OpenBook Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 You have all been very honest and helpful. I appreciate your candidness. I hope someday soon to convey that I am free from my limbo-state with a story of happiness and love even if I end up entirely alone. Ain't nothing wrong with being alone. Heck just reading thru some of these threads makes me REALLY REALLY GLAD I'm sitting here all by myself... just tappin' on them keys here on LoveShack!! :D Link to post Share on other sites
Author White Flower Posted October 24, 2007 Author Share Posted October 24, 2007 Ain't nothing wrong with being alone. Heck just reading thru some of these threads makes me REALLY REALLY GLAD I'm sitting here all by myself... just tappin' on them keys here on LoveShack!! :D I think I could actually enjoy being a lone for a while;) Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 I don't know why I am responding to this; all your trying to do is start a fight No, you said, with the attitude like if someone just wants a little excitement, then you must think you can't blame them for cheating. Maybe you should have worded it better. Link to post Share on other sites
lost4ever Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 No, you said, with the attitude like if someone just wants a little excitement, then you must think you can't blame them for cheating. Maybe you should have worded it better Nothing was stated (let alone voiced) with attitude, it's your perception that inserted anything to the contrary...Maybe you should read the wording without twisting sentences to fit your state of affairs..... Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 No, you said, with the attitude like if someone just wants a little excitement, then you must think you can't blame them for cheating. Maybe you should have worded it better Nothing was stated (let alone voiced) with attitude, it's your perception that inserted anything to the contrary...Maybe you should read the wording without twisting sentences to fit your state of affairs..... You said, "just wants a little excitement" as if poor them that they had to go out and cheat. Its the using of the word "just" in front of it. Omitting that word would have changed it completely. Since you put the word "just" in there...obviously you sympathize with someone that cheats for that reason. Link to post Share on other sites
lost4ever Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 IMO and experience most A's start out with just wanting a little excitment and then turn into can't stop thinking of OW/OM...But your head still tells you I HAVE TO TRY AND MAKE MY M WORK, thats where the problem lies, MOM/MOW know that they want to keep their H/W because of the history, kids, and that's what you are suppose to do, but it hurts thinking you have to give up someone that you love (OP), it's fence sitting because your afraid to move, if you jump off one side there's a huge hole and you don't know where it leads, you jump off the other, there's an angry pitbull ready to tear your A$$ (and yes I know there should have never been a OP, I know it was wrong but that ship all ready left the harbor) Here is my full post Bish, and you can see when not taken out of context it says no such thing- I'm done now Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 IMO and experience most A's start out with just wanting a little excitment and then turn into can't stop thinking of OW/OM...But your head still tells you I HAVE TO TRY AND MAKE MY M WORK, thats where the problem lies, MOM/MOW know that they want to keep their H/W because of the history, kids, and that's what you are suppose to do, but it hurts thinking you have to give up someone that you love (OP), it's fence sitting because your afraid to move, if you jump off one side there's a huge hole and you don't know where it leads, you jump off the other, there's an angry pitbull ready to tear your A$$ (and yes I know there should have never been a OP, I know it was wrong but that ship all ready left the harbor) Here is my full post Bish, and you can see when not taken out of context it says no such thing- I'm done now It still doesn't change the fact that you think its JUST a matter of people JUST wanting a little excitement as if you can sympathize. NOW you are done. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 IMO and experience most A's start out with just wanting a little excitment and then turn into can't stop thinking of OW/OM...But your head still tells you I HAVE TO TRY AND MAKE MY M WORK, thats where the problem lies, MOM/MOW know that they want to keep their H/W because of the history, kids, and that's what you are suppose to do, but it hurts thinking you have to give up someone that you love (OP), it's fence sitting because your afraid to move, if you jump off one side there's a huge hole and you don't know where it leads, you jump off the other, there's an angry pitbull ready to tear your A$$ And, that is the consquence of ones choices by trying out someone on the side for abit of excitement. The mess that follows afterwards... Link to post Share on other sites
lost4ever Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 And, that is the consquence of ones choices by trying out someone on the side for abit of excitement. The mess that follows afterwards... So very true! If you don't choose to get off the fence somebody is going to push you off, and if you thought it was a mess before-- Link to post Share on other sites
lost4ever Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 So very true! If you don't choose to get off the fence somebody is going to push you off, and if you thought it was a mess before you was not meant to be YOU (general term) Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted October 27, 2007 Share Posted October 27, 2007 ... what I am asking is for MM/MOM to post their true feelings about their OW. Even the snide stuff. It might help us get over our MM/OM or it might give us insight into other issues. Perhaps you don't post here often because posting the truth about your feelings and intentions toward the OW would cause the OW insight on how you really think; because we would leave you if we knew what really goes on inside your head? Should I title this thread "Reformed OM who can tell the truth about their former OW"? I am crazy in love with my MM, and I think I finally realize it is not exactly the same for him even though he keeps reassuring me it is. Hello White Flower. Interesting questions and approach! My MM has posted on LS before, but obviously, given that he knew I'd be reading his posts he's unlikely to be posting 'the snide stuff' ... also he's very definitely not a reformed MM either. I've wondered a couple of