Did Your MM Put His W Down?

[NoIDidn't]

This is a spin off from another thread.

 

It is a known fact that many, if not most, MM put down their Ws and Ms to get sympathy and more emotional investment from the OW. Some don't do it in a direct way (mine didn't), but some do.

 

For example, my H swore up and down initially that he never talked about me to his co-worker. But her words to me said differently. In the only conversation we ever had, her first words to me were "I don't know your side". I took that to mean that he had given *his* side, including his judgments of me.

 

Things were said like

 

1. Things would be easier for us financially if she went back to work, but that's just the way things are for now.

 

This implied to her that I was lazy and leeching off of him.

 

2. She doesn't love me, just my paycheck.

 

Implies the same as number one, just adds the "she takes me for granted" implication too.

 

3. She's a great mother, just not the best W.

 

Implies that he is being ignored and taken for granted.

 

If he said anything worst than these, I honestly don't know or care at this point in time.

 

We FBSs tend to respond harshly to OPs that repeat on the board what they have been told about the spouse that is being betrayed. It may very well be that the OP doesn't necessarily believe it, but is just repeating it as the MP's reasons for some of what s/he is doing.

 

What kinds of things have you been told about the BS? Did it make you feel bigger than the BS? Did it make you feel sorry for the MP or the BS?

 

I promise not to overreact to what is posted.

[OldEurope]

Hi, NoIDidn't...

 

 

This is a very good thread subject matter. I think a lot of OWs can get a hint of the future of their relationship (however defined) with their MMs by how the guy talks about his wife.

 

I will say that my H (formerly MM) was very respectful, discreet...especially at first. The point being, he did not need to put anyone down or complain bitterly when it was a fundamental question of (severly) mismatched personalities/outlooks/expectations/desires...what have you.

 

I liked that, found it well mannered. Naturally, in describing the more unfortunate scenes of his rather bad first marriage (long underway before I entered the scene) his comments would take a turn for the sharper, but all in all he sought to be level headed about the whole situation. She had very poor health habits, for example, and he made some stinging comments about that. But so might anyone in the collapse of a relationship. He more or less had become indifferent, and hence bad mouthing had no point.

 

I for one would not have felt too well if he had been so insulting. It would have made me uncomfortable.

 

So again, I think this is a very good thread question. I would warn OWs that somehow too too much bad mouthing or criticism does not reflect good character for the long run; it shows too many wounds, too easy the cheap shots. The marriage is just somehow on its own unsalvageable without extra comments

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

That she hadn't worked all of her life yet enjoyed the status and lifestyle that he brought to her (I think he put her up on a pedastal and then wondered why he couldn't get her down from it, so I blame him for that)

 

That she could have an argument in an empty house (I can see that, she's a very feisty character but I can see why she has to be with MM, although maybe not his family members)

 

That she had not supported his career in any shape or form but was upset when he downgraded his career which lacked the status she was used to (Not too sure about this one)

 

That she didn't love him, she just doesn't want anyone else to have him (In a way, I believe this, I think an OW in her life brought out a competitive aspect to her and she continues to text random texts just to say "He chose me over you! Crawl back under your stone!" etc. with no encouragement from me)

 

That she was a competitive parent and brought her kids into their arguments and their split to a very damaging degree (I have witnessed this one)

 

That he wasn't allowed to spend more than £20 without him telling her (Dont know about this but I can understand her need to control him due to the career he had and her probable feeling that she lacked control in her life apart from the household.)

 

That she threatened suicide yet does not ever talk about it now and he questions whether it was for real (I was so much "on her side" at this point that I had this checked independently but it turned out it was true, although I dont know if she refuses to talk about it as I had it checked via the authorities)

 

The thing is...MM has told many truths, many half truths and some lies. But so did W. I was honest with her regarding the questions that she asked me - the reason I was honest? To protect myself in case MM lied. At least I knew I was telling the truth. But she wasn't honest with me. She lied and told me that MM had physically abused her on different occasions. and a few other lies that I have been able to uncover. She didn't do herself any favours by lying because just like MM, once a W lies you start to doubt all of the truths they tell you.

