greengoddess Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 I'm usually a lurker on these forums, but as an OM I have found LS to be a form of counselling ... to know that I am not alone in the pain that I am feeling being apart from my MW - though admittedly thoughts and feelings in that vein are usually expressed by OW. I have not been in this much pain ever in my life, it is constant and it is at times unbearable, but every day I ball it up and try to bury it. That said, I walked into this relationship with eyes wide open ... ah well, le coeur a ses raisons ... And my lurking started before D-Day, which included documented death threats, but the A has continued unabated ... You are getting death threats from her husband and still continuing in the affair? What about your mw's safety? If he's threatening you what happens to her when he finds out she is still seeing you? Why doesn't she get out of the marriage? Sorry this situation scares me for both you and your mw. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 I agree with you, I do not believe that MOM for the most part, have that much regret, they don't spend nights on end in anguish of what they should do, a couple of the greatest qualities men have is they can compartmentalize (is that a word?) and that they react to situations (after it happens) they do not think about the oh sooooo many different things that could happen....They don't know crap is hitting the fan until they are covered in it. Yeah, its a very different feeling. Its painful, but only in so far as you feel like your doing wrong and you want desperately to be truthful and can't. That deep down soul wrenching rejected feeling, or the longing to end the lonliness... those eat your self esteem, and provide nothing to replace it. Plus there is a control aspect for men that we rarely acknowledge. Link to post Share on other sites
lost4ever Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Plus there is a control aspect for men that we rarely acknowledge. Please go on, what is the control aspect of things, from a man's point of view? Link to post Share on other sites
RamChops Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Ram, I hope things go well for you! Thank you for pointing out where I may be wrong. You are not married though are you? Thanks Cobra, though I am not exactly hanging on to any hope that she will leave her H ... but no matter how many times we try to let go it just doesn't last very long. Re: being married, on reflection I did think my post was somewhat redundant seeing as you were referring to MOM, but then again, I started seeing MW while I was in a very long term relationship (10 years+) ... which I ended because I couldn't bear the thought of hurting my ex-GF, and being in two relationships didn't appeal to me - even though the long term relationship with a monogamous partner would have been the healthier option, it just wasn't fair to her, and the flame had gone out. I lost a lot in letting my ex go, my life savings (I'd bought a place with her), a strong friendship and parts of my sanity ... Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Plus there is a control aspect for men that we rarely acknowledge. Please go on, what is the control aspect of things, from a man's point of view? Uh, I suppose we dont talk about it because we dont like the implications. I'm sure you already know. Link to post Share on other sites
RamChops Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 You are getting death threats from her husband and still continuing in the affair? What about your mw's safety? If he's threatening you what happens to her when he finds out she is still seeing you? Why doesn't she get out of the marriage? Sorry this situation scares me for both you and your mw. He has only threatened me, and I seriously doubt he'd hurt her in any way ... well, not until he'd dispensed with me at least. I have discussed my options with the police, but he has been quiet for a while now, and I did tell her that we should stop seeing each other outright because of his mentality, but that lasted about 3 days. As for getting out of the M, I think she does make too many excuses for him generally, and too many excuses for why D isn't an option (family, culture, religion, blah blah). No kids, thankfully, but then I wouldn't have considered her advances if she'd had any ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author White Flower Posted October 23, 2007 Author Share Posted October 23, 2007 I can say this - you don't see it too often. I've seen only a handful of threads like that in the years since I've been here. Not many people want to hear it from the MM/MW side - you'll find plenty of people who side with the OW, plenty of people who side with the BW but hardly anyone who wants to hear it from the 'fence-sitters'. BS doesn't want to hear how the WS can love the OW. OW doesn't want to hear how the WS can love the W/kids and want to stay married. I guess what it comes down to, is that the MM/MW type posts just piss more people off since the perception is that they hurt both the OW/OM and the BS by wanting both, and refusing to choose one over the other. I can honestly say I haven't seen many MM/MW who posted here and the thread didn't end up in a crash and burn. MM/MW gets it from one side: how can you do this to your W/H? And they get it from the other side: If you love your OW/OM why don't you leave your H/W and be with them? Sometimes those true feelings are hard to hear. What if a MM came on here and posted... "You know, I love my OW and I love being with her but when she starts talking about a future together my skin crawls and I feel bad because I don't want to divorce my wife. I still love my wife. Maybe not in the same way, but I do love her and I don't want to leave her." People generally only want to hear the part of the truth that works for them, not all sides of it that may not work in their favor - and with a married person who has OW/OM, there are more sides to the truth than people want to, or are willing to hear. Very informing, thanks LB. But I disagree with your last statement; I think people come to a forum like this in order to hear all sides of the truth. That is why I am willing to hear the honest viewpoints (particularly from those who can see in shades of gray) MM and MOM. