White Flower Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Hi, I'm new here at LS and would like to gain more insight from MOM (Married Other Men?), MM, and OM as well as all those who seem to be regulars here such as BWs, BHs, and OW. I just came from another thread that I wanted to participate in, but it appears to have closed now. In it, a BW has come to a place where she feels there is hope after an affair. She was confident and convincing. A member who is a BH encouraged her a lot and while posting there, he brought up a very interesting question: Why is there a shortage of MM/OM postings and opinion here at LS? Why do I want to know? I am a MW who found myself involved with a MM a while back. I don't want to divulge too many details, except that I have experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows due to this R. I have experienced the greatest happiness at feeling loved and adored and the most pain because I cannot call him my own. No, it didn't "just happen"--we both fought it, yet needed each other and finally gave into it. For all those BHs and BWs, it was more difficult than you know to cross that line and I am not writing here to ask for a guilt trip. I have done that to myself already and so has he. But what I am asking is for MM/MOM to post their true feelings about their OW. Even the snide stuff. It might help us get over our MM/OM or it might give us insight into other issues. Perhaps you don't post here often because posting the truth about your feelings and intentions toward the OW would cause the OW insight on how you really think; because we would leave you if we knew what really goes on inside your head? Should I title this thread "Reformed OM who can tell the truth about their former OW"? I am crazy in love with my MM, and I think I finally realize it is not exactly the same for him even though he keeps reassuring me it is. I know for my own health and sanity it has to end and I need encouragement from people with great insight on this issue. ps Not all acronyms are on the FAQ page. Where can I get more info on acronyms? Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Hi there WF! There is a shortage of MOM, OM and MM because they are not as gutsy as OW/MOW! They could probably be in hiding after reading all the bashing or what these people would call 'tough love' on OW. If letting him go is what you really want to do, then by all means, do it. It is easier said than done but if you put your mind to it - it can happen. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 There is a shortage of MOM, OM and MM because they are not as gutsy as OW/MOW! They could probably be in hiding after reading all the bashing or what these people would call 'tough love' on OW. True - there was a MM called Matty who posted on the infidelity board, and after sustained and intense bashing he disappeared. It was a pity, as his posts were honest and gave real insight into the ambivalences he was facing, his struggles being torn between OW and W, his unwillingness to join W in her bashing of OW... There are a lot of very hurt people who are very bitter and act out their pain on unknow people from behind pseudonyms, forgetting that there are real people on the other side being hurt by their misdirected attacks. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 True - there was a MM called Matty who posted on the infidelity board, and after sustained and intense bashing he disappeared. It was a pity, as his posts were honest and gave real insight into the ambivalences he was facing, his struggles being torn between OW and W, his unwillingness to join W in her bashing of OW... There are a lot of very hurt people who are very bitter and act out their pain on unknow people from behind pseudonyms, forgetting that there are real people on the other side being hurt by their misdirected attacks. Sad, isn't it? I know one OM here who posted few months back and he PMed me after getting bashed from some posters here and he never posted again. He would have liked it very much to share more of his stories but didn't see the point because from his POV, his messages would not get across on top of all those bashing. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Why is there a shortage of MM/OM postings and opinion here at LS? I can say this - you don't see it too often. I've seen only a handful of threads like that in the years since I've been here. Not many people want to hear it from the MM/MW side - you'll find plenty of people who side with the OW, plenty of people who side with the BW but hardly anyone who wants to hear it from the 'fence-sitters'. BS doesn't want to hear how the WS can love the OW. OW doesn't want to hear how the WS can love the W/kids and want to stay married. I guess what it comes down to, is that the MM/MW type posts just piss more people off since the perception is that they hurt both the OW/OM and the BS by wanting both, and refusing to choose one over the other. I can honestly say I haven't seen many MM/MW who posted here and the thread didn't end up in a crash and burn. MM/MW gets it from one side: how can you do this to your W/H? And they get it from the other side: If you love your OW/OM why don't you leave your H/W and be with them? But what I am asking is for MM/MOM to post their true feelings about their OW. Sometimes those true feelings are hard to hear. What if a MM came on here and posted... "You know, I love my OW and I love being with her but when she starts talking about a future together my skin crawls and I feel bad because I don't want to divorce my wife. I still love my wife. Maybe not in the same way, but I do love her and I don't want to leave her." People generally only want to hear the part of the truth that works for them, not all sides of it that may not work in their favor - and with a married person who has OW/OM, there are more sides to the truth than people want to, or are willing to hear. