What is Wrong With my Wife

[Fearless]

I could write volumes about our 13 year marriage, but will try to stick to the point.

 

I'm 38, married 13 years, 3 kids all under 12. My W has been over stressed, overworked, mentally and emotionally spent since the day I met her. When we were dating, I was 24, she was 20. Our weekends were not out partying or having fun the way 20 somethings do, but sitting in her apartment because she HAD to do her laundry.

 

Over the years, she seemed to be angry at me all the time. She has had problems getting along w/my parents, sister, her friends and so on. She has, at times, been the greatest mate you could ask for. No fighting, no issues with in-laws. Then suddenly, it all goes to crap, she will get red-face angry at my mom and sister for what I consider small/insignificant things. She believes that I put my parents, sisters happiness ahead of what is right for OUR family. The fact is, what she claims are the best things for our family (ie. where we spend Xmas, and other holidays, kids seeing their cousins) seem not to be based on what the kids want to do or convenience, or even logic. They are based on what would be the most in-convenient, hurtful toward my family.

 

I'm not perfect and many of the problems we experience I can accept blame for. But I have had many friends and family, including my wifes mother and father (they are divorced) tell me I am a great father/husband and they are relieved their daughter wound up w/a good guy. I have gotten along famously with every family member I have had. All my friends are the same ones since high school, so I'm not the type that has troubled relationships. In fact, before my wife became part of our family, and I hers, growing up we NEVER had family fights or arguments. My W and I have tried to evenly distribute our time between our to families and even tell them NO sometimes. But most of the time, when my W wants to say NO, there is no real good reason that I can find other than it would prove a point.

 

What can we do? Why does she do this? She refuses to go to counseling, which I did on my own for about 6 months.

[GeminiWoman]

This is just an idea, may not apply in your situation at all. But here goes...every family is different. In some families, boundaries hardly exist at all (think 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' as an example) and in other families there are very rigid boundaries.

 

When someone from a rigid boundary family marries into a no boundary family it can be very hard. Sure the no boundary family is nice and wonderful, etc. but it can feel overwhelming to someone who is not use to that type of family system. If a person has a hard time being assertive or if other people have a hard time hearing 'no' it can create all sorts of resentment (on one or both sides).

 

That might account for the reason your wife seems to get angry over insignificant things. To you, they're no big deal. To her, someone has overstepped their boundary. Or maybe it's not even that one particular thing that is an issue but she unconsciously has a need to distance herself from your mother or sister for a little while and the 'thing' that made her angry is just an excuse.

 

But most of the time, when my W wants to say NO, there is no real good reason that I can find other than it would prove a point.

One of the things I have learned along the way is you don't really need a reason to say 'no'. There's nothing wrong with your wife just not feeling like doing something. She doesn't need a 'good reason' to justify her action. I suspect from your comment, you get upset when she says no and she, in turn, begins to get resentful of you and/or your family. That resentment can fuel a lot of fires.

 

This is the way I look at it. My family is my family. I expected my spouse to attend and interact on a certain number of occasions but not necessarily every time. Some of the time, it's okay for you to do things with your family of origin without your wife. You can still take the kids or not. But you shouldn't expect her to always want to spend the same amount with your family that you do. Hope this makes sense. Good luck.

[NotKelly]

My parents marriage broke up over this very issue: dad came from a rigid boundary family full of emotional repressives, mom came from a family with NO boundaries and a good deal (sometimes too much) emotional expressiveness. (wow, the way you talk, you could be my mom - "I get along with everyone great, why doesn't he?")

 

How DO people like this get married and stay married long enough to breed???

 

But most of the time, when my W wants to say NO, there is no real good reason that I can find

The reason may be that she wants to assert her independence of your family due to her own upbringing patterns, and through no fault of your own. You're going to have to accept that as a valid reason if you respect her.

 

Be thankful she is trying to at least express herself on this or you might find your marriage suddenly blowing apart the way my parents' did because my father always went along grumbling with what my mother and mother's family wanted. He never really put his foot down effectively on things that were important to him and he just stewed with resentment for 30 years.

