desire a bit. Well he hasn't even taken the pills because he thinks it is a crock. I am getting so sick of this. We are a young couple... I'm 23 and he just turned 30. This is really starting to put a rift in our marriage and its sad that we are going through this as newlyweds. I'm pretty certain that he isn't cheating on me and I do feel selfish giving him a hard time about sex if it is a medical issue but I don't know what to do. We would be laying in bed and I'll try to touch him and he will roll away and tell me to stop. I can't tell you how many times I've cried myself to sleep because I feel like something is wrong with me. What should I do? Stick it out and wait until HE is ready to have sex? I just don't feel that it is fair that I have to suffer and I am really afraid that this will lead to divorce or infidelity down the road. That scares me more than anything. When I try to talk to him about it he just gets upset and tells me that all I care about is sex. I just don't know what to do about this issue! Any advice?

[Ladyjane14]

...I do feel selfish giving him a hard time about sex if it is a medical issue ...

 

The health of a man's wienie is fairly indicative of his general health.

As a wife, you're not being selfish to be concerned about that. In fact, it's incumbent upon him to be responsible enough within the marriage to address your needs and concerns, just as you do for him.

[4whatItsWorth]

We would be laying in bed and I'll try to touch him and he will roll away and tell me to stop.

 

By touching do you mean only in a sexual way or are you deprived of even non-sexual touching? I think you need to really sit down and tell him how you need the intimacy, and if this can't be resolved...well then there is no marriage. Because you're right - you won't be able to sustain in a marriage where one of the most basic needs arent fullfilled - especially when you're so young!!

 

Was he like this before you got married, or? I think your hubby needs to realise how serious you feel about this.

[DazedandConfused66]

I'm with the above posters. This isn't right. If he's healthy and not undergoing some serious stressors outside the marriage (job issues, etc), then there is no reason he should be unable to meet your sexual needs. And even if he WAS phsyically unable to do so for whatever reason, he owes you a straightforward explanation of what's going on.

 

Did you have sex frequently before the marriage? I get the feeling you are missing something rather obvious....men don't go from frequent sex to absolutely zero sex without a reason. It is not how we are wired. Please be specific if there was a stressor in the relationship and/or his life recently as that could be what happened.

[Lizzie60]

I wonder... was he like that before the marriage?

 

You need to tell him that sex is a very important part of marriage and if he doesn't do HIS part... you're out of there... simple.

 

If nothing changes, leave him.

[DazedandConfused66]

Oh wait a sec...I checked your posting history. This isn't a new problem is it?

 

From a post you made back in November 2006:

 

Where oh where has our sex life gone???

My fiance and I have been together for almost 4 years. I am 22 and he just turned 29. The first few years of our relationship were HOT! Things couldn't have been better. Well now it seems like our sex life has diminished from almost every day, to one a week, to every other week, to now which seems to be about once a month (when I have to beg for it!). I don't understand what his deal is. He says that he just no longer has the desire to have sex and in my opinion I think he means that he no longer has the desire to have sex with ME. What really bothers me the most is before him and I got together he was all about sex and had been with multiple partners. Now after being together for almost 4 years he doesn't even care anymore. I feel like I'm the guy in this relationship begging my prude girlfriend to give it up! Its ridiculous! I just don't know what to do. I've gotten to the point where I don't even try to initiate sex anymore because I am so tired of getting turned down. Every time I touch him below the belt the first words out of his mouth are "we aren't having sex". He always tells me that sex is all I care about. Thats not the case but I am young and I would like to have a thriving sex life not a old married couple sex life. I feel like he is not interested in me anymore. Could it be possible that he just is tired of sex? I just don't know what to do to get him out of this rut. Its been going on for a few months now and I'm getting frustrated!! Any advice would be helpful

 

So if this was an issue before the marriage, how did you resolve it? Or was he like this all the way up till today?

[marlena]

Yes, I agree with all the other posters!

 

Was he like this before? And if not, what has caused the change, do you think? You say he has a medical problem but you don't mention what it is. I don't get it. And why won't he take the Viagra?

 

I'm sorry but IMO he is being very selfish. You need to address this issue pronto. A union void of physical love is no union at all! Your frustration and discontent will mount and cause you all kinds of emotional damage, not to mention the physical aspect of it.

