Lyssa Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 Would you take a man back after a dday if he told his wife he wanted to work on the marriage and stay in it? I've read many ow's who have done just that. I wuld think that would be a dealbreaker if you weren't desperate to keep him. Why on earth would I want to take him back after D-Day? He can go back anytime for all I care. Not all OW are desperate. A lot of them are independent. Some may not be but majority here are independent. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 I haven't seen many cases of women that keep a man once they agreed to go back and work on the marriage and end the A. If the woman stays in an A with a man who is still married he more than likely has not agreed to work on the marriage he welcomes the relationship and just needs more time to work things out. Some OW get just what they want even though he is not 100% available. Either way the OW will always get the best of the man while the poor wife gets the riff raff, his bad mood his distant persona, his highs and lows...basically all the bullcrap because he saves his best for the OW. The OW might get less time with him but she gets the BEST of him. Sometimes less is more! So basically you want a whitewashed relationship also and not the true man. You just want his highs not the real man. Living in a world of white lies. No thanks. The bad with the good makes a real relationship not whitewashed happiness all the time. That is the fantasy. I enjoy all my husbands moods from the silly to grumpy. It adds spark and dimension to the relationship. Life can't all be lemondrops and gumdrops. It's a happ balance of ups and downs. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 Why on earth would I want to take him back after D-Day? He can go back anytime for all I care. Not all OW are desperate. A lot of them are independent. Some may not be but majority here are independent. Exactly! But how many women have done just that? How many times do you read we've had a dday and then read how much harder the ow/mm relationship will be because of it? Do you not agree there must be desperation there if an ow agrees to this? I certainly was not calling all ow's desperate. I said I see desperation in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 Exactly! But how many women have done just that? How many times do you read we've had a dday and then read how much harder the ow/mm relationship will be because of it? Do you not agree there must be desperation there if an ow agrees to this? I certainly was not calling all ow's desperate. I said I see desperation in this situation. I would not take him back if he chose to stay with his W. I don't think it's desperation for some of OW who take the MM back after D-Day, it is love. When you love someone deeply, no matter what you will try by anything to make it work. This does not only apply to OW but BS, SM/SW etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 So basically you want a whitewashed relationship also and not the true man. You just want his highs not the real man. Living in a world of white lies. No thanks. The bad with the good makes a real relationship not whitewashed happiness all the time. That is the fantasy. I enjoy all my husbands moods from the silly to grumpy. It adds spark and dimension to the relationship. Life can't all be lemondrops and gumdrops. It's a happ balance of ups and downs. No that's not what I am saying, what I am saying is that while the A is in place the OW still sees all sides of the man but she gets the best of him for the most part, where as the W gets the absolute worst of him. I think in an A the OW gets a more balanced side of the man than the wife does because the OW still fights still gets the ups dan downs but the wife ONLY gets the negative. All in all he does save the best for the OW but we get a real picture of what he is like as well. I remember while my EA was going on he would tell me I need to move out I am in such a bad mood all the time and I treat her poorly and snap at her a lot, we just fight about everything because I don''t want to be with her. I hide out in the other room from her just thinking of you all the time and cant even look at her, everything about her bothers and it's not her fault but the thought of even kissing her turns my stomach". It used to really bother me to hear those words and would think wow what if that were me I would hate to think that my H was saying those things to another woman, that is just wrong. So that is when our emotional relationship ended, it was just too raw for me, I couldn't handle hearing all those things. I know he needed to confide in someone how he felt since it is not the kind of conversation he could have with family or friends but I was NOT the right person to tell those things to. