whichwayisup Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 Time to lay it all out on the table and have a very serious conversation with your husband. If you want your marriage to work, have a healthy sex life and BE together intimately, then TALK about it with him. If he isn't going to have sex with you and has shut himself off completely, your marriage is going to go further down the toilet. You'll cheat on him again eventually. Do you really want this marriage if things stay the same as they are now? Wanna be miserable in 10 years? No sex, no affection? Marriage counselling has to happen if you two have a chance of fixing this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxbaddgurl83xx Posted October 22, 2007 Author Share Posted October 22, 2007 I attempted to speak to my husband a bit today about how this issue is bothering me and he got very defensive and again accused me of only caring about myself. His defense is that he has a problem and something isn’t right with him and I am basically just attacking him by giving him such a hard time about having sex. He said that he looked into going to a sex therapist but beings that his insurance doesn’t cover that he would have to come up with about $500 in order to go. He said that when he gets the money for that he will do it but then he makes me feel bad and makes me feel like I am pushing him to do this. I understand that this is probably bothering him as much, if not more, than it is bothering me so I do feel bad when I am constantly giving him attitude for it or making comments about it but I can’t pretend that this doesn’t bother me. By the end of our conversation his “I’m sorry that you feel this way” turned into “just shut up and stop bothering me about this” Link to post Share on other sites
Kasan Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 I attempted to speak to my husband a bit today about how this issue is bothering me and he got very defensive and again accused me of only caring about myself. His defense is that he has a problem and something isn’t right with him and I am basically just attacking him by giving him such a hard time about having sex. He said that he looked into going to a sex therapist but beings that his insurance doesn’t cover that he would have to come up with about $500 in order to go. He said that when he gets the money for that he will do it but then he makes me feel bad and makes me feel like I am pushing him to do this. I understand that this is probably bothering him as much, if not more, than it is bothering me so I do feel bad when I am constantly giving him attitude for it or making comments about it but I can’t pretend that this doesn’t bother me. By the end of our conversation his “I’m sorry that you feel this way” turned into “just shut up and stop bothering me about this” Why can't he have his problem looked at by a family doctor--why does he need a sex therapist? Something just doesn't sound right here. How did the issue get resolved the last time? Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 I agree that something isn't right here. If the doctor said it is due to his medical condition, just exactly what is his medical condition? Talking to him won't get you anywhere, I'm afraid. The more you talk to him the more likely he is to get defensive and go deeper into denial. I know I've been there before. You'll just wind up sounding like a nag (to him ) and he'll blame you for it. How did you get over this hump before? Sorry to ask this but could there be a third person involved? Link to post Share on other sites
Kasan Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 I just went back and had a look at some of your earlier postings. This has been a troubled relationship for a very long time. Your counselor thought you should end the relationship but you still got engaged and married. It doesn't seem that your problems ended at all. I am wondering what you thought your marriage would be like--you entered into this marriage with a plateful of problems. You need to go back to counseling and work on yourself. You are too young to be going through this. Marriage shouldn't be this hard. Now from what I know--to go to jail for 6 months for DUI means (in my state) that there was a second or third offense involved--so I am guessing that your husband has an alcohol problem. How is this a factor in your marriage? Is he an alcoholic? Is he a closet drinker? Do you want to spend the rest of your life living like this? You will have to make some hard decisions that probably should have been made before your married him. I really don't think that you can fix this on your own--you couldn't when you were single. Link to post Share on other sites
DazedandConfused66 Posted October 22, 2007 Share Posted October 22, 2007 There are a couple of other facts she's not told us about in this thread: 1) Hubby had a brain injury 10 years ago, but started treatment in past year or so via meds. No idea what those meds are or the side-effects from same however. 2) Hubby had drinking problem (may still have) and hit her when she told him she had lied about cheating. No matter what she did, violence is unacceptable behavior. I'm just wondering if her counselor was told all these facts? We have the luxury of reviewing your past posts whereas the counselor does not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxbaddgurl83xx Posted October 22, 2007 Author Share Posted October 22, 2007 My husband has been to his family doctor on 3 different occasions. The first time he went they took blood, the second time he went he was told that he has low testosterone and was prescribed a testosterone lotion that he had to apply every day. That didn’t work at all. I don’t really understand how testosterone could be absorbed through your skin like that anyway. That last time that he went was 2 weeks ago and he was prescribed Viagra which he refuses to take because he does not have a problem getting or maintaining an erection so he does not think that those pills will help with his libido. The next option that his doctor gave him was a sex therapist. So the idea of the sex therapist is actually coming from his regular doctor, however he said it will probably cost close to $500, and that is $500 that we just don’t have at this time. I don’t believe that a 3rd person is involved. We are together 24/7 except for when we are at work. Other than that we do almost everything together plus we don’t keep any secrets in our marriage (we learned the hard way not to do that when we were dating) so I’m pretty certain that there isn’t anyone else. As for the jail situation, my husband was on probation when he got pulled over for his DUI a few years back. It wasn’t the DUI that sent him to jail; it was the violation of probation. His probation was for a prior DUI charge so that’s what did him in. My husband doesn’t have a drinking problem; he is just stupid when it comes to getting behind the wheel of a car after being out drinking. I’m pretty sure he has learned his lesson with that because now if I drink and drive he gives me a whole lot of crap about it. In total honesty the whole sex issue is the only issue that we have in our marriage. We get along great, he helps me around the apartment, we have plenty to talk about, enjoy spending time together and we do hug and kiss throughout the day. It just seems that when nighttime rolls around that is when the tension begins. He stares at his wall and I stare at mine. I’m afraid to touch him because I constantly get rejected and the only touching that I get from him during the night is his arm around my waist while we are sleeping. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxbaddgurl83xx Posted October 22, 2007 Author Share Posted October 22, 2007 My counselor knew everything that went on and all of those issues are old. We have not had any problems in a long time. My husband was taking meds on a regular basis for his head injury. He doesn’t take them as often anymore. My husband only drinks socially now and even then will only have a few beers and quit. He never hit me after that one incident. He has done a complete 180. People can’t believe how much he has changed. I’m happy that things have changed between us. I haven’t been this happy since we first started dating… well except that we actually had sex then!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 He has actaully been to the doctors twice because he thinks it is a medical issue. But even if it were a medical or physical issue on his part, what stops him from pleasuring you manually or orally? This is where the "other than this, we have a great marriage" part doesn't seem to hold up. If he really cared, there are many ways of sharing sexual intimacy that don't involve erections, penetration or intercourse... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
sunseed Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Hey badgurl, I can understand why you might feel belittled by posters bringing up your past post about infidelity, but IMO I don't think anyone wanted to insult you by bringing up the past. I really just think they were looking for something in your history to shed a little light on this issue, which I agree is a big deal and is obviously causing you quite a lot of pain. I would add--and please know that I don't want to hurt or insult you either--that your husband's trust issue is possibly a bigger factor here than it may seem. I don't know if you've sought therapy to deal with the infidelity of the past, but if you haven't yet, it may be useful for addressing the root cause of his lack of interest. A recent comment on one of my posts (my husband is not interested in sex either, not for nothing), suggested that men are not very good at being honest about their fears. It would follow to me that even if you and he have communicated about the trust issue, he may still have some lingering fear about doing the very thing with you that you did with someone else (sorry to be so blunt! I'm only trying to be clear) that hurt him in the past, and he doesn't know how to communicate it to you. Have you considered therapy? In my experience, the right therapist and shared goals for therapy can be extremely helpful. All the best to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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