RamChops Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Has she told him she is in love with you or has she denied everything to him? I just can't imagine staying with someone who says they love someone else especially with no children involved. Does he know the full extent of your affair? Thanks for answering these. I'm finding it very interesting. I'm not sure precisely what she told him ... though the messages he found that opened the can of worms probably betrayed a lot of what had been going on. I know she didn't open up and tell him everything, that would probably be too painful for him, and maybe he would just hurt himself instead of me out of shame. OTOH, I do know that she admitted that she had feelings for me, but he expects that she's killed them off, and he whisked her off on holiday for a week not long after D-Day ... even then she was messaging me daily ... of course I no longer respond, which feels like being bound and gagged. One thing he was most upset about was that she signed off her messages to me with love. Since then she has been virtually required to do the same in every communication with him to placate him ... nonetheless I accept that she does love him, but when we've talked about her NOT leaving him, she gives me every other reason under the sun other than that she actually likes and loves the guy, and I feel a bit sad for him ... and for me, because that means that all these other considerations come before her acting on the way she feels about me too ... Link to post Share on other sites
RamChops Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 If you don't mind my asking you this, Ram, how are things now between you and MW? Don't mind at all I presume you mean since H found out ... The main difference is that communication is greatly reduced between us, I don't respond to messages, I can't call nor see her on weekends. That said, we still make the most of every opportunity to see each other during the week. We are still very excited by each other, we have an affectionate, caring, passionate, thoughtful relationship when we are together. Irrespective of whether H knows, it's getting a lot harder to continue in the R/A as time goes by. A lesson I learned from my previous long term R was to strike when the iron's hot (or at least quite warm) when it comes to marrying - and we're probably approaching that ripe time. MW and I share a connection that I haven't felt before with other women (should state that there's no thrill in the fact that she's married, it's been a sorrowful burden rather than something that spices the R/A up), and could be so good for each other, and when I think that I will likely never have the chance to ask her to commit to me it's just depressing. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Just about their situation from their point of view. I am not afraid to acknowledge or accept that his reality may be different from mine. I have had brutally honest convos with my own H about what he was thinking and feeling' date=' so I can handle it coming from a complete (or assumed) stranger.[/quote'] I'm very familiar with the emotions involved from the guys perspective. If you are really curious about something, I should be able to answer your question. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 I'm very familiar with the emotions involved from the guys perspective. If you are really curious about something, I should be able to answer your question. I don't have questions, though. I would just like to hear their story. Its rare to get a guy here to start a thread about his A, his OW, his feelings, etc.. Thanks the offer though. If I were to ask questions, it would be for the poster to think about more than to answer any curiosity I might have. If that makes any sense. Link to post Share on other sites
TogetherForever Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 When I told mine that I joined LS, he rolled his eyes & said "That's just stupid". I took that as a hint not to ask him to post here. Link to post Share on other sites
lost4ever Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Yup both my H and MM said the same thing, You are smart enough to make your own choices, you don't need a bunch of stranges feeding your head with crap Link to post Share on other sites
their_here Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 I would hate being filled with crap. There should be a BIG red flag here. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 I don't have questions, though. I would just like to hear their story. Its rare to get a guy here to start a thread about his A, his OW, his feelings, etc.. Thanks the offer though. If I were to ask questions, it would be for the poster to think about more than to answer any curiosity I might have. If that makes any sense. LOL... Most questions are actually statements anyway. It's funny, I have not really posted much of my own stuff here, but when I do... I dont really go into my feelings much. Trust and intimacy issues I think. Link to post Share on other sites
TogetherForever Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Yup both my H and MM said the same thing, You are smart enough to make your own choices, you don't need a bunch of stranges feeding your head with crap And, mine made the same remark when I asked him why he & his wife never went to marriage counseling. He said he doesn't believe in therapy & telling strangers your problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Don't mind at all I presume you mean since H found out ... The main difference is that communication is greatly reduced between us, I don't respond to messages, I can't call nor see her on weekends. That said, we still make the most of every opportunity to see each other during the week. We are still very excited by each other, we have an affectionate, caring, passionate, thoughtful relationship when we are together. Irrespective of whether H knows, it's getting a lot harder to continue in the R/A as time goes by. A lesson I learned from my previous long term R was to strike when the iron's hot (or at least quite warm) when it comes to marrying - and we're probably approaching that ripe time. MW and I share a connection that I haven't felt before with other women (should state that there's no thrill in the fact that she's married, it's been a sorrowful burden rather than something that spices the R/A up), and could be so good for each other, and when I think that I will likely never have the chance to ask her to commit to me it's just depressing. I can relate to what you said - some of it anyway. I believe that no one can understand what you're going through or me unless they are in it themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Treatment Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 I posted both here and on the infidelity thread. I was hammered here and then followed to the infidelity thread and hammered there. I received some very good and thoughtful advice from many posters but I received that advice on the infidelity forum not here. I believe that was because I had no interest in the OW and was trying to extricate myself. From my perspective the only POV that is acceptable here is the POV that the OW is wonderful and the MM wants her and loves her. The truth is not acceptable if it doesn't fit that mold. Mine did not. BTW for anyone who still has any interest. My wife and I are doing well. The other woman has made only one more excursion into our lives. We called both the police and our lawyer. A letter was sent from the lawyer and the police may have also contacted her again. My wife decided to drop the charges against her as both of us wanted to concentrate on us instead of the other woman and she felt that the suit would postpone that. Since it was an assault case I was surprised that the police allowed her to do that but was glad that she was able to. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 BTW for anyone who still has any interest. My wife and I are doing well. The other woman has made only one more excursion into our lives. We called both the police and our lawyer. A letter was sent from the lawyer and the police may have also contacted her again. My wife decided to drop the charges against her as both of us wanted to concentrate on us instead of the other woman and she felt that the suit would postpone that. Since it was an assault case I was surprised that the police allowed her to do that but was glad that she was able to. Treatment, good to know that your W and you are doing well. That's the right thing to do, concentrate on making your M work instead of focusing both your energy on OW. I wish you all the best, Treatment! Link to post Share on other sites
lost4ever Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 I posted both here and on the infidelity thread. I was hammered here and then followed to the infidelity thread and hammered there. I received some very good and thoughtful advice from many posters but I received that advice on the infidelity forum not here. I believe that was because I had no interest in the OW and was trying to extricate myself. From my perspective the only POV that is acceptable here is the POV that the OW is wonderful and the MM wants her and loves her. The truth is not acceptable if it doesn't fit that mold. Mine did not. BTW for anyone who still has any interest. My wife and I are doing well. The other woman has made only one more excursion into our lives. We called both the police and our lawyer. A letter was sent from the lawyer and the police may have also contacted her again. My wife decided to drop the charges against her as both of us wanted to concentrate on us instead of the other woman and she felt that the suit would postpone that. Since it was an assault case I was surprised that the police allowed her to do that but was glad that she was able to. That is good to hear. Did you post anything about the situations/feelings you felt after D-day? ( I don't know your story, but would like to look it up if you did post on that topic) Link to post Share on other sites
Author White Flower Posted October 23, 2007 Author Share Posted October 23, 2007 It's actually very simple. OM/MM dont come to this site... because they dont need it. BH come here because they are in a lot of pain. OM/MM are not experiencing the same type of emotion. It can feel intoxicating to string along multiple women, and yes it has its painful moments, but there is little reason to seek support or advice. So, life is good, maybe even better for the MM? Ever notice how the ones that do come here, usually only show up post DDay? It's a pretty simple equation really. Anyway... You want to know how and why guys who do this think? You can feel free to ask me any day! Thanks for your input. Were you a MM with an OW once? I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. In fact, all of you have been very insightful and actually well behaved! This LS could be addicting for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author White Flower Posted October 23, 2007 Author Share Posted October 23, 2007 A word of advice from personal experience. Take that threat very seriously. Hi Reboot! I am glad to see you here. I have read your posts for a while now and find them heartfelt and intriguing. It is so difficult to believe--with all your insight and understanding--that your W could have looked to another in the past. She seems very lucky and I'm glad you can work things out. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Thanks for your input. Were you a MM with an OW once? I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. In fact, all of you have been very insightful and actually well behaved! This LS could be addicting for me. Hmmm... I'm a long complicated story. Let's just say I have experience with that type of situation. Imagine it like this. The MM has an emotional painkiller by bouncing between the two women. Technically MW have the same, however more often then not they just wind up feeling confused... and like they are bieng torn in two at times. The caveat is that each situation is different. Link to post Share on other sites
milx Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Where? They are nowhere to be found!!! Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Hi Reboot! I am glad to see you here. I have read your posts for a while now and find them heartfelt and intriguing. It is so difficult to believe--with all your insight and understanding--that your W could have looked to another in the past. She seems very lucky and I'm glad you can work things out.Hi. I appreciate the kind words. I think though, that most any insight and understanding I may have now came way too late. And while my wife and I are still together, we really haven't worked much of it out. But since you started this thread based on some comments I made a while back in another thread, I guess I'll give my opinion concerning the topic. To anyone that reads this post, this is simply my OPINION and it's based on a tiny bit of research and tiny bit of observation and possibly a whole lot of conjecture. And I'm speaking in GENERALITIES, so if you see yourself here, it's certainly not because I'm speaking to you personally. This does not apply to all men, just some men, but, I think, particularly single OM. I think most of these guys, MM/MOM/OM, don't post at a place like this (or go to a therapist, or cry to a friend, etc) because they simply don't get hurt during the affair. They're not emotionally attached (even though they may convince the woman they are), they're getting their jollies, and they don't think anything about it other than that. No pain, no loss, what's to open up to someone else about? I think we all know that most of us are here because we're hurting. They're not here because they aren't. I've talked to a number of OM, a few in real life, a few more over the internet. I've heard a very similar story from them. Some of these guys actually target married women. They give two main reasons. 