Jealous of Sister

[anna]

I can't help but feeling jealous of my boyfriend's sister. She acts like they are so close and that he cares about her more. I think he does care about her and they are close. But, come on, they are siblings. I am close to my brother and sister but I don't interfere with their relationships or think that they should revolve their lives around me. In fact, he is 10 years older than her....they weren't even raised together!

 

How can I keep a healthy relationship with my boyfriend if I can't deal with his sister? Is it normal to be jealous of her? Aren't I supposed to be his priority and significant other? We have been dating for 3 years now.

 

Advice?

[Tony T]

Blood is thicker than water. Perhaps if you marry this guy, you'll be elevated to a status more even with his sister...perhaps a little higher.

 

This doesn't happen in most families. Most guys love their sisters but pretty much put their priorities with their romantic partner. Your circumstance is a rather curious anomaly.

 

I don't think talking to your boyfriend about this will do much good. But if you've put up with it for three years, you should be used to it by now. It might be well to communicate your concerns to your boyfriend and discover just what the dynamics are of his relationship with his sister. See what his feelings are. And let him know how her behavior affects you and the relationship.

 

But you don't need to be jealous of his sister unless your boyfriend is into incest. If you were to marry him and he put his sister ahead of you, to me that would be grounds for hitting the road.

[jessicakicksbut]

After three years of dating and still putting the sister first, to me that would be a red flag. Usually, if a guy is heistant to "cut the strings" as they get older, they never will. Trust me, I put up with this behavior from two of my ex's, and if it doesn't at least improve in the three years of your relationship, it never will! I am all for putting family first until marriage, don't get me wrong. But to let them interfere with a relationship, that is a different story. I think you should express your concerns to him, and just like Tony said, let him know how this behavior affects your relationship with him.

[zoecharlene]

I think you may have to deal with it. My brother and I are very close. I am 4 years older then him and I took care of him as much as a mother would her child. Now that he is in a relationships for a little over a year now we are not that close, but I know if I needed him he'd be there for me. Maybe try to get closer to the sister. It may be hard, but it may work. I know I don't like the fact of my boyfriends girlfriend taking all his time, but what can I do. Just try to involve her and find out what kind of person she is. If she's the type of person you normally wouldn't hang out with, just try it for your man.

 

I know his girl gets upset when he involves me in a lot, but I don't care. I feel if she has him, she has his whole family.

[raine]

I am in a similar situation...sort of. My bf sister claims to be really close to him and at one time they were and when the are around each other they are still. However, he doesn't like to talk to her that much because she complains a lot and makes him feel guilty if he doesn't do things she asks. He hates saying no to people. It drives me crazy. Lately I have been dealing with anytime we are out with her that he puts her first. He asks if she wants to sit in the front of the car or he can talk to her for 20 minutes without saying one word to me but if I try to say something just to him he says I would like my sister included. I think he feels like he has to put her first. I know that he is just that type of person and he wants to make her feel like a priority but it drives me crazy that he gives in to her all the time. I understand family first but there has to be some point where it is crossing a line. I'm sure this probably hasn't helped you much but at least you know you are not alone. Good luck to both of us.

[gocubsgo]

i dealt with a similar situation on a much grander scale.

my ex's (thank god he's my ex) sister was a complete weirdo.

everytime she was around her brothers in public she would try her hardest to get

complete attention focused on her. she would sit on their laps and hug and kiss them

and say "don't you just love me?"

well this woman (used loosely) was a nut.

she was single (obviously) and 35 and probably will never find a man to put up with her

so she looked to her brothers to shower her with the affection she wanted (but didn't

deserve, long story)

and of course if i was there, i was dead to her. she felt very jealous of his relationship with me

and was very mean to me if she said anything at all.

basically, it all depends on how HE handles it.

my ex didn't do a thing about it and never stuck up for me or put me first.

that was my wake up call.

if your guyis doing that now, he will do it if you're married.

he's probably a momma's boy too right?

if so, RUN, don't walk.

i could talk for hours about that type of guy.

it's bad news.

good luck and i hope your situation is not as bad as mine was.

[raine]

gocubsgo, I can't believe it. The sister I was talking about is so much like the one you mentioned. Only the sister I deal with jumps up on him to hug him and wraps her legs around him when she sees him come into the bar. Crazy. She is 37 with no man and does look for him for the attention. If he even stands next to me too long she makes a comment and he goes and stands next to her. And my bf is a mamma's boy too. He is just so afraid to hurt her feelings, she is all alone and blah blah blah.

 

Anna, I hope this helps you because you are definitely not alone! It is a hard thing to deal with but what I have always thought about with this is my bf is so caring and it isn't him that is doing most of it he just can't stand up to say anything about it. I know that he loves me and will never be with his own sis so I just try to ignore it. At some point I may stand up and say something to her myself but I haven't really gotten to that point yet.

[gocubsgo]

raine-

i have to tell you, it will only get worse.

i ended up being engaged to this man! even though i knew how his mother and sister were.

well, they broke him down so much that he thought the only thing to do was to break it off with me.

when he did that, i did alot of thinking. of course he came crawling back to me admitting that he never should

have listened to them and i was his main priority!

lots and lots of crap. (and of course i didn't take him back, no matter what he said)

bottom line is this:

people like that are so unhappy with their own lives that they will stop at nothing to make everyone around

them miserable. and they will hide behind the excuse of "i'm only concerned about you".

can you imagine being married to this person and living the rest of your life with a family like that?

because you don't marry just him, you marry his family.

do you want your children around them? will they try to badmouth you to your own kids?

these are all the things i thought about after we broke up.

and the answer was obvious to me.

RUN !!!!

if he won't put you first now, he never will.

when i was with him and dealing with all that (it's a long story, but his family was HORRIBLE to me)

my stress level was at a crazy high. my hair was falling out and my blood pressure was through the roof!

i was literally physically ill when i knew i would be near them. (because they would either act like i was not there

or ask me mean questions or make accusations. your jaw would hit the floor if i went into detail!)

one time i did stand up for myself and he just sat there and didn't say a word while i told his mom and sister what i

thought of them and how they treated me. i was very mature about it and i didn't use name calling, but they knew exactly where i was coming from

after that, he was like "i'm so proud of you, now they will like you and

have respect for you!" so i said "really?, you should try it sometime!"

well, they didn't. they only hated me more. which at that point, i could have cared less.

i really hope your situation is not like mine. because i really feel for anyone who has to go through that.

i am a nice person and have lots of friends and have never done anything to warrant what they put me through

but now i realize how important it is to be with someone who has a good family. not perfect, just good people.

i have that now and i cherish it!

so if we don't work out, i know it won't be because of his overbearing, meddling, mean-spirited family!

good luck!