 

Why men make women feel so unwanted and undesired when the problem really lies with them, I'll never know! Avoidance tactics as usual would be my guess.

 

Don't allow him to make you feel less of a woman. It is he who is less of a man, especially since he chooses to look the other way and pretend the problem doesn't exist.

 

Problems are meant to be solved otherwise they just remain, well, problems. ANd the longer they remain unsolved, the more insurmountable they become.

[Woggle]

I am not trying to condome what this guy is doing but she is living through what millions of men are living through. More often it is the woman that cuts off the sex.

 

I don'tg know what to do because I can't even fathom not wnating to have sex with my wife but maybe you can suggest him getting some help with his libido issues.

[DazedandConfused66]

OK, so has there been any relapse of this issue?

 

6th November 2006, 9:50 AM #1 xxbaddgurl83xx

Established Member

 

Join Date: Nov 2005

Posts: 53

 

 

When will the comments stop?

Its been over a year since I cheated on my fiance and the remarks will not stop. Every time I want to hang out with my friends he always has to ask me if my secret lover will be there. I've gotten to the point where I don't even want to hang out with my friends anymore without him being there because I don't want to hear the comments or deal with the 20 questions. He tells me that I brought this on myself and it will never stop but I just can't stand this. I feel that I have been punished long enough for what I have done to him. I know its going to take him a long time to trust me again but he choose to stay with me and things are now going really good between us. Those comments just won't stop though. I don't want to feel like I can't leave the house without him but that is how I'm starting to get because I just get sick of hearing his mouth everytime I walk out the door. What should I do? Will this ever stop?

[marlena]

Oh, well, THAT sheds a different light on the problem. What more can I say?

[DazedandConfused66]

Oh, well, THAT sheds a different light on the problem. What more can I say?

 

No kidding....I'm likely showing my age here when I pull a Roseanne Roseannadanna outta my hat and say, "Never mind!"

[marlena]

Posters should be more honest when they ask for other people's advice. Disclosing facts that are pivotal is just a waste of everyone's time ...especially when they are sincerely trying to help.

[marlena]

Sorry I meant to say "not disclosing facts". Sheesh! I really need to start being more careful when I post!

[xxbaddgurl83xx]

My husband and I went through a few dry spells after I cheated on him in the past but we got through things and our relationship couldn’t be better… except now the sex has stopped. After we got over our issues our sex life became very active again and he learned to trust me. He never mentions the cheating that occurred in the past so I don’t believe that has anything to do with why he won’t have sex with me now. Before I could understand… but now it makes no sense. I don’t understand how someone can go from having a healthy sex life to not wanting it at all. He’s even told me that he doesn’t even masturbate anymore. I actually asked him if he did because if I still did that but didn’t have sex with me I would be furious! He said that he has no desire. When he went to the doctor they did say that his testosterone level was a little below normal but it was nothing too serious. I don’t understand why a man would turn down sex, or even just oral sex! There have been times when I have just offered that to him, without wanting anything in return and he denies it. Who denies that?!?! Don’t get me wrong, our marriage is great and I love him with all my heart but I just feel that a marriage without passion and spark will not last very long. I know that if I had a “medical condition” where I didn’t want to have sex I would at least find other ways to please him sexually without intercourse, so I don’t understand why he can’t do the same with me? Beings that I did cheat on him in the past you would think that he would want to keep me satisfied in the bedroom to avoid such a thing from happening again. I have no desire to cheat on him, I never want to go down that road again, plus I’m not stupid enough to cheat on someone when I am married! But I don’t think he realizes what this is doing to my self esteem. I feel like I’m not good enough for him or I feel like my sex sucks which is why he doesn’t want to sleep with me! I have a million thoughts running through my head and I feel like this is all my fault… even though I know deep down that it’s not.

[xxbaddgurl83xx]

I also don’t appreciate people making me feel like crap because I didn’t mention issues that we had over 2 years ago. Those issues have nothing to do with the issues that we are having now. Trust me. This is on a whole new page. I’m here for advice, not to be belittled by my past mistakes.

[seibert253]

I suprised he went through with the marriage. No offense, but if it was me, I'd have gotten the ring back and then I'd been gone.