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 People generally only want to hear the part of the truth that works for them, not all sides of it that may not work in their favor - and with a married person who has OW/OM, there are more sides to the truth than people want to, or are willing to hear. LB I struggle to agree with that (which is not to say you're wrong ) I found mattym's thread very enlightening, because it portrayed - IMO at least - the authentic torment that a MM goes through in that situation: being forced to push one of two women he loves (perhaps to different extents, or in different ways, whatever) under a bus. His oscillation back and forth, his susceptibility to suggestion, the weakness of his resolve - it all seemed very similar to me to what I've seen in many people in the same situation. I don't think there's anything to be gained from denying, or ignoring, aspects of the truth that are not in someone's favour - if you can't understand someone completely, all aspects of them and all their conflicts and contradictions, how can you claim to love them? How could you hope to take control of a problematic situation (those that find themselves in these - I'm not suggesting that that is everyone here) if you don't want to understand it in all its complexity? Link to post Share on other sites
Bobby NoBrains Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 I can say this - you don't see it too often. I've seen only a handful of threads like that in the years since I've been here. Not many people want to hear it from the MM/MW side - you'll find plenty of people who side with the OW, plenty of people who side with the BW but hardly anyone who wants to hear it from the 'fence-sitters'. BS doesn't want to hear how the WS can love the OW. OW doesn't want to hear how the WS can love the W/kids and want to stay married. I guess what it comes down to, is that the MM/MW type posts just piss more people off since the perception is that they hurt both the OW/OM and the BS by wanting both, and refusing to choose one over the other. I can honestly say I haven't seen many MM/MW who posted here and the thread didn't end up in a crash and burn. MM/MW gets it from one side: how can you do this to your W/H? And they get it from the other side: If you love your OW/OM why don't you leave your H/W and be with them? Sometimes those true feelings are hard to hear. What if a MM came on here and posted... "You know, I love my OW and I love being with her but when she starts talking about a future together my skin crawls and I feel bad because I don't want to divorce my wife. I still love my wife. Maybe not in the same way, but I do love her and I don't want to leave her." People generally only want to hear the part of the truth that works for them, not all sides of it that may not work in their favor - and with a married person who has OW/OM, there are more sides to the truth than people want to, or are willing to hear. Excellently put, LucreziaBorgia. Very good post. Just my two bits .. Bobby Link to post Share on other sites
Bobby NoBrains Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 LB I struggle to agree with that (which is not to say you're wrong ) I found mattym's thread very enlightening, because it portrayed - IMO at least - the authentic torment that a MM goes through in that situation: being forced to push one of two women he loves (perhaps to different extents, or in different ways, whatever) under a bus. His oscillation back and forth, his susceptibility to suggestion, the weakness of his resolve - it all seemed very similar to me to what I've seen in many people in the same situation. I don't think there's anything to be gained from denying, or ignoring, aspects of the truth that are not in someone's favour - if you can't understand someone completely, all aspects of them and all their conflicts and contradictions, how can you claim to love them? How could you hope to take control of a problematic situation (those that find themselves in these - I'm not suggesting that that is everyone here) if you don't want to understand it in all its complexity? OWoman, what you're saying is true also, but the point is you can never really get the full intensity or the full extent of what's going on. We're all limited to what we can read and what the posters are able to or willing to put down into words. Sometimes, it's just not enough information. And even after that, unless we can experience those emotions and feelings, we can never really be in the same position as the posters themselves are. That perhaps is the tragedy of the medium and nothing to do with the expertise or lack thereof of the posters or the advisors. Anyway ... Just my two bits .. Bobby Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 LOL actually from the time I have read this board everytime I see a mm post on the ow/om forum they have been immediately charged with being a bs posting. Everytime.They are immediately accused of being a false user name, another user and are dismissed. The ow's do not want to hear it. Funny how the ow's are accusing the bs's of chasing them away. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Good question! The silence itself speaks volumes!!! Link to post Share on other sites