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 IMO and experience most A's start out with just wanting a little excitment Is that all it is? Just wanting a little excitement? You say that as if its no big deal and justifies it. I mean if its "just wanting a little excitment", then its all good right? Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Thanks Cobra, though I am not exactly hanging on to any hope that she will leave her H ... but no matter how many times we try to let go it just doesn't last very long. Re: being married, on reflection I did think my post was somewhat redundant seeing as you were referring to MOM, but then again, I started seeing MW while I was in a very long term relationship (10 years+) ... which I ended because I couldn't bear the thought of hurting my ex-GF, and being in two relationships didn't appeal to me - even though the long term relationship with a monogamous partner would have been the healthier option, it just wasn't fair to her, and the flame had gone out. I lost a lot in letting my ex go, my life savings (I'd bought a place with her), a strong friendship and parts of my sanity ... Making a choice like that took a lot of.... ummm... Chops actually. I suppose that makes you aptly named! Most sit on the fence not because of what they will give up, but more because they are afraid of what they may not get... if that makes any sense. Your path takes courage. Too bad your MW doesnt share that trait at the moment. Never think that she hasnt left because your not enough! Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 He has only threatened me, and I seriously doubt he'd hurt her in any way ... well, not until he'd dispensed with me at least. I have discussed my options with the police, but he has been quiet for a while now, and I did tell her that we should stop seeing each other outright because of his mentality, but that lasted about 3 days. As for getting out of the M, I think she does make too many excuses for him generally, and too many excuses for why D isn't an option (family, culture, religion, blah blah). No kids, thankfully, but then I wouldn't have considered her advances if she'd had any ... Silly question but when you have discussed your actions with the police did you tell them you were going to continue to sneak around behind this man's back with his wife? Also do you blame this man for threatening you? No i do not believe violence is the answer but think how he must have felt. How long have they been married? Link to post Share on other sites
lost4ever Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Is that all it is? Just wanting a little excitement? You say that as if its no big deal and justifies it. I mean if its "just wanting a little excitment", then its all good right? I don't know why I am responding to this; all your trying to do is start a fight, and you know the line at the bottom of that statement said something to the fact that it does not make it right, but the ship all ready left the harbor. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 He has only threatened meA word of advice from personal experience. Take that threat very seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 I don't think there's anything to be gained from denying, or ignoring, aspects of the truth that are not in someone's favour - if you can't understand someone completely, all aspects of them and all their conflicts and contradictions, how can you claim to love them? By accepting them for who and what they are. We can never understand another person completely. Most of us don't understand ourselves completely. If love was based on understanding instead of acceptance, no one would be able to claim that they have ever really had it. There is so much that we don't understand and will never understand about ourselves and others. But we can accept it and love others and ourselves anyway. But that's JMHO. On the lack of MM/MOM posting here. I figure if they can't face their own Ws or OWs, why would be expect them to be able to post here without running into "the cave". Men don't like to be questioned about their choices, I have found. Men are not very introspective in that way. No offense, guys. I do love men, but have come to accept that about them. There is no forcing or even convincing a man to consider a course that he hasn't. I don't think that mattym left because he was being bashed. I think he left because he really didn't want to make a decision either way and was getting tired of being called on it - by folks on all sides of situations like his. The OW wanted him to choose the OW since he couldn't stop thinking about his OW. The BSs and former MM/MW wanted him to be honest with himself and his W. No one told him to do the right thing by staying married. They wanted him to do the right thing and be honest with his W, giving her the chance to make her choice based on reality not his lies. Again, JMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
lost4ever Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 By accepting them for who and what they are. We can never understand another person completely. Most of us don't understand ourselves completely. If love was based on understanding instead of acceptance' date='[/b'] no one would be able to claim that they have ever really had it. There is so much that we don't understand and will never understand about ourselves and others. But we can accept it and love others and ourselves anyway. But that's JMHO. This is a very good point, I am really enjoying this conversation....very insightful (form all points of view) Link to post Share on other sites