[xxbaddgurl83xx]

We worked through our problems. I was young, and he was in jail. I made some stupid mistakes but so did he. My mistake was cheating; his mistake was going to jail. We both have forgiven each other for all the stupid things that we did in the past. We’ve been together for 5 years and have had our share of ups and downs but we have worked through everything. I feel like I’m being ganged up on when I just wanted some advice from outside parties.

[Poboy]

both of you should really go to a good counselor together . there is something wrong which he is not telling and he needs to open up. maybe a counselor can do it and you might get answers.

[seibert253]

All of us have done stupid things, some of us continue to do so even though we know better. I think, (for what that's worth), your husband still has some unresolved issues with the cheating thing. If the two of you are resolved to make your marriage work, then counseling will help. Sounds like he hasn't gotten over this yet, and is "punishing" you by witholding sex. Really not good for either of you. Counseling helped my wife and I with unresolved issues, and it may help you and your man. On the physical side, a man's testosterone levels continue to drop as he gets older. One of the main symptoms of this is lack of sex drive. A simple blood test can confirm this.

Best of Luck,

[smartgirl]

Badgirl - sorry, but I think you are wrong. What happened two years ago is part of your history now, and his. You may feel he moved past it, but things from the past have a way of being awakened by things in the present.

 

My H had an EA with a woman over 20 years ago. I felt like we had gotten over it and moved on to a very happy life. And we did. But I never faced the deep resentment I felt for being made to feel unwanted. It caused me a number of years later to feel I was owed some ego building attention of my own.

 

No need to go into the whole saga, but you two need to see a MC and get some things out in the open. Your H actually may not realize what is bothering him. But I would be willing to bet it will turn out to have something to do with the previous situations. Sex issues are rarely about the sex.

[DazedandConfused66]

Jail/prison too?!??! Wow, you kinda left out some seriously big issues here. Hard to help when it's like stumbling in the dark over all the elephants in the room.

 

...our relationship couldn’t be better… except now the sex has stopped.

 

I don't mean to make light of that comment, but really, that's like me saying "Hey doc, I feel fine other than this crushing pain in my chest and arm, inability to breathe and oh yeah...bleeding from my rectum." Not having sex in the marriage at this stage tells anyone with a bit of common sense that your relationship is ANYTHING but "great." Wake up!

 

After we got over our issues our sex life became very active again and he learned to trust me. He never mentions the cheating that occurred in the past so I don’t believe that has anything to do with why he won’t have sex with me now. Before I could understand… but now it makes no sense.

How can it make no sense to you now? You cheated on him what....2-3 years ago maybe? I'm not sure from your posting history actually. But if you believe a man can visually erase such images of you engaged in sex acts with another person in such a short period of time, then you aren't thinking straight. Men are highly visual creatures. I've no idea how the two of you reconciled your past mistakes, but I assure you, his feelings of resentment could be alive and well for years to come.

 

And further, you mentioned that this declining/non-existent sex drive was present as of November 2006...less than 12 months ago. Your post from back then was almost a mirror image of this one. This isn't a new problem and could very well be driven by emotional distress he still suffers over your cheating.

 

You may not want to hear this. You may completely disbelieve it. Most cheaters want to forget the past quickly and get over the "consequences" part of their actions. For you to throw it out as a possible cause is indicative that you don't have a clue how your actions could have impacted your partner.

 

Don’t get me wrong, our marriage is great and I love him with all my heart but I just feel that a marriage without passion and spark will not last very long.

You are right that it won't last very long. But this behavior was present before you married. And I still question your definition of a "great marriage."

 

Beings that I did cheat on him in the past you would think that he would want to keep me satisfied in the bedroom to avoid such a thing from happening again.

Or he could be harboring resentment towards what he perceives as a lack of remorse and understanding of HIS feelings about your cheating, which leads to resentment, which leads to him having NO sexual desire towards you at all, which leads to having zero sexual drive period. Again, cheaters seldom have any compassion for the damage they do to their partners....they just want to skip over the consequences and "kiss and make up" and move on.

 

But I don’t think he realizes what this is doing to my self esteem. I feel like I’m not good enough for him or I feel like my sex sucks which is why he doesn’t want to sleep with me! I have a million thoughts running through my head and I feel like this is all my fault… even though I know deep down that it’s not.

