Think I have been played. Again. sigh.

[Sunflower]

Hey all. I haven't been back in a while...anyways, looks like I have been played the fool yet again. Let me know what you think.

 

So I met this guy in my P.E class and we've been hanging out steadily for hmm, maybe about 3 months or so. It started from greetings in class, then he asked me out for a cup of coffee after classes one day, then he got my number, then started calling, and we kept meeting steadily. You get the picture.

Because I want to make sure how a guy feels about me before I start opening up myself fully, I let him do the leading and phoning in the beginning, which he did earnestly. Over time he started asking things like, "do you miss me right now?" "my friends dig you." "how much do you miss me?" I didn't know whether he was trying to show me he was interested or not, but I answered back lightly, "yeah I miss you."

 

Recently, at the end of April, we got kinda physically intimate for the very first time. He touched my hair, my face, held my hand.

But I still let him do the leading. At one point he went, "why am I always the one contacting you?" I kept thinking, is this guy trying to show me he likes me? And so to show I liked him too, i did start to give him a ring from time to time or send him emails etc.

But once I started doing that, he got all distant on me. And believe me I wasn't doing it all the time at all, he was bummed I didn't so I wanted to show I did care...*scratching head*

 

His calls started to dwindle down, and I didn't see him as much anymore. And online when he messaged me he then would rush off before I even got a chance to reciprocate. "oops, a professor just emailed me. Gotta go, sorry bye." And off he goes. And would disappear for a few days offline.

Well I figured he was stressed or busy and left it at that.

 

Last week, he contacted me to help him write an essay, which I did. He then wanted me to proofread for him as well, but because I had a huge exam the next day I asked if I could do it the following day if that was ok. He got quiet and said "ok fine."

Well after my exam I gave him a call to tell him I was all set to proofread his paper and he goes sulkily "well since you were too busy to do it yesterday I just got someone else to do it for me and I already turned it in." I was like, "whoa..hey I was totally gonna do it. I just had an exam, come on.." And he goes "whatever." And no contact from him for the next few days.

 

ok so my gut was telling me things were not going good here, but I occupied myself for the next couple of days to just get my mind off this. Later that week, he contacted me again saying "sorry I was so busy to contact you. Just lots of exams coming up, I'll call you this weekend though. So, did you miss me a lot?" At this point in time, this question irritated me because I felt he was being very hot and cold, and maybe I made a mistake to bring this up, but I couldn't help it. I asked him where in heck this was all going...and he goes "what? Is it about me? what is it? tell me." So I honestly was going to tell him I was interested in him and have been for some time, but with his actions recently I didn't know how he felt. I started to say "It's about our friendship and how I feel...there's stuff I want to tell you and I want to be honest about it." There is this long silence, and he goes, "well I'll tell you this now. We're friends forever..but..um, well who knows where it'll lead right? Um, listen, i gotta study. Gotta go bye." And since then there's been no word since. Nothing.

 

I feel either I have been played, or maybe I scared him off beyond belief. Was it wrong of me to bring this up? But the way he responded to that makes me realize that if he does ever contact me again, which I don't think he will, I don't think I want to be with him anymore...sigh, either I am doing something wrong, or I am just unlucky this year and meeting not so great guys. I kind of think he was very inconsiderate to just go off like that without giving me an answer, not even a "I don't know." I don't think it's worth it at all. And I don't think he cares that much about me. He still has me on his MSN buddy list though, and I am thinking of just deleting his name and moving on.

What do you think?

[clia]

I am thinking of just deleting his name and moving on.

What do you think?

 

I'm thinking YES.

 

I don't think you necessarily did anything wrong here. Spilling your guts might've been bad, but...you were kind of needing to do it, so...

 

Look at it this way: He's been hot and cold. He now knows how you feel about him. The ball it totally in his park. It's up to him to do something about it. He sounds to me like he was really insecure about how you felt about him, hence the constant "Do you miss me", but then when it came down to the wire he freaked out. This is not your fault. You did everything right up until that point. You let HIM chase you, and he did. And then when he complained, you tried to help him out by reciprocating a bit, ... and then he got all freaky. He's weird, not you!