 

Which was not fun for the kids (my sister and me).

[Fearless]

I can understand boundaries. So do my parents. Then never criticize my wife, or tell us how to raise our kids or butt in where they are uninvited.

 

 

The problem with the boundaries seems to be with my wife. The usual pattern is this: She will call my mom/sister EVERY DAY, several times a day. Talk for hours. Ask for all types of advise, have my mom babysit, call for her help in an emergency when we need a sitter, arrange to have my kids/my sisters kids play all the time. Great and awesome family life and this can go on for months, sometimes years.

 

Then, something happens, my wife will flip over something. Last time it was my mom had my kids overnight while we were away. When we picked them up in the morning, my sister was there and turns out my mom had her kids stay too. Well, wife was pissed my mom did not clear this with wife. Now, mom is on limited baby sitting, very limited phone calls, as with my sister. Wife stated Xmas will be with her family. This is all very strange because we all spent a whole week on vacation in the same house this summer. The past year has been great and we have had many instances like the above mentioned w/o problems.

 

It seems like my wife is not trying to be independent of my family but is punishing them for the incident w/my sisters kids. Thats how it goes, she gets real cozy with them then wants to keep them away. I've also seen her do this with friends over the years. She gets real close to 1 or 2 girlfriends, then one of them says/does something wife doesn't like/agree with. Then over the next couple of weeks or months, the friendship gets rocky then its over, and she hooks up w/new friends.

[GeminiWoman]

Sounds like she has issues with anger stemming from the belief that she is entitled to have everything her way. Would you consider her to be controlling? I ask this because my soon to be ex husband was that way and any time things didn't go his way, he got angry. He tends to be controlling, in a passive-aggressive sort of way. It also might be a way of avoiding getting too close to people.

 

Also sounds like she could be jealous of your sister's kids. Maybe she perceives that your mother favors them over your kids. It not unusual for the in-law spouse to believe that even when it's not true. Just throwing out ideas here since you don't feel the boundary scenario fits.

[sillygirl32]

I had similar issues as your wife. I was brought up in a very strick and demanding family where nothing was truly good enough for my parents. I couldn't just live in the moment. Instead, I was constantly living in the future (i.e. if I get all of the house cleaned and laundry done, then I will have time for some fun with the kids and hubby, etc.).

 

I think that your wife is having a hard time accepting who she is and that what her capabilities truly are. She may be able to multi-task excellently, but then she can't handle the ultimate stress of some minor mistake. She needs to learn that it is okay to not have everything perfect - that life is really short and that it is okay to have a dirty house because you elected to play with the kids instead of cleaning. Maybe you could gently intice her to join you in marriage counseling, expressing to her that it is because you love her so much not to see her get so stressed out and also because it is affecting you and the way that you see your marriage. I wish my husband would have said this to me before he choose a different path, although we had other issues that ultimately led to our divorce.

 

Good luck..

[Fearless]

Thank you all for your insight and advise.

 

Yes, she is controlling. That is one of the other many issues.

 

We had a long and constructive talk last night and I think we both realized that she wants what I can not give her. She says she is emotionally dead, has had her heart stomped on so much that she is afraid to have it happen again. That really shocked me as I thought she was going to tell me about some experience from her past but she was talking about US. She said that over the years, I have not listened to her feelings, I am quick to tell her she is wrong or not understanding the situation when she is having problems with family and friends. She has often referred to us as roommates not husband/wife. I suggested counseling again and she said no. She is really not happy.

 

Interesting fact though. She has come to this latest realization from being able to confide in a girlfriend. She said she cannot come to me with her problems and feeling so she confides in friends. This has happened several times before. She can't go to counseling but she can go to friends, who are untrained in marriage counseling. I suspect she does this so she can control what the friend hears and thus can get the response from the friend she wants. If we go to counseling, the counseling will hear everything and may offer solutions wife doesn't want to hear.