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 I somewhat agree lyssa. Tomcat you do not have all sides of a man in an affair. You do not have the full man in an affair relationship. Find a single man and maybe you can build that type of relationship. If you actually feel you have more of a man when you are sneaking around then the life living with him daily as a family with children and responsibilities then you are really in denial about the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 No that's not what I am saying, what I am saying is that while the A is in place the OW still sees all sides of the man but she gets the best of him for the most part, where as the W gets the absolute worst of him. I think in an A the OW gets a more balanced side of the man than the wife does because the OW still fights still gets the ups dan downs but the wife ONLY gets the negative. All in all he does save the best for the OW but we get a real picture of what he is like as well. I totally agree with you! I actually saw that happening to my brother. As for myself, I get both sides of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 Tomcat you do not have all sides of a man in an affair. You do not have the full man in an affair relationship. Find a single man and maybe you can build that type of relationship. I know this is for TC but I disagree. I have been in a relationship with a SG and a MM. The only reason why you don't see OW having a full man in an A is because OW does not have him for some nights etc. You have to understand one thing, what works for others does not mean it will work for the rest. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 I totally agree with you! I actually saw that happening to my brother. As for myself, I get both sides of him. No you can't possibly. There is a whole huge part of his life you just get a glimpse through the window at. He has a whole relationship with another woman that you only get tidbits of information of. He may have children you don't know. He may be a great father that you never see. There is a very large portion of his life you are not privy too because of the secretness of the relationship. Have you met and socialized with his friends and his family? Have you met them as his girlfriend? I believe when you marry a man you marry the family too and you must be careful of the family you are subjecting yourself to. "Record Producers" story is a good example of that. You, general you as in an affair partner, does not get to see the man as father, son, brother etc. You see a small peek of who he is. How a mans relationship with his mother can often be an indication of a mans respect for women. Do you see the interation with his mom? etc etc. I really believ affair relationships are missing a big piece of the mm puzzle. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 I know this is for TC but I disagree. I have been in a relationship with a SG and a MM. The only reason why you don't see OW having a full man in an A is because OW does not have him for some nights etc. You have to understand one thing, what works for others does not mean it will work for the rest. but most other woman are hidden from family and friends are they not? Who he is with his family and his friends not just with you (general you) is a big look at the full man. His kids and his other relationships. I think our group of friends is a big part of who we are. (again genreal our) Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 but most other woman are hidden from family and friends are they not? Who he is with his family and his friends not just with you (general you) is a big look at the full man. His kids and his other relationships. I think our group of friends is a big part of who we are. (again genreal our) Yup, most but not all. I have met people in his life. Just not his W. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 I think the desperation comes in on the ow's part when she agrees to go more into hiding because she is desperate not to lose him. She will keep him at all costs even when he professes his desire to work on his marriage with his wife.Once this man agrees to work on his marriage with his wife and then hides you more this is not a man anyone should want. Most bs will drop him quick when they find out he continued after a dday. You're generalizing too much here...There are lots of R's where you meet pretty much important to the MM...and sometimes that does include family... Not all A's are how you'd like to portray them...Some are just like normal R's... Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 Most cheating men are actually married to good and loving wives so I don't get why they cheat. If a man gets lucky and finds a good woman why would he do something to ruin it? These men tell the OW these stories for sympathy and to make themselves not look like the jerks they are. Usually the men married to witches that have every reason to seek affection elsewhere would never cheat and are totally faithful and devoted to their wives. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 Tomcat you do not have all sides of a man in an affair. You do not have the full man in an affair relationship. Find a single man and maybe you can build that type of relationship. Ok tell me more about me an my relationship why don't you. what a joke! I had all sides of him I was in normal relationship for a year, he was seperated living on his own and we spent 24/7 together, he was still married on paper but was alone and free to date for all intesive purposes. If saw anymore of him I would have to cut him open and looked at his insides. I was the OW because he refused to tell her we were together but the rest of the world all knew we were together. Maybe you should find a single man GG and that will help you lighten up a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 I think many bs's do not keep a cheating spouse. Very few do if the cheating continues. Those that do have a man who continually works to love his spouse and realizes his behavior. Some do stay with the man who only loves himself unknowingly because the ow actually agrees to continue the affair even farther underground after caught as the bs is in the dark. I'll never understand how after a dday an ow can agree to further hide. sorry but I have to disagree... I would say that most BS do keep their man after D-day. They will believe his lies yet once again... because most probably he will say that it was a big mistake, that he only loves her, that the OW was just for sex... blablabla... they ARE quite convincing when they want! Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 You're generalizing too much here...There are lots of R's where you meet pretty much important to the MM...and sometimes that does include family... Not all A's are how you'd like to portray them...Some are just like normal R's... Yes I am but wouldn't you say the majority of affairs are hidden from family and friends thus it's an affair? I never said all and have made that quite clear. I think it is fine to generalize that most or the majority of affairs are a secret. If it's not a secret then it is not an affair the man is apparently in an open relationship and you choose to share him. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 Most cheating men are actually married to good and loving wives so I don't get why they cheat. If a man gets lucky and finds a good woman why would he do something to ruin it? These men tell the OW these stories for sympathy and to make themselves not look like the jerks they are. Usually the men married to witches that have every reason to seek affection elsewhere would never cheat and are totally faithful and devoted to their wives. Gotta love sweeping generalizations. But then again coming from a self-professed woman hater, that doesn't surprise me at all. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 sorry but I have to disagree... I would say that most BS do keep their man after D-day. They will believe his lies yet once again... because most probably he will say that it was a big mistake, that he only loves her, that the OW was just for sex... blablabla... they ARE quite convincing when they want! I agree with that. they give him a second chance because of the man they have spent their life with and once believed. When he gets caught again he's gone whereas many ow's choose to keep him after a dday and after he chooses to work on the marriage with his wife. If the mm says to the wife I need some time I need some closure to end the relationship with my ow most wives say fine go work on it there's the door whereas the ow gives him all the space he needs with the wife while seeing him on the side. After a dday the ow should make him choose. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 Yes the solution to everything go f someone as you so classlessly put it. Nice. Why do you always have to deteriorate a fine conversation to insults? It's really not very flattering and shows a certain maturity level. Why is suggesting that a good romp in the hay makes us smile more an insults? see that's the different between some people, some people see a good romp as something natural and fun, others see it as something dirty. I hazzard to guess the ones that see sex as dirty, walk around like they have a pickle up their behinds all day long. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 Gotta love sweeping generalizations. But then again coming from a self-professed woman hater, that doesn't surprise me at all. It is the truth from what I see. I say that most BW don't deserve to get cheated on and I am still accused of being a misogynist. Most men married to witches are too beaten down and whipped to do anything for themselves so they will never cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 It is the truth from what I see. I say that most BW don't deserve to get cheated on and I am still accused of being a misogynist. Most men married to witches are too beaten down and whipped to do anything for themselves so they will never cheat. Ok well I can respect that. We all see our own truths. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 Gotta love sweeping generalizations. But then again coming from a self-professed woman hater, that doesn't surprise me at all. More insults I see. Woggle has never said a bad word about his wife and has always been respectful. Where did that come from? Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 If the mm says to the wife I need some time I need some closure to end the relationship with my ow most wives say fine go work on it there's the door whereas the ow gives him all the space he needs with the wife while seeing him on the side. After a dday the ow should make him choose. Are you serious? Have you read other forums? Unbelievable. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 Ok well I can respect that. We all see our own truths. Of course there are exceptions but I never believe a cheater's sob story. A cheater is already a liar so the fact that they would lie about their marriage is not surprising. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 Why is suggesting that a good romp in the hay makes us smile more an insults? see that's the different between some people, some people see a good romp as something natural and fun, others see it as something dirty. I hazzard to guess the ones that see sex as dirty, walk around like they have a pickle up their behinds all day long. More large leaps and insults. Does it never end. no one said sex was not fun. Sex is just not a solution to everything. You equate sex with happiness. You need much more than sex to lead a good happy life. Link to post Share on other sites
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