Thinking of moving

[niceguy27]

Not sure if this is pertinant to anything about r/s but may be to coping with a former one.

 

Its been 2 months now since my ex and I split. A lot of you already know the story so I wont rehash it. It's hit me pretty hard. I have dated quite a bit in the past and had my share of r/s. She was different though...was planning on proposing to her later this year. Then we split. No real indications she was ready to leave me. Everything was pointing to the up and up. She had moved out, things had calmed down a bit (she wanted some independance living on her own) then whammy! She got scared and had to know if I was the one for her. I still feel as if I could be with her but circumstances show otherwise. If/when we ever do it will be months down the road.

 

Anyway, I operate a couple of those carts you see in the malls. Started last year with an actual store front with a partner. He bailed 2 months in, left me hanging. I have since moved into a mall, getting a long ok but in the process I had my house foreclosed on, bankruptcy, death in the family, and now my ex leaving me. I thought I had it all down. A house, business, future with the ex, etc. Then the curveball comes and whacks me in the nose.

 

Im thinking that after the Christmas season I am going to move away to a new town. I live now in an older manufacturing town that is full of a bunch of go nowhere people. Economy is depressed and most of the single girls have kids (no offense to them, I want someone w/o kids). All people do is go to the bars and everyone knows everyone else. The only place that is happening both economically and culturally is on the west side of my state. I am close with my family and very afraid to move away from them and start 100% over with the life I have busted my butt for so long to get (bought my house at 24, 27 now).

 

What, if any advice do you guys have? I know its a few months down the road so no decisions now. I am not the type that longs for anything. I think that if you have a good family and someone to love, what more can you ask for? I would be perfectly happy staying here and moving my business elsewhere and commute but after working this long and hard to get where I am at, I feel that there is nothing really left here for me.

 

Any pointers??

[Crestfallen_KH]

I think that's a normal response. I, too, am contemplating a move and I've been broken up about as long as you have been.

 

It sounds as if you've been hit with a huge wave of grief-inducing stressors - I'm sorry to hear that. But, because of that, I would be less inclined to make major decisions right now. Although we often feel ok (and even happy somedays) we are still grieving a loss. And any decision made during that process can't help but be affected by our grief.

 

I would advise giving yourself a couple of months at least to think about a move before you actually do it. It should be ok that there aren't any "dateworthy" women in your town - I'm sure you're not looking to get married in the next few months anyway.

 

Just giving you advice that I am myself trying to follow!

[niceguy27]

Thanks. I havent really focused on all of them but once I put it all down like that, it does seem like a lot. I've kept a pretty positive on all this. Trying to remember that everything happens for a reason but just in the past couple of days its starting to wear on me more and more.

[Surfer Girl]

I think with what you have been thru right now... The last thing you need to do is move right now.... Another stress factor you don't need.... I think your emotions are making you feel you need to runaway.... Take some time... If you really want to move... First find a job.... and recognize is this really what is best for me.... Sometimes the emotions just want us to move away.... What justification do you have to move? To have a better job? If that is the case.... Then go for it.... But if you don/t have a job in that place... you may want to re-think things....

[niceguy27]

I have a job. I closed my other store at the beginning of the year after my partner left me high and dry and moved it to a mall where so far its been fairly steady. Problem is, Christmas is when I will make almost all of my money. After that I think I may need to relocate to a better location (another mall). Money isnt that big of a deal...well it is but the holidays I will finally be back on my feet. Another location will boost sales but will take me away from my family.

[melodymatters]

There's probably a lovely woman right around the corner who would respect your closeness with your family and not hold your bankruptcy and foreclosure against you, But WHOOPS, she has a child !

 

Good luck with your geographical cure to the land of childless woman !

[niceguy27]

There's probably a lovely woman right around the corner who would respect your closeness with your family and not hold your bankruptcy and foreclosure against you, But WHOOPS, she has a child !

 

Good luck with your geographical cure to the land of childless woman !

 

 

Haha. I didnt mean Im opposed to it or that is the reason why I want to move! I would like to date someone without a child as I want my own someday. Its like saying I won't date someone that is 3" taller rather than 1" taller than me. Not a big deal, its just a preference.

 

Geez...remind me not to cross paths with melody on a bad day

[Curious139]

I am not the type that longs for anything. I think that if you have a good family and someone to love, what more can you ask for? I would be perfectly happy staying here and moving my business elsewhere and commute but after working this long and hard to get where I am at, I feel that there is nothing really left here for me.

 

 

I like your attitude. Too many people are seduced by the bright lights of the big cities, never realising that cities are lonely places.

 

You've had some extraordinary blows in your life and I admire you for not complaining about it all. Many people would be utterly crushed. Frankly I would.

 

Niceguy, you have personality, intelligence, and decency. I'm inclined to think at your age you should take the shot and move. You are young enough to have the energy and enthuasiasm to relocate. If it doesn't work out, then you will still have learned things and you can come home.

 

While chewing this over consider that you do not want to find yourself at the age of 50 saying "I wish....". Take your chances when you can.

 

Best of luck.

C

[niceguy27]

thanks curious. gld your still out there. btw how did the bday go with you (i think your exs was comin up?)