 

I understand why she lied. I understand why she did most things, she was driven to the end of her tether. I know that. Another woman in her mind was coming into her life and taking something that belonged to her and I can understand why she reacted why she did and still insists on contact from time to time. But I will never respect her for bringing her children into it to such an extent. It was selfish to put her own pain ahead of them and expect them to deal with it when they are children and don't have the emotional tools readily available to them to deal with such pressure.

 

Lastly, I dont hate her in any way. I'm not jealous of her. I just dont quite understand her.

[Shades of Grey]

My MM always said that whilst his wife was a good person and an amazing mother with hindsight he married her for the wrong reasons - because he was in his mid thirties and ready to settle down and wanted children.

 

He was dating her at the time - for about a year/ 18 months I think and she wanted to know where it was leading. He was very fond of her and they were good friends. He knew she would be a great mother and he said that despite the fact that he had many reservations about her being "the one" he would spend the rest of his life with, at the time he felt that what they had was enough. Looking back he felt that he compromised too much.

 

I certainly never felt bigger than her, but I guess I felt sorry for both of them. He said she was devoted to the children and had many hobbies and responsibilities but placed little value or significance on their relationship as husband and wife. He also admitted that although in the past he had tried to address this, he no longer wanted to even try. Everything about the way they lived their lives reinforced this.

 

I think thats probably a huge part of how I allowed myself to get so far dragged in. Because I never felt that they once had this amazing love that had been neglected over time and just needed work. He always insisted that he had never felt that way about her. He made me feel like I had shown him what love and compatibility could really feel like and of course I in turn felt that both of them deserved more. Sad I know!!

[OWoman]

What kinds of things have you been told about the BS? Did it make you feel bigger than the BS? Did it make you feel sorry for the MP or the BS?

 

Initially, my MM said nothing at all about his W that was not completely respectful, if she was mentioned at all. I didn't ask, so there was little cause for her to be mentioned, though occasionally that did happen (we all work in the same field.) But over time, as I got integrated into his extended family circle, met his friends and colleagues, and got to know his life in more detail, I heard a great deal from other people.

 

For example, his family were really welcoming to me, which surprised me. But they were thrilled that I "made him happy", because - they told me - she was abusive and he'd been through deep depression as a result of the way she treated him, from which he had only recently emerged (with counselling). I was told of incidents that shocked me, and when I asked him about it, he confirmed that they had happened as described. But still, initially, refused to pass judgment on his W. And he's never compared us, beyond saying that I'm the one he loves, the one he wants to spend his life with.

 

I've never compared myself with her either - I don't know her or wish to. But I have told him that I get angry when I hear about how she treats him and the kids, and I have told him that I really think she needs counselling and that I think he should encourage her to get it.

[NoIDidn't]

He made me feel like I had shown him what love and compatibility could really feel like and of course I in turn felt that both of them deserved more.

 

 

My H made his co-worker feel the same, and he did the same for her. She spoke about her boyfriend in the same ways of just going through the motions with her boyfriend but really feeling the passion with my H.

 

I think that's part of the draw in some affairs. That's how the passion gets added to them in some cases.

[TogetherForever]

This is a spin off from another thread.

 

It is a known fact that many, if not most, MM put down their Ws and Ms to get sympathy and more emotional investment from the OW. Some don't do it in a direct way (mine didn't), but some do.

 

For example, my H swore up and down initially that he never talked about me to his co-worker. But her words to me said differently. In the only conversation we ever had, her first words to me were "I don't know your side". I took that to mean that he had given *his* side, including his judgments of me.

 

Things were said like

 

1. Things would be easier for us financially if she went back to work, but that's just the way things are for now.

 

This implied to her that I was lazy and leeching off of him.

 

2. She doesn't love me, just my paycheck.

 

Implies the same as number one, just adds the "she takes me for granted" implication too.

 

3. She's a great mother, just not the best W.

 

Implies that he is being ignored and taken for granted.

 

If he said anything worst than these, I honestly don't know or care at this point in time.