I'm not going to say it's "all your fault," but I will say to try something. Take that very paragraph and apply it towards HIS feelings about your behaviors in the past. What do you think your cheating did to HIS self esteem? What if he's thinking HE wasn't good enough to keep you sexually satisfied? What if he was worrying about YOUR loss of weight over the years you've been together and how you may now seek the approval of other men in addition to his own? What kinds of thoughts do you think are running through HIS head over all of this?

 

Obviously, it's enough to keep him from wanting sex from or with you. And for a man, that's some serious psychological and/or physical impediments he's got rolling around in there. To think it's all YOUR fault is wrong and I'll agree with that. But to deny the fault that obviously IS your own is equally wrong.

 

I'd say you two need some outside help, quickly. Lack of sex is a symptom of a marriage in crisis. But it's almost NEVER the root cause. To believe that you've got a "great marriage" without sex at the 5 month mark is purely delusional on your part.

[reboot]

Are you in his head? Can you read his mind? Then you don't know if this issue is different. When someone cheats on you, you never, ever forget it. I'm not saying this is the problem, but you are dimissing it without a thought that it could be.

[DazedandConfused66]

Look, you said you don't like being made to feel like crap for your past mistakes. Nobody does, I don't either. But your past can and often does define your present and future, particularly if you don't take the time to deal with the root cause of those mistakes or to understand the consequences of same.

 

In your mind, you've got a mystery on your hands. You are young, attractive and horny. And yet, hubby isn't interested in even a no-strings-attached oral session with you, let alone anything of sexual substance. If we ignore your past for a moment (hard for me to do, but lets take your approach), you have to analyze the situation objectively and try to find some other reason that's contributing to this problem.

 

Some thoughts....

 

1) He exhibited this behavior before, at least a year ago. What was the cause back then? Chances are the cause back then could be the same as the cause now, as his reaction (no interest in sex) appears to be the same. People tend to respond the same way to the same issue repeatedly. This is why bad habits are so hard to break....it's called "conditioning." Think back a year ago....what caused him to not want sex back then? While you are at it, what "cured" his lack of sexual interest back then if, indeed, you've only been in a dry spell sexually for the past four months.

 

2) What's been going on in his life lately besides you and lack of sex? Work? New job? Did you move? Family issues outside of the home? Health issues? Diet or exercise changes? He could be dealing with extreme depression and just unwilling to acknowledge that he IS depressed. Or he could be exhibiting warning signs of other mental illnesses, such as bi-polar behaviors, and he's in a depressive state as opposed to a manic state. These aren't issues you can cure on your own...he'll need professional help. Men in particular are prone to NOT seek help for mental illness, depression included.

 

3) He's gone spontaneously gay on you. Not likely, and there should have been other warning signs. But heck...if this is a mystery and you are looking at all possible causes, may as well throw the gaydar into overdrive and look for the possibility that he doesn't like girls anymore.

 

....or, ruling out lifestyle changes, health issues and spontaneous gayness, all you've got left is....

 

yup, you guessed it....past unresolved issues. Likely related to you. Maybe not....might be related to childhood issues, etc. But very likely related to you.

 

Sherlock Holmes was fond of saying that "when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."

 

If you want to solve this problem, you have to eliminate ALL possible causes. What's left when you do, no matter how much you may think is not the cause, is your answer. This is called using abductive and deductive reasoning together to form a solution.

 

My money is on your past behaviors and his own haunting your attempts at marital intimacy today. But I've only been married 20 years so.....could be wrong I guess.

[WonderingWTD]

Maybe put a lot of hard work and planning into a special night made just for him. If you work hard to set the mood and make him see your sexy side theres no way he could turn you down. That gives you a chance to show him your stuff and that sex with you isnt boring. After that maybe hell want it m ore often.

 

Try candles, sexy outfits.. the usual. Or if you can think of something more original.

[Integra]

Wow.. There are just a multitude of problems

going on in this relationship..

 

Two really big things jail and cheating.. You

both need to get into some MC and probably

some IC.. Mainly because whether either one

of you realize it or not.. I'm fairly certain that both

of you have a fair share of resentment built up

towards one another.

 

Not mention, this whole problem with sex isn't

a new problem for you.. If you really think that

your marriage is great in spite of the lack of sex.

Than you really need a serious wake up.. This, if not

dealt with, in the long run, can and will cause more

problems in your relationship than you can fathom

at this time.

 

You both have so many unresolved issues with

one another that you need to start addressing

them and working on them, if you want this

marriage to work..