Okay, I'm PO'd at his family

[karenina21]

So here's the situation. I've been with my FH for almost 7 years. We moved in together in May 2006 and got engaged in February (Valentine's Day). Our wedding date is September 27, 2008.

 

Both of us work full time and make a decent income on paper, but we are buried in school loans and bills. We are able to save $500 per month toward our wedding, which will work out okay for the wedding we want.

 

My parents are not wealthy but they are happy for us and have offered to pay for the cake and give us $1,000 to spend any way we want.

 

His parents, however...here's the problem. They are a bit strange. First of all, they are religious and I am not. They have always known this, though I am not outspoken about it. I have always respected them and their beliefs, but every time I visit I feel like I have to attend church, and say grace, none of which I believe in. What really unnerves me is that they say grace in public--nobody in my neck of the woods does that in public--and that when they visit they do this at my kitchen table. I don't know if they figure they're visiting their son and it's in the privacy of the home so it doesn't occur to them, but I feel as if it's infringing on my beliefs. I haven't said anything because I don't want to offend them and my FH won't mention it saying it's not a big deal to just humor them. But I resent feeling like my beliefs are trivialized and denounced. I actually am having my wedding in my home state but at their denomination church because, though my FH never acts religious with me, all of a sudden it became this huge issue after he visited home without me. I told him I'd do it but I have no intentions of converting or raising our children that way. He agreed and said it wasn't a big deal, just to please his mother.

 

Speaking of visits...his parents came up and met my family for the first time recently. His mother had almost nothing to say and did not keep up her end of the conversation. She acted totally disinterested in anything and the whole time she visited did not want to do anything but sit in front of the TV and watch QVC. I'm not sure what her problem was. She has always been nice to me, but she's also a disorganized pack rat. Last time I visited them, I noticed a very nice Christmas gift I had given them two years ago--in their basement, and still in the original shrink wrap. (That's where their computer was located; my FH and I were trying to fix their printer.) When I think of the time and money and effort I spent to get that gift, hoping they would like it, I get angry, but it was two years ago, so what am I going to say now?

 

His parents keep saying they are happy for us, but they have not mentioned one word about paying anything for our wedding. They know we don't have much and are saving every penny we can. They also know what my parents are able to pay. My FH feels funny asking them what they plan to pay for but I'm not sure why. Their house is paid off and it's an empty nest so I'm not sure it's a financial issue but I feel as though he should at least speak with them privately.

 

And yet, that doesn't stop my future MIL from making comments about how I should look into separates for all my bridesmaids, or that she likes this or doesn't like that. Frankly, I feel that if she's not paying, she's not entitled to an opinion. Not to sound like a snob, but I'm the bride, I'm paying, and what I say goes.

 

I mean, do they maybe not approve of me though they say they love us both and are happy for us? Whenever they call us they are nice enough but the wedding is never brought up unless I bring it up first. And the way his mother acted with my family, she seemed uninterested in anything.

 

What do I do from here? Just needed to vent. Thanks.

[norajane]

Do? Nothing. Be kind and gracious to your future in-laws and accept they are who they are and you're certainly not going to change them at this point in their lives.

 

They're not going to stop saying grace as it's their religious practice, so you bringing it up is just going to cause bad feelings between you. Be the bigger person and accept them for who they are.

 

Paying for your wedding is not their obligation - the bride's family traditionally does that. In your case, you and your fiancee are paying, which is very common now that people don't get married right out of school and generally have money of their own. It was very kind of your parents to offer, but you can't demand or expect that his parents should offer. If they do offer, it is a gift, not their obligation.

 

When his mom makes suggestions you don't like, just ignore them, or say something like, "I'll have to give it some thought" and forget about it.

 

In the end, in-laws rarely are free of quirks, irritations, and issues. You're bringing two very different families together - very rarely does everyone just get along swimmingly.

 

Let it go, and enjoy your life.