 

Who knows with men? I think your best bet now is to cut him off totally and see how he responds. If he really likes you and really wants to be with you, you will KNOW really quickly after you pull this move. (I'm not advocating game playing, by the way, but I just think that he has sort of blown you off, so your best solution is to do the same thing and to PULL BACK. Don't contact him at all, cut him off your buddy list, and since you can't control his, stay off your IM for awhile so he can't contact you that very easy way.)

[Sunflower]

Thanks clia. Oh I forgot to mention that it's been about 5 days now since he "ran away" after that chat, and no contact. It's been the longest of nothing before he started contacting me steadily so I think I can be pretty sure he's gone bye bye now.

 

Oh well, I guess it was a bit much to lay the cards on the table, but he was acting so inconsistent I just wanted to be sure you know? It wasn' t like I was asking him to commit to me or anything, just to know where we were...

 

I guess I am just a bit bummed after such things have happened one after the other, and I have to figure out if it is something I am doing...it's like maybe once they express interest and I start opening up too much? I just want to be myself you know? Or I am just meeting people who are not right for me and they unfortunately happen to appear one after the other...

 

Anyway I know this sounds really silly but I wish he could delete me from his list now. I go on to check my email and it's just a little painful to see his name still there. And I can't write him and be like, "look can you delete me from your list, thanks.." that would be ridiculous. But anyway I am rambling. That's my problem. But yes, I have blocked and erased his name and kinda laid off the IM for awhile and been contacting people using different means.

 

There's no need to wonder why he won't delete me though right ( just false hopes perhaps)? That's just a selfish thought i have. I don't even want to really be with him anymore yet I still wonder if he hasn't completely run away...I guess this is all for the best.

 

thanks again, and any other advice would be greatly appreciated!

[Sunflower]

I forgot one last thing...there's no way that he DIDN'T catch on to the fact I was interested? He knew what was coming when I said, "about our friendship.." right? I didn't really get the chance to fully express myself before he said what he did and went off.

ok that was the last thing. Just wanted to be sure~thanks.

[Leikela]

[color=indigo]

In my opinion, I would say that maybe you played it a little too cool in the beginning. He was dropping hints, asking about whether you missed him and then asking why he always had to make the contact. Those were huge red flags right there that he wanted more then you were giving him.

 

Being yourself means being open and honest from the beginning and acting on your impulses. If you feel like giving him a call, then call him! Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with playing "hard to get" at the beginning but after awhile that gets old. I think you played it out just a little too long.

 

Just learn from this experience and approach your next man differently. You're young so it is all about living and learning. There is definitely someone out there for you. Be patient and in the meantime have fun, relax, and be yourself!

 

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[Carly]

Originally posted by Sunflower

 

I started to say "It's about our friendship and how I feel...there's stuff I want to tell you and I want to be honest about it."

 

So in other words you DIDN'T tell him how you really feel about him, did you? Judging from what little you did blurt out, it sounds like you were about to give him the old "I just like you as friends" brush off. He, sensing what was coming, just beat you too the punch. Can't really fault him for that.

 

This guy seems to lack relationship maturity, but so do you. But hey, both of you are young, and so immaturity is not a life sentence for failed realtiohsips.

 

Personally, I get the feeling that you still like this guy, and you are trying to convince US as to why you shouldn't be liking him anymore. But you haven't convinced me.

 

Go back to MSN, tell him how you WERE GOING to finsih that ill-fated heart-to-heart conversation that you started. Tell him that you were going to say that actually you like him BEYOND friends. Then see what happens from there.

 

If he backs off from your admission, then let him go. But don't write him off until you have the courage to set the record straight on your feelings for him.

 

An old saying:

 

"A coward dies a thousand deaths. A hero dies but once."

 

Now come on, don't be scared. Tell him the truth. You can do it.

[clia]

I respectfully disagree with Leikela and Carly.

 

I don't think you did anything at all wrong, here.

