People who have been cheated on and moved on..

[Kat]

As most of you know, I have issues of trust (gosh, really?). My last long term relationship was a very abusive one, both emotionally and physically. From what I can see, and feel, I am over the physical abuse, but I can't seem to shake my issues of trust.

 

I am wondering if any of you have been in a long term relationship (even one of those ugly messy ones that **** you up for life) where you were cheated on. I want to know how you got through it. What things you told yourself to move on.

 

I have tried counselling and nothing, all I get is a "You are a level headed young women who knows what happened and seem to be dealing fine with it".

 

See the thing is, I know EXACTLY what the issues are, I know that the problem was back there and that my current partner is nothing like my ex. Nor would he do the things I think he will. I am aware of when my mind goes over board or I feel like acussing my current partner for stuff he didn't do. I just can't seem to overcome that sudden savage me that comes out when I start to think I will be treated the same again(even tho I know I won't)

[Tony T]

There is no magical way to heal from the past...nothing anyone can say....no magic words....no secret potion....no rituals....not a thing in the world but your own human efforts.

 

The best you can do is get over it the same way as you should live your life, one moment at a time. There is no other moment in the universe except right now...this very millisecond. The past is long gone and will never reappear...and the future is either far away or...zip...it just flew by. So, if you live in the present, any cheating that you may have endured is nonexistent...except in your memory. Memory is not life...it's only a record.

 

It is simply not fair to your current guy to be dragging unpleasant crap out of your mind and applying it to him. If you live life moment by moment, then the cheating will either be in the past or maybe in the future and totally irrelevant to the now....the now that you are CHEATING your ownself out of by mindscrewing yourself. There's no way of knowing if there's cheating in the future and you can mindscrew yourself to death speculating. But the time you spend doing that is stealing time from yourself.

 

So who's doing the worse cheating??? I think it's you. You're cheating your ownself out of precious moments because of your choice to dredge things up out of memory and obsess about them. You are stealing the present away from yourself. So what is the purpose of even having a relationship now if you're going to cheat on your guy by taking moments from him and giving them to some a**h*** from the past???

 

Now, who's cheating on who???

[loca]

My ex-boyfriend left me and was cheating on me w/ a 16 year old (I am 27). I do have a little bit of a harder time trusting men now because I had always trusted the ex. But, you can not hold your new boyfriend responsible for your ex's actions. Trust him until he gives you reason not to (not because he finds a topless woman attractive). Good luck.

[Kat]

This is the point, I don't to blame my ex, or accuse him of stuff. I want to know how other people go through it, and have ben able to trust again.

 

Tony: I am not looking for a quick fix, nor am I looking for some magic words. I am trying to share expereinces with other people and try and learn something.

 

Loca: Ok, so you don't trust guys as much, but you don't hold the/a new guy responsible or treat him different. Why not???

[loca]

I don't treat new guys differently or always think they are cheating, BUT if I get that feeling that they are doing something for me not to trust them then I will address it. Before I was to naive and believed everything my ex told me. Now I go into the relationship trusting, but I keep my eyes open.

[Just A Girl2]

Kat, you posed this question to Loca but I feel like adding my 2 cents:

 

Ok, so you don't trust guys as much, but you don't hold the/a new guy responsible or treat him different. Why not???

 

Why not what? You're asking her why she wouldn't hold a new guy responsible (for being cheated on in the past) or treat him differently?

 

Is that what you're asking?

 

If this is what you're asking, it seems basic common sense to me that it would be absurd to hold new partners in any way responsible for the hurts and pain caused by our exes. Our current partner (or future partners) have done nothing to us, they weren't the ones who hurt us and we should not be placing our burden on them........that's called 'unattractive baggage' and a sure recipe to drive a good man away.

 

If you're in a relationship and always have this tingling fear in the back of your mind that your current partner is going to end up hurting you because someone in your past did, then IMO, you're in need of counselling and are not at the place in your life where you're healthy enough emotionally, to be in a relationship........and surely not emotionally equipped to give all that you can to your partner.

 

No guy wants to feel that he has to pay for another guy's trangressions. It's a very unfair request or expectation.

 

We've all been cheated on, but we learn to get over it and move on and not allow ourselves to become stuck in the past. Even people who've been married for 20 yrs have found themselves cheated on.......but with time and support and often counselling, and self reflection, they learn to heal and move on and be ready down the road for someone new to enter their life.

 

As I get older, I find more and more that I get tired of women who have this "victim mentality".........and then they wonder why good men in their lives leave them, or turn away.

[Dazza]

To answer your question from your origional post:

 

You need to share your problems with someone you trust and love. They will support you, and understand what is going on.

 

I still have issues from my marrage break-up, but I try not to dwell overthem. It drags me down.

It was easy to feel like a fool, but I s'pose I accepted what happened, and thought, hey I'm a great person, no-one is going to have the power to make me feel that way.

The past is in the past, the future is new and exciting.

I live by the theory that first you have to learn to love and accept who you are, then you can start to love someone else.