 

We FBSs tend to respond harshly to OPs that repeat on the board what they have been told about the spouse that is being betrayed. It may very well be that the OP doesn't necessarily believe it, but is just repeating it as the MP's reasons for some of what s/he is doing.

 

What kinds of things have you been told about the BS? Did it make you feel bigger than the BS? Did it make you feel sorry for the MP or the BS?

 

I promise not to overreact to what is posted.

 

No. Mine has never put the wife down. The only negative thing that was said was "Affection was never shown in her childhood therefore (sp) she never knew how to return affection". This was a major factor in him leaving her.

TF

[lost4ever]

My MM didn't talk bad about W, We really didn't talk about her, He would tell stories and I would form an opinion (which I think a lot of the OW on this forum do)

When it came between me and his wife we all know I wasn't all good and she wasn't all bad...we both have good qualities, I may have been "prettier" she may have been more educated, (I am not saying this was the case, I am just using an example)

 

IMO, I don't think MM just talk away about how there wives are, the OW either 1.) listens to the situation and forms her own opinion (mistakenly taking it as his) ie, if my MM said wife doesn't work, I may hear she is a lazy slob,(he never said that)

2.) we (OW) fish for answers and men (got to love them) will tell us what we want.. ie, I tell my MM that a survey said that most A partners are less attractive then spouses, Do you think that's true? (better believe the MM is going to answer no)

[Lyssa]

My MM didn't put his W down. The only thing he mentioned about his M is that over the years, things have changed. He doesn't put the blame only on her, he admitted to it being his fault as well. I do not think I am far greater than his W.

 

There comes a time when out of the blue, we would talk about his past Rs and a bit about his W but he never put her down. I respect him for that because a lot of MM I know (my guy friends and also Hs of my friends) put their Ws down like crazy!

 

I do not feel threatened by her, be it physically or mentally. I am in no way jealous of her.

[movinon05]

No, exMM did not. But he did tell me some very personal things about her that I'm sure she would be mortified if I knew. I'm also assuming they have to be true, cause no one could make "that" stuff up!

[forbidden fruit]

My xmm would tell anyone he knew that he was upset about his wife being fat. He was mad she was so controlling and that she never told him she loved him and also he has not seen her naked in about 8yrs.

 

Maybe that is a good thing. Just kidding. He would say she was doing the best job she could do as a mother, but he never called her a good mother instead he would say I was great mother and that is the only compliment he gave me and oh yeah I was the nicest person he knew.

 

He would say his W was a catch because of her money and that she was good for him because she was stable. Can you believe that is what he thinks of his W if she only knew!!! I can only imagine what he says to her about me.

[lost4ever]

Oh my MM did drop the don't have sex line (but I never believed that) he was way to much of a perv to hold out that long:rolleyes:

 

And now that I think about it, he would lie to make his wife seem better than she was... I remember him telling me once that his wife was 5'11 and a 115 lbs, with DD ( I didn't question that because if she looked like Pam A, I have no idea what he was doing with me, so I just assumed it was a lie) anyway, I never seen her in person but I did see a picture and she wasn't 115 lbs.

[lost4ever]

and just so I am putting all of this on looks, he would lie about what she did for a living (making it seem really cool, when really she didn't do that) Not that any of this matters like I said before, she has good qualities just as I do, just stating what he would do

[Meaplus3]

My xmm would tell anyone he knew that he was upset about his wife being fat. He was mad she was so controlling and that she never told him she loved him and also he has not seen her naked in about 8yrs.

 

Maybe that is a good thing. Just kidding. He would say she was doing the best job she could do as a mother, but he never called her a good mother instead he would say I was great mother and that is the only compliment he gave me and oh yeah I was the nicest person he knew.

 

He would say his W was a catch because of her money and that she was good for him because she was stable. Can you believe that is what he thinks of his W if she only knew!!! I can only imagine what he says to her about me.