lost4ever Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 LOL actually from the time I have read this board everytime I see a mm post on the ow/om forum they have been immediately charged with being a bs posting. Everytime.They are immediately accused of being a false user name, another user and are dismissed. The ow's do not want to hear it. Funny how the ow's are accusing the bs's of chasing them away. I am a MOW, and I know I wasn't chased away from the OW, that's why I post on this forum and not infidelity, because over there they couldn't get past the OW part, and I think it was the same with Matty, if he would have come to this forum he would have still got the crap, but there would have been at least some encouragement Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 LOL actually from the time I have read this board everytime I see a mm post on the ow/om forum they have been immediately charged with being a bs posting. Everytime.They are immediately accused of being a false user name, another user and are dismissed. The ow's do not want to hear it. Funny how the ow's are accusing the bs's of chasing them away. I must have missed it... then again, I haven't been here for long... Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 I am a MOW, and I know I wasn't chased away from the OW, that's why I post on this forum and not infidelity, because over there they couldn't get past the OW part, and I think it was the same with Matty, if he would have come to this forum he would have still got the crap, but there would have been at least some encouragement That's the word that gets me. Encourgement. Is support to really encourage people to cheat or is support to help people see what they can't. To see the truth. Reality as opposed to feeling just with the heart. Do you really think hidden relationships should be encouraged? Think of all the pain that would not occur if the mm/mw chose to be honest with both the spouse and the other person. Lost4ever are you still a MOW. I don't know your story. Are you with your husband or the MM? How long were you with both. I don't believe matty needed encouragement. I believe he needed to be honest. Yes he was struggling with his feelings for the ow but he needed to talk to his wife about it and seperate till he knew what he wanted. What kind of encouragement do you believe matty needed? Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 I must have missed it... then again, I haven't been here for long... If you've ever read one of the other popular other woman boards they will not even allow their own members in the ow/om section talk about their marriage if they are a mow or mom. They have to keep their ow hat on at all times and not speak of their spouse. It's like they don't want to face that yes people can be relatively content in their marriage and still want another. Notice I said relatively content not happy. Link to post Share on other sites
lost4ever Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 That's the word that gets me. Encourgement. Is support to really encourage people to cheat or is support to help people see what they can't. To see the truth. Reality as opposed to feeling just with the heart. Do you really think hidden relationships should be encouraged? Think of all the pain that would not occur if the mm/mw chose to be honest with both the spouse and the other person. I believe Matty should have been encouraged to make his won choice without everyone telling him YOU HAVE TO STAY WITH YOUR WIFE, YOU REALLY DON"T LOVE THE OTHER PERSON. Lost4ever are you still a MOW. I don't know your story. Are you with your husband or the MM? How long were you with both. I don't want to thread Jack, but yes, still married as of now (M for 6 years) A went on for 1.5 years until I ended it, and came clean with my H, and I told my H I still wanted to Divorce. (So no H and no MM) I don't believe matty needed encouragement. I believe he needed to be honest. Yes he was struggling with his feelings for the ow but he needed to talk to his wife about it and seperate till he knew what he wanted. What kind of encouragement do you believe matty needed? I believe Matty needed to be honest also, see your honesty may not be the same honesty as his, and he tried to express that, however, some decided that his confussion was WRONG, and that there was no other "truth" then to leave the OW and work on his M...I believe encouragement is laying out ALL sides to a situation for someone in a fog and letting them know what ever they choose will have consequences and rewards, but it is still there choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 True - there was a MM called Matty who posted on the infidelity board, and after sustained and intense bashing he disappeared. It was a pity, as his posts were honest and gave real insight into the ambivalences he was facing, his struggles being torn between OW and W, his unwillingness to join W in her bashing of OW... There are a lot of very hurt people who are very bitter and act out their pain on unknow people from behind pseudonyms, forgetting that there are real people on the other side being hurt by their misdirected attacks. It's actually very simple. OM/MM dont come to this site... because they dont need it. BH come here because they are in a lot of pain. OM/MM are not experiencing the same type of emotion. It can feel intoxicating to string along multiple women, and yes it has its painful moments, but there is little reason to seek support or advice. Ever notice how the ones that do come here, usually only show up post DDay? It's a pretty simple equation really. Oh, and Matty got dumped on because he refused to stop seeing the OW, and just lied to his wife about it. He clearly admitted even from his first post that his OW was kind of dumb and unstable. Thats not a generalization either... she was definitly not someone you could have a real relationship with. Anyway... You want to know how and why guys who do this think? You can feel free to ask me any day! Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 I believe Matty needed to be honest also, see your honesty may not be the same honesty as his, and he tried to express that, however, some decided that his confussion was WRONG, and that there was no other "truth" then to leave the OW and work on his M...I believe encouragement is laying out ALL sides to a situation for someone in a fog and letting them know what ever they choose will have consequences and rewards, but it is still there choice. I'm still reading through matty's thread but the beginning all he talks about is loving his wife and how happy they've been but he wanted excitement and now can't stop thinking of the other woman. He even said he would never have considered leaving his wife if not having met ow. It seems to me many were telling him to leave his wife. Back to read lol to find where it went wrong. The men seem to be the toughest on him not the women. lol Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 OM/MM are not experiencing the same type of emotion. I disagree with you on this one. Many OM have posted here, they're in as much pain as any OW. Men are men, and there are some who can post and open up, and some that can't. Matty aside, there have been afew other MM here and one left due to OW taking their anger out on him, like he was their own MM. Link to post Share on other sites
