Wish me Luck!

[Crestfallen_KH]

Well, I did it. For those of you who don't know my situation, my husband admitted he had feelings for someone else at the beginning of August and said he wanted a divorce. After white knuckling it through 3 weeks of working on the marriage, he finally made his "official" announcement at the end of August. I moved out Sept 7, and he moved in with his affair partner after her husband left about a week later.

 

Since then, I've been focusing on myself and healing and I've come to a point where I am tired of waiting to see if he's going to change his mind. I've also come to accept that I don't want him back - I deserve better than a liar and an adulterer and I like the person I have become without him.

 

So, I set up an appointment with an attorney on Thursday to start the divorce process. I didn't think there was any way in heck that _I_ would be the one to initate it, but I have and I am very proud of myself. I just want to close this chapter of my life and end this separation. The "separation" stage, frankly, sucks. I want to be free to begin a new relationship when I'm ready and not have this hanging over my head anymore.

 

Anyway, I just had to share this. I'm so proud of me and how far I've come and I'm looking forward to putting him behind me!

 

Crestfallen

[lost4ever]

IMO ending the seperation stage is the toughest! Good Work!

[Crestfallen_KH]

I know. When I came to the decision this weekend, I felt as if I was basically back to square one emotionally. I remained housebound and bawled nonstop for the most part. I just had to "regrieve" the loss again, now that I know what I need to do.

 

I definitely expect to be reset emotionally throughout this process, so if anyone has any advice as to how to keep it together and remain amicable through the process, I'd sure love to hear it!

[sillygirl32]

I went back and read your story. I am sorry to hear of all your heartache. But, I think that it is really positive that you are focusing on yourself. I, too, was in a situation where I felt that I had no choice but to file for divorce and it was months before I stopped crying over the decision. Although, I think that you sound so strong and already know that you deserve better and, most importantly, you like person who you are with or without him.

 

I wouldn't think about having to be amicable with your STBXH through the divorce process, but instead try to focus on remaining cordial and keep your dignity and self-respect. If you handle your divorce in this way, you will not regret your behavior and you will know that you were fair and true to yourself. It truly is okay for you to be angry at your STBXH for the lies and cheating and sad for the marriage that is ending. Let yourself feel all those emotions whenever they come up. In time, you will be able to fully let go and move on, but there is no time limit.

 

My advice: Give yourself some time....take in each moment...and think about today but also invision yourself in the future. You will get through this and the great thing about it is that you will be true to yourself, love who you are, and know exactly what you want out of the next relationship.

 

 

[Crestfallen_KH]

Thanks, sillygirl. I really appreciate you taking time to respond and for reading my story.

 

There's a new twist - his girlfriend just got fired from her job, which is probably going to throw a wrench in the works. I have a feeling I'm going to get stuck paying for this divorce, which sucks. I've already had to be "the bigger person" and suck up so much already. But, at this point, I don't want to be tied to him anymore and I want the divorce for me.

 

I think you are right - I'll be cordial, not amicable. I'll treat him like a business rival - someone you smile at and are nice to, but that you don't trust or want to hang out with.

[Crestfallen_KH]

lost4ever - you are so right.

 

I totally lost it today.

 

I contacted him to let him know I was meeting with the attorney and his response was so casual. Even though I expected that, I just lost it. For the very first time, really, since he said he was sure he wanted the divorce, I just lost it.

 

I started taking potshots at his girlfriend, said I felt sorry for her, blah, blah. And of course, he defended her and then I continued by pouring my heart out in an e-mail, saying how much he'd hurt me, who was he, did I ever know him, blah blah.

 

I thought I was past all this crud.

 

But, it's like I'm almost back at square one now that the separation is ending. And there's nothing he could say that would make me feel better. Well, I guess he could say he was sorry about cheating on me and that he has felt bad about what he's done, but that's not going to happen.

 

I'm trying not to beat myself up about my lapse - I have been holding together very well, and I'm human after all. But now I've broken my stoicness that I had been so proud of, and turned into a simpering wimp who "needs closure from him."

 

I hate this, but it's made me more convinced that my separation has, to some degree, kept me in a holding pattern in my healing. So I'm moving forward, despite the fact that I am just so miserable. I need to have this finalized and get him completely out of my life so I can heal for good.

 

I'm just so, so sad right now....

[Melovator]

Crestfallen, it sucks thinking you're getting better and then wham! Every single bloody emotion comes pouring out all at once and you feel like you're back to square one. But you're not really, like you said it was a lapse. And the girlfriend? She's irrelevent to you. She's not worth thinking about.

 

I wish you all the best. TAke care.