 

i havent really thought about things until just recently. ive had some time to myself and ive suddenly had these thoughts about doing something different. so far i havent broken down or let things bother me so i think im still holding up pretty good. losing my ex has hit me the hardest. my dad has told me te same thing...just wait a couple months till after the holidays to make a decision.

 

i dont want to leave but maybe losing all this and having been given the chance to start over fresh is what is planned for me? is this a normal coping mechanism or is it because im overwhelmed? i like to come here and rant...its my therapy i guess.

[NocturnalRaids]

I say do it. You don't have a reason to stay. You lost your "American Dream" and you have to start over, so why not move? You aint got nothin to lose cause you already lost it all.

[sao2]

If there is ever a "safe choice" and a "crazy choice" in life. I am always for the "crazy choice". I would hate to make the safe choice and wonder what if for the rest of my life.

 

Also I disagree about big cities being lonely places. Small towns are friendly if you are from that small town. If you are not from a given small town they can actually be really lonely places.

 

There are a lot of people in cities who are away from their hometowns and I often found a great group of friends in the cities.

 

I think such thoughts go hand in hand with coping. But only if you are unhappy with your current situation.

 

In my case I was planning to move before we broke up I was just going to take a little more time to do it. Now I am convinced that it is time for me to move.

[niceguy27]

Up to this point I thought I had it all...House, new business venture, a steady love, and good family. For the first time I was truly happy. Everything was falling in place. All the hard work was paying off. Now that each one of those (except family) has failed in some way, I am now forced to adapt to this completely new life. Its quite the whammy for me and only recently is it starting to sink in. I've been fine but why is coming out now?? Its a little bit here and there but I can feel it building up inside me.

 

I want nothing more than to just settle down and live my life. To get up and move and start all over again is going to be the hardest thing to do.

 

Is that what I maybe need right now? I kind of look at it as having been given a clean slate with life...The ability to start over and go forward with the knowledge and wisdom Ive gained from everything that has happened to me.

 

Anyone done this and took off to start a new life and loved it with no regrets???

[J2911Gal]

Don't use moving as a way of running away from your hurt. I too have had some of the very same things happen to me this past year. And I've wanted to just get as far away as possible. Thankfully I have a 14 year old son who is keeping me grounded and focused. I can relate, more than you know. Really put some thought and planning into it. Don't just go off on a whim. Give yourself a time frame. Make a plan. Allow yourself some time to research where you want to be. Set some goals. Find yourself. Sometimes that is the hardest thing to do after losing part of that to someone else. And most of all...be happy!!!

[melodymatters]

Up to this point I thought I had it all...House, new business venture, a steady love, and good family. For the first time I was truly happy. Everything was falling in place. All the hard work was paying off. Now that each one of those (except family) has failed in some way, I am now forced to adapt to this completely new life. Its quite the whammy for me and only recently is it starting to sink in. I've been fine but why is coming out now?? Its a little bit here and there but I can feel it building up inside me.

 

I want nothing more than to just settle down and live my life. To get up and move and start all over again is going to be the hardest thing to do.

 

Is that what I maybe need right now? I kind of look at it as having been given a clean slate with life...The ability to start over and go forward with the knowledge and wisdom Ive gained from everything that has happened to me.

 

Anyone done this and took off to start a new life and loved it with no regrets???

 

 

Hey NG !

 

Sorry for being snappy, glad you didn't take it too seriously

 

Yes, I HAVE just moved away and started over. I think the key is some sort of plan. Do you have a specific place in mind ? have you researched employment, or starting your Biz back up there, and housing costs and all that practical stuff ? Is there a real upside to town B, or are you just "escaping" town A ?

 

If you have answers to the above that make you feel good and excited, then why not ? You only live once !

[J2911Gal]

Don't allow your hurt and pain to rationalize a decision that could change your entire life. I've been through alot of what you have gone through this past year. And it stinks. But I've realized through the hurt that I'm a stronger, smarter woman for living through it. I agree with an earlier post, do you want to look back when you are 50 saying.. "what if?" I know that if I didn't have my wonderful son to think of I too would probably been starting over somewhere else. But I'm glad I stayed. This is my home. Sometimes I feel very alone. There are constant reminders of my previous life. The what ifs. Make a plan. Do some research. Don't do anything out of reaction. You are being given another chance to follow your dream, whatever and where ever that may be... Find yourself, be happy.

[niceguy27]

Haha. NP Melody!!

 

Its all a toss up on where I want to live. I want to keep the biz open here (its a very depressed economy here) and open another one on the other side of the state (booming economy). My indecision is whether or not I want to physically move myself over there or stay here. Once the other store is opened up, my cash flow will get a lot better and I will finally have more freedom.

 

I dont want to run from things but my parents both said that to succeed I have to go where the money is at. And that is over there (other side of state). I think Im thinking about all this because I am just now starting to have to face these stressors from the past year. After my ex left, I think that was my breaking point and its caused me to completely re-evaluate my life. I always thought in simple terms you know...Love, family, and quiet place to live. I don't necessarily want/need all the big city lights and hustle and bustle to be happy. But life throws curveballs and maybe this was all meant to happen for a reason.

 

All I know is that lately, for the first time in my life, I am feeling lost and unsure as to what path I need to take. I know I am a strong person and have always kept my chin up but after this blow, I'm not so sure anymore and thus the feeling that I need a change.