I learnt to believe in myself and figured out who I was.

 

Mind you, it still took some time to getover it all (10years in a relationship) but I wouldn't want to be in anyother position than where I am now.

It is all a learning experience. Make sure you learn from all the good and bad stuff.

 

 

So there ya go......if you want to know more about how I got through it, just ask.

Daz.

[Kat]

We have had a good talk. I have decided to try and let it go. I can either worry about it and how it might happen, or I can trust him not to hurt me and deal with it if I ever have too. He has my trust.

 

We were reading through a magazine and there was a survey. One question was "What do you consider cheating?" The answers where "Fantasising about having sex with someone else, Kissing, Flirting, Oral sex, Sexual intercourse, Falling in love with someone else"

 

He replied with everything but the first one. I kind of looked at him and asked why. He said you cannot be in control of what you dream about. I said that dreaming isn't fantasising, it is when you actively think about having sex with someone else, and he went "Oh I didn't think it meant that" As you can guess, my brain started going crazy.

 

My b/f claims that my eyes change when I am angry, upset, or think bad things. He asked me what I was thinking about 5 minutes later, and I said "Icky stuff" he replied with "I know" and a smile. I told him it is ok, I will get over it soon and that I am trying hard to move on from my old ways. I asked him why I was going to get over it, he asked and I replied with "Because you love me and I don't have to worry about stuff like that, because you love me".

 

In short, at saying that felt amazing and the way I was feeling melted away. I am slowly getting there, but it isn't over night. But I feel as if I am putting alot of effort into it and it is paying off

[Dazza]

Good for you. I suppose the last bit of advise is to take it slow, open the door bit by bit.

 

It is a good thing that you guys had a chat, it will help your b/f understand you, and you him.

 

Keep smiling,

daz.

[Kat]

Sadly it started with us having a very heated discussion and both going unhappy and unfinished. My b/f said he was sorry for getting annoyed at me for what I had no control over. I basically told him exactly how I felt and why I was scared. I think it came out very blaming and he got very annoyed. He apologised the next day and so did I.

 

I just hate feeling sad, when I should be happy. I mean I am in love, I should act like it

[Dazza]

If you are in love, then you don't need to act like it.

I think know how you are feeling, it sucks.

 

Try to understand what is making you feel sad, does it feel like something is missing? Your b/f should make you feel great all the time. (except for when you have a blue!) You need to understand your own feelings.

 

I've had a few relationships that I have called off over the last 6 months, the latest was a person that was really nice, no issues, caring and loving. But something just didn't feel right, so instead of messing her around for months I called it off early. I guess I know what I want, and know when it is right or not.

 

Try to fiure out why you are feeling sad. Maybe you are still on the recovery stage?

 

Daz.

[Just A Girl2]

He said you cannot be in control of what you dream about. I said that dreaming isn't fantasising, it is when you actively think about having sex with someone else, and he went "Oh I didn't think it meant that" As you can guess, my brain started going crazy.

 

How is 'dreaming' actively thinking about having sex with someone? A person can't control what they dream. We've all had bizarre dreams, for instance, about people we can't stand......very crazy dreams, ones in which we really like them in the dream.

 

I hope your poor b/f doesn't feel he has to somehow have to control his dreams in order to make you feel secure. You worry a lot and seem to have some really deep issues with all of this, to the extreme of thinking that if your b/f were to dream about someone other than you, that that would somehow be cheating. Wow. Wonder what he really feels inside about your constant insecurities and needing constant reassurance. Poor guy.

[Kat]

Originally posted by Just A Girl2

How is 'dreaming' actively thinking about having sex with someone? A person can't control what they dream. We've all had bizarre dreams, for instance, about people we can't stand......very crazy dreams, ones in which we really like them in the dream.

 

I hope your poor b/f doesn't feel he has to somehow have to control his dreams in order to make you feel secure. You worry a lot and seem to have some really deep issues with all of this, to the extreme of thinking that if your b/f were to dream about someone other than you, that that would somehow be cheating. Wow. Wonder what he really feels inside about your constant insecurities and needing constant reassurance. Poor guy.

 

Did you even read what I said/typed? I said that fantasising is when you actively think about someone else and being sexual with them not dreaming. At no time did I say he was in control of his dreams, nor did I say that I held him accountable for it. I am aware that he isn't in charge of what he dreams. How about you read what I say before you try and nit pick.

[loca]

Kat-

 

I am just curious why you are always qustioning your boyfriend. It has got to be driving him crazy. You need to figure out why you are so insecure w/ the relationship. Why do you torment yourself w/ thoughts of "icky stuff?"

 

Do you two ever just relax and enjoy each other's company without all of the questions? (What is cheating? Would you be turned on by a topless girl?) I think it may help if you get counseling for your insecurities and "sadness". You are going to drive him away and that is the last thing you want. It sounds like he is very patient w/ you and loves you. But, you need to be very careful if you don't want to lose him. RELAX and quit worrying about what MIGHT happen. Good luck.