 

The mm I was involved in would put his W down right infront of my h and I when we all were together as couple's. Made comment's about her weight, her intelligence and would get very defensive with her if she made him look bad in the slightest way. He told me I was a Wonderful Mother, a Terrific person, a good egg and beautiful on the inside and out!

 

AP:)

[lost4ever]

He would put her down in front of people? What an abusive pile of Sh*t!,

[Love is Tragic]

This is a spin off from another thread.

 

It is a known fact that many, if not most, MM put down their Ws and Ms to get sympathy and more emotional investment from the OW. Some don't do it in a direct way (mine didn't), but some do.

 

For example, my H swore up and down initially that he never talked about me to his co-worker. But her words to me said differently. In the only conversation we ever had, her first words to me were "I don't know your side". I took that to mean that he had given *his* side, including his judgments of me.

 

Things were said like

 

1. Things would be easier for us financially if she went back to work, but that's just the way things are for now.

 

This implied to her that I was lazy and leeching off of him.

 

2. She doesn't love me, just my paycheck.

 

Implies the same as number one, just adds the "she takes me for granted" implication too.

 

3. She's a great mother, just not the best W.

 

Implies that he is being ignored and taken for granted.

 

If he said anything worst than these, I honestly don't know or care at this point in time.

 

We FBSs tend to respond harshly to OPs that repeat on the board what they have been told about the spouse that is being betrayed. It may very well be that the OP doesn't necessarily believe it, but is just repeating it as the MP's reasons for some of what s/he is doing.

 

What kinds of things have you been told about the BS? Did it make you feel bigger than the BS? Did it make you feel sorry for the MP or the BS?

 

I promise not to overreact to what is posted.

 

 

During my time as a MOW, MM and i had several conversations about his wife. I never really asked about her much, but of course certain topics would come up naturally. Shes a stay at home mom to their two kids, has never really had to work a day in her life, has a wealthy father. MM makes a good living but works sometimes rotating shifts. The things he would mention about her is that she can be lazy(letting herself go, not wanting to play with the kids, wont work, lays around all day.), is sort of a gold-digger, likes to spend money, will blatantly say no if MM wants to buy something but always spends on herself, the sex is boring, and during sex always looks annoyed and asks him if hes almost "finished". Who knows if any of these things are actually true-i have met the woman a few times before though, and i can pretty much verify that a few of those bad traits are true.

 

I havent had contact with him in over 4 months-i dont feel sorry for him, she has his balls in a jar and if he was a real man he would stick up for himself. I used to feel sorry for him until i realized he could grow a pair and put his foot down, but wont. He always told me he wasnt completely miserable, but that they hadnt been happy in years. She never showed any appreciation for him, and he said she doesnt even hug or kiss him when he gets home from work. But oh well! He brought it all upon himself, im just glad its over-although i admit i miss him from time to time.

[KATANYA]

No, he never put her down in front of me. I think the only comments I ever heard referred to her not being happy about the amount of time he spent working or away (understandable) and normal things like that. He was actually very careful not to speak about her at all around me. He rarely used her name at all and would simply say "I have to go, I have to call her at 7" or things like that. His wife was alwa$ys "her" or "she" in conversations that did come up. When I did overhear any conversations between them, they were always very nice and very 'child - like'. He would say things like "I have to call her to make sure she is up and getting ready for work" or "I have to tell her to remember her keys and her papers on the table". " I called her and told her it was time to go home, she has to work tomorrow".......just made me have the impression (which turned out true) that he very much catered to her every need and took very good care of her in many ways, stlil does, and always will.

[justice]

My ex h used to tell his ow that I was mean and malicious and that I would do anything that would cause him pain, that I wasn't good to him and that he was going to get "rid" of me "any day now" It never happened and when I talked to her about it all, I told her nothing was further from the truth, I paid all the bills, I bought all the food and did all of the cooking and housework too. I also got taken for about fourteen grand on HIS child custody case against his ex wife until I finally wised up to his shenanigans. He used to tell her I didn't want the kids and I showed her the reciepts from the attorney's office where I had paid all of the legal bills to get them back. And this was from my own money because he didn't make enough to pay those fees himself. I then asked her how he was going to get rid of me when my name was the only name on the lease to the house and all of the utilities too. I also showed her proof of that as well. She said too, that he had told her that I was about five foot eight and weighed over 200 lbs. So not true as she saw with her own eyes that I'm less than five foot tall and weigh under 100lbs. So yes, in this case the married guy did lie out the yang about all of the facts and badmouthed the one person who loved him. I'm so glad I divorced this jacka##

[Lyssa]

These are the kind of MM I don't get. Honestly, if my MM said anything bad or put his W down, I would lose respect for him.