times whether he'd come back and post some more, perhaps giving his reasons for being in the affair rather than leaving his W. But I think he's already said it all in his first thread (which was in the Infidelity forum, not here). I'm interested in your question/point about your MM telling you that he feels the same way as you, but that you don't feel it. Is that because of something like you feel that you could leave your marriage, but you don't see the same kind of commitment from him..? (I don't actually know your situation so that's a real question ) I've written about that particular phenomenon a few times already on here... my belief, from reading over the years, is that MM are much less likely than MW to leave a marriage, because they have much more to lose, and face, than women do in the same situation. Even if they're in love with an OP. That's JMHO however, and I know not everyone shares it (by a long way ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author White Flower Posted October 28, 2007 Author Share Posted October 28, 2007 Hello White Flower. Interesting questions and approach! My MM has posted on LS before, but obviously, given that he knew I'd be reading his posts he's unlikely to be posting 'the snide stuff' ... also he's very definitely not a reformed MM either. I've wondered a couple of times whether he'd come back and post some more, perhaps giving his reasons for being in the affair rather than leaving his W. But I think he's already said it all in his first thread (which was in the Infidelity forum, not here). I'm interested in your question/point about your MM telling you that he feels the same way as you, but that you don't feel it. Is that because of something like you feel that you could leave your marriage, but you don't see the same kind of commitment from him..? (I don't actually know your situation so that's a real question ) I've written about that particular phenomenon a few times already on here... my belief, from reading over the years, is that MM are much less likely than MW to leave a marriage, because they have much more to lose, and face, than women do in the same situation. Even if they're in love with an OP. That's JMHO however, and I know not everyone shares it (by a long way ) Hi, I've tried posting this 4 times now in the last 3 days, so here goes again. Yes, I do feel that I am more committed to ending my M than he is his. This does make me think that he is a cake-baker and it really saddens me. He says he is suffering JUST as much as I am, yet he is not crying off and on each day. He and his W are smiling in every picture and they go to so many functions that I feel he is just way too busy to be suffering. I know he misses me and thinks about me all the time and maybe even dreams of a life with me, but I know now it is only a dream world. He feels that hurting the 8 or so people in his family and those of mine is less damage than hurting the two of us. So, there I have my answer. Hope this answers your question. Link to post Share on other sites
overandout Posted October 28, 2007 Share Posted October 28, 2007 Hi WhiteFlower, your post is interesting in that you do "get it". Your m is not willing to give up his family, whereas you are more committed and willing to give up your marriage. You can see that he isn't that unhappy at home, he goes to functions with his wife, smiling in the photos etc. I am sure that he does love and misses you, but not enough to make the sacrifice to be with you in an honest open relationship. He still cares for his wife although the passion has probably gone. True passionate love makes people do things that they would never do but for the love of the other person. As you say, you have your answer in his justification for staying married. Sorry it didn't work out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author White Flower Posted October 29, 2007 Author Share Posted October 29, 2007 Hi WhiteFlower, your post is interesting in that you do "get it". I am sure that he does love and misses you, but not enough to make the sacrifice to be with you in an honest open relationship. He still cares for his wife although the passion has probably gone. True passionate love makes people do things that they would never do but for the love of the other person. Yes, finally, I get it. I opened my eyes. And now I need support because you have no idea how this supportive this man has been for me. Thanks for sharing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author White Flower Posted October 29, 2007 Author Share Posted October 29, 2007 Hi Overandout, I just read your very first post; did you finally end your 11 year R with MM? Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 Yes, I do feel that I am more committed to ending my M than he is his. This does make me think that he is a cake-baker and it really saddens me. He says he is suffering JUST as much as I am, yet he is not crying off and on each day. He and his W are smiling in every picture and they go to so many functions that I feel he is just way too busy to be suffering. I know he misses me and thinks about me all the time and maybe even dreams of a life with me, but I know now it is only a dream world. He feels that hurting the 8 or so people in his family and those of mine is less damage than hurting the two of us. So, there I have my answer. Hope this answers your question. 'cake eater' not 'cake baker' is the term Yes, it's a common belief... men are much less likely to leave their marriages than women, and therefore it means they don't love their OW as much as their OW love them. Its a type of logic. As I said above, I don't agree with it. But whether or not it's true is as far as I'm concerned irrelevant. If you need him to leave, and he's not going to, then that's all that matters. I think that it only muddies the water to wonder who feels the most, who hurts the most, and who is prepared to sacrifice the most... JMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