Author White Flower Posted October 23, 2007 Author Share Posted October 23, 2007 I'm usually a lurker on these forums, but as an OM I have found LS to be a form of counselling ... to know that I am not alone in the pain that I am feeling being apart from my MW - though admittedly thoughts and feelings in that vein are usually expressed by OW. I have not been in this much pain ever in my life, it is constant and it is at times unbearable, but every day I ball it up and try to bury it. That said, I walked into this relationship with eyes wide open ... ah well, le coeur a ses raisons ... And my lurking started before D-Day, which included documented death threats, but the A has continued unabated ... Thanks for joining this thread, RC; I am glad my question brought you out of lurking:) Le coeur a ses raisons parce que vous êtes en amour. In other words, you are in love with OW. You did "the right thing" and left your long term R for her yet now suffer. Wow. Sounds rare indeed. Good luck, RC. I wish more MM and OM like you would share their thoughts. MM so often are seen as "having their cake...", but I'm sure many actually suffer over it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Thanks for joining this thread, RC; I am glad my question brought you out of lurking:) Le coeur a ses raisons parce que vous êtes en amour. In other words, you are in love with OW. You did "the right thing" and left your long term R for her yet now suffer. Wow. Sounds rare indeed. Good luck, RC. I wish more MM and OM like you would share their thoughts. MM so often are seen as "having their cake...", but I'm sure many actually suffer over it. In some ways, I wish more MM and OM would share their thoughts. Not that I have anything to ask or worry about. It's just to hear a different side of the story. It could be refreshing.... than reading the same thing... over and over again.... Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 In some ways, I wish more MM and OM would share their thoughts. Not that I have anything to ask or worry about. It's just to hear a different side of the story. It could be refreshing.... than reading the same thing... over and over again.... I agree. No offense to the newer members, but it is like reading the same stories over and over again. It would be interesting to have a man that wouldn't run at the first unfortunately unavoidable dig at him and stay and give their POV. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 I agree. No offense to the newer members' date=' but it is like reading the same stories over and over again. It would be interesting to have a man that wouldn't run at the first unfortunately unavoidable dig at him and stay and give their POV.[/quote'] Honestly... what is it that your hoping to hear? Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Honestly... what is it that your hoping to hear? Not sure that I understand your question. Are you asking what I want to hear from the MM or from the newest OWs/BSs? Link to post Share on other sites
RamChops Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Silly question but when you have discussed your actions with the police did you tell them you were going to continue to sneak around behind this man's back with his wife? Also do you blame this man for threatening you? No i do not believe violence is the answer but think how he must have felt. How long have they been married? Ah, didn't really file anything with the police or go into detail with them, but they did suggest that there were orders that could be taken out, etc. Just bits of paper though, if he's really all that upset I doubt that would stop him. Do I blame him for threatening me? ... I don't blame him for being upset, nor for putting forward in strong terms the pain that he's going through and telling me to stay away but I do think that there is a line that should be drawn when it comes to communicating with others, no matter what the circumstances. Someone is in love with his W (and presumably she with me) and he thinks that death by his hand is a suitable punishment? ... Should also point out that he claims to be a Christian, regular church goer, etc. ... didn't expect him to turn the other cheek, but God and his Commandments go out the window the moment earthly troubles (and temptations, in the case of MW) get in the way. And to the previous poster, yes I take his threat 100% seriously. They have been married only a few years. She has been seeing me for over a year now. Even though he thinks the world of his W, and described me as a home-wrecking Casanova, I turned her down several times before the A started ... though I ultimately didn't have the strength of character to leave her completely alone, which I did feel a little dismayed about. I can, through the great fog that I'm in, comprehend how he's feeling, see him as innocent, though I was worried about him (as her H, not as a head case) before the A started she seemed to be able to live a double life when I couldn't, which made it all easier to accept in the beginning ... as described in another post, this A has turned my life upside down. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Not sure that I understand your question. Are you asking what I want to hear from the MM or from the newest OWs/BSs? Sorry, To clarify, what are you hoping to hear from a MM? Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Sorry, To clarify, what are you hoping to hear from a MM? Just about their situation from their point of view. I am not afraid to acknowledge or accept that his reality may be different from mine. I have had brutally honest convos with my own H about what he was thinking and feeling, so I can handle it coming from a complete (or assumed) stranger. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Has she told him she is in love with you or has she denied everything to him? I just can't imagine staying with someone who says they love someone else especially with no children involved. Does he know the full extent of your affair? Thanks for answering these. I'm finding it very interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
RamChops Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Thanks for joining this thread, RC; I am glad my question brought you out of lurking:) Le coeur a ses raisons parce que vous êtes en amour. In other words, you are in love with OW. You did "the right thing" and left your long term R for her yet now suffer. Wow. Sounds rare indeed. Good luck, RC. I wish more MM and OM like you would share their thoughts. MM so often are seen as "having their cake...", but I'm sure many actually suffer over it. My pleasure, White Flower, and I thought it was about time I participated a little. Bien sur, je suis dans l'amour She inspires me constantly, though I often wish she could give me more ... Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 They have been married only a few years. She has been seeing me for over a year now. Even though he thinks the world of his W, and described me as a home-wrecking Casanova, I turned her down several times before the A started ... If you don't mind my asking you this, Ram, how are things now between you and MW? Link to post Share on other sites
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