[justice]

These are the kind of MM I don't get. Honestly, if my MM said anything bad or put his W down, I would lose respect for him.

 

 

The mm and the ow who are like this, seem to never get it. Never are they remorseful of the pain that they cause the ones who love them and it seems some of them never learn and just keep on doing it and not holding themselves accountable for any of the hardships.

[Lyssa]

The mm and the ow who are like this, seem to never get it. Never are they remorseful of the pain that they cause the ones who love them and it seems some of them never learn and just keep on doing it and not holding themselves accountable for any of the hardships.

 

I'm sorry you were put through all that pain. I know a lot of MM that put down their Ws but I also know some who don't - at all. My MM is one of those who don't put his W down. In fact, we rarely talk about her.

 

I do agree with you on bolded sentence.

 

I hope you're in a good spot now and everything is going well.

[justice]

I'm sorry you were put through all that pain. I know a lot of MM that put down their Ws but I also know some who don't - at all. My MM is one of those who don't put his W down. In fact, we rarely talk about her.

 

I do agree with you on bolded sentence.

 

I hope you're in a good spot now and everything is going well.

 

 

Thanks Lyssa, yes, I'm divorced now but I do still harbor some terrible feelings of rage and bitterness toward him, especially in the last couple of months because after a year of being free of him, he's now sniveling and trying to convince me to take him back, lives with his mama and is broke most of the time, there is no way I'm taking back this human piece of excrement. EVER AGAIN.

[Lyssa]

Thanks Lyssa, yes, I'm divorced now but I do still harbor some terrible feelings of rage and bitterness toward him, especially in the last couple of months because after a year of being free of him, he's now sniveling and trying to convince me to take him back, lives with his mama and is broke most of the time, there is no way I'm taking back this human piece of excrement. EVER AGAIN.

 

Pleasure, Justice - thing is, you deserve a better life. Some MM who cheated/cheats do end up going back to BW or end up with OW. We just can't tell which way it will happen.

 

You should let him know that you are moving on and moving on with grace and lots of happiness around you! He betrayed you and put you down, I think it's about it gets back at him. Seeing you living life to the fullest after the D is going to eat him up alive - I bet!!

[justice]

Pleasure, Justice - thing is, you deserve a better life. Some MM who cheated/cheats do end up going back to BW or end up with OW. We just can't tell which way it will happen.

 

You should let him know that you are moving on and moving on with grace and lots of happiness around you! He betrayed you and put you down, I think it's about it gets back at him. Seeing you living life to the fullest after the D is going to eat him up alive - I bet!!

 

Yes, it pretty much has been biting him on the a!!. I've told him he had his shot and he has only himself to blame because he is the one who ruined it. I'm not an atm and I'm not your mama, go find someone else to lie to. It kills him now, to know that he can't touch me anymore, I sure wish he would grow up someday soon and take an honest look at himself in the mirror. He does know I've moved on. Now he just needs to go crawl into momma's bosom as usual and leave me the heck alone. If it doesn't stop I'm thinking of seeking a restraining order against him.

[Cobra_X30]

Thanks Lyssa, yes, I'm divorced now but I do still harbor some terrible feelings of rage and bitterness toward him, especially in the last couple of months because after a year of being free of him, he's now sniveling and trying to convince me to take him back, lives with his mama and is broke most of the time, there is no way I'm taking back this human piece of excrement. EVER AGAIN.

 

Justice,

 

Hate at the moment may feel Great! But,

 

Wait until indifference sets you free of former Mate.