 

My wife is famous for telling half truths, manipulating fact to get what she wants. I always have to consider that when she comes to me. So yes, I guess I have not always agreed with her when she complains about conflict with friends/family, or her feelings. I always feel on guard that she is trying to get me to take her side via manipulation of facts and situations. Over the years I have felt that she is always looking for a reason to get upset at someone or something and will seek out until someone can agree with her. Since I won't do it, she is not happy.

[Fearless]

I wish my husband would have said this to me before he choose a different path, although we had other issues that ultimately led to our divorce.

 

Good luck..

 

You sound like the type of person who listens to others when they talk to you and accept that they are trying to help and improve the situation. My wife tends to dig in her heels as if she is preparing to fight for her own existence. Her response when I try gentle nudging is something along the lines of "This is me, don't try to change me".

[Amy22]

Some of the things you described about your wife sounds like me. I have anxiety issues so it is hard for me to go out and leave the laundry. I also get stressed over making decisions or when I am dealing with a lot and it comes out to others as anger, when really it is me stressing myself out to much over the small things. There is medication and/or counseling, if that is what she has, but she would have to be willing to do it. It would seem like I am angry at everyone when really I am so stressed dealing with everyday things and problems that I would become frustrated angry at myself and was not a happy person to be around becuase I was so stressed with everything. Everything had to be perfect. Laundry done, the house clean and school done. Doing something for the first time would stress me out. Will I be there on time? Will I screw up? Stressing over everything that happened in my life just made it seem like I was angry. I don't know if this resembles your wife at all but when I read your story some of the things she is doing sounded like me and I wanted to atleast share my story. If she is just being mean and hateful that isn't right. Also if she isn't willing to get help that isn't right. I do take medication and it helps me so much. Even the people I worked with noticed a difference in my attitude because I was the same way at work. I hope that helps and if you have any questions let me know. Good Luck

 

I also wanted to say I didn't have to go to counseling my family doctor gave me the medication. I have been in counseling but I currently am not. You can look up anxiety on the internet and it would give you more information.

[Angelina Nisse]

Thank you all for your insight and advise.

 

Yes, she is controlling. That is one of the other many issues.

 

We had a long and constructive talk last night and I think we both realized that she wants what I can not give her. She says she is emotionally dead, has had her heart stomped on so much that she is afraid to have it happen again. That really shocked me as I thought she was going to tell me about some experience from her past but she was talking about US. She said that over the years, I have not listened to her feelings, I am quick to tell her she is wrong or not understanding the situation when she is having problems with family and friends. She has often referred to us as roommates not husband/wife. I suggested counseling again and she said no. She is really not happy.

 

Interesting fact though. She has come to this latest realization from being able to confide in a girlfriend. She said she cannot come to me with her problems and feeling so she confides in friends. This has happened several times before. She can't go to counseling but she can go to friends, who are untrained in marriage counseling. I suspect she does this so she can control what the friend hears and thus can get the response from the friend she wants. If we go to counseling, the counseling will hear everything and may offer solutions wife doesn't want to hear.

 

My wife is famous for telling half truths, manipulating fact to get what she wants. I always have to consider that when she comes to me. So yes, I guess I have not always agreed with her when she complains about conflict with friends/family, or her feelings. I always feel on guard that she is trying to get me to take her side via manipulation of facts and situations. Over the years I have felt that she is always looking for a reason to get upset at someone or something and will seek out until someone can agree with her. Since I won't do it, she is not happy.

 

I feel so sorry for her. I understand how she feels....how sad. Even this post of yours is so telling......so revealing. You assasinate her character at every turn!

 

Yes, she is controlling.

 

I suspect she does this so she can control what the friend hears and thus can get the response from the friend she wants.

 

My wife is famous for telling half truths, manipulating fact to get what she wants.

 

Over the years I have felt that she is always looking for a reason to get upset at someone or something and will seek out until someone can agree with her.

 

You make her sound like a MONSTER! Wow. No wonder she goes to her friends, she's probably desperate for someone to JUST LISTEN TO HER!!!!!

 

You seem to almost HATE her.