 

You were spending time with him, hanging out with him, you helped him write an essay...if he doesn't know you like him, he's brain dead. It has nothing to do with you not calling him. You were not being cold. You were spending time with him and doing all these things. In the days of yore, the man did all the courting. There is nothing wrong with letting the man lead if those are the kinds of relationships you want. Yes, he may have been insecure about how you felt about him, but you can't do anything about that. If he's insecure, he's still going to be insecure if you call him 100 times a day. IMO, you were giving him quite a bit.

 

You started to tell him how you felt, and he ran off. If he was truly interested in hearing your feelings about things, he would have stuck around to hear it. My thought is that he didn't want to open that can of worms because he didn't feel the same thing back.

 

I could be wrong--you are the one in the situation, so you are privy to all the details, but I still stand by what I said about not contacting him. IMO, he seems to have lost interest, and if you start contacting him and calling him and spilling your guts, all you will do is boost his ego.

 

No biggie...there are many fish in the sea!

[Moi]

I have to agree with Leikela and Carly. It sounds like you've been playing games with this guy and when the tables got turned, you yelled foul!

[Sunflower]

Hey everyone. Thank you for all the helpful advice. But please believe me when I say I truly wasn't playing games. It just takes time for me to open up and I just don't want to scare a guy off when it's only been 3 months. I have made the mistake of doing this before and I was really extremely hurt. I have been responsive to all his advances, being warm to all his approaches, and I truly truly did care about him. And when he did contact me I made sure to really respond and get into our talks etc. And my emails were true to their word, and I did call him because I did want to show him I cared all the while being really scared to pick up the phone. And I've been initiating things more often these days because I did want to keep showing him I liked him.

 

Maybe you guys were right and I took too long to open up. But I really wasn't playing games...I just didn't want this guy to go running either. My last email to him before the attempted heart to heart was in response to him being very stressed and upset about his work, and I just wanted him to let him know I was there for him. I told him if he needed anything, he could call me anytime and that though I was disappointed we wouldn't be able to hang out much this summer I hoped we could spend more time together. And every word I meant...but maybe he did think I was playing and all of this was a little too late. Because he hardly spoke to me that week...and never responded to the email when he always used to. I even sent him a card.

 

Anyway I tried one last time to call him today but I wasn't able to reach him. And I haven't seen him once on msn since our talk. Though he still has me on his list he hasn't come online at all.

 

I guess what I meant is, if I didn't act quickly enough and he went away then I realize I have lost a maybe really nice guy and hurt him. And so if he starts contacting me again, I will try to set things straight this time. But if he is playing games and has just lost interest, then if he starts talking to me again, I don't want to be strung along like I was before...he's not someone I want to be with if that is the case.

 

But anyway, thanks again~ and you're right, there are lot of fish in the sea, and I'll look back on this as a good learning experience. Take care.

[Ladybug313]

Hey Sunflower. I am not the expert on dating either, but I think maybe you and the guy were sort of miscommunicating maybe due to lack of experience??

But if that wasn't the case, I agree with clia. From your (detailed, whew!) posts, if I were a guy I would certainly have caught on you were interested by now. And whether or not he was interested or not, I think it was rude that he just went away like that and left you hanging. Even as a "friend forever," I would not do that to a friend. As clia says, maybe he was just seriously insecure.

Anyway, to keep it short I think what's done is done and there's no point dwelling on it anymore. You'll do better next time I am sure. You seem kind of upset, but don't be discouraged. But I think the best thing for you to be to move on yet again.

[Carly]

Hi Daisy,

 

If you wil excuse us for a minute, we would like to continue to debate your situation in front of you (smile, smile, smile).

 

Anyway, Leikela and I are not saying at all that you were behaving in a way to indicate that you DON'T like him. And yes, you were showing some nice gestures of friendship by editing his term papers.

 

What we're saying is that you have't been indicated to him that you are interested in him romatically, and (even worse) you may have accidently given him the impression that you ONLY like him as a friend.

 

From the heart-to-heart that you started with him (but couldn't complete with an honest disclosure) you know how scary it is sometimes to put your emotional cards out on the table.

 

But please, whether with this guy or any others in the future, don't allow yourself to be driven by this fear.

[yes]

in my experience, spilling your guts does absolutely no good. let the guy spill his, and keep yours to yourself.