RamChops Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 Hi WhiteFlower, your post is interesting in that you do "get it". Your m is not willing to give up his family, whereas you are more committed and willing to give up your marriage. You can see that he isn't that unhappy at home, he goes to functions with his wife, smiling in the photos etc. I am sure that he does love and misses you, but not enough to make the sacrifice to be with you in an honest open relationship. He still cares for his wife although the passion has probably gone. True passionate love makes people do things that they would never do but for the love of the other person. As you say, you have your answer in his justification for staying married. Sorry it didn't work out for you. Just had D-Day Mk II last week ... MW looks set to be staying with H and cooling things with me ... even though she's lied comprehensively to H, even after being discovered again, she still wants to work things out with him for the sake of not hurting her family ... Problem is, she won't let me go no matter how much I tell her it's hurting me dangling on a string. I should walk away but I'd rather hear it from her that it's over. Your words resonate overandout, and I'm sorry that you and I are in the same unhappy boat WF ... I know how bad it is, I spent most of last night sobbing by myself ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author White Flower Posted October 29, 2007 Author Share Posted October 29, 2007 Just had D-Day Mk II last week ... MW looks set to be staying with H and cooling things with me ... even though she's lied comprehensively to H, even after being discovered again, she still wants to work things out with him for the sake of not hurting her family ... Problem is, she won't let me go no matter how much I tell her it's hurting me dangling on a string. I should walk away but I'd rather hear it from her that it's over. Your words resonate overandout, and I'm sorry that you and I are in the same unhappy boat WF ... I know how bad it is, I spent most of last night sobbing by myself ... Sorry to hear about your pain, RC. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
overandout Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 Hi Overandout, I just read your very first post; did you finally end your 11 year R with MM? It was back and forth for ages but each time the affair was going nowhere. He ws happy with me as the OW and not causing much interference in his marriage until about a year ago and his wife became very suspicious which coincided with me getting frustrated with the relationship. So he baled out but never told me. It hit me hard that he could be so callous but months later he came looking for me and started hanging around places he knew I went to and initiating a conversation. But you know I really was done with it. He was not going to reel me back in and he hasn't, and I am moving on. This is why I don't like to see OP wasting their lives with mp who really have no intention of leaving their spouses. The reasons given for not leaving are numerous but the end result is the same. The OW only gets the mm's focus when he is with her, the rest of the time is for the family and the odd sneaky phone call from him. I just felt used, especially towards the end. I do not think it is all about sex either. MM can be in it for numerous reasons; attention, validation, affection and cheap accommodation away from home. Take your pick. HOWEVER one thing they are not doing is returning to the OW's bed every night! Link to post Share on other sites
Author White Flower Posted October 30, 2007 Author Share Posted October 30, 2007 It was back and forth for ages but each time the affair was going nowhere. He ws happy with me as the OW and not causing much interference in his marriage until about a year ago and his wife became very suspicious which coincided with me getting frustrated with the relationship. So he baled out but never told me. It hit me hard that he could be so callous but months later he came looking for me and started hanging around places he knew I went to and initiating a conversation. But you know I really was done with it. He was not going to reel me back in and he hasn't, and I am moving on. This is why I don't like to see OP wasting their lives with mp who really have no intention of leaving their spouses. The reasons given for not leaving are numerous but the end result is the same. The OW only gets the mm's focus when he is with her, the rest of the time is for the family and the odd sneaky phone call from him. I just felt used, especially towards the end. I do not think it is all about sex either. MM can be in it for numerous reasons; attention, validation, affection and cheap accommodation away from home. Take your pick. HOWEVER one thing they are not doing is returning to the OW's bed every night! Thanks for sharing and I'g happy that you were able to get over it. You all have been so helpful:) Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAtLast Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 with a single OW. I have posted my story on these boards and have had many "lively" conversations with the fine folks on here. Link to post Share on other sites
rangie Posted October 31, 2007 Share Posted October 31, 2007 hiya im a MM and i have an OW who i love and adore and yes ive been on the recieving side of things as well all i can say is the highs take u to the highest place possible yet being the MM in a R with a OW takes me to some of the lowest of lows im just on the verge of moving out of my M and setting up on my own but i have worries that my OW will not understand why Link to post Share on other sites
Author White Flower Posted November 1, 2007 Author Share Posted November 1, 2007 Just had D-Day Mk II last week ... MW looks set to be staying with H and cooling things with me ... even though she's lied comprehensively to H, even after being discovered again, she still wants to work things out with him for the sake of not hurting her family ... Problem is, she won't let me go no matter how much I tell her it's hurting me dangling on a string. I should walk away but I'd rather hear it from her that it's over. Your words resonate overandout, and I'm sorry that you and I are in the same unhappy boat WF ... I know how bad it is, I spent most of last night sobbing by myself ... How are things going today, RC? Link to post Share on other sites
Author White Flower Posted November 1, 2007 Author Share Posted November 1, 2007 Yeah, its a very different feeling. Its painful, but only in so far as you feel like your doing wrong and you want desperately to be truthful and can't. That deep down soul wrenching rejected feeling, or the longing to end the lonliness... those eat your self esteem, and provide nothing to replace it. Plus there is a control aspect for men that we rarely acknowledge. Hi Cobra, I am interested in hearing more about this control aspect. Does it involve controlling the W, OW, or the scheduling of it all? Link to post Share on other sites
RamChops Posted November 1, 2007 Share Posted November 1, 2007 How are things going today, RC? Hi WF, thanks for asking ... I am quite drunk at the moment, think I will have to post a new cathartic thread ... I sort of got what I thought was for the best (end of the A) but I'm a bit of a mess ... look out for it shortly ... Link to post Share on other sites
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