lost4ever Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 I'm still reading through matty's thread but the beginning all he talks about is loving his wife and how happy they've been but he wanted excitement and now can't stop thinking of the other woman. He even said he would never have considered leaving his wife if not having met ow. It seems to me many were telling him to leave his wife. Back to read lol to find where it went wrong. The men seem to be the toughest on him not the women. lol IMO and experience most A's start out with just wanting a little excitment and then turn into can't stop thinking of OW/OM...But your head still tells you I HAVE TO TRY AND MAKE MY M WORK, thats where the problem lies, MOM/MOW know that they want to keep their H/W because of the history, kids, and that's what you are suppose to do, but it hurts thinking you have to give up someone that you love (OP), it's fence sitting because your afraid to move, if you jump off one side there's a huge hole and you don't know where it leads, you jump off the other, there's an angry pitbull ready to tear your A$$ (and yes I know there should have never been a OP, I know it was wrong but that ship all ready left the harbor) Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 I disagree with you on this one. Many OM have posted here, they're in as much pain as any OW. Men are men, and there are some who can post and open up, and some that can't. Matty aside, there have been afew other MM here and one left due to OW taking their anger out on him, like he was their own MM. No its a different type of pain. There is a difference between the pain of rejection and the pain of oops I shouldnt have done that. If your speaking solely to the longing to be with someone else. It's experienced differently when you are already with someone else! No I disagree, I think there is difference. The lines may blurr on occaision, but trust me the difference is there! Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 lol still reading matty's thread but it is starting to go sour and not from the bs's. Something to do with a little tomcat entering it. Link to post Share on other sites
lost4ever Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 It's actually very simple. OM/MM dont come to this site... because they dont need it. BH come here because they are in a lot of pain. OM/MM are not experiencing the same type of emotion. It can feel intoxicating to string along multiple women, and yes it has its painful moments, but there is little reason to seek support or advice. Ever notice how the ones that do come here, usually only show up post DDay? It's a pretty simple equation really. Oh, and Matty got dumped on because he refused to stop seeing the OW, and just lied to his wife about it. He clearly admitted even from his first post that his OW was kind of dumb and unstable. Thats not a generalization either... she was definitly not someone you could have a real relationship with. I agree with you, I do not believe that MOM for the most part, have that much regret, they don't spend nights on end in anguish of what they should do, a couple of the greatest qualities men have is they can compartmentalize (is that a word?) and that they react to situations (after it happens) they do not think about the oh sooooo many different things that could happen....They don't know crap is hitting the fan until they are covered in it. Link to post Share on other sites
RamChops Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Ever notice how the ones that do come here, usually only show up post DDay? It's a pretty simple equation really. I'm usually a lurker on these forums, but as an OM I have found LS to be a form of counselling ... to know that I am not alone in the pain that I am feeling being apart from my MW - though admittedly thoughts and feelings in that vein are usually expressed by OW. I have not been in this much pain ever in my life, it is constant and it is at times unbearable, but every day I ball it up and try to bury it. That said, I walked into this relationship with eyes wide open ... ah well, le coeur a ses raisons ... And my lurking started before D-Day, which included documented death threats, but the A has continued unabated ... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 I misunderstood you when you said OM, thought you meant other man but you meant MARRIED other man. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 I'm usually a lurker on these forums, but as an OM I have found LS to be a form of counselling ... to know that I am not alone in the pain that I am feeling being apart from my MW - though admittedly thoughts and feelings in that vein are usually expressed by OW. I have not been in this much pain ever in my life, it is constant and it is at times unbearable, but every day I ball it up and try to bury it. That said, I walked into this relationship with eyes wide open ... ah well, le coeur a ses raisons ... And my lurking started before D-Day, which included documented death threats, but the A has continued unabated ... Ram, I hope things go well for you! Thank you for pointing out where I may be wrong. You are not married though are you? Link to post Share on other sites
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