GG21 Posted May 5, 2003 Share Posted May 5, 2003 Hi folks, I'm going a bit crazy and really need advice on this one instead of everyone telling me to 'get rid of him!' Right, I'd been with my guy for 11 months and things were great, we were in love and so on. We went on holiday for a weekend to celebrate my 21st birthday and things didn't exactly go as planned. He decided he wanted a break, but ended up dumping me two days after we got back! Anyway, we've recently started speaking again. We met up for coffee last week and ended up going to the cinema. He took my hand and was 'all over me'. We then decided to take one day at a time and see how things went. However, I felt as if the world had crumpled on top of me as he told me yesterday that he'd kissed someone else at the weekend. I was out at a club with my friends, where he was supposed to be going (we'd arranged to meet up) but they went elsewhere. He thinks I've over-reacted but all my friends think I'm right. He's still saying we'll take each day as it comes, though we did have a bit of an argument today. Other times he's just so nice. Do you think he still wants me? He insists he's not after sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted May 5, 2003 Share Posted May 5, 2003 I just don't get it. This guy has hurt you by breaking up with you after a nice vacation; then he agrees to try things again one day at a time and further crushes your world by telling you he kissed some chick...I mean, is that information he had to offer you fully knowing you would be hurt??? This guy seems to go out of his way to hurt you and for no good reason. First, a guy doesn't break up with you if he really cares about you. Then, if a guy really cares about you he doesn't go off and make out with some other girl if he's earnestly trying to get back with you. I know you don't want advice to break up with this guy so, since you don't control him and you don't seem to mind getting hurt, you might just want to put a counsellor on retainer so you can get help each time. There is no evidence in your post to indicate that he wants JUST you and, because of his behavior towards you in breaking up with you and then seeing some other girl while he's trying to get back with you it's pretty clear that you're in for some extreme emotional whirlwind and heavy duty chaos. Because you want to stay with this man, despite every bit of evidence that he's at least not interested in how you feel if even interested in being with you, I'm going to say this: I don't often get religious on this board but the only alternative I can suggest to breaking up is for as many of the people on this message board to pray for you as possible and I will be one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladybug313 Posted May 5, 2003 Share Posted May 5, 2003 I am sorry I have to go against what you told us not to do, but ....can't you get rid of him? He seems to be totally jerking you around. And very blatantly too... I don't know, are you sure you want to even spend time with this person anymore? I certainly wouldn't. Link to post Share on other sites
GG21 Posted May 5, 2003 Share Posted May 5, 2003 Thanks for the advice folks, especially Tony. Its really confusing as you can imagine. I think I'm giving it to the end of the week, and unless he's done some major grovelling then thats it. We spoke tonight and he said we can't rush things as both our parents and friends would be wary. He says it like its my fault, when I in fact have done nothing wrong. I see what you're all saying and I don't think I can take much more hurt. GG. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted May 5, 2003 Share Posted May 5, 2003 i know how u feel. no, he doesn't want u back. he's enjoying the power he has over you. I know why you want to be back with him - you want him to treat you well, and then all will be great. Right? the thing to realize is that treating you like crap is an integral part of him - he cannot be different. What you want is somebody who doesn't exist, even though a large part of it exists in this guy. it'll take a while, but u'll move on, don't worry =) just remember to keep your pride up. best of luck, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted May 5, 2003 Share Posted May 5, 2003 "he insists he's not after sex" MY ASS!!! everybody's after sex (except for nuns). what you want is a guy who's after MORE than sex. btw, why don't u ask him what he IS after... -yes Link to post Share on other sites
jessicakicksbut Posted May 5, 2003 Share Posted May 5, 2003 Please don't mind me saying this, but your ex seems like a jerk! You seem like a nice person who can do so much better, my advice is to start dating other guys and stop waiting on this one, especially since you are young yet! Link to post Share on other sites