 

if the guy was interested, he would've asked about taking the "friendship" to the relationship level.

 

good luck, Sunflower!

 

I don't think you did anything wrong, either. Not letting you talk it out is rude, after all. If somebody says they want to be honest about smth, you listen, not say "gotta go study" (wth?!).

 

-yes

[Leikela]

[color=indigo]

Guys aren't always going to ask to take the "friendship" to another level if they are interested in you. That I have to disagree with. I have many guy friends and there are countless times where they like a girl but don't ask them out. When I question them why, they kinda shrug and say that they don't know how the girl feels about them. Apparently this guy is insecure and is afraid of rejection. Just because society gives the impression that the guy should do all the courting doesn't mean that guys aren't going to be afraid of rejection or insecure. Some can take the pressure and others can't. In fact, I am sure a lot of guys will tell you that they love it when the woman takes the initiative.

 

You didn't do anything wrong persay. Like I said before, chalk this up to a learning experience. Since you're young, don't sweat it.

 

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[Sunflower]

First off, thanks again to those who replied. Your advice was very helpful. I decided NOT to contact him since my last post. But here's an update.

 

Two days ago, (so about a full week, about 7 days, after he "ran") he called me up, wondering "hey why the heck did you delete me from your contact list? That bugged me so I wanted to call and see what was up. Is there something you want to say?"(exact words)

So bracing myself for any outcome, I let it all loose and finished that heart to heart. No beating around the bush, no pretty phrasing, just flat out said I liked him. And all the stuff that had been bothering me, how he just went off like that and so I thought I had scared him, or maybe he didn't feel the same etc, his hot and coldness etc..Just said everything. He said "I told you, I had exams during that time, I was really busy and stressed. And I did have a feeling you were starting to like me. I definitely thought of you more than a friend too."

 

But here's the catch. I neglected to mention ( and I guess it's darn important huh?) that starting in exactly a week, we are going to be on opposite sides of the world before he comes back home NEXT summer. That's a year later. And he feels we haven't spent enough time together to really know whether he wants to be with me or not. And we won't be able to for a full year. He told me it's one thing if a relationship is firmly established before going into a long distance thing ( even that can be iffy) but to "for me to ask you to wait to see how things go with us would seem way too risky and unfair to you." (his exact words) I mean, what if we realize we're not for each other you know? Then that whole year will have been wasted. So I told him "I'm sorry but I just don't have enough of a solid foundation to wait for a whole year just to see how things end up...I do like you, a lot, but since everything is so unsure between us, I am going to see other people here at home, and if I meet someone, I guess that's the way it was meant to be." He understood and he said this before we hung up. "Just please don't completely erase me from your life now. I want to hope the right time will come where we can continue to get to know eachother. I am just sorry circumstances are keeping us from doing so. Write me emails from time to time ok? I think I'll be able to check it often. Take care, I'll be in touch whenever I can...and my regards to your family." And that was it, and he's blocked me from MSN messenger too I have noticed. I don't know why he did that, but I guess he doesn't want to talk to me on chat anymore...anyway, it's been quiet now.

 

I still do have feelings for him, and deep down if he had asked me to be his gf, I would have said yes. But maybe he is right and three months just isn't enough for me to know either. And with the year away thing.

 

Is what he is saying something I can go by and so should I stay in touch with him as I date other people? I like him so I would like to. I don't know why but I feel sort of bad doing that though...is that ok? Or is he another one of those "keep me on the side" people? I would hate to think that, but it's often hard to view things without thinking about past experiences, where the latter has been the case...and I was hurt really, like REALLY bad...

Or is it just better to cut him loose and if we are meant to be then that "time" will come?

 

Thanks again and I think I'll move on to enjoying other people's threads now. Please give me some advice..

 

Cheers.

[yes]

that's a big factor you forgot to mention there!

 

if I were you, I'd keep in touch if he initiates it. if he emails you, email back; if not - don't contact him. becuase i think you have no way of knowing if he was just blabbing or rlly wants to keep in touch - and by letting him initiate it, you can probably tell which one it is.

 

that's my view,

-yes