1) A MW is much less likely to demand a commitment, and even if she does, what's she going to do about it when they refuse? A MW is not likely to bring them a lot of conflict. 2) A MW is often much easier to seduce than a single girl. Just catch them at a low point. All marriages have them. Husband is working two jobs, tired, irritable, not paying them much attention, the kids are demanding, the house is a mess (Husbands out there, are you paying CLOSE attention to this?). In walks Mr I don't have an ounce of stress in my life and damn aren't you the sexist woman that ever lived and boy if I was your husband I'd treat you right, blah, blah, blah. I mean, these guys are telling me THIS IS WHAT THEY LOOK FOR in a woman. Free tail, no strings, no drawbacks. Well, until Mr BH puts a 9mm in your face at least. Anyway, I'm not at all saying this describes all MM/OM/MOM, nor am I using it as an excuse for the cheating wife. There's no real excuse. I'm just saying, I think we don't hear from these people cause they're doing what they want to do, and they're having fun doing it. What possible reason would they have to seek help? Plus they're far too busy banging someone else's woman (or some woman other than their own as the case may be) to have time for the internet. Sorry for the long post. I think this may equal the entire number of words from all my other posts combined. Link to post Share on other sites
lost4ever Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 reboot, Good post, I buy it! at least in my experience! Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 2) A MW is often much easier to seduce than a single girl. Just catch them at a low point. All marriages have them. Husband is working two jobs, tired, irritable, not paying them much attention, the kids are demanding, the house is a mess (Husbands out there, are you paying CLOSE attention to this?). In walks Mr I don't have an ounce of stress in my life and damn aren't you the sexist woman that ever lived and boy if I was your husband I'd treat you right, blah, blah, blah. Free tail, no strings, no drawbacks. Well, until Mr BH puts a 9mm in your face at least. Plus they're far too busy banging someone else's woman (or some woman other than their own as the case may be) to have time for the internet. Yes Reboot, The part I underlined is the scariest part of the whole situation. The first time you have a married girl tell you she is head over heals for you... and all you did was flirt a little. Jeeze! It's the reason I dont believe in opposite sex friends once your in a committed relationship. It's so easy to set yourself up to be the OM... . But, there are two things I would like to add. There is a perception that MW are safer because they will keep thier mouths shut when you walk away. Also, never discount the desire to outcompete another man! Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Yes Reboot, The part I underlined is the scariest part of the whole situation. The first time you have a married girl tell you she is head over heals for you... and all you did was flirt a little. Jeeze! It's the reason I dont believe in opposite sex friends once your in a committed relationship. It's so easy to set yourself up to be the OM... . But, there are two things I would like to add. There is a perception that MW are safer because they will keep thier mouths shut when you walk away. Also, never discount the desire to outcompete another man! Boy oh boy have I ever been the recipient of the "baby, I wanna do all of the things your man won't do" predators. Unfortunately for them, even though I was vulnerable, most of them couldn't hold a candle to my H. LOL. But I agree with you Cobra. It really is a myth that a MW is safer. How many MW are so lonely in their Ms that when the A is over, they go over the deep end? Or worst yet, a story a few months ago about a BW being executed by her H exMW because she she didn't want the BW to ruin her fantasy of a happy family (she had a baby by the MM AND was still with her H). No one is really safer, but that's what the waywards like to think, isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
lost4ever Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Yes Reboot, The part I underlined is the scariest part of the whole situation. The first time you have a married girl tell you she is head over heals for you... and all you did was flirt a little. Jeeze! It's the reason I dont believe in opposite sex friends once your in a committed relationship. It's so easy to set yourself up to be the OM... . But, there are two things I would like to add. There is a perception that MW are safer because they will keep thier mouths shut when you walk away. Also, never discount the desire to outcompete another man! and lets not forget to add that a cheating jerk that just wants to "have fun" can trade way up if he latches onto a MW, I mean when you are married you think this guy (OM) is an idiot...for that thinking you get 1. your safe: no way I could fall for that guy 2. Your husband will not mind because he is thinking the same thing. All the while the idiot's thinking, oh just wait till the first big fight, you can cry on my shoulder then who is the idiot??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author White Flower Posted October 23, 2007 Author Share Posted October 23, 2007 Sorry for the long post. I think this may equal the entire number of words from all my other posts combined. I really appreciate each and every word. I needed to hear it--all of it. Thank you so much for sharing all your research with us here today. Link to post Share on other sites
Author White Flower Posted October 23, 2007 Author Share Posted October 23, 2007 You have all been very honest and helpful. I appreciate your candidness. I hope someday soon to convey that I am free from my limbo-state with a story of happiness and love even if I end up entirely alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author White Flower Posted October 24, 2007 Author Share Posted October 24, 2007 Hmmm... I'm a long complicated story. Let's just say I have experience with that type of situation. Imagine it like this. The MM has an emotional painkiller by bouncing between the two women. Technically MW have the same, however more often then not they just wind up feeling confused... and like they are bieng torn in two at times. The caveat is that each situation is different. Yes, it seems the MM gets more energized from the A and the MW decreases in energy. Link to post Share on other sites
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