Just A Girl2 Posted May 6, 2003 Share Posted May 6, 2003 My guess is that he met someone else.....like maybe this chick he kissed on the weekend......and he's quite interested in her, but doesn't want to totally lose you........so he came up with this BS story about wanting to take a break, but taking one things at a time...of course with the benefit to him of being able to "be all over you" when he sees fit, have you to hang out with (the perks of a relationship without the commitment or responsibility) when he FEELS LIKE IT, but the freedom to suck face with other chicks. Oh, and the icing on the cake is that he's concerned what friends and family might think if you got back together, so must take things slow..cuz he's WARY. HAHAHAHA. Girl, take it from someone who's dated for 20+ years.......this guy wants to be able to have his cake and eat it too. Don't you dare give him til the end of the week to decide what he wants...YOU BE THE ONE TO DECIDE!! Why should he have all the control here? After all, he's the one who dumped you. And why the hell did he have to tell you that he kissed some chick? He sounds like a real pr*ck. That's not the kind of info you tell someone you'd been in a relationship w/ for 11 months, then recently dumped (after a nice vacation, to boot)........ BLow him off. Break off all contact. I know it's going to be hard, you're going to be sad and likely miss him lots....but we TEACH people how to treat us, and if you continue to give him the time of day after his sh*t here, you'll be sending him a loud and clear message that you don't think you're worth all that much and that you have no self respect and that he's just the greatest thing since sliced bread and you'll be his doormat. Be strong, stand up for yourself.....and let this loser go. People who dump you unexpectedly after 11 months together, after a vacation together (how convenient.....I'm sure he got his fill of sex with you on this vacaction, all the while planning to dump you when the fun time was over), who now want to take things one day at a time don't deserve friendship, they don't even deserve to lick your boots. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted May 6, 2003 Share Posted May 6, 2003 "We'll take each day as it comes" = "If I feel like being with you today, great, but tomorrow I might feel like being with someone else, and if so then I will." If you agree to that condition, then you agree to the consequences. In his mind anything goes. He hasn't made any promises to you. If you choose to play along then you're there of your own free will, and you cannot blame him for anything. Or so his rationale goes. Yes, he is using you for sex. And ego gratification. He probably doesn't want to see himself as being that kind of person, so he sets things up such that you're a willing participant. You know there's no commitment, yet you choose to see him anyway. The rather obvious fact that he's ignoring or oblivious to is that you wouldn't be there if you didn't think there was a chance that there will be a commitment. So now it's all up to you: do you continue your rather humiliating gamble (that in all likelihood won't pay off), or do you recognize that this guy isn't capable of delivering the goods. He's got some of the pieces, but not whole kit. It'll probably be years (years and years) before he's got it all assembled. If you wait around for that the chances that any affection at all would remain between the two of you are almost null. I'd stop seeing him if I were you. And I'd stop listening to his angst and saccharine affection. It's all meaningless. Link to post Share on other sites
GG21 Posted May 6, 2003 Share Posted May 6, 2003 God, you're all so right. Everything that has been said, is what my friends and family are trying to tell me! Thanks for all the positive comments about myself, as this so called "relationship" has been tearing me to shreds and I'm ready to go kick ass! Link to post Share on other sites
GG21 Posted May 6, 2003 Share Posted May 6, 2003 Hiya folks, well I took on board your advice as well as that from my friends and family and broke it off with the guy, much to his surprise. Revenge is sweet, now I can 'hurt' him at least a little bit! Yay! Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted May 6, 2003 Share Posted May 6, 2003 Congrats. Now beware that the joy of revenge will fade & you'll likely feel a bit down about all this. Just take your time, and don't let yourself contact him. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
km82794 Posted May 21, 2003 Share Posted May 21, 2003 I know it's probably the last thing you want to hear, but I have to agree with Tony on this one. You are leading yourself down a path of destruction and I hope for your sake, your best friend has a bachelor's in psychology. I have recently had my 3 year relationship come to an end, and the one question I have repeatedly asked myself is... "Why did everyone else see it coming but me". I hope for your sake you will print out these replies and read them over and over until you understand, everyone else sees it but you. I know it hurts now, but you are so young. You can and I'm sure you will, find someone who cares for you as much as you do them. This guy sounds to me like he is holding on to you until something better (in his eyes) comes around, sorry. Just by the way the guy didn't end up meeting you at the bar that night says something. You asked for advise but I'll give you something better, a quote my Mom always used to say to me.... Honey, don't waste your time on a man who won't waste his time on you. Best Of Luck!! Link to post Share on other sites
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